". . . and now, a guy we knew would never amount to anything . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Following the monologue, Dave introduces "GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES." We see the President of the United States, " ..... and uhh...it is a uhh uhhh, I thinhjk it is a .. . uhhhhh...I think it is a . . . . ."

We tinkered with the format. More changes to come? Who knows? I'll know when you know.

ACT 2:
Back from commercial, we see the camera shot of Dave all askew. It is pointed down and all we see is Dave from the chest down. Dave finally notices the problem and looks over to our Executive Producer for an explanation. Before she can answer, we see cameraman Dave Dorsett hurry to his camera. He quickly puts on his headset. What's the deal? Dave asks, "Are you just now arriving to work?"
Dorsett says, "Sorry I'm late, Dave, I went to the All-Star game."
Dave says, "But the All-Star game was Tuesday, two days ago."
Dorsett: "Yeah, but I got drunk and passed out in a dumpster."
Well, at least it was a good excuse.

A guy in Queens bought a sandwich from one of those Subway stores and he found a knife baked into the bread. The Subway company is desperately trying to put a good spin on it.
Announce:

"Subway's Summer Prize-Fest continues!
Congratulations to John Agnesini of Queens, New York, who found the July prize. Look for a new hidden prize starting August 1st!"
(see photo of a Subway sandwich with a comb sticking out)
"Subway's Summer Prize-Fest ---- Play At Your Own Risk."

"CBS would like to congratulate all of its shows that received nominations for the 2008 Emmy Awards, including 'CSI', 'The Amazing Race', and . . . (see clip of Dave wearing a Cap'n Crunch hat and eating a bowl of cereal) . . . . and . . . . good Lord, you're kidding, right?
Well, congratulations anyway, from CBS."

Out of the Top Ten, we see that guy Lyle the Intern sitting in the guest chair. We is sipping a Red Bull and writing in a notepad.
DAVE: "I'm sorry, can I help you?
(Lyle ignores Dave as he continues to write in his notepad)
DAVE: "Excuse me. Excuse me. HEY!"
LYLE: "Huh? Yes? Oh, I'm sorry. Care to ride the Bull?" (Lyle offers Dave his Red Bull)
DAVE: "No, I'm fine. You're that intern, right?"
LYLE: Yes, ma'am. Lyle's the name, style is my game, which by the way, clearly you have none of. One for Lyle . . . . DING!"
(Lyle goes back to writing)
DAVE: "What are you doing there?"
LYLE: "Jotting down some notes about your little rehearsal here."
DAVE: "This isn't rehearsal. This is the show."
LYLE: Ouch! That's terrible. Don't take this the wrong way, Shirley, but this is not exactly Apollo 11, if you know what I mean.
DAVE: "I have no idea what that means."
LYLE: "Here are some of my observa-ciones."
(Checks clipboard)
LYLE: "Dave seems drunk . . . . nothin' new.
Hairpiece still not fooling anyone.
Botox gone wrong. Yipes.
Clearly doesn't want to be here.
Supreme case of denial.
Aaaaaand, gay, which I'm totally cool with.
(Lyle feels a painful pang)
DAVE: "Lyle, are you OK?"
LYLE: "My back is tight, David."
DAVE: "Take an Advil."
LYLE: "Whoo, take it easy, Scarface. How about you use your supple, tapered lady-like fingers to work your magic. Rub me, David. Get in there, I'm your puppet.
DAVE: "I'm not going to rub you."
LYLE: And don't be afraid to use some oil. Nothing with jasmine. Lyle's a little allergic."
DAVE: "I'm not allowed to touch the interns. . . . I think we're out of time.
LYLE: "I got plans for the three of us, David."
DAVE: "Three of us? Who is the third?"
LYLE: "My man Rudy. He's backstage. You there, Rude-boy?"
(Cut to the creepy looking Rudy backstage)
LYLE: "There he is. Hangin' and bangin'. Anyway, I got plans. Large. Humongous. Large-mongous! You got some scratch, right Button-Down?"
DAVE: "I'm broke. Tapped out."
LYLE: "I've seen how much you spend on 'ladies of the night,' so you better be doing all right."
DAVE: "Well, I don't know what you're talking about."
LYLE: "Shut up and listen. You, me, Rudy, we open a Pizza Hut franchise. Think about it . . you, me, the pizza, delicious toppings, the chicks, and a salad bar that goes on for as far the eye can see. Bacon bits? Yes, please. Rudy's stoked." (cut to shot of Rudy in a Pizza Hut uniform holding a pizza box)
DAVE: "Yeah, that's not going to happen."
LYLE: "Wow, David. Still playing these little games with me. I see what you're doing. It's a big power play. I see right through it. And if I find you cut me and Rudy out of this Pizza Hut thing and you do it yourself, you know what I'll do? I'll run you down with my Nissan, you fat 'givl.' One more for Lyle . . . . . . . DING!"
(Lyle exits)
LYLE (to Paul): "Sweet sounds, Paul. You're making me fell like Bette Midler up in this piece, know what I mean?"

Dave: "When we hired him, everyone thought he was just quirky . . . . but he's psychotic.

ACT 3:
RICKY GERVAIS: Nominated for 4 Emmy awards for his work on "Extras: The Extra Special Series Finale." During Dave's intro of Mr. Gervais, Dave says "If everybody was as funny as our first guest, there would be no wars." I laughed at the thought, then wondered who true it was. Dave asks Ricky about what sports he likes to play, which left him bewildered. Ricky admits that looking at him, one would not, or should not, think of athletics.
We show a video clip that's made the rounds in the internet world on something called the YouTube. Perhaps you heard of it. It's Ricky from another lifetime performing as a singer in a band. Ricky says many do not think it is him because the guy in the video has a jaw line and bone structure. We take a look at the clip and realize the great reformation that took place on one, Mr. Ricky Gervais. Gervais says this was clip was from before his eating years. And now that he is heavier, people think he is funny. Ricky says he he's saying the same things now that he said way back then when he was strikingly handsome, but no one thought it was funny at the time. They were taken and intimidated by his beauty. The more weight he gained, the funnier he was perceived. People now find it safe to laugh when the chubby man says something. Backstage I suggested we order up some pasta for Dave. Ricky Gervais: always funny. I like him because you have to listen to hear his jokes. With some, you can tell when the guest says something funny even if you have the TV on mute. Ricky delivers his funniest lines the same way he delivers a straight line. Very matter-of-factly.

ACT 4:
It's time once again for a visit from America's favorite humorist, B.J. Twain.
The scrim rises. We find B.J. Twain seated.
BJ Twain: "Oh, hello, I didn't hear you come in. Twain's the name, B.J. Twain. My wife is so ugly, when she looks in the mirror, the reflection ducks.
I tell ya, she's so ugly, I tied a pork chop around her neck and the dog still wouldn't play with her.
She's so ugly, the last time I saw something that looked like her, I pinned a tail on it. And she's fat, too. When she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
She's so fat, when I climb on top of her, I burn my ass on the ceiling lamp. Hit it, Paul!"
B.J. Twain gets up and sings B.J.s "I Can't Help Believing."

ACT 5:
Announce: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Rosie Perez and humorist David Sedaris. The Late Show! Hey, who took my sandwich?! We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
During the commercial break, Dave received a note. The Emmy judges are watching tonight's show. After seeing B.J. Twain, they say we have already won the Emmy.

JOHN MELLENCAMP: he's a dad who wants to keep his teen sons home forever. John believes there is no point in their ever leaving. Everything they would ever need is right at home: nice home, big yard . . . . Although tempting, I think we all know the kids will take flight as soon as they can. But the good part is, they always come back . . . . usually for money, a meal, and to do their laundry.
Dave and John talked a bit about their home of Indiana and the city of Terre Haute came up. They each exchanged a knowing nod about the town. Hmmm, sounds like Terre Haute has a reputation. Anybody?

ACT 7:
JOHN MELLENCAMP: From his new CD, "Life, Death, Love, and Freedom," John Mellencamp performed "Troubled Land."

And that was our show for Thursday, July 17, 2008.



I'm not too sharp on a lot of things. Earlier in the day I looked at the back of Mellencamp's CD and noticed the name T-Bone Burnett. Hey, that's the same last name as Worldwide Pants' Rob Burnett and that guy on Survivor. I then went back to watching "The View." And then later in the day, a staffer says she listened to the Mellencamp CD and said it was great. Then she says it was produced by T-Bone Burnett. I say to her, "Oh, is he somebody?" She says in harmless sarcasm, "Uhhh, yeah!" Who knew? And then when Dave was introducing John Mellencamp, he says the CD was produced by T-Bone Burnett, so obviously, Mellencamp "isn't fooling around." Where have I been, and why am I the only person who doesn't know anything about T-Bone Burnett? Was this covered in school? Nobody told me it was going to be on the test!
I really need to get back in the house and start learning about this stuff.

Congratulations to us on our 5 Emmy nominations.
Outstanding Lighting Direction
Outstanding Technical Direction, Camerawork, Video for a Series
Outstanding Writing for a Variety, Music, or Comedy Program
Outstanding Variety, Music, or Comedy Series.
Outstanding Individual Performance in a Variety or Music Program.

The Primetime Emmy Awards are September 21st and can be seen on another network, one that starts with "A" and ends with a "C", sandwiching a "B."

During my two-week break, I listened to a lot of sports talk on the radio, specifically WFAN here in New York. I can listen to baseball chatter for hours and hours and hours. The baseball conversations kept me glued to the radio all day long. But then I started hearing this one commercial on the CBS-owned WFAN radio station hawking . . . . boner pills. Yeah, I know. Boner pills . . . I didn't want to write it here but we used that term on our late night show a few times before so I decided to go with it. I heard this crass and classless commercial on the WFAN before but usually it was late at night when I'm going to sleep. I had hoped this commercial wasn't on during the day for kids to hear. But, boy, was I wrong. Just about every commercial break I heard about the embarrassment of the failure to "maintain an erection." C'mon, WFAN, my daughter is in the car! Do you really need to sell boner pills at 2:00 in the afternoon?
WFAN, this is what you get for allowing them to buy time on your station . . . . . one less listener. I turned off WFAN at least 20 times over the two weeks whenever that commercial came on. By the final weekend, I was rarely listening to the sports talk on the station, so disgusted was I by the blindsided bombardment of the inappropriate product. Come on, WFAN, you're better than that. You know you are.

I've been hearing this commercial on the radio for a life insurance company. Again, I know nothing about anything but baseball, but this commercial got me thinking. The insurance pitchman says how they insure just about everyone and will do so at a very low premium. And I wonder, do I want to be insured by this company? Do I want to be paying insurance and then have all my money going to these high risk individuals? If I bought insurance, I would want to be the highest risk in the house. It seems an insurance company with a lot of high-risk clients would be busy paying out a lot of money all the time. I don't want that. I want an insurance company that collects a lot but doesn't have to pay out a lot. I would want a life insurance company that only insures really really healthy people . . . and then me. I figure low premiums with a high payout. Does that make sense?

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Ithaca, New York, it's Mark Darling.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
Mikemack@aol.com