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Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Show #2902
By Michael Z. McIntee Change Text Color:
Black | White


Kelsey Grammer; Kristen Bell; and Rogue Wave.
PLUS: The Pope’s In Town; HBO’s “John Adams”; A Man Needs to Mail Out His Taxes; Surprising Footage of Mamie Eisenhower; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Alan Kalter’s Product Profile; and a Top Ten with Area Accountants.

“ . . . and now, disgruntled office seeker . . . . . David Letterman!”

ACT 1:
The Pope arrived in Washington DC this afternoon and everyone is excited. But there is also excitement in Vatican City while the Pope is away. We see an announcement why the joy in the Vatican.
Announce: “This week, his holiness Pope Benedict XVI will make a historic trip to the United States. But Vatican City residents can rest easy during the Pope’s absence . . . because he’s left a stellar assortment of guest Popes to fill in for him while he’s away . . . . . including Burt Reynolds on Tuesday (photo of Burt Reynolds in a Pope hat), John Davidson on Wednesday (John Davidson in a Pope hat), David Brenner on Thursday (David Brenner in a Pope hat), and Willie Tyler and Lester on Friday (Willie and Lester in a Pope hat).
Vatican City: America’s late night leader.”

Dave loves the “John Adams” series on HBO. Can’t get enough of it. We watch a clip from last night’s episode.
We see Gerry Mulligan as a founding father painting a portrait of Chris Elliott, playing the part of John Adams. Mr. Elliott is antsy to get the painting done with.
MULLIGAN: “At last, it is finished, Mr. President.”
John Adams takes a look at the finished product and is not at all pleased. The painting made him look fat and bloated.
JOHN ADAMS: “What the hell is this crap? I’m as big as a whale! I look like Tyne Daly!”
Adams throws the painting back at Mulligan.
MULLIGAN: “Who’s Tyne Daly?”
JOHN ADAMS: “’Cagney and Lacey’, ‘sdd’-hole.” He exits.

An elderly gentleman holding an envelope then enters by the skyline. He appears lost.
OLD MAN: “Excuse me, do you have a mailbox? I need to mail my taxes.”
DAVE: “I . . . I uhhh . . . I’m not sure I can help you.”
OLD MAN: “Never mind. I see one.”
The gentleman ambles over to the entrance by our executive producer. There he finds a city mailbox and drops in his taxes. He exits.
All these years and Dave says he’s never noticed that mailbox before.

Have you heard about the sex tape of Marilyn Monroe that was just uncovered? Lots of stories surrounding it and it was just sold to a private collector for $1.5 million. We haven’t been able to see any of it but we did uncover another bit of pornography featuring Mamie Eisenhower before she became First Lady. We see a clip of this racy X-rated footage from some time in the 1930s. It’s nothing more than a woman twirling and tying sausages. Life was so much more innocent back then.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES:
The President inexplicably asks a woman if her soon-to-be born child will be named “Georgia.”
My guess is the President was aiming to have the child named after him.

ACT 2:
TOP TEN: Reasons I Like Being An Accountant – we scrounged up 10 area accountants for tonight’s top ten list. Sure, it must be great to be on the LATE SHOW, but here they are in the Wahoo Gazette!
10. Arthur Drucker
9. Richard Koenigsberg
8. Andrew Rubin
7. Lou DeFalco
6. William Bregman
5. Steven Goldstein
4. Vicki Penino
3. Andrew Ross
2. Saundra Bussell
1. Richard Cohen

After the top ten and animation, we find Lyle the Intern sitting in the guest chair.
DAVE: “Hi, there.”
LYLE: “Ch-ello, my brother from another mother.”
DAVE: “You’re that intern, right?”
LYLE: “Affirmative. Lyle. Rhymes with style. And I go the extra mile. Hey, can I say something to a friend of mine at home?”
DAVE: “Sure.”
LYLE: (looks into the camera): “Donnie . . . what’sup, man? Thanks, Dave.”
DAVE: “Lyle, can I help you with something?”
LYLE: (laughs)
DAVE: “What’s so funny?”
LYLE: “You, man. Everything you say. It’s gold.”
DAVE: “I didn’t say anything amusing.”
LYLE: “You don’t have to, Sweeney. You’ve got a gift. I’m jealous of whoever gets to hang with you on weekends . . . your wife or girlfriend or Paul or your poolboy . . . whatever it is you’re into. Must be Laugh Central, U.S.A up in that place.”
DAVE: “Why are you here?”
LYLE: “You thought I forgot, but I didn’t. I didn’t forget someone’s birthday. Big day. Big event. We’re gonna go large. The city is our oyster, so let’s start shucking it.”
(Lyle hands Dave a small box – Dave opens it.)
DAVE: “It’s a Metrocard.”
LYLE: “Pay one price, ride all night. Use it to get to my place. I’ll be there . . . bustin’ it. I’m trying to get my neighbor and her aunt there, too. Gonna be hot with two T’s.”
DAVE: “I don’t know what to say.”
LYLE: “That’s fine, mommy. You do what you want. We’re friends . . . amigos . . . compadres . . . shorties. I’ll keep chip, chip, chipping away at the little wall you put around yourself. But don’t worry, I’ll get it. Lyle doesn’t give up.” (Lyle leans in towards Dave and whispers) “I’ve cracked bigger nuts than you, bitch.”

And then Lyle ups and exits. Strange boy, that Lyle. Dave is a bit confused as well, though he’s heard that Lyle the intern did very well in the interview.

ACT 3:
KELSEY GRAMMER: It’s been 4 years since he’s last been here, that time for the final episode of “Frasier.” What’s he been up to? He took some time off after “Frasier,” spending summers in the Hamptons and vacationing in Hawaii.
Let’s stop right here and think of where we spend our summers and vacations.

OK . . . still happy?
Kelsey has also taken the time off to spend more time with his family; his wife, daughter, and new son. The son is named Jude and is attending a Jewish school in Malibu. He and his wife kiddingly refer to him as their “Jewish son, Jude.” And Jude is really taking to his education. The other day he came home and proclaimed, “Daddy, let my people go!” He’s also has a hankering to go to Egypt. Kelsey has been known to pal around with Woody Harrelson, who he got to know on Cheers. The two have a lot in common, but also have a lot not. Woody is more of a marijuana guy. Kelsey is more of a golf course guy.
(ME: Ever try both at the same time? It’s impossible.)
Woody has had Kelsey and his family over to his place by the ocean. They always have a great time. They’ve even swam naked together.
(ME: I’d be too afraid to swim naked in the ocean. I’d be worried parts of me would look like bait)
Kelsey adds, “And on time on the beach, one of the kids took a poop and the dog ate it.”
(ME: Right, and that’s why I never let a dog lick my face.)

Kelsey Grammer in Back To You, on FOX, Wednesdays at 8:30 PM.

ACT 4:
Back from commercial, Dave says that though he is not a raconteur, he believes every great story ends with . . . “and then the dog ate it.”

It’s time for a segment we call, “ALAN KALTER’S PRODUCT PROFILE.”
We see Alan holding a common dustbuster.
ALAN: “Thanks, D-Bomb. You know, the ladies often ask me, ‘Big Red, how do you keep your love nest looking so fine?’ The answer is right here: my Black & Decker Dustbuster.” (Alan turns to another camera – lights dim – sexy sax music is heard. Alan speaks with sensuality as he caresses the dustbuster)
ALAN: “The Dustbuster is the gadget you need when things have gotten . . . . dirty. Not only can this baby handle jobs like dust or cereal, it’s also great for . . . wet spills. You’ll be amazed by how well this little 7.2 volt wonder can suck. Plus, you get extra cleaning versatility thanks to the crevice tool.” (Alan hugs the dustbuster) “Oh, yeah . . . Mmmmmmmmmmm”
ANNOUNCE: “If you’d Alan Kalter to profile your product, contact us at:
Alan Kalter’s Product Profile
1697 Broadway
New York, New York 10019.
Back to you, Dave!”

ACT 5:
Announce: “Letterman! Shaffer! Clooney! Mendez! It’s an all-new, star-studded Tony Mendez Show!”
We then see a staffer we’ll call Pam Narozny proclaim, “It’s back! The Tony Mendez Show is back!” A bevy of staffers run in to a viewing room.

Like most Americans, I never knew it was gone.

ACT 6:
KRISTEN BELL: She’s in the new film, Forgetting Sarah Marshall. She plays Sarah Marshall.
Kristen has lived in L.A. for the past 6 years and just recently moved back to NYC, temporarily. She is subleasing, which means renting out and living in someone else’s apartment and using their stuff. Kristen admits to not being the neatest person and can put up with her own dirt and germs, but it really really bothers her to live among someone else’s dirt and germs. Upon moving in to her new place she immediately washed all the linen. Silverware? She couldn’t use someone else’s silverware and so went out and bought her own plastic silverware. And she’s discovered the greatest thing . . . plastic silverware that his actually silver! It looks like the real thing. And she’s also discovered wood grain paper plates. This 21st Century is the greatest!
Kristen is a dog person and has 3 in her apartment. Her newest dog is one she rescued after Hurricane Katrina. The dog is like 11 years old and nobody wants to adopt an 11-year-old dog, so Kristen decided that was the one for her. The dog has been through a lot; she’s missing a bunch of teeth, has a hole in its head, and breathes like Darth Vader. And she has recently developed Pica, a disorder where it eats everything and anything, no matter what it is. She’s eaten cigarettes, cupcakes, Saran wrap, and a cigarette lighter.
Which Dave says only confirms what he said earlier . . . that every great story ends with, “ . . . and then the dog ate it.”
Dave knows of the Pica. His dog ate one of those Presto logs. The dog died. I heard Dave tried to have it cremated . . . but then darn dog never went out. It stayed lit for hours.
Kristen Bell’s new film, Forgetting Sarah Marshall opens this Friday. She’s Sarah. The writer and co-star, Jason Segel, will be on the show Friday night.

ACT 7:
ROGUE WAVE: From their new album, “Asleep at Heaven’s Gate,” Rogue Wave performed “Lake Michigan.”

And that was our show for Tuesday April 15, 2008.




You know what is so frustrating . . . . it’s easier for a candidate to get votes by making fun of his opponent’s ears than it is to point out errors in his opponent’s economic plan. That explains why campaigns are so full of nonsense, but it does make it more entertaining.

Monday night at Studio 54, Paul Shaffer, Martin Short, Regis Philbin, and Charles Grodin hosted an event called “One Night Only” to benefit “Help USA,” an organization which provides assistance to homeless war veterans.
To find out more: www.helpusa.org

The other day I was asked by a writer if I knew the show that Dave did a certain odd maneuver with his hand to his face. The writer remembered it from a few years back. He seemed pretty pessimistic that I would be able to find it. He asked if I would call him back later if I came up with anything. I told him to hold on. After a few clicks on my keyboard, I told him the date, show number, and the ACT in which Dave performed the requested maneuver. The writer was very impressed and asked how I found it so fast. I wouldn’t tell him. I also told him that this knowledge is all coming with me if Worldwide Pants ever asks me to leave. Many years ago, back in 1995 I believe, it was requested of me, “Mike, I need a list of all the times we’ve said the word ‘ass’ on the show.” Hoo, boy. How was I supposed to know? I did the best I could from memory and came up with an abbreviated list. But since then I’ve kept a log of stuff I felt a writer may want in the future. Dave sticking a pencil in his ear is one such thing I log. Of the things I log, perhaps a mere 2% is requested at a later date. But it’s well worth my effort.

And now it’s time once again for “Late Night The Day They Were Born.”
Kristen Bell was born July 18, 1980. So, what happened on Late Night the day Kristen Bell was born? Well, LATE NIGHT wasn’t around yet, but on Dave’s morning show on July 18, 1980, Dave’s guests were journalist Jimmy Breslin, financial expert William Rukeyser, musician Michael Franks, and cross-country skier Stan Cottrell. Also regulars Edie McClurg as Mrs. Marv Mendenhall, Valri Bromfield with her dog Pal, and Ed Subitsky as Gary Coleman.
And that concludes “Late Night The Day They Were Born.”

The above feature was brought to you by The Donz. Yes, The Donz . . . no home should be without one. Order yours today!

Time killer: I discovered this the other day when I was looking to kill time at work . . . I mean . . . . when I was looking to kill time at home.
www.mlb.com. – Major League Baseball’s website and on it was featured the time killer, “Beat the Streak.” You have the chance to win a chance to win a million dollars by picking one Major League baseball player each day to get a hit. Can you put together a streak to beat Joe DiMaggio’s 56? If so, you could be in line to pick up a million bucks. And they have another contest for $25,000 if you can beat the record for consecutive days a player hits a home run. Pick a new player each day. I’ve been able to put together a 3-game hitting streak and in the other contest I was able to run my home run streak to one.

Joel Sherman of the New York Post wrote a big article a week ago Sunday on how the Yankees are bringing up Joba Chamberlain the same way the Minnesota Twins handled Johann Santana some years back. The Twins started Cy Young-winner Johann Santana out as a reliever for the first four years. The Yankees have placed the 21-year-old Joba in the bullpen to start the season. The Twins method obviously worked with Santana. Hopefully it’ll work for Chamberlain and the Yankees, too.
Of course, I wrote about this very thing in the Wahoo back on February 15th.
You can read about it in the Wahoo Gazette . . . or you can wait two months and read it in the New York Post.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From St. Louis, Missouri, it’s Marian Flotron.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
ACT 1
• Show Open
• Dave's Monologue
 Watch now
• Pope Benedict XVI's Visit
• Scene from "John Adams"
• Old Man Mails His Taxes
• Mamie Eisenhower Archival Smut Film
• Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
ACT 2
• Top Ten Reasons I Like Being an Accountant
 Read now

• Lyle the Intern
 Watch now
ACT 3
• Kelsey Grammer
 Watch now
ACT 4
• Dave: "All great stories end with, 'And then the dog ate it.'"
ACT 5
• "Tony Mendez Show" Promo
ACT 6
• Kristen Bell
 Watch now
ACT 7
• Rogue Wave performs "Lake Michigan"
• Show Close

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