" . . . and now, one-stop shopping for all your plumbing needs . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Monologue joke: "Super Tuesday. I voted in a school. It was early. I was a little groggy. I pulled a lever and a Snickers bar comes out."
I like this joke. Dave tells it every year. And I know exactly what he means when he says a Snickers bar comes out. The sound the lever makes when you open and close the curtain in the voting booth sounds exactly like the sound the old vending machine would make when you yanked on the knob. Whenever Dave tells this joke, I think of the old vending machines at EJ Korvettes in Nanuet, New York. I wonder if the kids today get that joke.

And I liked the joke about Mitt Romney: "He looks like a guy who has a crease in his jeans."
I really hate ironed blue jeans with a crease. Blue jeans are a symbol of rebellious non-conformity. They are not meant to be ironed. I remember how angry I was when Peter Fonda, Mr. Easy Rider was on the show with creased blue jeans. If you're going to wear ironed pants, wear Dockers.

Dave is still reveling over the Super Bowl. He says all over the city, people were screaming and cheering in their apartments. And Patriots Coach Belichick, instead of being a sportsman, was a taciturn, monosyllabic grump. The Patriots team, though, graciously released this announcement earlier today.
Announce:

"The New England Patriots would like to congratulate the New York Giants on a hard-fought Super Bowl victory. While we are disappointed that we were not able to achieve perfection, that our quarterback was relentlessly pummeled throughout the game, and that this team will not go down in history as the greatest ever, we would like to remind our fans that there is no reason to feel sorry for Tom Brady. He's still Bundchening his brains out. A Message from the New England Patriots."

One of the most important states for the Republican candidates to perform well in yesterday was California. CBS News declared John McCain the winner late last night. We listen to that announcement.
Announcer: "With 92% of precincts reporting, here are the unofficial results of the 2008 California primary.
John McCain has received 925,693 votes.
Mitt Romney has received 737,976 votes.
Mike Huckabee has received 251,464 votes.
And Ron Paul has received one vote . . . from this guy. (photo of an old bald guy smoking)
This has been a CBS Super Tuesday Update."

On the show tonight is Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning, brother of Colts quarterback Peyton Manning. This is not known by many, but Dave also has a brother Eli, and he too hosts his own show. We see a clip.
We see Dave in a mustache with a hot gal in a tight red dress standing next to him. Announcer: "Que Pasa, USA!" - graphics/music
ELI LETTERMAN: "Hi, everybody, I'm Eli Letterman and this is 'Que Pasa USA!'" Graphics/music
ELI LETTERMAN: "Here, of course, is my co-host, Serafina.
SERAFINA: sexually leers to camera
ELI LETTERMAN: "Serafina, what did you do this weekend?"
SERAFINA: "Coochie, coochie!"
Applause - bell rings - a pinata lowers and two kids run in with bats to batter the piñata. Tony Mendez walks out with a goat and starts screaming at the kids in Spanish.
Fade out.
Dave sighs, "We thought the goat would save the piece."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
Bush: "Uhhh. . . . the uhh. . . . .. uhhh . . . . step one . . . . heh heh heh. . . "

ACT 2:
TOP TEN: Signs John McCain Is Getting Cocky
#5. Recently told voter, "Keep that ugly ass baby away from me."
#4. Now refers to Mike Hucakbee as "Mike Suckabee"

ELI MANNING - intro, with clip - "At Super Bowl XLII, our first guest led his team to victory against the undefeated New England Patriots in one of the biggest upsets in NFL history. From your world champion New York Giants, here's Super Bowl MVP Eli Manning!"
The boyish Eli enters to a long standing ovation. When the applause subsides, Dave says, "And the nice thing is you'll be getting that response the rest of your life." Dave tells Eli how thrilling a game it was on Sunday and how much fun he had watching it. Dave uses the word "Nice" a few times during the interview and tells Eli, "I can't thank you enough." It really was nice . . . . for us, at least. It was a really nice story. A seemingly really good kid, up against all odds, up against doubters and nay sayers, overcoming the obstacles to win the biggest game of the year and doing it in heroic fashion. It made for a great story. The little brother who was always looked upon as the little brother ends up climbing the biggest mountain to become champion of the world. You can't help but feel happy for the guy . . . that is if you're not from New England or San Diego, I guess. And to see the big bad guy, Coach Bill Belichick, run away after the game was over made it all that much nicer. As I was watching the interview, I realized Dave was talking for about 2 minutes before Eli could say anything. Dave was telling Eli how great the game was and how much he enjoyed it and all Eli could do was say, "Yeah" and "Thanks" and smile a lot.

Dave recaps the Tampa Bay game, the Cowboy game and the Green Bay with input from Eli. Eli was very good here. When asked who was tougher, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers or the Dallas Cowboys, Eli thought . . . and answered as if he heard me yelling, "Say 'Cowboys'! Say 'Cowboys'!" I wanted Eli to say the Cowboys because the Giants play them twice a year and I didn't want to rile them up more than necessary for next year. Eli thought just a moment and said, "The Dallas Cowboys" and explains they were the tougher team and points out that the Cowboys had defeated the Giants twice during the year.

Dave says with the writers on strike for November and December, it gave Dave a lot of time to sit around doing nothing but listening to the sports talk on the radio. Dave says the callers like to voice their opinion. And their opinion of Eli wasn't that good for awhile. Eli was aware of that. And yet he always kept his composure and always remained steady. And it ended up this past Sunday with a perfectly thrown ball to Plaxico Burress for the go-ahead touchdown with 40 seconds left in the game. Dave says it was a perfect pass, a very pretty ball. Eli adds, "A spiral . . . that's rare for me."

What did Eli think about Patriot's Coach Belichick leaving early before the game was over? Eli says, "Trying to beat the traffic, I guess." Dave gets a good laugh out of that.

Dave repeats what a thrill it was to watch the game on Sunday and what a thrill it was watching Eli's brother Peyton last year win the Super Bowl. Eli says it must have been extra special for Dave since Peyton plays for Dave's hometown. Dave says New York is his hometown now.

ACT 3:
Dave is still smiling over what Eli Manning did last Sunday. He exclaims, "What kid doesn't want to do that?" It is a dream. It certainly is a dream. And what a family, the Mannings. Dave runs down the crew:
There's big brother Cooper.
There's Peyton, Super Bowl MVP last year for the Colts.
Eli Manning, Super Bowl MVP this year for the Giants.
There's Archie Manning, the dad, who had a stellar career with the New Orleans Saints.
And there's the mom, Lillian Manning. Not many know that in the 70's, she was drafted by the Houston Oilers . . . played special teams for them.

VINCE VAUGHN: Uh oh, I've run out of time. Vince has a new film coming out on Friday, "Vince Vaughn's Wild West Comedy Show: 30 Shows in 30 Days - Hollywood to the Heartland." Vince produced and stars in the film. It was inspired by the comedy shows he's hosted and organized for benefits and openings of friends' bars and various other occasions. He decided to take a group of comedian on the road for 30 days to do 30 shows. Transportation: by bus. It sounds very grueling, but Vince says the bus was a deluxe 45-footer. It was pretty nice. In the other bus were the film crew and sound guys. That bus was like a rolling prison. The film takes a look at what it's like making a living by telling jokes and going from city to city in hopes of making it big. The human stories behind the comedy acts were quite compelling. Many of the comedians went into the business against the wishes of their family. Some would go years without talking to their parents over it. It's a life we don't realize when we see them standing on stage making us laugh.
Vince then talks about an After School Special he did back in 1989 or so. It dealt with steroid abuse, a movie way ahead of its time. We see a clip of the young Vince trying to steer a friend off the path of steroids. It was funny to see how much has changed in 20 years. And 20 years from now, we'll be laughing at what we think is "cool" right now. "Vince Vaugnh's Wild West Comedy Show: 30 Shows in 30 Days - Hollywood to the Heartland." It opens Friday

ACT 5:
Announce: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, Kate Hudson, and from the Columbus Zoo, 'Jungle' Jack Hanna. Will a falcon peck Dave's eyes out? Tune in tomorrow, only on the Late Show. We'll be right back."

ACT 7:
A FINE FRENZY: From her CD, "One Cell In The Sea," A Fine Frenzy, also known as Alison, performed "Come On, Come Out."

And that was our show for Wednesday, February 6, 2008.



During the season, I was asked if I felt comfortable with Eli Manning as quarterback for my team, 0-0 in the first quarter. I said I felt more comfortable with Eli Manning down by 6 late in the 4th quarter. Eli has done it many times for the Giants. He can look bad for 3-and-a-half quarters, then look great during the winning drive with 2 minutes left in the game. He's great when the pressure is on and the clock is running. His drive right before the half against the Cowboys won that playoff game, and his drive against the Patriots last Sunday with 2 minutes left won the Super Bowl. He doesn't make it easy on the fans, but he does make it very exciting.

I had a friend in the audience tonight. Whenever I have a friend at the theater to watch the show, I always do the same thing. Beforehand, I'll walk up to Eddie Brill and tell him I have a friend in the audience. Then I'll say, "Sometime during one of the commercial breaks I'm going to come up to you and say something in your ear. I want you to start laughing real hard." And then after the show, my friend will want to know what I said that was so funny. I'll pretend I was so busy that I don't remember.
I should have friends come to the show more often. It reminds me how lucky I am to work here.

February 6, 2002 - Do you know where you were that day? It was the very first installment of Will It Float. Oh, and one of the guests on that show, February 6, 2002 . . . . . Adam Vinatieri . . . . the Super Bowl hero for the New England Patriots who kicked a last-second field goal to win the game.
Will It Float Item: Velveeta Cheese. This is how I reported it on that day 6 years ago. Little did I know at the time that it would become part of our culture.

"WILL IT FLOAT?" Something new to the Late Show - "Will It Float?" We have a see-through tank filled with water, we will drop an object into the water, but not before Paul and Dave guess whether the object will float or not.
Tonight's object? A brick of Velveeta Cheese. Lovely Andrea and Nadine release the Velveeta Cheese into the tank. Did it sink or did it float? It's all about the Archimedes' Principle - an object will float in water if the weight of the object is equal to the weight of the water displaced by the object. If the weight of the object is greater than the weight of the water displaced, the object will sink. By now you probably realize the Velveeta Cheese sank.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From New City, New York and longtime Giants fans, it's Richard and Kathy Farber.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER