". . . . and now, a man who says 'Spitzer? I don't even know her!'. . . . . . David Letterman."

ACT 1:
Every now and then this well-oiled machine known as the Late Show suffers a glitch and a bump in the road. Tonight just before the show up in Dave's dressing room, Dave suffered a wardrobe glitch. He was wearing a new pair of pants and they didn't feel right, so he called for our costume magician, Sue Hum. He tells her that the pants feel a little snug. She announces, "It's the cut." He tried to explain further that they felt loose in the waist but in other places . . . it was very snug. Hoping to get away with the empty generality, Sue repeats, "It's the cut." OK, fine. He suggests that maybe he should walk out on stage with his hand covering the snuggest part. Would that be OK? Sue thinks a moment and replies, "Oh, no, that would send a signal." And sending a signal is the last thing Dave would want to do.

Our old friend Billy Crystal is getting the thrill of a lifetime today as he plays for the New York Yankees. He's playing the outfield and we have a LIVE shot of him right now. We go LIVE to George Steinbrenner Legends Stadium in Tampa, Florida and see a ball skying high and deep towards the outfield fence. We follow the ball as it begins to descend. And we see Crystal make the catch and run through the wall. The guy knows only one speed.

Brand new 5-dollar bills went into circulation earlier today. The bill incorporates a number of high-tech changes to make it harder for counterfeiters to duplicate. It also includes this exciting new feature.
Dave holds up the new five dollar bill. He tears off a corner of the bill and squeezes. Out comes ketchup. You never know when you're going to need ketchup.
Seeing the ketchup coming from the Lincoln 5 made me think of that night at the Ford Theater.

Have you been watching the "American Idol" with that Brian Surfsider or whatever his name is? Dave is informed that it is Ryan Seacrest, not Brian Surfsider. Well, the producers unveiled an amazing, brand new set, but there are clearly still some issues with the construction. We watch a clip from Tuesday's "American Idol."
We see Ryan Seacrest lauding the new set. The camera pans across the set and it indeed looks lovely. Back to Ryan Seacrest. As he starts talking about something else, he suddenly falls through the floor and a puff of smoke plumes.
Damn. I wish I saw that.

Legal experts say Eliot Spitzer's most serious crime may have been transporting prostitutes across state lines, which is a federal offense. And they're not the only ones who have taken notice. We see this announcement.
Announce:

"Of all the mistakes allegedly made by Eliot Spitzer, the biggest one is that he bought train tickets to transport prostitutes between New York City and Washington D.C., when he could have saved big money going Greyhound! Why pay Amtrak hundreds of dollar when Greyhound's Hooker Express offers fares as low as $35? We'll get your hooker to you in comfort and style, and with the money you save, you can treat yourself to even more dirty whore sex!
Plus, for a limited time only, when you buy your hooker a regular-price ticket, Pimps ride free!
Greyhound: Leave the whore driving to us."

ACT 2: It's the 2008 Wild Turkey Bourbon Grand National Gobbling Champions.
1. Scott Wilhelm of Chippewa Falls, Wisconsin. Scott was the 1st place winner last year and this year finished in 3rd. What happened? Bite off more than he could chew? Scott says that may have been the problem but credits this year's champion for his deserved crown. Scott looked familiar and being last year's champ, my guess is he was with us last year. I looked it up in my files and yes indeed, Scott was here last year. He had a very funny line, too. Check out the Wahoo Archives: June 14, 2007.
Tonight, Scott performed the gobble of the eastern wild turkey. It sounded something like this: Gobble gobble gwock gwock gwock gobble gwock."

2. Doug Benefield of Newnan, Georgia. The flat Newnan is located southwest of Atlanta. Doug owns an automotive service center and a hunting lodge in Illinois. Doug's been competing in the gobbling championships for 14 years and has won 4 times.
Doug will also be doing the eastern gobbler. Can Dave do anything to assist? Doug says a glass of Wild Turkey Bourbon would help. Hey! Nice plug, Doug! A case of the stuff is on the way.
Doug also was here last year on June 14, 2007.
Doug's eastern gobbler sounded something like this: Gobble gobble gwock gwock gwock gobble gwock." I laughed while Doug was performing his eastern gobbler when I heard Dave remark, "He's not that good."

3. Stephan Richardson of Springdale, Arkansas, the northwest corner of the Ozarks.
Stephan does a lot of hunting for turkey, white tail deer, and black bear. He's taken 3 black bear, each by bow and arrow. Wow. I hope he had a gun as a backup just in case. I'd hate to hit a black bear in the toe with my last arrow. How's bear taste? Stephan says it's the perfect steak.
Stephan is this year's champion and will perform the gobble of the eastern wild turkey.
It sounded something like this: Gobble gobble gwock gwock gwock gobble gwock." Dave picks up on what made Stephan this year's winner: he gobbled with authority. It's true with anything. It doesn't matter how good or bad you are, just do with authority. People will think you know what you're doing.

To close up, Dave has the three gobblers gobble together. It sounded something like this:
Gobbles gobbles gwocks gwocks gwocks gobbles gwocks."

And that was our 2008 Wild Turkey Bourbon National Turkey Gobbling Champions.

ACT 3:
TOP TEN: Least Popular Dr. Seuss Books - Dr. Seuss published 48 books and sold over 500 million worldwide. "Dr. Seuss's Horton Hears A Who" opens Friday.
10. "Green Eggs and E.coli."
9. "Osama's in Pajamas."
8. "How the Grinch Stole His Sports Memorabilia Back At Gunpoint."

Dave opens a bottle of the Wild Turkey Bourbon and dabs a little on his wrists and behind his ears. He then pours himself a glass. And then takes a guzzle from the bottle.
He puts the bottle down and slurs, "Is it Christmas?"

KATE BECKINSALE: She was hanging with the turkey gobblers in the green room before coming out. Looks like the boys got some stories for home. Is there much wildlife in her hometown of England? Kate says there is not nearly as much wildlife or wilderness back home as there is in America. England has snails and lady bugs; here we have real animals. She once heard some rustling outside her California home and when she went to investigate, she saw a monster staring back at her. It turned out not to be a monster, but a opossum. I laughed when Dave called it an "O-possum."
(Hey, 'opossum' is pronounced "possum." But when you write it in a sentence, do you precede it with "a" or "an"?)
And another time while working in her garden in Los Angeles, again she heard rustling. She thought it may have been a squirrel but when she investigated, she found that it was a wolf! A big bad wolf. She backed her way into the house and the wolf slowly followed as if it wanted to come in, too. She had to squeeze herself through the door to get in. Dave doubts it was a wolf. Kate swears it was true. I did a quick check in my encyclopedia and found that the gray wolf can be found in the northern Rockies. I'm not sure if wolves are that prevalent in L.A. But if they are not prevalent, why would the 1967 L.A. soccer team be called the Los Angeles Wolves? So I looked it up in the wikipedia.
I found that the L.A. soccer team consisted of the players from England's Wolverhampton Wanderers. The L.A. team owner wanted to call the team the Los Angeles Zorros but then decided otherwise and went with the Wolves, as in Wolverhampton.
Does Kate have any other animal stories? Yes. About six weeks ago she was getting ready for the Screen Actors Guild Awards when her cat brushed up against a candle and burst into flames. Luckily, Kate had 6 gay men working on her for the Awards show and they quickly jumped on the flaming cat and put it out. All survived, but admits she did go to the SAG Awards smelling like burnt cat hair.
Kate's new film, "Snow Angels," opens nationwide March 21st.

ACT 4:
Dave opens the bottle of Wild Turkey Bourbon and takes a pull. He wipes his mouth and says, "I tell you, it's better than working alone."

And now it's time for another visit from America's favorite humorist, Johnny Twain.
The scrim rises. Johnny Twain is seated in a rocker.
Johnny Twain: "Oh, hello, I didn't hear you come in. Twain's the name, Johnny Twain. Recently, I've been doing a lot of thinking.
-If your goal in life is to own a fireworks stand, you might be a redneck.
-If you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle, you might be a redneck.
-If you ever cut your grass and found a car, you might be a redneck.
-If you think 'loading the dishwasher' means getting your wife drunk, you might be a redneck.
-If you front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs, you might be a redneck.
-If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade, you might be a redneck.
-And if you think a turtleneck is an ingredient in soup, you might be a redneck. Good night, America!"

ACT 5:
Announce: "Friday on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Jaime Pressly and comedian Brian Regan. Start your weekend off right; start it with us. We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
It's time once again for a segment with our building engineer, called "It's a Fact! With George Clarke."
We see a bloodied George Clarke backstage: "Never try to pay a whore with a Radio Shack gift certificate. . . . it's a fact!"

ACT 7:
GRAHAM COLTON: From his CD, "Here Right Now," Graham Colton performed "Best Days."

And that was our show for Thursday, March 13, 2008.



This is the final year of Yankee Stadium before the Bronx Bombers move across the street to the new Yankee Stadium. It was announced earlier this week that the National Hockey League is promoting the idea of the New York Rangers and Islanders playing a hockey game there after the baseball season. I like the idea. It's sure to be sold out. I like any idea that will keep the Stadium open a little longer. Heck, they can show movies at the Stadium and it would pack out. If there is a hockey game, I will be showing up in my Islander jersey . . . and probably get beat up by the 55,000 Ranger fans.

I was driving to work the other day and the name of old-time actor Don Ameche was mentioned on the radio. I know Don Ameche made a big return when he appeared in the film, "Cocoon," but I always remember him from something else. For some reason in the "black and white TV" portion of my brain, I picture him on the Hollywood Palace. I can see him standing there very dapper in his thin mustache, wearing a striped suit with a hanky sticking out of his pocket. And that's all I can remember. Just a still shot from long long ago. I never took it any further than that, satisfied with the split-second memory of Don Ameche. But when I heard his name the other morning, I decided to Google Ameche to see if any memories came flying back. I found that Don Ameche made two appearances on Hollywood Palace in 1967. But it didn't quite mesh with my memory. I thought I would have more memory of 1967 (how said is that?) I pictured it back further than that . . . and I imagine a circus involved. I did more digging. Ah ha! Found it! From "Yahoo Movies" I discovered that beginning in 1961, Don Ameche was the ringmaster of the NBC show, "International Showtime," (1961-1965), traveling worldwide to present different circuses and magic acts each week.
And that's the Don Ameche that I know.

I need to lose weight. My ankles are beginning to hurt.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Colby, Wisconsin, it's Nancy Kruger.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER