CBS | Late Show with David Letterman :

Kevin Spacey; Senator Jim Webb; and Sara Bareilles.
PLUS: Same-Sex Marriages in California; Next Season’s “Survivor”; More From Sue Simmons; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Small Town News; a Top Ten List; and Dave Places an Order for Jamba Juice.

“ . . . and now, former bronze medal winner in the squat . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
It looks like same-sex marriage is now legal in California, and the gay community couldn’t be happier. They’ve released this message of gratitude.
Announce: “Last week, the California Supreme Court overturned a statewide ban on gay marriage, and Governor Schwarzenegger has announced he will not fight the decision. On behalf of California’s gay community, we’d like to thank the governor for his support; for his tolerance; for his compassion; (a shot of a shirtless Arnold from the film) for ‘Conan the Barbarian’; (shirtless Arnold) for ‘Terminator’; (shirtless Arnold) for ‘Terminator 2’; (shirtless Arnold) for ‘Terminator 3’; (shirtless Arnold) and for ‘Pumping Iron.’
Arnold Schwarzenegger: America’s most delicious governor.”

Dave takes a moment to say something about Jamba Juice. We have one right across the theater on Broadway. One Jamba Juice goes down smooth. You’re in Jamba Juice heaven. It’s so good, you order another. One-third of the way through the second one and you start to feel sick. But they don’t care . . . . they already have your money.
Dave puts in an order for one Jamba Juice. The Props department was already on it.

Last week the networks announced their fall schedules. CBS unveiled a new installment of the ‘Survivor’ program and it looks like a sure-fire hit.
Announce: “It’s ‘Survivor’ like you’ve never seen before. 16 castaways. 40 days. One cramped restroom. ‘Survivor: JetBlue’ --- this fall on CBS.”

0 Dave recalls a conversation he had with his assistant, Mary Barclay. He heard she was going out for a Jamba Juice. Dave politely asked is she could pick one up for him. She told him, “No, sugar makes you angry.”

It’s time now for a special report from WNBC, Channel 4 News.
We see reporter Ida Siegal doing a story on inexpensive food in Manhattan as she takes a big bite out a hot dog. Back to Sue Simmons: “What the ‘GIVL’ are you doing?”
The gusto of Sue Simmons spew is what makes this so enjoyable.
Dave says it’s like that every weekend at his house.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: Bush: “Ummm . . . .I’m . . . . uhhh . . . .”

ACT 2:
SMALL TOWN NEWS
- The Sun News (Myrtle Beach, South Carolina): Kroger is having a sale on soda: “Wow! That’s only $2.20 each when you buy 5. Limit 4.”
- The Oakes Times (Oakes, North Dakota): A poll question: What came first, the chicken or the egg? Jim Grueneich: The Egg. Jim Riddle: The Egg. Liberty Dunn: The Chicken. Betty Nelson: Undecided.”
- The Star Tribune (Minneapolis, Minnesota): “Police Report. A caller reported that a belligerent squirrel was preventing him from using his boat dock. He wanted officers to know ‘what kind of squirrels are running about in the community.’”
- The Press Journal (Canton, Missouri): a photo of a couple from the 1940s. Not much to go on here: “If you know this couple, call and wish them a Happy 62nd Anniversary on March 30!”
- The Blair Press (Blair, Wisconsin): A poem by second grader Samantha Fuselier: “My brothers get on my nerves. They stick their tongues out at me making me mad. I hit them. My face turns red. I hate them.”

During Small Town News, the Jamba Juice was delivered. There were two tall containers and Dave graciously gave one to Paul. Dave and Paul enjoy their tasty fruity beverage. Dave plays with his straw and says, “I don’t care who you are . . . this is the first thing you do when you get a straw in your beverage.” Dave then pushes and pulls on the straw through the small hole in the plastic top of the Jamba Juice. Paul joins in. Dave eventually tells him to stop, and now Paul is afraid he may go blind. OK, let’s get back to Small Town News.

- The Nevada Appeal (Carson City, Nevada): “A man in an inflatable chicken costume was attacked by a teenager as the victim waved at motorists.” Police noted ‘he can’t see really well because of the chicken head.’”
- The Raton Range (Raton, New Mexico): “Happy Easter --- Here comes Peter Cottontail . . . hopping down the bunny trail . . . don’t run him over ---- Celebrate sober.”
- Suburban Life (La Grange, Illinois): “Blind man keeps getting hit by cars.”
- The Lovell Chronicle (Lovell, Wyoming): A campaign against chewing tobacco: “Pick up your free Quit Spit kit at Minchow’s. Trade a partially filled can for a turkey sandwich.”
- Here’s a small town paper called The Daily News (New York, New York): “Democratic Presidential hopeful Senator Barack Obama speaks to congregation of Vernon Park Church of God in Chicago, yesterday.” (photo of top-hatted guy in magic shop demonstrating flaming wallet.)

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: Surprises in the New Osama Bin Laden Audio Tape
5. Complains ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ has totally ‘jumped the shark.’”
3. Background noise suggests he’s clearly at a bowling alley.
2. Announced his engagement to Star Jones.

Dave enjoys more of his Jamba Juice, then puts it away under his desk. Uh oh, something’s wrong. Dave sighs a sigh of disgust. Our cameraman is on the ready as we see what took place under Dave’s desk. He accidentally knocked over his Jamba. The orange ooze oozed across the floor under his desk. Dave says, “It’s time like this I miss my dog.”

KEVIN SPACEY: Kevin sits and says, “As a first guest, I think I deserve a Jamba Juice.” Dave, a polite host, takes Paul’s and turns the straw the other way and gives it to Kevin. Mr. Spacey then hurls the Jamba Juice all over the floor in front of the guest chair. Whoa! Hey! This is our house! You can’t do that! Kevin laughs at the thought of someone just turning on the Late Show and seeing a vomit-like splatter on the floor in front of the guest chair.
Earlier in the day, Kevin did a “drive-by” interview with Matt Lauer on the Today show. What’s that? Kevin expected to sit and talk for a few minutes about his new HBO movie, “Recount.” Instead, he was outside with Matt Lauer, Al Roker, and Meredith Vieira as if waiting for a bus and the whole interview took about a minute. He says he could have done it without ever getting out of his car. Spacey says unless you’re on “Dancing with the Stars,” nobody really wants to see you these days.

Kevin Spacey’s last film, 21, was about some MIT students who went to Las Vegas and figured out how to beat the house in blackjack. Of course, to research the part, he had to spend a lot of time in Las Vegas. Some of the students were also on the trip and although they were not allowed to play blackjack, casino rule, they were able to watch Kevin play. Kevin lets on that when one of the card-counting students nudged his chair, Kevin knew to ask for another card. How’d that go? Kevin says proudly, “I walked out of there with 10 grand!” I “Played the Spacey” and shouted, “Unfortunately, I started out with twenty grand.” I was sure this was where the story would go . . . I was sure the joke was, “I walked out of there with 10 grand . . . unfortunately I started out with twenty grand” . . .. but it wasn’t to be. It was a no joke story . . . just a story without a joke. Darn. I lost at “Play the Spacey.” I thought that was a gimme.

To finish up, Kevin Spacey does a Johnny Carson impersonation:
Johnny: “The air is bad in L.A. We’ve been having smog alerts. In fact, the mayor ordered every citizen to chew his breath 30 times before swallowing.”

Recount – on HBO, Sunday May 25th – a true suspenseful political thriller. And if nothing else, you’ll learn that the plural of “chad” is “chad.”

ACT 5:
Announce: “Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Harrison Ford, from ‘Living Lohan’ Ali Lohan, and singer Leona Lewis. The Late Show. Your first choice for laughter and kitchen appliances.
We’ll be right back.”

ACT 6:
SENATOR JIM WEBB: The junior United States Senator from Virginia. Senator Webb commented on the Jamba Juice mess that was cleaned up in front of him: “As a Democrat, I’m used to cleaning up messes left by those before us.” HEY-OHHH! Right out of the box! Nice shot, Senator.
And after that . . . I lost my notes. I’m writing this up Tuesday morning and I can’t find my notes on Senator Jim Webb. Dang it! And he had a lot of good stuff, too. I’ll try my best from memory. The Senator grew up in a military family, which usually means there were many towns and cities in which he called home. He graduated from the Naval Academy and became a highly decorated war hero while in Vietnam.
- 2 Purple Hearts
- 2 Bronze Stars
- A Sliver Star
- A Navy Cross – the 2nd highest decoration in the Navy and Marine Corps for heroism.
And as with many military heroes, he’d rather not talk about how he earned his medals.

After the military, he went to law school and started writing novels. His Fields of Fire is said to be one of the classics of Vietnam combat literature. Though never a registered Republican, he worked under Reagan as Secretary of the Navy. He ended up resigning after clashing with the Secretary of Defense over budget cuts. He thought he was out of politics for good, but became very disenchanted with the government’s reaction to 9/11 and Hurricane Katrina and the Republican Party’s stand on social issues and foreign policy. Jim returned to politics and ran for United States Senator in Virginia as a Democrat. Webb called an old military buddy whom he knew would always tell him the truth. Mac McGarvey, who had lost an arm during the Vietnam War, was working as a night manager at Tootsie’s Orchid Lounge in Nashville at the time. When Jim told Mac what he was going to do, Mac tried to talk him out of it. When that wasn’t possible, Mac left the lounge and jumped on board with Webb. Mac quit his job and became Jim’s driver.
Starting with nothing, Jim and Mac criss-crossed the state meeting and talking to voters.
He ended up winning in a very ugly campaign against incumbent George Allen.
It was during his telling of this part of his life where Jim used the term, “Dancing with the bear.” I think it had to do with jumping into his run for the Senate. Once you decide to “dance with the bear,” you can’t stop dancing until the bear says you can stop, or maybe it was “you can’t stop dancing until the bear stops dancing.” Once you’re in, you’re in all the way.
Jim’s new book, in stores now, is entitled, “A Time To Fight: Reclaiming a Fair and Just America.” I’ll be looking for it.
And the whispers grow louder for Senator Jim Webb as a possible Vice President candidate. With Webb’s time in the Senate even less than Barack’s, I don’t think he’ll be the guy. But his resume is fantastic for the Democratic Party.

ACT 7:
SARA BAREILLES: From her debut CD, “Little Voice,” Sara Bareilles performed “Bottle It Up.”

And that was our show for Monday May 19, 2008.

My girls had a basketball tournament this weekend and we stayed at a hotel. It was the first time I relied on the GPS to get me from here to there. I’m pretty good with directions but I was feeling lazy and decided to let the gizmo be my guide. I made two trips from the hotel to the game site on Saturday using the GPS and it worked great. I could quickly learn to like this thing. I went back to the game site on Sunday but I couldn’t find the GPS. It was buried someplace under the accumulations in the back of the van. I had been to the gymnasium twice already so how hard could it be to get there on my own? Lo and behold, I soon learned that a GPS really does make you lazy. With the GPS on Saturday, I never made a mental note on where to turn, how far to go, and never put any landmarks into memory. If I didn’t have the GPS on Saturday, I would have noticed street signs, gas stations, restaurants, broken billboards . . . . . I would have noticed everything and put it into my short-term memory. And on Sunday getting to the gym would have been no problem. But with the GPS, I didn’t need to remember anything, so I didn’t. I had the GPS to take care of me. And so on Sunday I was at a loss. I was never lost-lost, but I made enough wrong turns to be a bit concerned with the time. It was an interesting social study. Somebody should write a paper about it. I’ll wait over here.

Dang it . . . I hate when I do this. Last Thursday’s skateboarding daredevil Ryan Simonetti is from Great Falls, Montana . . . not Grand Falls, Montana. I had it right on Dave’s blue card, but not in the Wahoo. Sorry about that, citizens of Great Falls. And as for the people of Grand Falls, you owe me.

I was watching the Yankee/Met game Sunday night on the ESPN. A Yankee fouled one straight back and the Met catcher gave chase. He turns and runs towards the fence, his back to the field, then has to back up a few steps to make the catch. ESPN analyst Joe Morgan says catchers usually have to take a few steps back to make the catch after running forward due to the reverse spin on the foul ball. He says the spin brings the ball back towards the playing field and the catcher has to compensate.

It’s gotten to the point now whenever Joe Morgan opens his mouth, I study what he says to find the flaw. I also like to count how many times during a game he will say, “Well, that’s because . . .” or “the reason for that is . . .” and then be entirely wrong. Was he wrong this time? I don’t know, but I would think a ball fouled straight back would be spinning TOWARDS the stands and if anything, the ball would “drift” that way. It would not drift back towards the field of play. And the reason a catcher usually has to back up after when chasing down a foul ball hit straight back, if that is true at all, is because he is running forward for a ball going away from him. It’s an odd approach to try to catch a ball. Any recent Physics majors out there who graduated this week know the answer to that? I know you have nothing to do.

Many readers stop reading the Wahoo when they see the word “baseball,” but I rarely talk about the game in terms of winning and losing. That would probably bore people and you could find that anywhere. I like to study how the game is broadcast and presented to the home viewer. So it’s not really about baseball, but about the media’s strategy in its presentation. I rarely scream and yell when a Yankee makes an error. I find myself yelling at the TV when the camera is showing us this when it should be showing us that, or when an announcer pretends to know more than he actually does.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
East Haven, Connecticut’s most recently unemployed citizen, it’s Diana Harlow.
This installment of Cameo Mention of a Wahoo Reader was sponsored by Patti Gordon of Huntington, Connecticut.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com