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WAHOO GAZETTE LATE SHOW staffer Mike McIntee gives you a daily show summary and the behind-the-scenes lowdown with his daily Wahoo Gazette. So much juicy inside information that you'll say "Wahoo!"
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
PLUS:A Phone Call From Governor Spitzer; the Democratic Primaries; a Channel 11 Weather Update; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a Top Ten List; and the Late Show Prize Giveaway.
“. . . . and now, America’s 39th President . . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
Dave tells a monologue joke about New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. An hour or two before the taping of the show, word came that Spitzer was caught up in an embarrassing prostitution ring. Many in the audience likely hadn’t heard the news, but they laughed anyway.
Phone call for Mr. Letterman. Phone call for Mr. Letterman. On the phone is newly disgraced New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. Dave picks up the phone and greets Governor Spitzer. Spitzer: “Hi, everybody! It’s me, the Love Gov. I just want everyone to know that everything’s just fine and I look forward to continuing to whore it up in Albany.”
Dave has a follow-up question but the Love Gov has already hung up.
Spitzer? The guy sounded more like McGreevy.
There’s a movement to redo the Democratic primary voting in Florida and Michigan because the primaries didn’t assign delegates. Dave saw this interesting reaction. Announce: “In order to properly assign delegates, some Democrats want to restage the Florida and Michigan primaries. If we’re going to redo elections, how about all fifty states hold the 2004 Presidential election again. (video clip of the President spitting)
A message from everyone.”
It’s time now for a “Channel 11 Weather Update.” We see recent footage of a television weather report. The reporter out in the street is describing the snowfall and the road conditions. He says, “ . . . the flakes have begun to stick to the ass**** . . . . uh . . . uh. . . the asphalt.” (his word, not mine.)
Suddenly, the camera dips. It dips low so we can only see Dave from the chest down. What’s going on? Dave thinks he knows what happening. He sees the cameraman Dave Dorsett putting on his jacket and leaving. Dave the host says Dave the cameraman, “Oh, I know what’s going on. You forgot to set your clock ahead this weekend and you think the show is over. Dorsett, halfway to the exit, stops and says to Dave the host, “No, I’m just tired of listening to your bull-‘djoy.’” Dorsett exits.
And if you want to get technical about it, if Dorsett forgot to set his clock ahead he would be late in arriving and not early in leaving . . . I think.
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
- Bush: “No border’s been withdrawn . . . in that sense . . . stretch. It’s uhh. . . . it’s . . . . uhh . . . . Kosovo’s uhh . . . . you know, Kosovo itself . . .”
ACT 2: TOP TEN: Eliot Spitzer Excuses
What happened to Governor Spitzer. Dave recalls how he ran on the tough-against-crime platform of “Beat ‘em up, arrest ‘em, and beat ‘em up again.” He would claim, “I hate illegal things, and now he’s partying it up with whores.”
TOP TEN: Eliot Spitzer Excuses. #7. “Have you ever been to Albany?” #3. “Whether it’s a hooker or your wife, you’re always paying for it . . . . you married fellas know what I’m talking about.”
Ivy Leaguer Eliot Spitzer --- sounds like another book-smart guy with no common sense.
JIM CARREY: Dave introduces Jim Carrey but Jim is no where to be found. We wait . . . and wait . . . but no Jim. Dave goes to explore. He heads out the guest entrance and out to 53rd Street. There Dave finds Jim Carrey in white robe and slippers signing photos and giving autographs to the throng of fans. Dave calls him in. Jim explains that this changing-of-the-clock thing has got him all screwed up. He didn’t realize he was late until just a while ago when he was getting a massage at a spa. He immediately went flaccid then hurried over to the theater. He quickly gets dressed behind the guest chairs with the help of his valet. While dressing, Jim asks Dave to hold his gun for safekeeping.
Jim apologizes again and admits to being ignorant about Daylight Saving Time. Except for a few farmers and a couple Indians, nobody knows why we have it. Jim then does an impersonation of a Native-American, or it may have been doing an impersonation of Robin Williams doing a Native-American, only funnier.
Why does Jim need to carry a weapon? He says it’s to keep away the paparazzi. They really go too far sometimes. Jim shows a photo from a recent US magazine of Jim’s gingivitis mouth. He has no idea how the magazine got that photo. He suspects his dentist may have been involved.
And then on that TMZ show, they had a clip of Jim. He really has no idea how they got this clip. It was a videotape of Jim Carrey’s colon. And what’s really frightening is Jim says he’s never had a colonoscopy. They somehow got the footage while he was in the parking lot of Whole Foods. Jim has had to resort to having a body double decoy so throw the paparazzi off track. Jim invites his double, Dolph, on stage to take a bow.
So what’s Jim been up to? Jim shares a few anecdotes which are obviously “stolen” from other celebrities. He tells a Seinfeld CD package story. He tells a Don Rickles/Frank Sinatra story with himself as Rickles. He then makes the terrible mistake of putting himself in a Dave story. Carrey’s life has nothing to offer. He‘s not all that interesting.
Jim Carrey voice in the new Dr. Seuss’s Horton Hears A Who film which opens this Friday. Jim plays the elephant.
ACT 4: LATE SHOW PRIZE GIVEAWAY: Everyone in our audience tonight has the chance to win one of three great prizes: a 50-inch LCD TV; a PlayStation 3; or $1,000. Pat Farmer stands by the Prize Wheel and gives it a spin. On which prize will the wheel stop? It spins and spins and spins and then begins to slow down. And then just as it slows to a near stop, it changes direction and spins the other way. It continues to spin and actually picks up speed. Due to the malfunction with the Wheel, there will be no winners tonight. The Wheel will have to go back to the shop.
ACT 5:
Tuesday on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Martha Stewart, and Snoop Dogg. Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg? This one’s going to be off the hezzy!
We’ll be right back.”
ACT 6: PAULA ABDUL: One of the judges on the incredibly popular American Idol. Does Paula still get excited to do the American Idol? Paula sighs and says no. The thrill is gone. Just punching the clock these days. It’s all a dull routine.
Paula is back recording with he new single, “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow” featured on the “Randy Jackson’s Music Club Volume 1” CD.
Jim Carrey complained about the paparazzi. How have they been with Paula? She says she was using a public restroom recently and while she was doing her business, she senses something odd. She looked up and saw someone hanging over the side of the stall snapping a photograph. (Larry Craig?) The woman said, “I’m sorry, I’m a big fan. I just wanted to take a picture.” Paula convinced the woman to have the photo deleted. And Paula had a recent visit to her gynecologist. She left a urine sample, which was then stolen. The gynecologist threatened everyone in the office if it was not returned. Finally, a lady stepped forward and said to Paula, “I’m sorry, but my son is your biggest fan.” Yikes. American Idol on FOX – Tuesdays at 8:00; Wednesdays at 9:00. I’m rooting for the Janis Joplin chick.
And that was our show for Monday, March 10, 2008.
And we’re back. I was greeted this morning to a computer that took 35 minutes to boot and 3 copiers out of order. An hour into the morning and I was ready for a vacation.
On second thought . . . I spent most of the week off painting. Vacations have changed from when I was younger. Now I’m usually as pale at the end of vacation as I was at the beginning. So what did I paint in a week? The whole house? No, just a room and a staircase. I’m not sure why or how it took 5 days but somehow it did. It’s as if I was working hourly.
Our governor, Elliott Spitzer, has been implicated in a prostitution ring. What’s he think this is, New Jersey? (I wrote that before Dave said something similar during today’s show. I “Played the Dave” and won.)
In his “Oops” statement yesterday, Governor Spitzer labeled his indiscretion as a private matter. Sorry, Spitz, but as a pubic servant . . . I mean, as a public servant and former Attorney General, your involvement in the events that are about to be revealed are not a private matter.
On the radio this morning, I heard one pundit state the reaction from state politicians fall within party lines. And that’s just not right. One’s reactions to Spitzer’s behavior should have nothing to do with a political party. And if it does, then you reveal yourself as more loyal to your party than you are to the people of New York State. And that’s a memo.
How’s this for a coincidence . . . . the Governor was heard on the wiretap asking the call-girl how much for “The Spitzer!”
You’re probably aware of the Hillary campaign commercial where the phone to the White House rings at 3:00 AM. She asks the question of who would you want to answer that phone . . . . . the answer, of course, is someone with experience. McCain or Barack should copy that very commercial and point out that if either of them are elected President and the phone rings at the White House at 3:00 AM, it won’t have to ring 6 times before someone picks it up! I’m surprised no one has come up with this yet.
I had a very nice Sunday in Pearl River, New York enjoying the St. Patrick’s Day Parade. Following the parade, many of us headed over to the Gilbride’s house for their annual post-parade party. There we told the same stories we told last year and the year before that. Lots of fun and laughter. Nice job once again, Tommy and Barbara.
Denise and I went out to dinner over the vacation and the topic of tipping came up. For years it seemed like 15% was the common tipping scale. Now I hear it’s inched up to 20%, probably because it’s easier to calculate . . . . 10% of the bill, then double it. I used to double the tax, 8%, to calculate my tip. But then I mentioned to Denise the tip should be based on the bill-total before tax. She disagreed, saying the tip is supposed to be for the entire bill, tax included. Which is it? Waiters and waitresses need not respond.
I gotta go. I need to play 871 in the daily number.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
4th grade teacher at the Anthony Wayne School in South Philly -- Mr. Norman Tenor.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
Mikemack@aol.com
Jim Carrey and Paula Abdul.
PLUS:A Phone Call From Governor Spitzer; the Democratic Primaries; a Channel 11 Weather Update; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a Top Ten List; and the Late Show Prize Giveaway.
“. . . . and now, America’s 39th President . . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1:
Dave tells a monologue joke about New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. An hour or two before the taping of the show, word came that Spitzer was caught up in an embarrassing prostitution ring. Many in the audience likely hadn’t heard the news, but they laughed anyway.
Phone call for Mr. Letterman. Phone call for Mr. Letterman. On the phone is newly disgraced New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. Dave picks up the phone and greets Governor Spitzer. Spitzer: “Hi, everybody! It’s me, the Love Gov. I just want everyone to know that everything’s just fine and I look forward to continuing to whore it up in Albany.”
Dave has a follow-up question but the Love Gov has already hung up.
Spitzer? The guy sounded more like McGreevy.
There’s a movement to redo the Democratic primary voting in Florida and Michigan because the primaries didn’t assign delegates. Dave saw this interesting reaction. Announce: “In order to properly assign delegates, some Democrats want to restage the Florida and Michigan primaries. If we’re going to redo elections, how about all fifty states hold the 2004 Presidential election again. (video clip of the President spitting)
A message from everyone.”
It’s time now for a “Channel 11 Weather Update.” We see recent footage of a television weather report. The reporter out in the street is describing the snowfall and the road conditions. He says, “ . . . the flakes have begun to stick to the ass**** . . . . uh . . . uh. . . the asphalt.” (his word, not mine.)
Suddenly, the camera dips. It dips low so we can only see Dave from the chest down. What’s going on? Dave thinks he knows what happening. He sees the cameraman Dave Dorsett putting on his jacket and leaving. Dave the host says Dave the cameraman, “Oh, I know what’s going on. You forgot to set your clock ahead this weekend and you think the show is over. Dorsett, halfway to the exit, stops and says to Dave the host, “No, I’m just tired of listening to your bull-‘djoy.’” Dorsett exits.
And if you want to get technical about it, if Dorsett forgot to set his clock ahead he would be late in arriving and not early in leaving . . . I think.
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
- Bush: “No border’s been withdrawn . . . in that sense . . . stretch. It’s uhh. . . . it’s . . . . uhh . . . . Kosovo’s uhh . . . . you know, Kosovo itself . . .”
ACT 2: TOP TEN: Eliot Spitzer Excuses
What happened to Governor Spitzer. Dave recalls how he ran on the tough-against-crime platform of “Beat ‘em up, arrest ‘em, and beat ‘em up again.” He would claim, “I hate illegal things, and now he’s partying it up with whores.”
TOP TEN: Eliot Spitzer Excuses. #7. “Have you ever been to Albany?” #3. “Whether it’s a hooker or your wife, you’re always paying for it . . . . you married fellas know what I’m talking about.”
Ivy Leaguer Eliot Spitzer --- sounds like another book-smart guy with no common sense.
JIM CARREY: Dave introduces Jim Carrey but Jim is no where to be found. We wait . . . and wait . . . but no Jim. Dave goes to explore. He heads out the guest entrance and out to 53rd Street. There Dave finds Jim Carrey in white robe and slippers signing photos and giving autographs to the throng of fans. Dave calls him in. Jim explains that this changing-of-the-clock thing has got him all screwed up. He didn’t realize he was late until just a while ago when he was getting a massage at a spa. He immediately went flaccid then hurried over to the theater. He quickly gets dressed behind the guest chairs with the help of his valet. While dressing, Jim asks Dave to hold his gun for safekeeping.
Jim apologizes again and admits to being ignorant about Daylight Saving Time. Except for a few farmers and a couple Indians, nobody knows why we have it. Jim then does an impersonation of a Native-American, or it may have been doing an impersonation of Robin Williams doing a Native-American, only funnier.
Why does Jim need to carry a weapon? He says it’s to keep away the paparazzi. They really go too far sometimes. Jim shows a photo from a recent US magazine of Jim’s gingivitis mouth. He has no idea how the magazine got that photo. He suspects his dentist may have been involved.
And then on that TMZ show, they had a clip of Jim. He really has no idea how they got this clip. It was a videotape of Jim Carrey’s colon. And what’s really frightening is Jim says he’s never had a colonoscopy. They somehow got the footage while he was in the parking lot of Whole Foods. Jim has had to resort to having a body double decoy so throw the paparazzi off track. Jim invites his double, Dolph, on stage to take a bow.
So what’s Jim been up to? Jim shares a few anecdotes which are obviously “stolen” from other celebrities. He tells a Seinfeld CD package story. He tells a Don Rickles/Frank Sinatra story with himself as Rickles. He then makes the terrible mistake of putting himself in a Dave story. Carrey’s life has nothing to offer. He‘s not all that interesting.
Jim Carrey voice in the new Dr. Seuss’s Horton Hears A Who film which opens this Friday. Jim plays the elephant.
ACT 4: LATE SHOW PRIZE GIVEAWAY: Everyone in our audience tonight has the chance to win one of three great prizes: a 50-inch LCD TV; a PlayStation 3; or $1,000. Pat Farmer stands by the Prize Wheel and gives it a spin. On which prize will the wheel stop? It spins and spins and spins and then begins to slow down. And then just as it slows to a near stop, it changes direction and spins the other way. It continues to spin and actually picks up speed. Due to the malfunction with the Wheel, there will be no winners tonight. The Wheel will have to go back to the shop.
ACT 5:
Tuesday on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Martha Stewart, and Snoop Dogg. Martha Stewart and Snoop Dogg? This one’s going to be off the hezzy!
We’ll be right back.”
ACT 6: PAULA ABDUL: One of the judges on the incredibly popular American Idol. Does Paula still get excited to do the American Idol? Paula sighs and says no. The thrill is gone. Just punching the clock these days. It’s all a dull routine.
Paula is back recording with he new single, “Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow” featured on the “Randy Jackson’s Music Club Volume 1” CD.
Jim Carrey complained about the paparazzi. How have they been with Paula? She says she was using a public restroom recently and while she was doing her business, she senses something odd. She looked up and saw someone hanging over the side of the stall snapping a photograph. (Larry Craig?) The woman said, “I’m sorry, I’m a big fan. I just wanted to take a picture.” Paula convinced the woman to have the photo deleted. And Paula had a recent visit to her gynecologist. She left a urine sample, which was then stolen. The gynecologist threatened everyone in the office if it was not returned. Finally, a lady stepped forward and said to Paula, “I’m sorry, but my son is your biggest fan.” Yikes. American Idol on FOX – Tuesdays at 8:00; Wednesdays at 9:00. I’m rooting for the Janis Joplin chick.
And that was our show for Monday, March 10, 2008.
And we’re back. I was greeted this morning to a computer that took 35 minutes to boot and 3 copiers out of order. An hour into the morning and I was ready for a vacation.
On second thought . . . I spent most of the week off painting. Vacations have changed from when I was younger. Now I’m usually as pale at the end of vacation as I was at the beginning. So what did I paint in a week? The whole house? No, just a room and a staircase. I’m not sure why or how it took 5 days but somehow it did. It’s as if I was working hourly.
Our governor, Elliott Spitzer, has been implicated in a prostitution ring. What’s he think this is, New Jersey? (I wrote that before Dave said something similar during today’s show. I “Played the Dave” and won.)
In his “Oops” statement yesterday, Governor Spitzer labeled his indiscretion as a private matter. Sorry, Spitz, but as a pubic servant . . . I mean, as a public servant and former Attorney General, your involvement in the events that are about to be revealed are not a private matter.
On the radio this morning, I heard one pundit state the reaction from state politicians fall within party lines. And that’s just not right. One’s reactions to Spitzer’s behavior should have nothing to do with a political party. And if it does, then you reveal yourself as more loyal to your party than you are to the people of New York State. And that’s a memo.
How’s this for a coincidence . . . . the Governor was heard on the wiretap asking the call-girl how much for “The Spitzer!”
You’re probably aware of the Hillary campaign commercial where the phone to the White House rings at 3:00 AM. She asks the question of who would you want to answer that phone . . . . . the answer, of course, is someone with experience. McCain or Barack should copy that very commercial and point out that if either of them are elected President and the phone rings at the White House at 3:00 AM, it won’t have to ring 6 times before someone picks it up! I’m surprised no one has come up with this yet.
I had a very nice Sunday in Pearl River, New York enjoying the St. Patrick’s Day Parade. Following the parade, many of us headed over to the Gilbride’s house for their annual post-parade party. There we told the same stories we told last year and the year before that. Lots of fun and laughter. Nice job once again, Tommy and Barbara.
Denise and I went out to dinner over the vacation and the topic of tipping came up. For years it seemed like 15% was the common tipping scale. Now I hear it’s inched up to 20%, probably because it’s easier to calculate . . . . 10% of the bill, then double it. I used to double the tax, 8%, to calculate my tip. But then I mentioned to Denise the tip should be based on the bill-total before tax. She disagreed, saying the tip is supposed to be for the entire bill, tax included. Which is it? Waiters and waitresses need not respond.
I gotta go. I need to play 871 in the daily number.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
4th grade teacher at the Anthony Wayne School in South Philly -- Mr. Norman Tenor.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Michael Z. McIntee
Mikemack@aol.com
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • Phone Call from Eliot Spitzer • Democratic Primary Redo • Channel 11 Weather Update • Cameraman Dave Dorsett Walks Off • Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
