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THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Charlize Theron; Lewis Black; and British Sea Power. PLUS: Drugs in Our Tap Water; Something New from Apple; Vatican Sin Update; More Ugliness from Spitzer; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a Top Ten List; and Ask Eliot Spitzer.
“. . . . and now, president and CEO of Emperor’s Club V.I.P. . . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
Monologue Joke, regarding Eliot Spitzer's payment for a prostitute: “$5,000 and a hotel suite! Senator Larry Craig said, ‘That’s crazy. For 2 quarters I can have a pay toilet all night.”
Do they still have pay toilets? I remember them from when I was just a kid but I thought they legally had to do away with them.
Happy news. Dave’s boy Harry went to a birthday party today. Dave got a phone call later. Harry won at Simon Says! Congratulations, Harry. It’s something they can never take away.
An investigation report has revealed that New York’s water supply is contaminated with traces of medication, but fortunately, there is a bright side. Take a look. Announce:"A recent investigation found that New York's water supply contains trace amounts of at least 15 pharmaceutical drugs, including: amoxicillin; tetracycline; and Viagra. Viagra: The fuel that keeps the Spitzer spitzin'."
There are reports of iPods shooting sparks when recharging. Well, the people at Apple were quick to react. They are geniuses over there. Dave holds up their newest product:
The iLighter. It’s an iPod . . . and a lighter! Now you can sit back and enjoy your favorite song while puffing.
Earlier this week, the Vatican updated its list of sinful behavior. We take a look at the announcement. Announce:"By decree of Pope Benedict the 16th, the following shall be considered new violations of God's law: circumventing basic rights of human nature through genetic
manipulation; the use of drugs that weaken the mind and cloud intelligence; the imbalance between the rich and the poor; and skipping Lobsterfest at Red Lobster. It only happens once a year. Don't miss it! Tell 'em Benedict sent you to receive a complimentary order of garlic shrimp scampi.
This has been a Vatican Sin Update."
“So if things don’t go his way in life, maybe a career in Simon Says . . . . .”
I like when Dave refers back to something without a hint.
The details in the Eliot Spitzer scandal keeps getting uglier and uglier. Dave found this revelation particularly disturbing. Announce:"In their investigation of the Eliot Spitzer scandal, law enforcement officials found that the Emperors Club escort service called Spitzer by the code name 'Client 9.' But according to the escorts who actually slept with him, he's more of a 'Client 4 1/2,' if you know what I'm saying. Eliot Spitzer: America's favorite whore fiend."
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES.
We see our President at a podium. To his left is the German Chancellor Angela Merkel. We hear the German language being spoken. We see our President giggling at the sound of a foreign language. Bush mimics, “Ham-bur-jere.”
Watching Bush giggling and bobbing his shoulders reminded me of comedian Brian Regan on stage.
ACT 2: TOP TEN: Surprises During Eliot Spitzer’s Resignation – earlier today, the 54th Governor of New York State, Eliot Spitzer, resigned. #9. Opening line: “Are you a cop?” #7. Reaffirmed his policy of “Bro’s before Ho’s” #2. Said he thought the Emperor’s Club was a Chinese restaurant.
CHARLIZE THERON: Yowza! Quite the sight is Ms. Theron. And I’m glad she forgot the other half of her dress!
Congratulations are in order. Charlize, born in South Africa, recently became a United States citizen. She had to take the citizenship test and says she studied and studied to pass it. Dave says, “You should have just showed up in that dress.” Charlize did very well on the test but was thrown at the end when she was asked, “Can you write this sentence . . . . ‘It is a sunny day.’” All of a sudden she panicked. What was obviously a simple task became difficult. She wasn’t ready for it and over-thought it. She eventually collected herself and wrote out the sentence perfectly. My guess is the Bureau hopes to catch a terrorist when he or she mistakenly writes it out, “It is a Sunni day.”
And last month she was honored as Harvard’s Hasty Pudding Woman of the Year. It is given annually to performers who have made a “lasting and impressive contribution” to the world of entertainment. She got a plaque and a boilermaker for her work.
Before saying goodnight, Dave asks Charlene, “How do you get your legs so shiny?” Dave then lifts his pant leg and compares his own leg to hers. Yup, hers is much shinier than Dave’s.
Her new film, Sleepwalking, opens Friday in selected cities.
ACT 4:
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is in trouble after being linked to a prostitution ring. Earlier today he resigned, but he’s here tonight to answer your questions. We welcome, Eliot Spitzer. Gerard Mulligan, as Eliot Spitzer, enters. Mr. Mulligan stumbles on his way in. Dave asks if he is OK. Spitzer says, “It’s just a metaphor of my life.” ASK ELIOT SPITZER 1. “Are you ashamed?” – Andrew Harrigan, Huntington, New York
Spitzer: “According to those whores, I got nuthin’ to be ashamed of.”
2. “What will you do to make amends to your loved ones?” – Theresa Collins, Miami, Florida.
Spitzer: “All I can do is say I’m deeply sorry for what I’ve done, and beg for their forgiveness. That’s why I’d like to apologize to my wonderful wife Silda.” (shot of Spitzer’s wife in our audience.)
“And to my mistress, Diane.” (shot of woman in audience)
“And to my girlfriend, Katie.” (shot of woman in audience)
“And to my other girlfriend, Marlene.” (shot of woman in audience)
“And to her twin sisters Erica and Stacy, both of whom I am also nailing.” (shot of women twins in audience)
“I’m deeply sorry.”
3. “What do you have to say to those you’ve hurt?” – James Larson, Des Moines, Iowa.
Spitzer: “I’d like to once again apologize to my family for failing to fulfill my obligations as a husband and father and the citizens of the great state of New York for violating their trust. Also, I’d like to apologize to Mistress Claudia for always being such a naughty, dirty little boy.”
4. “How many times did you hire prostitutes from Emperor’s Club V.I.P.? – Robert Randall, Dallas, Texas.
Spitzer: “That’s something I’d rather not discuss.” Alan Kalter interrupts: “Excuse me, Dave. While we’re on this taboo subject, I’d like to take a moment to remind our viewers that Kalterworld.com is the place for the very latest adult novelties and toys. And the best part is, our services are completely legal and 100% confidential. Whatever you’re into . . . . erotic chat, edible underpants, trampoline . . . you name it. Kalterworld.com is the place.
Thanks, Dave.
5. “Do you think you should have resigned immediately?” – Rich Anderson, San Francisco, California
Spitzer: “Obviously, it’s a tough decision. I’m not the only person on this state who doesn’t know when to hang it up.”
6. “Can anything good come from this sordid scandal? – Anthony Hackett, Doylestown, Pennsylvania.
Spitzer: “Absolutely. This prostitution scandal is great publicity for my new snack food . . . (holds up box) . . . . Spitz Crackers. Remember, everything’s better when it sits on a Spitz! That’s what she said! Hiyoooooo!”
Spitzer exits: “That’s my time. Watch ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians.’ Picture Britney Spears with a giant ass. It’s reality TV Gold!”
ACT 5: Announce: “Thursday on the Late Show, Dave is joined by actress Kate Beckinsale, and musician Graham Colton. This is the show YOU were born to see!
We’ll be right back.”
ACT 6: LEWIS BLACK
What’s he think about the Spitzer thing? An incredulous Lewis Black says, “$4,300 . . . . for what more?” He wonders what more a woman can do to justify a price of $4,300. Does it include an erotic monkey? For that price, Lewis says you should also get a couch.
How about the campaign? Lewis says he is exhausted from the ordeal. And why not? It’s been going on since 1977. A little known fact about the presidential campaign: the candidates spent a year in Iowa prepping for the opening caucus, a whole year! And since then, one-third of the Iowan population has killed themselves.
Over the holidays, Lewis visited our troops with the U.S.O. Included in the trip were Robin Williams, Lance Armstrong, and Kid Rock; 13 shows in 7 countries in 6 days. The soldiers were excited for them to be there and Black says he was even more excited than them. He praises our military for doing a great job under extremely difficult conditions. So impressed is he with our military that he suggests a military coup might be a good thing. Other countries have done it. Maybe it’s a good thing.
He has a new show on the Comedy Central, entitled, “Lewis Black’s Root of All Evil.” Dave asks about the title, particularly the word “evil.” Lewis says “Evil” is a provocative word and he hopes it fools people to watch the show. The program is loosely based on a courtroom. Comedians play the part of the lawyers and they debate topics such as, “Which is more evil, Oprah or the Catholic Church?” An uneasy Dave says, “Ooooh, that’ll get you in trouble with . . . . Oprah.”
“Lewis Black’s Root of All Evil” – on Comedy Central, Wednesday nights at 10:30. It sounds . . . provocative.
ACT 7 BRITISH SEA POWER: From the new album, “Do You Like Rock Music?”, British Sea Power performed “No Lucifer.”
And that was our show for Wednesday March 12, 2008.
Here’s something that probably makes no sense and will once again shine a light on my political ignorance; once elected, politicians must drop their party affiliation. When elected, a politician can no longer be referred to as a Republican or a Democrat; he can only be referred to as someone “for the people.” For instance, when seated in the Capitol, Democrats sit on one side, Republicans on the other. This creates an “us vs. them, Republicans vs. Democrats” mentality. They should be mixed together to make it look like they are working together for the good of the country; not for the good of their Party. I know it would still be Pretend-ville, but let the people at home think their politicians are there for them and not for their Party.
That’s one of my new talking points: Politicians are more loyal to their Party than to their country. I’m going to keep saying it till it’s picked up by something bigger than the Wahoo Gazette, sort of like how I’ve been pushing:
“You know, if Hillary ran for Senator from her home state of Illinois instead of elbowing her way in to New York, she wouldn’t be bothered by the pesky Barack Obama right now.”
I was leafing through a fashion magazine the other day and I noticed that wearing the latest styles certainly doesn’t make a person happy. The models looked to be the sickest and saddest people on earth. It looked as if it took every ounce of energy for those depressed twenty-somethings to pose in front of the camera.
I wonder how many politicians would take steroids if it would help them win an election.
My good friend Martin “Buddy” McDonough is getting his head shaved for St. Baldrick’s Day to raise money for cancer research. Ouch. And he’s got a good head of hair! It’s not as if I got my head shaved; that would be no big deal. I’m halfway there anyway. Maybe next year I’ll do it. I think it’s time.
Good luck, Martin. If I weren’t bald, I’d tip my hat to you.
How . . . . why . . . . why does Eliot Spitzer expect some kind of deal? What’s he got on his side, in his corner, that he can deal? It seems he doesn’t have any cards at all.
“I’ll tell you what, I’ll resign if you drop the whole thing.”
No. You’re losing your job anyway.
You wouldn’t expect a dentist not to brush.
You wouldn’t expect a hairdresser to have a mullet.
You shouldn’t expect your Governor and former Attorney General to commit a felony.
All week I’ve been looking at March 12 as a date in which something special happened, but nothing came to mind. I usually like to put some kind of "This Date In History" on the LATE SHOW script cover. But I couldn’t place March 12th. And then during the day, it came to me . . . sort of. When I thought of it, I said to myself, “That CAN’T be what was swimming around in my brain all week, can it?” So what big event happened on March 12th? Don Giller was born. It’s his birthday today. Happy Birthday, Donz.
Good Lord . . . My life is getting smaller and smaller.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Travelers Rest, South Carolina, it’s Dan Brinkman.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
Mikemack@aol.com
Charlize Theron; Lewis Black; and British Sea Power. PLUS: Drugs in Our Tap Water; Something New from Apple; Vatican Sin Update; More Ugliness from Spitzer; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a Top Ten List; and Ask Eliot Spitzer.
“. . . . and now, president and CEO of Emperor’s Club V.I.P. . . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
Monologue Joke, regarding Eliot Spitzer's payment for a prostitute: “$5,000 and a hotel suite! Senator Larry Craig said, ‘That’s crazy. For 2 quarters I can have a pay toilet all night.”
Do they still have pay toilets? I remember them from when I was just a kid but I thought they legally had to do away with them.
Happy news. Dave’s boy Harry went to a birthday party today. Dave got a phone call later. Harry won at Simon Says! Congratulations, Harry. It’s something they can never take away.
An investigation report has revealed that New York’s water supply is contaminated with traces of medication, but fortunately, there is a bright side. Take a look. Announce:"A recent investigation found that New York's water supply contains trace amounts of at least 15 pharmaceutical drugs, including: amoxicillin; tetracycline; and Viagra. Viagra: The fuel that keeps the Spitzer spitzin'."
There are reports of iPods shooting sparks when recharging. Well, the people at Apple were quick to react. They are geniuses over there. Dave holds up their newest product:
The iLighter. It’s an iPod . . . and a lighter! Now you can sit back and enjoy your favorite song while puffing.
Earlier this week, the Vatican updated its list of sinful behavior. We take a look at the announcement. Announce:"By decree of Pope Benedict the 16th, the following shall be considered new violations of God's law: circumventing basic rights of human nature through genetic
manipulation; the use of drugs that weaken the mind and cloud intelligence; the imbalance between the rich and the poor; and skipping Lobsterfest at Red Lobster. It only happens once a year. Don't miss it! Tell 'em Benedict sent you to receive a complimentary order of garlic shrimp scampi.
This has been a Vatican Sin Update."
“So if things don’t go his way in life, maybe a career in Simon Says . . . . .”
I like when Dave refers back to something without a hint.
The details in the Eliot Spitzer scandal keeps getting uglier and uglier. Dave found this revelation particularly disturbing. Announce:"In their investigation of the Eliot Spitzer scandal, law enforcement officials found that the Emperors Club escort service called Spitzer by the code name 'Client 9.' But according to the escorts who actually slept with him, he's more of a 'Client 4 1/2,' if you know what I'm saying. Eliot Spitzer: America's favorite whore fiend."
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES.
We see our President at a podium. To his left is the German Chancellor Angela Merkel. We hear the German language being spoken. We see our President giggling at the sound of a foreign language. Bush mimics, “Ham-bur-jere.”
Watching Bush giggling and bobbing his shoulders reminded me of comedian Brian Regan on stage.
ACT 2: TOP TEN: Surprises During Eliot Spitzer’s Resignation – earlier today, the 54th Governor of New York State, Eliot Spitzer, resigned. #9. Opening line: “Are you a cop?” #7. Reaffirmed his policy of “Bro’s before Ho’s” #2. Said he thought the Emperor’s Club was a Chinese restaurant.
CHARLIZE THERON: Yowza! Quite the sight is Ms. Theron. And I’m glad she forgot the other half of her dress!
Congratulations are in order. Charlize, born in South Africa, recently became a United States citizen. She had to take the citizenship test and says she studied and studied to pass it. Dave says, “You should have just showed up in that dress.” Charlize did very well on the test but was thrown at the end when she was asked, “Can you write this sentence . . . . ‘It is a sunny day.’” All of a sudden she panicked. What was obviously a simple task became difficult. She wasn’t ready for it and over-thought it. She eventually collected herself and wrote out the sentence perfectly. My guess is the Bureau hopes to catch a terrorist when he or she mistakenly writes it out, “It is a Sunni day.”
And last month she was honored as Harvard’s Hasty Pudding Woman of the Year. It is given annually to performers who have made a “lasting and impressive contribution” to the world of entertainment. She got a plaque and a boilermaker for her work.
Before saying goodnight, Dave asks Charlene, “How do you get your legs so shiny?” Dave then lifts his pant leg and compares his own leg to hers. Yup, hers is much shinier than Dave’s.
Her new film, Sleepwalking, opens Friday in selected cities.
ACT 4:
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer is in trouble after being linked to a prostitution ring. Earlier today he resigned, but he’s here tonight to answer your questions. We welcome, Eliot Spitzer. Gerard Mulligan, as Eliot Spitzer, enters. Mr. Mulligan stumbles on his way in. Dave asks if he is OK. Spitzer says, “It’s just a metaphor of my life.” ASK ELIOT SPITZER 1. “Are you ashamed?” – Andrew Harrigan, Huntington, New York
Spitzer: “According to those whores, I got nuthin’ to be ashamed of.”
2. “What will you do to make amends to your loved ones?” – Theresa Collins, Miami, Florida.
Spitzer: “All I can do is say I’m deeply sorry for what I’ve done, and beg for their forgiveness. That’s why I’d like to apologize to my wonderful wife Silda.” (shot of Spitzer’s wife in our audience.)
“And to my mistress, Diane.” (shot of woman in audience)
“And to my girlfriend, Katie.” (shot of woman in audience)
“And to my other girlfriend, Marlene.” (shot of woman in audience)
“And to her twin sisters Erica and Stacy, both of whom I am also nailing.” (shot of women twins in audience)
“I’m deeply sorry.”
3. “What do you have to say to those you’ve hurt?” – James Larson, Des Moines, Iowa.
Spitzer: “I’d like to once again apologize to my family for failing to fulfill my obligations as a husband and father and the citizens of the great state of New York for violating their trust. Also, I’d like to apologize to Mistress Claudia for always being such a naughty, dirty little boy.”
4. “How many times did you hire prostitutes from Emperor’s Club V.I.P.? – Robert Randall, Dallas, Texas.
Spitzer: “That’s something I’d rather not discuss.” Alan Kalter interrupts: “Excuse me, Dave. While we’re on this taboo subject, I’d like to take a moment to remind our viewers that Kalterworld.com is the place for the very latest adult novelties and toys. And the best part is, our services are completely legal and 100% confidential. Whatever you’re into . . . . erotic chat, edible underpants, trampoline . . . you name it. Kalterworld.com is the place.
Thanks, Dave.
5. “Do you think you should have resigned immediately?” – Rich Anderson, San Francisco, California
Spitzer: “Obviously, it’s a tough decision. I’m not the only person on this state who doesn’t know when to hang it up.”
6. “Can anything good come from this sordid scandal? – Anthony Hackett, Doylestown, Pennsylvania.
Spitzer: “Absolutely. This prostitution scandal is great publicity for my new snack food . . . (holds up box) . . . . Spitz Crackers. Remember, everything’s better when it sits on a Spitz! That’s what she said! Hiyoooooo!”
Spitzer exits: “That’s my time. Watch ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians.’ Picture Britney Spears with a giant ass. It’s reality TV Gold!”
ACT 5: Announce: “Thursday on the Late Show, Dave is joined by actress Kate Beckinsale, and musician Graham Colton. This is the show YOU were born to see!
We’ll be right back.”
ACT 6: LEWIS BLACK
What’s he think about the Spitzer thing? An incredulous Lewis Black says, “$4,300 . . . . for what more?” He wonders what more a woman can do to justify a price of $4,300. Does it include an erotic monkey? For that price, Lewis says you should also get a couch.
How about the campaign? Lewis says he is exhausted from the ordeal. And why not? It’s been going on since 1977. A little known fact about the presidential campaign: the candidates spent a year in Iowa prepping for the opening caucus, a whole year! And since then, one-third of the Iowan population has killed themselves.
Over the holidays, Lewis visited our troops with the U.S.O. Included in the trip were Robin Williams, Lance Armstrong, and Kid Rock; 13 shows in 7 countries in 6 days. The soldiers were excited for them to be there and Black says he was even more excited than them. He praises our military for doing a great job under extremely difficult conditions. So impressed is he with our military that he suggests a military coup might be a good thing. Other countries have done it. Maybe it’s a good thing.
He has a new show on the Comedy Central, entitled, “Lewis Black’s Root of All Evil.” Dave asks about the title, particularly the word “evil.” Lewis says “Evil” is a provocative word and he hopes it fools people to watch the show. The program is loosely based on a courtroom. Comedians play the part of the lawyers and they debate topics such as, “Which is more evil, Oprah or the Catholic Church?” An uneasy Dave says, “Ooooh, that’ll get you in trouble with . . . . Oprah.”
“Lewis Black’s Root of All Evil” – on Comedy Central, Wednesday nights at 10:30. It sounds . . . provocative.
ACT 7 BRITISH SEA POWER: From the new album, “Do You Like Rock Music?”, British Sea Power performed “No Lucifer.”
And that was our show for Wednesday March 12, 2008.
Here’s something that probably makes no sense and will once again shine a light on my political ignorance; once elected, politicians must drop their party affiliation. When elected, a politician can no longer be referred to as a Republican or a Democrat; he can only be referred to as someone “for the people.” For instance, when seated in the Capitol, Democrats sit on one side, Republicans on the other. This creates an “us vs. them, Republicans vs. Democrats” mentality. They should be mixed together to make it look like they are working together for the good of the country; not for the good of their Party. I know it would still be Pretend-ville, but let the people at home think their politicians are there for them and not for their Party.
That’s one of my new talking points: Politicians are more loyal to their Party than to their country. I’m going to keep saying it till it’s picked up by something bigger than the Wahoo Gazette, sort of like how I’ve been pushing:
“You know, if Hillary ran for Senator from her home state of Illinois instead of elbowing her way in to New York, she wouldn’t be bothered by the pesky Barack Obama right now.”
I was leafing through a fashion magazine the other day and I noticed that wearing the latest styles certainly doesn’t make a person happy. The models looked to be the sickest and saddest people on earth. It looked as if it took every ounce of energy for those depressed twenty-somethings to pose in front of the camera.
I wonder how many politicians would take steroids if it would help them win an election.
My good friend Martin “Buddy” McDonough is getting his head shaved for St. Baldrick’s Day to raise money for cancer research. Ouch. And he’s got a good head of hair! It’s not as if I got my head shaved; that would be no big deal. I’m halfway there anyway. Maybe next year I’ll do it. I think it’s time.
Good luck, Martin. If I weren’t bald, I’d tip my hat to you.
How . . . . why . . . . why does Eliot Spitzer expect some kind of deal? What’s he got on his side, in his corner, that he can deal? It seems he doesn’t have any cards at all.
“I’ll tell you what, I’ll resign if you drop the whole thing.”
No. You’re losing your job anyway.
You wouldn’t expect a dentist not to brush.
You wouldn’t expect a hairdresser to have a mullet.
You shouldn’t expect your Governor and former Attorney General to commit a felony.
All week I’ve been looking at March 12 as a date in which something special happened, but nothing came to mind. I usually like to put some kind of "This Date In History" on the LATE SHOW script cover. But I couldn’t place March 12th. And then during the day, it came to me . . . sort of. When I thought of it, I said to myself, “That CAN’T be what was swimming around in my brain all week, can it?” So what big event happened on March 12th? Don Giller was born. It’s his birthday today. Happy Birthday, Donz.
Good Lord . . . My life is getting smaller and smaller.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Travelers Rest, South Carolina, it’s Dan Brinkman.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
Mikemack@aol.com
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • Drugs In NYC Tap Water • iPod Lighter • Vatican's Updated List of Sins • Eliot Spitzer: Client 9 is Really 4 1/2 • Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
ACT 2 • Top Ten Surprises During Eliot Spitzer's Resignation Read now
