" . . . and now, self-made chick magnet . . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1:
During the pre-show Q&A, Dave suffered a terrible accident; some would say it was intentional. Someone threw the microphone at him and hit him on the femur. Who doesn't want to implicate anyone on the crew, but he thinks he knows the guilty culprit. One good thing, though, it wasn't bleeding.

I missed the ACT 1. I was backstage waiting for a cue.

The United States Department of Agriculture ordered the recall of 143 million pounds of frozen beef. Officials said it was the largest beef recall in the United States. Dave is not surprised. Earlier today he sent out an intern to find some meat with taint and this is what was found.
Dave holds up a package of ground beef. Embedded in the ground beef is a pocket comb. The beef people were just begging to get caught.

Dave receives a note. Someone on the phone? No. The note informs Dave that we have footage of his being attacked by the microphone during the pre-show Q&A. We take a look. We see Dave swinging the microphone like Tony DiFranco of the DiFranco Family and it hits him right on the shin. That smarts. I see no crew member involved.

Today is Presidents' Day and to commemorate the occasion, we've prepared a Presidential Minute.
Announce:

"In 1814, President James Madison came down with consumption, rendering him temporarily unable to fulfill his duties. Due to a little-known provision of the Constitution that was later remedied, the presidency went to his dog, Rusty, who able served as Commander in Chief for nearly three months.
This has been a Presidential Minute."

Dave throws a blue card through the window behind him and we hear the lovely melody from the Cramps, entitled, "The Crusher," which opened with a growl, followed by "Do the Hammerlock." I liked the song. Lyrics below.

The much anticipated trailer for "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" was just released. From the looks of things, this is one sequel that is sure to please fans.
Announce:
"He protected the power of the divine."
"He saved the cradle of civilization."
"He triumphed over the armies of evil."
"Now Indiana Jones faces his toughest task yet; finding the centuries-old skull that holds the key to our very existence."
Inside a mysterious Indiana Jones box, appears the image of Larry King: "Albany, you're on the air."
"'Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.' Coming soon."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
Bush: "Ummmm . . . . . step 1 . . . . I guess you gotta . . . . uhhhh . . . ."

ACT 2: SMALL TOWN NEWS
The Post-Tribune (Merrilville, Indiana): "Affordable hearing aid centers. Free can of Pork and Beans with purchase of any hearing aid."
The Star Tribune (Minneapolis, Minnesota): "Police Report. A strong smell of natural gas was reported. The caller said the smell was possibly from the stove, or could have been caused by the dog."
The Daily Telegram (Adrian, Michigan): "Antique bevel glass mirror. $150 or best offer. If wife answers, hang up and call back." -- Dave then re-created the probable scenario, in a woman's voice: "Honey, what happened to our antique mirror?"
The Brownsburg Week (Brownsburg, Indiana): "Guess the weight of the rock and win a free burial plot." --- Dave: "They put the 'FUN' in funeral."
The Lyons News (Lyons, Kansas): "For sale; size 4 new wedding gown. Bride moved next door with neighbor man."
The Des Moines Register (Des Moines, Iowa): "Olds 1999 Intrigue. Totally uncool parents who obviously don't love teenage son, selling his car. Only driven for three weeks before snoopy mom who needs to get a life found booze under front seat."
The Baxter County Bulletin (Mountain Home, Arkansas): "Boat or wife must go. Boat is an 18.5 foot Skeeter Bass Boat, garage housed entire life and in supreme condition. Wife not as impressive."
The News-Star (Monroe, Louisiana): "A West Monroe man was arrested. Deputies received complaints that he was flashing his genitals to a group of young women. Deputies contacted May, and he told them his genitals 'fell out' of his pants after he forgot to zip them." Dave - "I wish I had a nickel every time this happened to me." Then adds, "Guys, am I right about that?"

And that's the news in the small towns.

ACT 3:
I usually do the guest recaps the following morning when I get to work.
Unfortunately, my typewriter was being serviced and I couldn't get to the computer. Dennis Quaid and Ryan Newman will be quick.

DENNIS QUAID: Dennis is the dad to brand new twins; a baby girl and a baby boy. Any photos? Dennis has them loaded up on his iPhone. We take a look. Ooops, that's a photo of his dog! Dave exclaims, "She looks like you!" We then see the photos of the adorable twins, Thomas and Zoe. Soon after they were born, though, they had a horrific experience when the twins were given too much of a medication which resulted in the twins being place in intensive care for 11 days. I read about it when it happened and can't imagine what he and his wife must have gone through. But all is fine now and the children are the picture of health.
From one crisis to another, Dennis's son turned 15 and is learning how to drive. Yipes. My twin girls are 12 and are 3-and-a-half years away from hopping behind the wheel. Dave asks Dennis, "How's that going?" Dennis sighs and says, "How do you think that is?"
I haven't given much thought of my girls driving yet, but I know it's right around the corner. At first I thought of getting them a used mini-Cooper, but now I'm thinking a huge Hummer might be better. When I bought my Honda Civic 5 years ago, I told the girls, "Here it is, girls, your first car!" They complained that it would be 10 years old when they learned how to drive they didn't want a 10-year-old car as their first car. They said something about a convertible. I remember all I wanted for a car was one that stopped, started, and turned.
Dennis Quaid's new film, "Vantage Point" opens Friday.

ACT 4:
And now, in honor of Presidents' Day, it's time for a visit from Johnny Lincoln.
Scrim rise. Johnny Lincoln stands and speaks.
JOHNNY LINCOLN: "Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. But I tell you, things are tough. My doctor told me I have six months to live. I told him I couldn't pay my bill so he gave me another six months."
(SFX: Ah-ooh-gah horn)
"I've got the worst doctor. I said, 'Doc, my leg hurts. What can I do?' He said, 'Limp.'
(SFX: cow moo)
"But I tell you, my wife is a piece of work. She spent three hours at the beauty shop, and that was just for the estimate."
(SFX: boiiiing)
"My wife got a mudpack and looked great for two days . . . then the mud fell off."
(SFX: slide whistle)
"My wife and I keep our marriage strong by going out for a nice dinner twice a week. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
(SFX: police siren)
"I'm not her first husband, though. My wife has been married so many times, she has rice marks on her face."
(SFX: donkey "hee haw")
"My son is also married, and he and his wife are a fastidious couple. She's fast, and he's hideous."
(SFX: two gun shots - Johnny Lincoln gets spooked by the shots in the theater and quickly decides to make an exit.)
"Good night, America." He exits.

ACT 5:
Announce: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, join Dave as he welcomes American Idol's Randy Jackson, from the film, 'The Bank Job,' Saffron Burrows, and musician Ray Davies. Hey, America, don't forget to join us on Thursday for Steve Martin! It's going to be a hoot.
We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
RYAN NEWMAN: The 2008 Daytona 500 Champion. He was in the midst of an 81-race winless streak before winning the Daytona 500. He overtook Tony Stewart on the final lap, with a little help from his teammate Kurt Busch. Kurt could have chanced it and tried for the win himself, but by sacrificing his self and pushing Newman's car, it got Newman past Tony Stewart for the win. And it was the first win at Daytona for team owner Roger Penske. Penske has had a lot of success at Indianapolis, but this was a first for him in the most prestigious race in NASCAR in 23 years.
Ryan felt especially happy for his dad who works with him as a Spotter. Ryan's dad is in radio communication with Ryan during the race and looks out for trouble on the track that Ryan may not see. Ryan could tell that dad got very emotional at the end of the race.
500 miles is a long way. Dave's nightly drive is maybe 50 miles and he's found himself nodding off now and then. Has that ever happened to Ryan during a race? Much to Dave's surprise, Ryan says it almost happened once. Yikes.
And at the end of the race, the winner usually puts on a show by doing burn-outs and doughnuts. We see a photo of the car's interior filled with smoke from the burn-out and making it difficult to breathe. He admits it was kind of embarrassing but I can understand. It's his first win in 81 races.

ACT 7:
SHARON JONES AND THE DAP-KINGS - From their new album, "100 Days, 100 Nights," Sharon Jones and the Dap-Kings performed "100 Days, 100 Nights." I liked the 60s feel and sound to it. I'll be giving this record a spin at home.

And that was our show for Monday, February 18, 2008.



I've started a new tradition at my house. My brother-in-law John Quinn of Smithtown, Long Island is a big NASCAR fan. Every year just as the Daytona 500 is about to start, I'll phone him just "to chat." I laugh, picturing him yelling at my sister as she offers the phone, "What!! Are you crazy? The race is about to start!" I enjoy the innocent skullduggery.

And the day before the Daytona, my brother Jack bought me a Ryan Newman shirt. How about that? He doesn't know much about NASCAR either, but he knew enough to buy a Ryan Newman shirt. How did he know Newman would win? He didn't; he just liked the color. And that's good enough for me.

I'm trying not to like NASCAR but with each race I watch I find I'm liking it more and more. Why do I fight it? Because I don't want to tie up my Spring and Summer Sunday's watching NASCAR on the TV. Last year I was sneaking a peak here and there to see who was winning. As the year progressed, my peaks were becoming longer and longer. Now I'm making deals with myself . . . . like, I'll watch NASCAR until baseball Opening Day, but I'm afraid by April I'll be hooked on my new hero, #12 Ryan Newman.

On this Presidents' Day, I like to think about this:
If George W. Bush chose Dan Quayle as his running mate like his dad, George would be considered the smart one on the ticket.

Did any of you watch the NBA All-Star game Sunday night? Following the 45-minute introductions, it took me10 seconds to make my first complaint; the uniforms. The East team had blue jerseys on the front, but the back of the jersey was white. For the West, their jersey was white in the front and an ugly gold on the back. I immediately realized that there would be times while watching the game that you would see 8 or 9 guys in white jerseys playing against one guy with a colored jersey. It was so stupid! With a guy from the West facing the camera guarding a guy from the East whose back is to the camera, it would look like they were on the same team. And then other times you would see players with white jerseys, blue jerseys, and gold jersey. It looked like 3 teams were playing. Stupid! And there is some high-paid NBA official who decided that this visual mess would make for fine TV. I knew it was a mistake before they even took the court. Who made that decision? Not only was it stupid, the uniforms were ugly! Multi-color basketball uniforms never work. As for the game itself, it took about 10 minutes before anyone hit an outside shot. I'm not sure which team made the basket, but the guy was wearing a white uniform. I don't remember if it was the front or the back that was white.
Final Score, NBA All-Star game: East 134; West 128. Still, I saw better defense Sunday night than I do at a Knick game.

Years ago I would play a sport, get banged up pretty good, and tell myself I would probably feel some pain the next day. Now I can do nothing but watch TV all day and wake up the next morning with a sore ankle. I can barely walk today and I have no idea why.

Cramps
(Bob Nolan)
Album: Psychedelic Jungle

Rrrrape!

Do the Hammerlock
A-do the Hammerlock
A-do the Hammerlock you turkey necks, rawrr
Do the Hammerlock
A-do the Hammerlock you turkey necks
Everybody's doin' it
Rowwwrrr!

Do the Eye Gouge
Do the Eye Gouge
Now do the Eye Gouge you turkey necks
Now do the Eye Gouge, rawwrr
Do the Eye Gouge you turkey necks
Everybody's doin' it
Rowwwrrr!

Alright you turkey necks!
I'm wanna teach you how to do the Crusher!
And if you don't learn it now
I'm gonna getchya in the ring
Rowwrr!

Now first ya take your fist
And ya put it on your waist
And then ya squeeze your partner's head
Until she's blue in the face!
Rowwwrrr!
Yeah do the Crusha

Do the Crusha
Do the Crusha
Do the Crusher you turkey necks, rowr
Do the Crusher
Do the Crusher you turkey necks
Everybody's doin' it
Wowwwrrr!