" . . . and now, a man who tells time using the sun . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1:
If you watched last night, you saw the unveiling of the cover of the 2008 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue on a giant billboard on Broadway between 53rd and 54th. Dave asks if we can take another look at the lovely image. Through the snow we see the beautiful Marisa Miller in something akin to a bathing suit looking down at us. But then Dave notices something near the bottom of the billboard. Someone is standing on the platform. We zoom in and Dave discovers it is our very own building engineer, George Clarke. Dave asks, "George, what the hell are you doing up there?" George: "Just trying to get a better look, Dave."

Can't really blame him. And Marisa is on our show tonight. And not only do we have the cover model for the 2008 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, but we also have the cover model for "Mustache Aficionado" magazine. Dave holds up the magazine. It's me on the cover! We find me in the green room. Dave says hello and I wave back with a hello. Wow! What a night. Who knew when I grew my mustache in January of 1977 that it would get me on TV?!
When the camera came on me in the green room, I think I said, "Hi, Dave" and "Thanks." I was scripted to say, "My pleasure, Dave" but I don't think I got the right cue line from Dave. But if I said, "Thanks," then I think I could have used "My pleasure." I fell asleep last night before I could observe my work so I don't know if I could have used the line as scripted or not.

It's been freezing cold in these parts lately. In fact, the blast of frigid temperatures prompted Al Gore to publish a brand new book: "Everything I Said About Global Warming Is A Load of Crap." It features a photo of a miserable Al Gore on the cover in a wool hat, scarf, and ear muffs.

This just in . . . . Dave is receiving a message in his fake ear piece . . . . We have a LIVE satellite feed . . . . of Michael Jackson . . . . he just witnessed a bank robbery. We go LIVE to California to hear what Michael Jackson has to say.
We see Michael Jackson describing the robbery he just saw. He looks strikingly like Carol Channing.

GREAT MOMENT IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
The President says something about trying to help others. I think that's what he was trying to say.

ACT 2:
VALENTINE'S DAY CARDS - Valentine's Day is Thursday. Better get busy.
-1 billion Valentine's Day cards are exchanged each year.
-Hallmark has over 1,330 specific Valentine's Day cards
-Teachers receive the most Valentine's Day cards.
I love you even though you're named 'Mitt'
You'll do until people can have sex with robots
I bought this care with a dead guy's social security check
You're beautiful when you're asleep, neighbor
I enjoyed having anonymous sex with you in the Minneapolis Airport Men's room
I'm sorry I called you a 'dirty whore' on "Maury"
When I say I want to go to a romantic restaurant, I don't mean a place which sells popcorn shrimp
I think I love you, but it might be the vicodin talking
Valentine, I knew you were mine when you didn't laugh at my 'deal'
I don't like the way your pet raccoon stares at us when we've having sex
How much longer 'til death do us part?
Our love grows very year, kind of like your ass.

ACT 3:
In Dave's left hand he has tonight's TOP TEN list.
Alan announce: "Tonight's Top Ten list is sponsored by Horsey-Dipe Large Animal Diapers, America's premier horse diaper manufacturer.
Every day, millions and millions of American horses wear Horsey-Dipe Large Animal Diapers keeping their surroundings clean and sanitary, with a modern attractive look! Comfort, convenience, and style for horses and their owners. That's Horsey-Dipe Large Animal Diapers.
Back to you, Dave!"
In the last scene of sponsorship was the graphic, "Also available for donkeys and zebras." I jokingly suggested it should read, "Also available for asses and zebras." Get it? Huh, get it?

TOP TEN: Things Abraham Lincoln Would Say If He Were Alive Today
- 199 years ago today, our 16th President Abraham Lincoln was born. Which reminds Dave of a date he had in high school. Her name was Becky. Everyone called her 'Lincoln' because everyone would take a shot at her in the balcony."
#10. "This guy is hilarious, but seriously, who's your President?"
#3. "What's with the freakishly short hats?"

EVANGELINE LILLY: From ABC's "Lost." They tape "Lost" in Hawaii. So what did Evangeline do during the strike? She says she got off the island as quickly as possible. She says she suffered from Island Fever. Too much time in Hawaii and you feel isolated and trapped and all you want to do is get off. Hmmm, I don't think I'd mind a bit of the Island Fever right now. She planned a trip to China to get away. All was set, but she learned at the airport that she needed a Visitor's Visa to go to China. Ooops. With no place to go but with bags packed, she opened up a world map and opted for a trip to Japan.
That's happened to me, too. I remember one time I went to the A&P supermarket but I forgot my A&P discount card, so I went to Shop Rite instead.
Evangeline's from Canada and is used to everyone loving them, so a Visitor's Visa never occurred to her. While in Japan, she learned a few Japanese phrases, such as "You're welcome." It sounded like "Mustache." I immediately sense a "call back" but none was coming. How was Japan? She described the nightlife as lackluster, much like Hawaii. She would search out a place to dance and swing, but couldn't find any. All she could find was a part of town that catered to male escorts called Golden Guy. So . . .. what was her complaint? Sounds like a lot of fun to me, if you're into that sort of thing.
And before coming to the show, Evangeline suffered from some sort of eye ailment. We have a photo of her eye when it is fine, and an accompanying photo of her eye blood red. Yeeech. It looks like she had TOO MUCH nightlife.
Dave then asks about "Lost", "Did they ever get that hatch open?" Evangeline laughs and asks, "When are you going to start watching it, Dave?" I guess the question made it obvious that Dave never watched the show. It seemed like a perfectly fine question to me.
"Lost" - Thursdays at 9:00 on ABC.

ACT 4:
Senator John McCain addressed the Conservative Political Action Conference last week. People were expecting the Senator to receive less than a warm reception, and judging by this footage of the conference, they were right on the money.
We cut to a tape of the pie fight from "Blazing Saddles." It then goes to static and come back up on Tom Catusi, the Late Show videotape operator.

TOM CATUSI: "Hi, folks, I'm Late Show videotape operator Tom Catusi. Instead of playing a clip from John McCain's appearance at CPAC, I accidentally played a clip from the 1974 film, 'Blazing Saddles.' I know it look like we were making a joke, but it was an honest mistake. A mistake I could've avoided if my mental faculties hadn't been ruined from years of sitting in a windowless, poorly-ventilated room in the basement. Take it from me, kids. Stay in school. That's from your friendly neighborhood TomCat."
Freeze.
Alan announce: "This message has been brought to you by the National Council of Churches. Now back to you, Dingis."

ACT 5:
Announce: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave is joined by funnyman Martin Short. Who know? Maybe he'll sing a special musical number.
And from the film 'Gone Baby Gone,' actress Amy Ryan. If you're going to watch one Late Show tomorrow night, make sure it's this one.
We'll be right back.

ACT 6:
MARISA MILLER: Va va va voom! She's the cover model for the 2008 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue. And what was most exciting to me was her name is easy to pronounce! No need to go over it with Dave to get the exact pronunciation. It's simply said as it's spelled.
Marisa's been in the swimsuit issue for 7 consecutive years and has finally made it onto the cover. Receiving such an honor is kept hush-hush right up to the last second. How did Marisa find out? She only found out yesterday afternoon when she was called in to a meeting with a client. When she entered the room, WHAM! Champagne, flowers, photographers . . . . it was all a very big deal. It's as big a deal as one can get in the modeling world.
In some of the photos, Marisa wears nothing but a painted-on bikini. (fingerpaint, or by brush?) Body painting is very weird. You need to be completely shaved. HELLO! By that she means every bit of peach fuzz on her body has to be removed before the paint goes on. And as soon as the shoot was over, clouds rolled in and it was about to rain. She had to quickly run back inside since she did not know if the paint would wash off or not. If the shoot had to be put off a day, she was going to have to sleep in her painted bathing suit. I think Dave was barely listening at this point as he flipped through the pages of the Sports Illustrated mag.
Marisa was in last year's Swimsuit issue and wore nothing but an iPod. The iPod covered her not so private privates, and she daintily covered her northern exposure with folded arms. Makes me want to go out and buy an iPod . . . especially that one.

My idea that didn't get on: A "nude" Dave centerfold with a huge boom box covering his privates. Now that I think of it, I'm sort of glad the idea wasn't advanced.

ACT 7:
BRAD PAISLEY: From his current CD, "5th Gear," Grammy Award-winning Brad Paisley performed "Mr. Policeman." Now that's how you play instruments.

And that was our show for Tuesday, February 12, 2008.



The Writers Strike is over. I think both parties simply wanted to make it a nice round 100 days.

Dang it. Two days talking about the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue and not once did Dave mention Cheryl Tiegs. It cost me $5. I bet that he would say her name. No dice.

I'm driving to work this morning and on the radio is more talk of the Roger Clemens steroid story. Ugghhh. I decide to slip in a Springsteen tape. After one song, I decide to go with something else. I rummage around my glove compartment and put on a cassette tape of the Mills Brothers. And then I thought I may be the only person in America who likes to play Springsteen and then the Mills Brothers back-to-back.
"Incident on 57th Street" is great, but to tell you the truth, it was "Glow Worm" that really got me bopping in my Honda Civic.

Tuesday night we had an icy snow storm and Wednesday morning the local school kids had a two-hour delay before going to school. Instead of catching the bus at 7:00 AM, they got it at 9:00 AM. Do you get 2-hour delays? When I was a kid, we never got a two-hour delay. It was either school or no school. My guess is it's the school's plan to keep the Easter vacation at its max. It's just a gimmick. I mean, if I could sit in a school bus as it slowly rotates 360 degrees down Grand Street on an icy February morning in 1966, then my kids can too. And if I can sit in a school bus while the back end hangs over a cliff on Old Phillips Hill Road on an icy January morning in 1965, then my kids can too! It makes 'em tough!

Happy Birthday, Mr. Lincoln. You are 9 score and 19 years old today.
Here now are some words of wisdom from Ol' Abe.

"Whenever I hear any one arguing for slavery I feel a strong impulse to see it tried on him personally."
"Those who deny freedom to others, deserve it not for themselves; and, under a just God, can not long retain it."
"Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them."
"With malice toward none, with charity for all, with firmness in the right as God gives us to see the right, let us strive on to finish the work we are in; to bind up the nation's wounds; to care for him who shall have borne the battle, and for his widow and his orphan - to do all which may achieve and cherish a just and lasting peace, among ourselves, and with all nations."
"Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal."
"I have never studied the art of paying compliments to women; but I must say that if all that has been said by orators and poets since the creation of the world in praise of women were applied to the women of America, it would not do them justice for their conduct during this war. I will close by saying, God bless the women of America!"
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt."
"What is conservatism? Is it not adherence to the old and tried, against the new and untried?"
"Force is all-conquering, but its victories are short-lived."
"If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee."
"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues."
"When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run."
"You cannot escape the responsibility of tomorrow by evading it today."
"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time."

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Russell Stover
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER