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THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Jack Black; and Esperanza Spalding. PLUS:A Message from Barack Obama; the Lure of the Music from “Indiana Jones”; Someone Lurking; a Rare Tribe in Brazil; Great Moments; a Top Ten List; B.J. Twain; Alan Kalter Blows Up; and Is Scott McClellan Coming or Not?
“ . . . and now, crafty right-handed set-up man... David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
Moments before the show, Dave found himself in a fight with an audience member. According to Dave, the guy said something nasty about Paul and Dave came to his defense. And yet, somehow the kid was able to remain in the audience. Guy must have known someone.
And now it’s time for “A Message from Barack Obama.” From Tuesday night’s victorious speech: “Tonight I can stand here and say I am sick of this campaign.”
And now it’s time for “Everything’s Better With the Indiana Jones Song.” We watch a tape of odd images, such as a woman rolling sausages and toddler programs, accompanied with the theme song to “Indiana Jones.”
As Dave is about to go on to his next order of business, he notices a space alien lurking behind in the window. Unbelievable! Dave will probably be on Larry King later this week to describe what he saw.
Do you like weird stuff out of South America? Well, a guy flew over a clearing in South America and observed a rare native tribe in Brazil. He quickly snapped some photographs of the isolated peoples and the images are mesmerizing. He take a look at the photos and this announcement. Announce:“Recently, a plane flying over Brazil got a rare photograph of a native tribe that hasn’t had contact with the outside world in ages. Officials could tell the tribe is isolated from the modern world because of their primitive weapons, because they seem to have never seen an airplane before, and because they still think Hillary Clinton has a chance.
Hillary Clinton: #1 in the Brazilian jungle.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
Our President has a difficult time describing legislation.
Scott McClellan is scheduled to be on the show tonight but is appearance is in jeopardy due to inclement weather. The rain in DC delayed his flight to NYC. Will he be here in time? As of this time, we do not know.
ACT 2:
Coming back from commercial, we see the space alien outside enjoying a smoke. Not sure if he came to our world with the habit or if he picked it up here while visiting.
Our announcer Alan Kalter asked if he could say a few words if we had some time on tonight’s program. We have the time, so Alan has the time. Alan: “Thanks, Dave. We ride it every day. Uptown. Downtown. Crosstown. Whether we’re going to work or to do a little shopping. I’m talking about the New York City Subway. With 468 stations, 656 miles of track, and a daily ridership of over five million people, it’s one of the busiest transportation systems in the world. Wanna learn more? Come on, follow me!”
Alan Kalter gets up from his seat and waves to the camera to follow him out the door. Alan exits, but the camera remains. The camera remains on the door for quite a while. Nothing happens. Nothing. All we see is the door. Slowly, Alan returns. He’s not happy. Alan: “The camera didn’t follow me, did it? Unbelievable. You think I don’t know what’s going on? I hear the whispers. I know what you’re all saying about me. ‘Alan makes me uncomfortable.’ ‘Alan smells like hair dye and Kahlua.’ ‘Alan’s rubbing himself against the copier again.’ (Angry) I hear all of it! Well, I’ve put up with this crap for 13 years, but no more! It stops now, Letterman, or I’ll shove your dentures up your ass, you withered mummy! Get the camera out of my ‘givl’ing face!”
Alan shoves the camera away and exits.
Dave is shocked . . . and disappointed. He really wanted to learn about the New York City Subway system.
TOP TEN: Messages on Barack Obama’s Answering Machine #8. “This is Al Gore. Don’t make the same mistake I id and win the popular vote.” #7. “It’s John McCain. What is this, some kind of machine that answers the phone?” #2. “Hillary calling; I’m still prepared to offer you the Vice President position.”
ACT 3:
We take a look at the weather radar for Washington DC. We can clearly see what McClellan was up against. It’s very hard to fly through greens and yellows.
JACK BLACK
Is he working out? Sure looks it. Jack says he is indeed in training. He’s been working on sucking in his stomach and sticking out his chest. It seems to be working. Let that be a lesson to you: It’s all in the distribution. Jack is hoping his body stays like that if he does it long enough; you know, like how your mother would tell you to stop making faces in the mirror or else it would stay like that. How’s it going so far? Jack grabs hold of his belly and it’s obvious the hoped-for six-pack has been opened and drank.
Jack has bleached parts of his hair blond and as any actor or actress will say when they make a hair style faux pas, Jack says it was done for a film he’s shooting. Just the tips remained bleaches, the remnants of a film called “Tropic Thunder,” directed by Ben Stiller. And it was shot in Hawaii.
I think the LATE SHOW should consider something called Trading Spaces where we go to Hawaii for a month to do our show and, I don’t know, something like “Hello Hawaii” would come to New York and shoot their show for a month. I’m nothing if not an idea man.
Congratulations are in order. Jack and his wife are the proud parents of a baby boy not more than two weeks old. It is their second child. Jack had heard from friends that two kids are more than twice as hard as having one. You would think it might be twice as hard, but it’s not. It’s much harder than twice as hard. It’s sort of like running a quarter-mile in high school. It’s hard, but it’s doable. Once around the track and you’re done. You’re tired, but the end is always in sight. But have you ever tried to run a half-mile race? That’s like 8 times as hard as the quarter-mile. It’s even harder than running a mile. In a high school mile, you can job parts of it and no one will really notice. Plus, four laps around the track and spectators begin to lose interest. In the half-mile, you don’t know whether to sprint or what. It’s a really hard race to run. It’s like having two kids.
And when it comes to twins, I always tell new moms and dads of singles this about feeding, changing, and tending: “When you are done, we are only half done.”
Kung Fu Panda – it’s in theaters Friday.
ACT 5:Announce:“Do you like magic? Because the Tony Mendez Show is back with an all-new abracadabra-riffic episode!
Tune in for the Tony Mendez Show’s Magician Week! You’ll be thrilled by amazing card tricks and marvelous illusions.
Satisfy your comedy craving at www.cbs.com/lateshow. Logging on to a website has never been this magical!
We’ll be right back.”
ACT 6: Scott McClellan Update: Dave had just received notice that McClellan’s plane was “powered down.” He says “this indicates to me it never took off.” DING! We had gotten bad information earlier. We take another look at the radar and it is clear that it is not clear in DC. Dave looks over to our executive producer and asks, “Are we still keeping our fingers crossed? Ms. Gaines shouts out an exasperated, “NO!”
Dave sends this message out to Scott McClellan: “Hey, Scotty, if you want to sell books, how about showing up to the gig a day early.”
It’s time once again for a visit from America’s favorite humorist, B.J. Twain.
The scrim rises and we see Mr. Twain seated in his favorite chair.
B.J. TWAIN: “Oh, hello, I didn’t hear you come in. Twain’s the name, B.J. Twain.
My wife is so ugly, when she kisses me she keeps her eyes closed so she doesn’t see me suffer.
She’s so ugly she once looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
I tell ya, she’s not that bright, either. She’s so stupid, she sits in front of the TV and watches the couch.
And she never shuts up. She’s the only woman I ever met with a walk-in mouth.
And talk about fat! She’s so fat, the last time she stood on a street corner, a cop told her to break it up.
My wife is so fat, every time I get on top of her, my ears pop.
Hit it, Paul!”
B.J. Twain then gets up and sings “Hooked on a Feeling,” the non-“oooga chocka chocka chocka oooga” version.
ACT 7: ESPERANZA SPALDING: Making her network television debut, from her brand new CD, “Esperanza,” Esperanza Spalding performed “Precious.”
At the close of the song, Dave crosses, thanks Esperanza, and says to Paul, “Paul, you were right. She’s the coolest person we’ve ever had on the show.”
Congratulations, Esperanza, you’ve just knock Johnny Depp off the “Coolest Person Ever On Our Show” perch.
And that was our show for Wednesday June 4, 2008.
For your notes: It was on November 12, 1999 when Dave said to Paul that Johnny Depp was the coolest guy we ever had on the show.
I’m making a cup of coffee the other day and while I waited for the brew to perk, I poured the milk and a packet of sugar into my cup. For me, this is backwards. I always pour the coffee in first followed by the milk and sugar, but since the coffee wasn’t ready yet and I am too impatient, I added the milk and sugar first. But then I thought this is the way it should be. It should be milk and sugar first, followed by the coffee. This way, when you pour in the coffee, it will automatically mix with the milk and sugar. There is no need to stir. The stirring is done for you. How about that! 50 years old and I’m still learning how to make a cup of coffee.
I’m listening to Air-America radio here in New York the other day and Rev. Al Sharpton is the host. During a break in a taped piece, Sharpton reads a commercial for the need to get your prostate checked. But twice during the read, he says “prostrate” instead of “prostate.” Now I could understand the mistake if it was done live, but this was taped. It called for a “do over.”
I’m driving to work this morning and this came to mind: Why does the speedometer in my Honda Civic go up to 150 mph?
I used to love the baseball All-Star game, but now with interleague play, free agency, and ESPN, the interest isn’t what it once was. But this year is different. For one, it’ll be played at Yankee Stadium and I’m hoping for lots of footage of its history. But mostly I’m looking forward to the All-Star game because I suspect that’ll be the night Stadium Public Address announcer Bob Sheppard makes his return after a long illness. There is none better than “The Voice.”
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER Maddmaxx
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Jack Black; and Esperanza Spalding. PLUS:A Message from Barack Obama; the Lure of the Music from “Indiana Jones”; Someone Lurking; a Rare Tribe in Brazil; Great Moments; a Top Ten List; B.J. Twain; Alan Kalter Blows Up; and Is Scott McClellan Coming or Not?
“ . . . and now, crafty right-handed set-up man... David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
Moments before the show, Dave found himself in a fight with an audience member. According to Dave, the guy said something nasty about Paul and Dave came to his defense. And yet, somehow the kid was able to remain in the audience. Guy must have known someone.
And now it’s time for “A Message from Barack Obama.” From Tuesday night’s victorious speech: “Tonight I can stand here and say I am sick of this campaign.”
And now it’s time for “Everything’s Better With the Indiana Jones Song.” We watch a tape of odd images, such as a woman rolling sausages and toddler programs, accompanied with the theme song to “Indiana Jones.”
As Dave is about to go on to his next order of business, he notices a space alien lurking behind in the window. Unbelievable! Dave will probably be on Larry King later this week to describe what he saw.
Do you like weird stuff out of South America? Well, a guy flew over a clearing in South America and observed a rare native tribe in Brazil. He quickly snapped some photographs of the isolated peoples and the images are mesmerizing. He take a look at the photos and this announcement. Announce:“Recently, a plane flying over Brazil got a rare photograph of a native tribe that hasn’t had contact with the outside world in ages. Officials could tell the tribe is isolated from the modern world because of their primitive weapons, because they seem to have never seen an airplane before, and because they still think Hillary Clinton has a chance.
Hillary Clinton: #1 in the Brazilian jungle.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
Our President has a difficult time describing legislation.
Scott McClellan is scheduled to be on the show tonight but is appearance is in jeopardy due to inclement weather. The rain in DC delayed his flight to NYC. Will he be here in time? As of this time, we do not know.
ACT 2:
Coming back from commercial, we see the space alien outside enjoying a smoke. Not sure if he came to our world with the habit or if he picked it up here while visiting.
Our announcer Alan Kalter asked if he could say a few words if we had some time on tonight’s program. We have the time, so Alan has the time. Alan: “Thanks, Dave. We ride it every day. Uptown. Downtown. Crosstown. Whether we’re going to work or to do a little shopping. I’m talking about the New York City Subway. With 468 stations, 656 miles of track, and a daily ridership of over five million people, it’s one of the busiest transportation systems in the world. Wanna learn more? Come on, follow me!”
Alan Kalter gets up from his seat and waves to the camera to follow him out the door. Alan exits, but the camera remains. The camera remains on the door for quite a while. Nothing happens. Nothing. All we see is the door. Slowly, Alan returns. He’s not happy. Alan: “The camera didn’t follow me, did it? Unbelievable. You think I don’t know what’s going on? I hear the whispers. I know what you’re all saying about me. ‘Alan makes me uncomfortable.’ ‘Alan smells like hair dye and Kahlua.’ ‘Alan’s rubbing himself against the copier again.’ (Angry) I hear all of it! Well, I’ve put up with this crap for 13 years, but no more! It stops now, Letterman, or I’ll shove your dentures up your ass, you withered mummy! Get the camera out of my ‘givl’ing face!”
Alan shoves the camera away and exits.
Dave is shocked . . . and disappointed. He really wanted to learn about the New York City Subway system.
TOP TEN: Messages on Barack Obama’s Answering Machine #8. “This is Al Gore. Don’t make the same mistake I id and win the popular vote.” #7. “It’s John McCain. What is this, some kind of machine that answers the phone?” #2. “Hillary calling; I’m still prepared to offer you the Vice President position.”
ACT 3:
We take a look at the weather radar for Washington DC. We can clearly see what McClellan was up against. It’s very hard to fly through greens and yellows.
JACK BLACK
Is he working out? Sure looks it. Jack says he is indeed in training. He’s been working on sucking in his stomach and sticking out his chest. It seems to be working. Let that be a lesson to you: It’s all in the distribution. Jack is hoping his body stays like that if he does it long enough; you know, like how your mother would tell you to stop making faces in the mirror or else it would stay like that. How’s it going so far? Jack grabs hold of his belly and it’s obvious the hoped-for six-pack has been opened and drank.
Jack has bleached parts of his hair blond and as any actor or actress will say when they make a hair style faux pas, Jack says it was done for a film he’s shooting. Just the tips remained bleaches, the remnants of a film called “Tropic Thunder,” directed by Ben Stiller. And it was shot in Hawaii.
I think the LATE SHOW should consider something called Trading Spaces where we go to Hawaii for a month to do our show and, I don’t know, something like “Hello Hawaii” would come to New York and shoot their show for a month. I’m nothing if not an idea man.
