" . . . and now, consumer watchdog . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Have you been following the rice-shortage story? Two large wholesalers are limiting how much you can buy. How bad has it gotten? Dave saw something this morning while doing his marketing. He holds up a box of "A-Roni." No rice included. Yes, it's gotten that bad.

Are you folks excited about "Iron Man"? It's the first big blockbuster of the summer and Dave is a little disappointed in the special effects. We take a look at the promo.
The beginning of the clip looks exciting and dramatic. Lots of action, lots of excitement. And then we see Iron Man. Ohhh, boy. Not much there. Quite the letdown.
I'm sure you're wondering. That wasn't really Iron Man. That was Twiki from "Buck Rogers."
I hope Dave didn't ruin it for everybody but he says the secret to Iron Man is all in the shoes.

We hear the sounds of an impending news bulletin. It catches Dave's ear and he searches for the urgent information. It's not on any of the blue cards. There is nothing on his cue cards. The sound effect then disappears. There is no news bulletin. We had just the sound effects of a news bulletin.

Gas prices are just insane, and they're going higher and higher all the time. And we're starting to see the effects here in New York City. We see a clip.
There's a guy hailing a cab on a city street. After a moment, one pulls up. Except it isn't the usual cab we're familiar with. It a cardboard cut-out of a yellow cab. A guy in the "front seat" is carrying it. The pedestrian walks around and "gets in." They jog off.
I liked that when I saw it on "Romper Room" 45 years ago and I like it now on the Late Show.

The camera shot suddenly lowers and goes off center. Dave notices. He's confused. He asks our cameraman Dave Dorsett what's up. We see Dorsett putting on his jacket. Where's he going?
Dorsett: "They're releasing 'Grand Theft Auto IV' at midnight and I need to go stand on line."
DAVE: "Could you hold off until after the show?"
Dorsett: "I suppose, but I prefer not to." Dorsett exits.
I like how he considered the suggestion but decided to leave anyway.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
Bush: says something about "an increase in your energy . . . . ." and then gets stuck. The words are dying to come out but something keeps them inside. I almost wanted to slap the President on the back to get the words out.

ACT 2:
SMALL TOWN NEWS
-The Latrobe Bulletin (Latrobe, Pennsylvania): "Derry area school district is accepting applications for the position of head varsity girls' basketball coach. Persons are asked to send a fiancé."
-The Dairyland Peach (Sauk Center, Minnesota): "Wanted: Ice Cream pails, with lids, free or cheap or will trade for cats."
-The Newark Post (Newark, Delaware): "A woman accused of stealing merchandise from a drug store came up with an interesting way to distract store employees: she exposed both her breasts and buttocks to them before fleeing."
-A Walgreens coupon in the Star-Tribune (Minneapolis, Minnesota): "Stock up! 59 cents, Green Giant canned vegetables. Limit 3."
-The Lovell Chronicle (Lovell, Wyoming): "Marlene Gould correctly answered last week's question. Lovell's first appointed postmaster in 1888 was Josiah Cook. She wins a package of peanut butter M&Ms. She had trouble containing her excitement when she found out!"
-The Lake City Graphic (Lake City, Minnesota): An ad for Myer Feed and Farm Supply: "Contrary to rumors . . . I will continued to be open for business today, tomorrow, and in the future. Whomever started this lie, shame on you!"
-And finally: The Lansing State Journal (Lansing, Michigan): "A female customer stole a 20-inch boa constrictor from Lansing pet store by slipping the snake down her pants." The store's owner said, "I am far less concerned for the person than for the snake."

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: Things Saddam Hussein Would Say If He Were Alive Today. Saddam would have been 71 years old today if he wasn't hanged. Dave reenacts the hanging and how Saddam was heckled before the door dropped open. The peanut gallery yelled barbed comments such as, "Hey, fatso!" Saddam tried to respond but was left with his mouth open.
Things Saddam Hussein Would Say If He Were Alive Today
10. "Let me guess --- Bush still hasn't caught Osama."
3. "Damn these rope burns --- anyone got a turtleneck?"
2. "I may have been a brutal dictator but I kept gas prices under two dollars."

GWYNETH PALTROW: dressed in all black.
Gwyneth is the mom of two; a two-year-old boy and a 4-year-old girl. Gwyneth has learned in the past two years that boys and girls are much different. Besides the obvious, Gwyneth's daughter will play nicely and quietly creating something lovely with her hands and imagination. Her son will then come around and smash it to pieces. He's violent, but very sweet, a sensitive thug. Her daughter will cry out, "Stop it! You're antagonizing me!"
Gwyneth required some surgery recently from an accident suffered on the set of "Iron Man." She banged her knee and it hurt like heck. She told the director, Jon Favreau, but could tell what he was thinking: "ooh, poor baby . . . another fragile actress." So Gwyneth continued on and fought through the pain. She eventually went to the doctor and discovered she had broken her knee. Favreau felt terrible afterwards but I'm sure he was more glad he got the shot needed when needed. The fracture was fixed with cement. If I were Gwyneth, I'd have someone take a look at my medical plan.
Dave compliments Gwyneth for smelling so lovely. What is it? It's Estee Lauder's "Youth Dew." Ahhh, nice plug, Gwyneth . . . with a very nice assist from Dave. "Iron Man" opens this Friday. We take a look at a clip. I heard earlier in the day we would be showing a Shecky clip for "Iron Man" before showing an actual clip. I was hoping for "Gigantor." Nope . . . didn't get it.
Shecky clip - Rick Scheckman is the Late Show film coordinator. He has access to lots and lots of old footage. When we use something of his, we call it a "Shecky clip."

ACT 5:
Announce: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Robert Downey, Jr., and Alicia Keys. 4 out of 5 dentists surveyed said they would watch this show! We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
RICHARD LEWIS: dressed in all black.
Richard says he met Gwyneth on his way to the stage. He was very impressed with her height. Looking up at her, Richard says he felt like a Jewish semi-colon. I laughed, even though I didn't quite get it. This is what a semi-colon looks like:
;
My guess is the comma part of the semi-colon is analogous to a bent over, old man's body up to the neck. The period above the comma is the head looking up. The Jewish part I don't get, unless Richard was just referring to himself. Or maybe it was one of those lines that should just be enjoyed without analyzing.
Richard got married since the last time he was here about 3 years ago. Although life in his 20s was fun, he doesn't miss those days. And he doesn't miss being 50 and dating the trophy gal of 20. Sure, some of that was fun but he is now past that. He knew it was getting old when one date asked, "What was more authentic, 'Webster' or 'Different Strokes.'"
Is Richard planning on having kids in this new marriage? He doesn't think so. His doctor says his sperm is too old. Richard says the doctor said to him that by the time my sperm swam down the canal thing, her egg would be hard-boiled.
Richard sounds very happy with his new life and loves his wife. He appreciates her intelligence and she gets his sense of humor. His wife caught him the other day with porn on the TV. He says it came on by mistake. He fell asleep during a documentary or something and this porn movie followed. He felt guilty. His wife wanted to know why he was watching porn. Richard explained, "I just want to see if Misty gets into law school."
Richard finishes with a story of meeting Keith Richards backstage after a Rolling Stones concert. Richard helped himself to a piece of cheese on the after-show platter. Keith Richards slapped Richard's hand and scolded, "Richard Richard Richard . . . what are you doing? Don't eat cheese! It's bad for your cholesterol." How bad is that when you received health tips from Keith Richards?!
Richard Lewis: his book, "The Other Great Depression" has been updated and released in paperback and is in stores now.

ACT 7:
THE ROOTS, WITH SPECIAL GUESTS CHRISETTE MICHELE AND WALE
From their new CD, "Rising Down," The Roots, along with Chrisette Michele and Wale, performed "Rising Up."

And that was our show for Monday, April 28, 2008.



The Democratic Primary is in Indiana next week. And wasting no time, Hillary Clinton today claimed she was the Lollipop Man for Team Granatelli at the '69 Indianapolis 500.

Did you watch "Lost" last week? It was the first new episode in months. In fact, it's been away so long the island is now a 4-star resort.

Saddam Hussein would have been 71 years old today if still alive. Meanwhile, Osama bin Laden is doing just swimmingly at the age of 51.
You remember Osama, don't you? He's the guy who is going to outlast George W. Bush.

I learned my first song on the ukulele this weekend, followed by 3 more. I'm just plucking at strings but what I really want to do is strum. If you're planning a party and are in need of a ukulele player, I'm available. Selections limited.

I'm watching "Millionaire" this morning and one of the questions had to do with cyclones. But they had it spelled "Ciclone." That had to get through a lot of people for it to end up on TV that way. But it happens. Yes, I know all too well that it happens.

This just in: New York Rangers Sean Avery was just called for a two-minute penalty for looking at Sidney Crosby the wrong way.

Why doesn't the government just send our stimulus rebate check directly to the gas companies and cut out the middle man?

Hey, the Rosie O'Donnell website is no longer linked on Drudge. What up?

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Beaver Dam, Wisconsin, it's Sandie Evraets
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER.