DAVETV If you could look at only one thing on the Internet, DaveTV would be the obvious choice. What other so-called "website" lets you watch LATE SHOW Highlights, Comedy Clips, Slideshows, Stupid Trick clips and The Tony Mendez Show?
TOP TEN LIST You know it, you love it, you can't live without it: the revolutionary comedy bit that won Dave the Nobel Peace Prize. Check out the latest Top Ten List here.
TOP TEN ARCHIVES Old Top Ten Lists never die, they just get archived. The Top Ten Archives is searchable by date and keyword. Also, please note that the word "archives" contains the word "chives."
TOP TEN CONTEST So you think you're as funny as Dave's writers? Or maybe you just enjoy wasting time at work? See if you've got the chops to win a great prize in our weekly Top Ten Contest.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
WAHOO GAZETTE LATE SHOW staffer Mike McIntee gives you a daily show summary and the behind-the-scenes lowdown with his daily Wahoo Gazette. So much juicy inside information that you'll say "Wahoo!"
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Regis Philbin; Laura Dern; and Death Cab for Cutie. PLUS:Sue Simmons ‘GIVL!’; “Ask Bush Anything”; “Get To Know Dmitry Medvedev; JetBlue lawsuit; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; CBS News Election Update; and a Top Ten list.
“ . . . . and now, maverick biologist . . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
Have you heard about our local news anchorwoman, Sue Simmons? Dave knows Ms. Simmons from the old days at NBC. "Late Night" was right across the hall from “Live at Five” and Dave would frequently drop in unexpectedly. Well, last night Sue became irritated at something during the live broadcast of the news. We see her billboard an upcoming story, and then hear her yell something off camera. We see the clip. Sue Simmons: “At eleven, paying more at the grocer, but getting less? We’ll tell you how to get the most. . . . . (off camera) . . . WHAT THE ‘GIVL’ ARE YOU DOING!”
(Here at the Wahoo Gazette, I try not to use expletives. It is a well known practice for little children to peak over their parent’s shoulder while they are reading the Wahoo Gazette. To decipher ‘givl’, simply look to the left of each letter in ‘givl’ on your keyboard.)
Dave thoroughly enjoyed Sue Simmons’ outburst. He knows how she feels. Dave has had the good fortune to work on tape; not LIVE. If so, he most likely would have been caught in a similar happenstance. Dave supports Sue on this, fully understands, and hopes she doesn’t have to go on an apology tour. It happens, and Dave loved it. So did Paul. Paul enjoyed it so much he asked if he could see it again. Yup, funny the second time, too. And if you want to hear the unedited version, I’m sure it’s someplace on the YouTube.
The websites Yahoo and politico.com are conducting an interview with George W. Bush today, and they’re inviting ordinary citizens to suggest questions. They’re calling it, “Ask Bush Anything,” and here’s how it works. Announce: “Yahoo and Politico.com are proud to present ‘Ask Bush Anything,’ a one-of-a-kind opportunity for you to ask the president about the issues that matter to you most. Participants are welcome to ask hard-hitting questions about any topic, form the mismanagement of the war in Iraq to the economic crisis facing America, and beyond.
(fast read) Note: President Bush reserves the right to answer every question by saying ‘Corndogs is tasty.’ George W. Bush: Presidenting since 2001.”
Russia’s new president, Dmitry Medvedev, was sworn in last week. Since few Americans are familiar with him, tonight we’re presenting a new segment called, “Get To Know Dmitry Medvedev.” Announce: “New Russian President Dmitry Medvedev is a former Vladimir Putin Chief of Staff and Chairman of the Russian natural gas company, Gazprom. He was elected in March 2008, defeating rival Hillaryana Clintonesky.
This has been ‘Get To Know President Dmitry Medvedev.’”
A JetBlue passenger is suing the airline for making him give up his seat and sit in the bathroom for three hours. Dave was surprised to see this commercial. Announce: “On an overbooked flight, JetBlue forced a passenger to sit on a toilet. Now JetBlue is being sued for two million dollars. Have you been publicly humiliated in a toilet-related incident? Contact the law firm of Anderson & Harris, specialist in Toilet Law.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
A hemming and hawing Bush: “ . . .. uh . . . .. we filled a lot of space together . . . uhhh . . . . ummm . . . . unique ability . . . . uhhh . . . . .”
Today was the West Virginia primary. We go to the CBS News Election Center for the latest results. Announce: “CBS News presents the latest primary elections results.
(outline of Virginia) With 94% of West Virginia precincts reporting . . . wait a minute, that’s not West Virginia.
(graphic changes to North Carolina) No, I think that’s one of the Carolinas. West Virginia has a little piece hanging off it.
(graphic changes to Oklahoma) No, that’s in the Midwest, Nebraska or something.
(graphic changes to Ohio) No.
(graphic changes to Kentucky) No . . . you know what, we’ll get back to you.”
ACT 2: TOP TEN: JetBlue Excuses – JetBlue forced a passenger to sit on a toilet for three hours because an attendant wanted his seat. Dave sees that as a dream come true. He wouldn’t mind being sent to the bathroom. He calls it a tremendous way to travel. You can sneak a cigarette; doze off; be left alone . . . be left alone . . . and be left alone!
JetBlue Excuses: 10. Pilot’s judgment was impaired from long day of drinking. 4. Any publicity is good publicity, right? 2. C’mon, it’s still better than Amtrak.
REGIS PHILBIN
Dave raves about how good Regis looks. He calls him the personification of spring. Regis accepts the compliment, but has a bone to pick with Dave. Dave is always nice to Regis when Regis is here, but when Regis is watching the show at home, Dave tends to make some jokes at Regis’ expense.
- “Regis worked the red carpet at the Oscars because there was a buck out there he didn’t have his hands on. After the show, Regis was packed in ice and FedEx’d back to New York.”
- Talking about John McCain’s age, Dave said, “McCain looks like he should be co-hosting with Kelly Ripa.”
- “A 101-year-old man ran the London Marathon. Way to go, Regis.”
Dave laughs, then changes the story. Dave asks if he saw that thing with Sue Simmons? Dave and Regis both laugh; just two guys kicking back, enjoying the Sue Simmons’ oops. Their laugh was one of enjoyment and relief . . . relief that it was Sue Simmons and not them. Both know it easily could have.
Regis’s wife, Joy, had some surgery earlier in the day on her shoulder. She may have torn a muscle playing tennis. Regis left her bedside to come over here to do the show. Dave wonders why? Wasn’t Joy by Regis side the whole time he was in the hospital for his heart thing? Regis bows his head in a big of guilt and said she was. So why is he here and not there? Regis explains, “I don’t like to back out of a date.”
Congratulations to Regis! He will be receiving the Lifetime Achievement Award at the Daytime Emmys. Nice job.
Regis says he was in L.A. sometime back and was in the studio where Barbara Walters did her celebrity interviews. He found one of her questions tucked away in a seat cushion; one she never got around to asking. Regis decided he was going to ask Dave a Barbara Walters question:
“Given the talent you have, do you think you deserve to be the star you are?” Dave answers, “No, I don’t deserve any of this.” Regis blurts, “Then get out! Leave us alone! Dave explains he’s just been on the good end of dumb luck. “I’m in a place on TV no one cares about and therefore, I’m still here.” Dave recalls Walter Cronkite was asked that question when he received a $100,000 a year salary. He admitted he wasn’t worth that. I’ve learned that the only people who think they deserve all that money are the children of celebrities, not the celebrities themselves.
Dave asks Regis about his negotiations with ABC. I guess his contract is up. A giddy Dave says, “You got those Disney folks right by the nose.” Regis says that may be, but has no place to go. He could play hardball with Disney, but heaven forbid Disney calls his bluff. Then what?
Hey, more congratulations to Regis. He’s a new granddad. Dave holds up a photo of his grandson, William. Very adorable.
And one more congratulations to Regis who is about to host “Million Dollar Password” in the lucrative timeslot immediately following “60 Minutes” on CBS. It premieres Sunday, June 1st. Regis points out that Dave had been a celebrity guest on the old Password, hosted by Alan Ludden. He shows a clip of Dave on Password 29 years ago. The password was “Boob.” It was funny to see the still shot later in the show of Dave 29 years ago. The password was right there on the screen. It was a shot of Dave and the word “Boob.” I laughed. It would be a good stillshot on the alt.fan.letterman site. Oh, that’s right, there’s no more stillshot page. Nevermind.
I liked how Dave praised Betty White and Alan Ludden from Password all these years later. Dave said how they treated him so nicely when they really had no reason to.
Regis stayed out with Dave for the ACT 2, ACT 3, ACT 4, and with Laura Dern. I think that qualifies as a dinner date.
ACT 5: ANNOUNCE: “Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave is joined by ‘Jungle’ Jack Hanna, and musician Kid Rock. Don’t forget, in addition to great comedy, we’re also your 2008 prom headquarters!
We’ll be right back!”
ACT 6: LAURA DERN
She’s in the HBO film, “Recount,” about the 2000 Presidential election between George W. Bush and Al Gore. Laura plays the part of Florida Secretary of State, Katherine Harris.
It’s been 10 years since Laura Dern has been here. In that time she’s gotten married and had two children. She says how 2 children can sometimes feel like 20.
Laura is married to musician Ben Harper, and she is the daughter of actor Bruce Dern and actress Diane Ladd. Wow. I wonder what made her go in to show business?
Laura’s kids are getting old enough to realize she is a celebrity. They know of her dinosaur movie and being chased by a T-Rex but they haven’t seen that yet. Recently, her son came home from kindergarten and said, “Mom, we have to talk. . . . . is it true?” Laura didn’t know what he was getting at. “Is what true?” she responded.
Her son says, “Mom, my friends told me you play a Republican in a movie.”
Son, with dread – “Mom, I heard you were a Republican in a movie!” Kids are talking about this in kindergarten? Times have changed. When I was in kindergarten, my only concern was being first on the monkey bars. Are we still allowed to call them “monkey bars?” Recount – on HBO, premiering May 25th at 9:00 PM. In the film as Katherine Harris, Laura gets to say, “It’s going to take more than David Letterman to take me down.”
ACT 7: DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE: From their brand new CD, out today, “Narrow Stairs,” Death Cab for Cutie performed “I Will Possess Your Heart.”
And that was our show for Tuesday May 13, 2008.
My guess: Hillary is about to drop out, but wants to quit after a win. Could be today, tomorrow, some time this week. Or she might drag this out to the Democratic convention. If that’s the case, she either really really wants to be President, or she really really doesn’t want to be Senator.
About JetBlue . . . . . the toilet is by far the worse seat on a plane . . . but eventually, if you’re on the plane long enough, it becomes the most desired.
Letterman’s Humor is back. Monday, from Delaware Park in Delaware, Letterman’s Humor was the #5 horse in the 4th race. How did Letterman’s Humor do? He went off at 12-to-1 and came in 4th. Not bad. But then . . . . there were only 4 horses. Spooky Mulder won by 2-and-a-half lengths, followed by Chief Export, and Super Struggler. Letterman’s Humor is still running.
It’s time to play “Name Their Running Mate!”
Who will McCain pick?
Who will Obama pick?
Tie breaker – Who will Nader pick?
Send in your picks. Deadline to be determined without warning.
Things are starting to get interesting in Yankee Land. Hank Steinbrenner is starting to bellow.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s his birthday! John Francis Xavier McIntee. Happy Birthday, Dad.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
Regis Philbin; Laura Dern; and Death Cab for Cutie. PLUS:Sue Simmons ‘GIVL!’; “Ask Bush Anything”; “Get To Know Dmitry Medvedev; JetBlue lawsuit; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; CBS News Election Update; and a Top Ten list.
“ . . . . and now, maverick biologist . . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
Have you heard about our local news anchorwoman, Sue Simmons? Dave knows Ms. Simmons from the old days at NBC. "Late Night" was right across the hall from “Live at Five” and Dave would frequently drop in unexpectedly. Well, last night Sue became irritated at something during the live broadcast of the news. We see her billboard an upcoming story, and then hear her yell something off camera. We see the clip. Sue Simmons: “At eleven, paying more at the grocer, but getting less? We’ll tell you how to get the most. . . . . (off camera) . . . WHAT THE ‘GIVL’ ARE YOU DOING!”
(Here at the Wahoo Gazette, I try not to use expletives. It is a well known practice for little children to peak over their parent’s shoulder while they are reading the Wahoo Gazette. To decipher ‘givl’, simply look to the left of each letter in ‘givl’ on your keyboard.)
Dave thoroughly enjoyed Sue Simmons’ outburst. He knows how she feels. Dave has had the good fortune to work on tape; not LIVE. If so, he most likely would have been caught in a similar happenstance. Dave supports Sue on this, fully understands, and hopes she doesn’t have to go on an apology tour. It happens, and Dave loved it. So did Paul. Paul enjoyed it so much he asked if he could see it again. Yup, funny the second time, too. And if you want to hear the unedited version, I’m sure it’s someplace on the YouTube.
The websites Yahoo and politico.com are conducting an interview with George W. Bush today, and they’re inviting ordinary citizens to suggest questions. They’re calling it, “Ask Bush Anything,” and here’s how it works. Announce: “Yahoo and Politico.com are proud to present ‘Ask Bush Anything,’ a one-of-a-kind opportunity for you to ask the president about the issues that matter to you most. Participants are welcome to ask hard-hitting questions about any topic, form the mismanagement of the war in Iraq to the economic crisis facing America, and beyond.
(fast read) Note: President Bush reserves the right to answer every question by saying ‘Corndogs is tasty.’ George W. Bush: Presidenting since 2001.”
Russia’s new president, Dmitry Medvedev, was sworn in last week. Since few Americans are familiar with him, tonight we’re presenting a new segment called, “Get To Know Dmitry Medvedev.” Announce: “New Russian President Dmitry Medvedev is a former Vladimir Putin Chief of Staff and Chairman of the Russian natural gas company, Gazprom. He was elected in March 2008, defeating rival Hillaryana Clintonesky.
This has been ‘Get To Know President Dmitry Medvedev.’”
A JetBlue passenger is suing the airline for making him give up his seat and sit in the bathroom for three hours. Dave was surprised to see this commercial. Announce: “On an overbooked flight, JetBlue forced a passenger to sit on a toilet. Now JetBlue is being sued for two million dollars. Have you been publicly humiliated in a toilet-related incident? Contact the law firm of Anderson & Harris, specialist in Toilet Law.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
A hemming and hawing Bush: “ . . .. uh . . . .. we filled a lot of space together . . . uhhh . . . . ummm . . . . unique ability . . . . uhhh . . . . .”
Today was the West Virginia primary. We go to the CBS News Election Center for the latest results. Announce: “CBS News presents the latest primary elections results.
(outline of Virginia) With 94% of West Virginia precincts reporting . . . wait a minute, that’s not West Virginia.
(graphic changes to North Carolina) No, I think that’s one of the Carolinas. West Virginia has a little piece hanging off it.
(graphic changes to Oklahoma) No, that’s in the Midwest, Nebraska or something.
(graphic changes to Ohio) No.
(graphic changes to Kentucky) No . . . you know what, we’ll get back to you.”
ACT 2: TOP TEN: JetBlue Excuses – JetBlue forced a passenger to sit on a toilet for three hours because an attendant wanted his seat. Dave sees that as a dream come true. He wouldn’t mind being sent to the bathroom. He calls it a tremendous way to travel. You can sneak a cigarette; doze off; be left alone . . . be left alone . . . and be left alone!
JetBlue Excuses: 10. Pilot’s judgment was impaired from long day of drinking. 4. Any publicity is good publicity, right? 2. C’mon, it’s still better than Amtrak.
REGIS PHILBIN
Dave raves about how good Regis looks. He calls him the personification of spring. Regis accepts the compliment, but has a bone to pick with Dave. Dave is always nice to Regis when Regis is here, but when Regis is watching the show at home, Dave tends to make some jokes at Regis’ expense.
- “Regis worked the red carpet at the Oscars because there was a buck out there he didn’t have his hands on. After the show, Regis was packed in ice and FedEx’d back to New York.”
- Talking about John McCain’s age, Dave said, “McCain looks like he should be co-hosting with Kelly Ripa.”
- “A 101-year-old man ran the London Marathon. Way to go, Regis.”
Dave laughs, then changes the story. Dave asks if he saw that thing with Sue Simmons? Dave and Regis both laugh; just two guys kicking back, enjoying the Sue Simmons’ oops. Their laugh was one of enjoyment and relief . . . relief that it was Sue Simmons and not them. Both know it easily could have.
Regis’s wife, Joy, had some surgery earlier in the day on her shoulder. She may have torn a muscle playing tennis. Regis left her bedside to come over here to do the show. Dave wonders why? Wasn’t Joy by Regis side the whole time he was in the hospital for his heart thing? Regis bows his head in a big of guilt and said she was. So why is he here and not there? Regis explains, “I don’t like to back out of a date.”
Congratulations to Regis! He will be receiving the Lifetime Achievement Award at the Daytime Emmys. Nice job.
Regis says he was in L.A. sometime back and was in the studio where Barbara Walters did her celebrity interviews. He found one of her questions tucked away in a seat cushion; one she never got around to asking. Regis decided he was going to ask Dave a Barbara Walters question:
“Given the talent you have, do you think you deserve to be the star you are?” Dave answers, “No, I don’t deserve any of this.” Regis blurts, “Then get out! Leave us alone! Dave explains he’s just been on the good end of dumb luck. “I’m in a place on TV no one cares about and therefore, I’m still here.” Dave recalls Walter Cronkite was asked that question when he received a $100,000 a year salary. He admitted he wasn’t worth that. I’ve learned that the only people who think they deserve all that money are the children of celebrities, not the celebrities themselves.
Dave asks Regis about his negotiations with ABC. I guess his contract is up. A giddy Dave says, “You got those Disney folks right by the nose.” Regis says that may be, but has no place to go. He could play hardball with Disney, but heaven forbid Disney calls his bluff. Then what?
Hey, more congratulations to Regis. He’s a new granddad. Dave holds up a photo of his grandson, William. Very adorable.
And one more congratulations to Regis who is about to host “Million Dollar Password” in the lucrative timeslot immediately following “60 Minutes” on CBS. It premieres Sunday, June 1st. Regis points out that Dave had been a celebrity guest on the old Password, hosted by Alan Ludden. He shows a clip of Dave on Password 29 years ago. The password was “Boob.” It was funny to see the still shot later in the show of Dave 29 years ago. The password was right there on the screen. It was a shot of Dave and the word “Boob.” I laughed. It would be a good stillshot on the alt.fan.letterman site. Oh, that’s right, there’s no more stillshot page. Nevermind.
I liked how Dave praised Betty White and Alan Ludden from Password all these years later. Dave said how they treated him so nicely when they really had no reason to.
Regis stayed out with Dave for the ACT 2, ACT 3, ACT 4, and with Laura Dern. I think that qualifies as a dinner date.
ACT 5: ANNOUNCE: “Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave is joined by ‘Jungle’ Jack Hanna, and musician Kid Rock. Don’t forget, in addition to great comedy, we’re also your 2008 prom headquarters!
We’ll be right back!”
ACT 6: LAURA DERN
She’s in the HBO film, “Recount,” about the 2000 Presidential election between George W. Bush and Al Gore. Laura plays the part of Florida Secretary of State, Katherine Harris.
It’s been 10 years since Laura Dern has been here. In that time she’s gotten married and had two children. She says how 2 children can sometimes feel like 20.
Laura is married to musician Ben Harper, and she is the daughter of actor Bruce Dern and actress Diane Ladd. Wow. I wonder what made her go in to show business?
Laura’s kids are getting old enough to realize she is a celebrity. They know of her dinosaur movie and being chased by a T-Rex but they haven’t seen that yet. Recently, her son came home from kindergarten and said, “Mom, we have to talk. . . . . is it true?” Laura didn’t know what he was getting at. “Is what true?” she responded.
Her son says, “Mom, my friends told me you play a Republican in a movie.”
Son, with dread – “Mom, I heard you were a Republican in a movie!” Kids are talking about this in kindergarten? Times have changed. When I was in kindergarten, my only concern was being first on the monkey bars. Are we still allowed to call them “monkey bars?” Recount – on HBO, premiering May 25th at 9:00 PM. In the film as Katherine Harris, Laura gets to say, “It’s going to take more than David Letterman to take me down.”
ACT 7: DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE: From their brand new CD, out today, “Narrow Stairs,” Death Cab for Cutie performed “I Will Possess Your Heart.”
And that was our show for Tuesday May 13, 2008.
My guess: Hillary is about to drop out, but wants to quit after a win. Could be today, tomorrow, some time this week. Or she might drag this out to the Democratic convention. If that’s the case, she either really really wants to be President, or she really really doesn’t want to be Senator.
About JetBlue . . . . . the toilet is by far the worse seat on a plane . . . but eventually, if you’re on the plane long enough, it becomes the most desired.
Letterman’s Humor is back. Monday, from Delaware Park in Delaware, Letterman’s Humor was the #5 horse in the 4th race. How did Letterman’s Humor do? He went off at 12-to-1 and came in 4th. Not bad. But then . . . . there were only 4 horses. Spooky Mulder won by 2-and-a-half lengths, followed by Chief Export, and Super Struggler. Letterman’s Humor is still running.
It’s time to play “Name Their Running Mate!”
Who will McCain pick?
Who will Obama pick?
Tie breaker – Who will Nader pick?
Send in your picks. Deadline to be determined without warning.
Things are starting to get interesting in Yankee Land. Hank Steinbrenner is starting to bellow.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It’s his birthday! John Francis Xavier McIntee. Happy Birthday, Dad.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • Ask Bush Anything • Get To Know Kimitry Medvedev • JetBlue Toilet Passenger • Great Moments in Presidential Speeches • CBS Election Center Results