Congratulations are in order. Jack and his wife are the proud parents of a baby boy not more than two weeks old. It is their second child. Jack had heard from friends that two kids are more than twice as hard as having one. You would think it might be twice as hard, but it’s not. It’s much harder than twice as hard. It’s sort of like running a quarter-mile in high school. It’s hard, but it’s doable. Once around the track and you’re done. You’re tired, but the end is always in sight. But have you ever tried to run a half-mile race? That’s like 8 times as hard as the quarter-mile. It’s even harder than running a mile. In a high school mile, you can job parts of it and no one will really notice. Plus, four laps around the track and spectators begin to lose interest. In the half-mile, you don’t know whether to sprint or what. It’s a really hard race to run. It’s like having two kids.
And when it comes to twins, I always tell new moms and dads of singles this about feeding, changing, and tending: “When you are done, we are only half done.”
Kung Fu Panda – it’s in theaters Friday.
ACT 5:Announce:“Do you like magic? Because the Tony Mendez Show is back with an all-new abracadabra-riffic episode!
Tune in for the Tony Mendez Show’s Magician Week! You’ll be thrilled by amazing card tricks and marvelous illusions.
Satisfy your comedy craving at www.cbs.com/lateshow. Logging on to a website has never been this magical!
We’ll be right back.”
ACT 6: Scott McClellan Update: Dave had just received notice that McClellan’s plane was “powered down.” He says “this indicates to me it never took off.” DING! We had gotten bad information earlier. We take another look at the radar and it is clear that it is not clear in DC. Dave looks over to our executive producer and asks, “Are we still keeping our fingers crossed? Ms. Gaines shouts out an exasperated, “NO!”
Dave sends this message out to Scott McClellan: “Hey, Scotty, if you want to sell books, how about showing up to the gig a day early.”
It’s time once again for a visit from America’s favorite humorist, B.J. Twain.
The scrim rises and we see Mr. Twain seated in his favorite chair.
B.J. TWAIN: “Oh, hello, I didn’t hear you come in. Twain’s the name, B.J. Twain.
My wife is so ugly, when she kisses me she keeps her eyes closed so she doesn’t see me suffer.
She’s so ugly she once looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
I tell ya, she’s not that bright, either. She’s so stupid, she sits in front of the TV and watches the couch.
And she never shuts up. She’s the only woman I ever met with a walk-in mouth.
And talk about fat! She’s so fat, the last time she stood on a street corner, a cop told her to break it up.
My wife is so fat, every time I get on top of her, my ears pop.
Hit it, Paul!”
B.J. Twain then gets up and sings “Hooked on a Feeling,” the non-“oooga chocka chocka chocka oooga” version.
ACT 7: ESPERANZA SPALDING: Making her network television debut, from her brand new CD, “Esperanza,” Esperanza Spalding performed “Precious.”
At the close of the song, Dave crosses, thanks Esperanza, and says to Paul, “Paul, you were right. She’s the coolest person we’ve ever had on the show.”
Congratulations, Esperanza, you’ve just knock Johnny Depp off the “Coolest Person Ever On Our Show” perch.
And that was our show for Wednesday June 4, 2008.
For your notes: It was on November 12, 1999 when Dave said to Paul that Johnny Depp was the coolest guy we ever had on the show.
I’m making a cup of coffee the other day and while I waited for the brew to perk, I poured the milk and a packet of sugar into my cup. For me, this is backwards. I always pour the coffee in first followed by the milk and sugar, but since the coffee wasn’t ready yet and I am too impatient, I added the milk and sugar first. But then I thought this is the way it should be. It should be milk and sugar first, followed by the coffee. This way, when you pour in the coffee, it will automatically mix with the milk and sugar. There is no need to stir. The stirring is done for you. How about that! 50 years old and I’m still learning how to make a cup of coffee.
I’m listening to Air-America radio here in New York the other day and Rev. Al Sharpton is the host. During a break in a taped piece, Sharpton reads a commercial for the need to get your prostate checked. But twice during the read, he says “prostrate” instead of “prostate.” Now I could understand the mistake if it was done live, but this was taped. It called for a “do over.”
I’m driving to work this morning and this came to mind: Why does the speedometer in my Honda Civic go up to 150 mph?
I used to love the baseball All-Star game, but now with interleague play, free agency, and ESPN, the interest isn’t what it once was. But this year is different. For one, it’ll be played at Yankee Stadium and I’m hoping for lots of footage of its history. But mostly I’m looking forward to the All-Star game because I suspect that’ll be the night Stadium Public Address announcer Bob Sheppard makes his return after a long illness. There is none better than “The Voice.”
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER Maddmaxx
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • A Message from Barack Obama • Everything's Better with the "Indiana Jones" Theme Song • Alien Watches Dave • Brazil Tribe • Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
ACT 2 • Alan Kalter's Tour of the New York Subway System • Top Ten Messages on Barack Obama's Answering Machine Read now
