" . . . . and now, the new Governor of the Empire State . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
While in the dressing room, it was discovered that Dave had a tick living in his back. No one wanted to have anything to do with it, but then our makeup artist Michele O'Callaghan offered to do the removal. She has a dog at home and probably has experience removing ticks from the dog. Says Michele, "If I can't dig this out, maybe I can put some powder on it." Dave was covered. If the surgery wasn't successful, at least it would look like it was. So, how did it go?
Michele was able to remove the tick . . . . partially. Dave shows off the tick.
Unfortunately, part of the tick is still embedded in his flesh. But he goes on. The show must go on. You can't spell "glory" without "gory."

Dave's been waiting patiently for this and it finally came in the mail today. Dave holds up a card. It's the size of a credit card and it's an "Emperors Club VIP" membership card. In the corner is an American Airline logo. Says Dave, "This means that every time I fly on American, I earn Emperors Club Whore Points."

And what's today's secret ingredient? We take a look at a video clip from "Iron Chef America." Today's secret ingredient is . . . . . . peanuts!" Very odd. I'll have to watch this show just for the secret ingredient of the day.

Senator John McCain went to Iraq yesterday. Some people say his trip is a calculated attempt to boost his campaign, but the Senator's spokesmen have released this explanation.
Announce:

"Many pundits say John McCain's visit to Iraq is an attempt to boost his foreign-policy credentials before the election. Others say he's trying to get a head start on his presidency. But once again, the cynics are wrong. The aging Senator simply got confused at the airport and accidentally boarded the wrong plane while embarking on a vacation to Branson, Missouri. John McCain: He is old."

"Last week, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer announced his resignation after he was caught patronizing a prostitution ring. Now it has been revealed that former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy and his wife had three-ways with a former aide. In light of all these shocking sexual scandals, Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell would like his constituents to know that he freely and openly nails staffers, interns, whores, dudes, transvestite whores, the elderly . . . you name it. Ed Rendell: He's into freaky 'djoy,' too."

ACT 2:
SMALL TOWN NEWS
-The Pioneer News (Shepherdsville, Kentucky): "Ear of Corn for sale."
-The Forest Blade (Swainsboro, Georgia): "Suspicious Package. Anyone missing the delivery of a package containing five pounds of marijuana from California is asked to contact the Georgia Bureau of Investigation."
-The Post Crescent (Appleton, Wisconsin): "A woman reported receiving harassing text messages from her ex-boyfriend. One included obscene language, a photo of her naked, and a comment about her three chins."
-The Montmorency County Tribune (Atlanta, Michigan): Here's a photo of successful hunter, Beverly Prell. We see a grandmotherly woman sitting on the back of a pickup. She holds the head of a dead dear. Her proud smile stretches from Buffalo, New York to Green Bay, Wisconsin.
-The Metro Source (Cheektowaga, New York): "Gorilla costume. Was a Christmas gift! Husband is too claustrophobic! Brand new. Never worn! Asking $150."
-The Progressive Journal (Pageland, South Carolina): "A man from Durham, North Carolina, driving 74 mph in a 55 zone with an open liquor bottle and marijuana was heading to Camden to get his nephew out of trouble." (For my records, there is a very "Odd Dave" following this joke as he goes googly eyes as if in a trance. You may see that shot in a future comedy piece when a writer asks for a shot of a goofy Dave.)
-The Tryon Bulletin (Tryon, North Carolina): "Get your pimento cheese for Valentine's Day!"
-The Kane County Chronicle (Geneva, Illinois): "Aunt Martha's offering free prostate exams."
-The Market America (Vadnais Heights, Minnesota): "Women's Day 2008. Archery Contest 1:30-2:30. Bring your own boy or use ours."
-The Rocky Mountain News (Denver, Colorado): An obituary for Hiroshi "Hootch" Okumura, age 94. "He enjoyed bowling until 10 days after his death."

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: Things Overheard at the New York City St. Patrick's Day Parade. Dave reads from the Top Ten info card I prepared.
"Earlier today on 5th Avenue, New York City held its 247th St. Patrick's Day Parade" Huh? Dave looks to our executive producer. 247th? Can it be? He reads on, "The first parade was held on March 17, 1762." He's till in disbelief but accepts the information. Meanwhile in the shack, I confidently Google the parade to support my card.
Things Overheard at the New York City St. Patrick's Day Parade.
#10. "Is that green beer or New York City tap water?"

During the Top Ten, Dave reaches to his back. After some effort, he pulls out a giant tick from his back.

RAINN WILSON: From the popular NBC program, "The Office." Rainn is a big fan of Dave and the show. He remembers going to NYU back in the 80s and he and his buddies would get up at 6:00 AM to stand on line for standby tickets to Late Night. He got in once to see that crazy guy Brother Theodore, Miss America, and Billy Joel.
(From the Donz --- September 17, 1986)
After NYU, reality hit and he moved to Brooklyn . . . the old Brooklyn, not the "new" Brooklyn where everyone wants to go now. His neighbors were broken crack pipes and marauding dogs. His apartment had no heat, no hot water. He made a practice of traveling with a towel in his backpack. When visiting a friend, he sort of let it sneak out that he was without hot water in hopes of being invited to take a shower. Not wanting to be too intrusive, he's reveal that he had his own towel.
Before securing a career in show business, Rainn worked at a waiter in a downtown diner/restaurant that remained open till 4:00 AM. He never was paid actual wages, all his earning came from tips. More than once he was tipped in drugs.
Rainn then mistakenly calls Dave, "dad." Perhaps his subconscious brain took over because Rainn says he sees Dave in the light of a father-figure. Much of what Rainn knows about comedy he learned from Dave, and his mom once saw Dave perform standup and maybe something filtered through. Rainn now has a 3-year-old son and he calls Dave, "Grandpa." Creeeeeeppy.
Rainn stars in "The Office" which supposedly takes place in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Well, Scranton is overjoyed with the association and Rainn recently was invited to appear at a Scranton mall. He describes it as if the Beatles were showing up. Thousands came, some holding up their babies. Rainn was picked up in a stretch Hummer with a police escort. It was all pretty frightening.
"The Office" - all new episodes begin April 10th.

ACT 4:
The details in the Eliot Spitzer scandal keep getting uglier and uglier. Dave found this revelation particularly disturbing.
Announce:

"In their investigation of the Eliot Spitzer scandal, law enforcement officials found that the Emperors Club escort service called Spitzer by the code name 'Client 9.' But according to the escorts who actually slept with him, he's more of a 'Client 4 1/2,' if
you know what I'm saying. Eliot Spitzer: America's favorite whore fiend." Thank goodness for the sound effects.
We at the Late Show abbreviate "sound effects" with SFX.

ACT 6:
MIKE GOLIC AND MIKE GREENBERG: Dave, mocking their relaxed attire, asks "What happened? Did you lose your luggage?"
Topics discussed:
-Tiger Woods. Is there any athlete better at what he does than Tiger? Anyone in the history of sports? For me, the only names that come close are Babe Ruth and Edwin Moses. Tiger is so good I wish I could build up a hatred for him, but I can't. He does everything perfectly and at times seems to almost dare the competition to beat him. I see every match he's in as 50-50. He either wins, or someone else wins. He's won 5 matches in a row against the greatest in the world! When I grow up, I'd like to be Tiger Woods.
And what's he going to do when he retires? Golf?
-Steroids: Mike Golic admits to using the steroids when he played in the NFL as a defensive lineman. He claims to have used steroids during the off-season to help him recover from a shoulder injury. He did feel a difference, and his wife noticed a difference, too. She told him to knock it off because she was experiencing his 'roid rage. And he admits he had the rage. He soon stopped.
-Billy Crystal: played one game for the Yankees. Crystal struck out. The pitcher came right at him. He didn't want some 60-year-old Jewish comedian getting a hit off him. If I were on the mound, I think I would have thrown him a fastball right down the middle and hoped he hit it. If Crystal got a hit, he'd invite me to every party he ever threw. The Pittsburgh Pirates then signed Billy Crystal to a ten-day contract. He must be good . . . he played for the Yankees.
-The Knicks: They were hoping for an at-large bid to the NCAA Tournament. Now they have to settle for the N.I.T. . . . the "Not Invited Tournament."
-The Final Four? Mike Golic mistakenly picks two teams from the same bracket to make it to the Final Four. This may have gone unnoticed but his partner Greenberg was quick to point out the error to all America.

ACT 7:
BELL X1: From their CD, "Flock," the popular band from Ireland performed "Rocky Took a Lover."

And that was our show for Monday, March 17, 2008.



May your glass be ever full.
May the roof over your head be always strong.
And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

I made the soda bread for the staff today. Once again it was a big hit. As I said the other day, I used to make the soda bread year after year with great disaster. It never came out right. It was always too dry or burnt. It was my personal joke. And no matter how it came out, I would bring it to work, accompanied with a warning. But now, my bread is great! What I find most unsettling is I don't know what I'm doing different. And now everyone at work expects a great-tasting soda bread. I tell you, there is a lot more pressure to make a good soda bread when it is expected than when it is not expected.

May your neighbors respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.

So, how many stereotypical jokes, cartoons, and caricatures did you see today depicting the Irish as drunks?

"An Irishman has an abiding sense of tragedy which sustains him through temporary periods of joy."

Irish sayings:
- of a tall, large woman
"That's a fine doorful of a woman."

- of a gossiper
"She has a tongue that would clip a hedge."

- of one who overstays their welcome
"If that man went to a wedding, he'd stay for the christening."

- of a clever thief
"He'd steal the sugar out of your punch."

- of bad aim in shooting
"He wouldn't hit a hole in a ladder."

I was breezing through the newspaper this weekend and stopped on a "This Date in History" column. I found this interesting: On March 16, 1968, Robert F. Kennedy declared his candidacy for the Democratic nomination for President. The election was less than 8 months away. Two weeks after Kennedy jumped in, President Lyndon Johnson announced he would not seek re-election. And soon after that, Vice President Humphrey declared his candidacy. Why in this Information Age of the 21st Century does it take 20 months for a candidate to get his message across to be President when in 1968 it took only 8 months?

"A Kerry footballer with an inferiority complex is one who thinks he's just as good as everybody else."
- Author John B. Keane
"It was a bold man who ate the first oyster."
- Jonathan Swift

"I am a drinker with a writing problem."
- Brendan Behan

"You know it's summer in Ireland when the rain gets warmer."
- Hal Roach

"It's not that the Irish are cynical. It's simply that they have a wonderful lack of respect for everything and everybody."
- Brendan Behan

When I was younger I would take the bus to the city to watch the St. Patrick's Day Parade. The parade starts at 11:00 AM and goes on to nearly sundown. It's a ridiculously long parade and clogs up any business between 6th and Madison, from the 40's up to 86th Street. If I didn't want to deal with the crowds, I would watch from the 80's where it wasn't so jammed. And then when I became a police officer, I had the opportunity to work the parade. I was right on 5th Avenue between 59th and 60th. It was a great location. I learned when working a parade it is best to work on the Avenue between the streets. You don't want to work at an intersection. Too many people want to cross RIGHT NOW! They can't wait. Of course, you have to hold them until there is a break in the parade. And if you're in a major parade location, you can't let them cross at all. You have to tell them they have to walk 3 blocks south. They never like that. You don't have that problem working between the intersections. When I worked the parade, I had a front row seat for the entire parade. I met a lot of friends from home and school marching. And then I had the opportunity to march in the parade with the NYPD. I thought this would be great fun! But I soon discovered when I marched all I got to see were the guys in front of me and behind me. I could barely see or hear a bagpipe. I hated it. Very disappointing. Now I watch it on TV, though it's not nearly as good these days now that Captain Jack doesn't broadcast it.

"No man ever wore a scarf as warm as his daughter's arm around his neck."

As I was returning from rehearsal today, I was handed my NCAA Tournament Pool sheet. I gave it a quick glance and searched for a first round upset. My eye immediately dropped on #13 Siena vs. #4 Vanderbilt in the MidWest. Siena is a local and without looking any further decided to go with Siena for the big, first round upset of the week. By the time I sat at my desk, doubt was already filtering in. Did I really want to go with Siena? With rehearsal over, I decided to turn on the St. Patrick's Day Parade on NBC.
Marching up 5th Avenue at that very moment . . . . the Siena College marching band. Say no more. Siena is a lock vs. Vanderbilt; Friday evening at 7:20.

May the road rise to meet you,
May the wind be always at your back,
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
The rains fall soft upon your fields and,
Until we meet again,
May God hold you in the palm of His hand.
"Don't break your shin on a stool that is not in your way."

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Happy St. Patrick's Day to Tara Callahan DeGeorge.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER