" . . . and now, smoke-cured meat . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
At the top of the show, Dave received a blue card message; something to do with a pre-show Q&A. Dave looks to our executive director, "Is it ready?" He is given the thumbs up, but is not at all eager to show it. For the good of the show, Dave allows it to be shown. It's a clip of Dave as a weatherman, sometime back in B.C. Dave is not proud of his appearance, likening his haircut to Prince Valiant.
A bit later he asks for another quick 3-second clip of his being a weatherman when he looked no more than 14.

Are you folks excited about the Super Bowl this weekend? All week we've been counting down the most memorable moments in Super Bowl history. We take a look at Memorable Moment #19.
Announcer:

"Super Bowl IX. Late in the third quarter, 'Mean' Joe Greene stomped on Fran Tarkenton's nuts. This has been another 'Memorable Super Bowl Moment.'"

The phone? Someone is on the phone? Oh, no. I know who it is. It's that guy from CHiPs. If you haven't seen the show for the past few weeks, you've probably heard talk about it around the water cooler at work. There's this guy who claims to be a member of the California Highway Patrol. He goes by the name Len Easton. Whenever Dave gets a phone call on the show, it's this guy Easton transmitting a police radio call . . . and we have to suffer through it. I don't know what to do about it. I'd refuse to pick up the phone, that's what I would do.
But Dave isn't the only one who is getting harassed like this. Dave was watching the CNBC earlier in the day and heard Easton call in to the Suze Orman Show. He's spreading his annoying influence to other shows. Where will it end?

John Edwards dropped out of the Presidential race. We watch the official announcement.
Announcer:

"After much deliberation, John Edwards has decided that it is time to drop out of the 2008 presidential race. Despite this setback, John will continue to be a tireless advocate for working families, using his warm gentle smile, unmistakable Southern charm, soft, firm hands and piercing blue eyes that make the tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand up. . . . . . oh, man . . .. I think I'm gay."

A guy appears behind Dave. He "pssssts" to get Dave's attention. Dave turns and the shifty guy holds up two tickets to Sunday's Super Bowl. Dave waves him off and says, "No, thanks."
The guy persists. "Psssst, Dude!" Dave turns. The guy whispers, "Five yard line." Dave knows the five yard line will be a great place to see the Giants offense this week and decides to reach into his wallet to pick up the two ducats from the scalper. As the exchange is about to be made, the shady character suddenly shouts "Heat!" as he notices the cops about to bust up the scene. He quickly runs away.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
It's Bush having a hard time with the English language.

Yes, that was me as the ticket scalper. The hardest thing for me to do in that piece was to remember to call Dave "Dude" and not "Dave." To make it easier for myself, instead of saying, "Yo, Dude," I opened with "Dude" and said, "Dude . . . yo, dude.

ACT 2:
We find Dave sitting in a living room setting. He is making a sales pitch for a Valentine's Day sweetheart getaway.
"Hi, I'm Dave Letterman. Looking for a romantic hideaway to take that special someone this Valentine's Day? Look no farther than Chateau Paradise. Nestled high in the Berkshires, Chateau Paradise is the ideal vacation destination. Nothing says romance like our heart-shaped swimming pools, self-heating, vibrating mattresses, and our champagne glass Jacuzzis. Plus, when you get hungry, you'll love our all-you-can-eat buffet complete with a do-it-yourself Korean barbecue
That's not all. You'll be blown away by our above-ground tennis courts, and our AMGA-certified hiking trails designed by renowned hiking enthusiast, Chet Wankler. Call now to make your reservation. And leave off the last "E" for extra fun.

Alan announce: "Chateau Paradise: Romance at an affordable price. What are you waiting for? Back to you, Underpants."

TOP TEN: THINGS OVERHEARD AT DICK CHENEY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY
Yesterday, January 30th, Dick Cheney celebrated his 67th birthday. He's had 4 heart attacks.
#8. "He must be happy; he's sneering from ear to ear."
#3. "Instead of a pinata, we're gonna beat a Gitmo inmate."
#2. (since it was blocked out) "The Secretary of Homeland Security just raised my blood alcohol level from "blotto" to "'djoy'-faced."

ACT 3:
STUPID HUMAN TRICKS
1. DAMON WARREN OF VENICE BEACH, CALIFORNIA
Damon is an artist from Venice Beach who paints landscapes
Trick: Damon inhales his upper lips through his nose.
Damon takes a healthy inhale and up goes his upper lip to his nostrils. The best part of this was imagining every viewer at home trying it themselves 3 seconds later.

2. SCOTT JACOBSON OF MCCLEANSVILLE, NORTH CAROLINA
Scott is a 6th grader. Nice kid.
Scott can impersonate a police siren.
Scott does his siren splendidly. Dave asks if he can do an ambulance siren or a fire engine siren? Scott shyly says, "No, that's all I can do." I laughed at his honesty and realized by just being able to do a police siren is a lot more than a lot of us can do.

3. KYLE CAMPBELL AND DUNCAN STEPHENS OF DUBUQUE, IOWA: Kyle is a sophomore at Marquette University majoring in Biomechanical Engineering. Duncan is a sophomore at Truman State University majoring in Business.
Trick: Kyle will fit his entire 6'3" frame into a small duffle bag. Duncan will assist.
No way. But Kyle gets in the duffle, bends at the knees, bends at the waist, and bends his head way down. Duncan then zips up the duffel bag and walks him off. Nice job. I'd like to see Kamar do that.
As Duncan carries Kyle off, Dave wonders if we had to pay for two flights to get them here. Couldn't Kyle be picked up at the baggage claim?

And that was Stupid Human Tricks.

ACT 4:
Before Dave can introduce Eva Longoria Parker, that guy again creeps in behind Dave. He "Dudes" Dave to get his attention. Dave turns and mutters, "Oh, this guy again."
Guy: "Dude, check it out."
The guy pulls out a videotape.
Guy: "It's you as a weatherman."
Dave eagerly gets up to pay for the valued item but before the exchange can take place, the ne're-do-well notices cops approaching and yells "Heat!" as he flees to safety.

EVA LONGORIA PARKER: From ABC's "Desperate Housewives" and the new film, "Over Her Dead Body."
Since she was last here, Eva was married to NBA All-Star and Championship MVP for the San Antonio Spurs, Tony Parker in July. It was a beautiful wedding in Paris with a reception which included an evening cruise down the Seine. Somehow, a wedding crasher got on board. . . . accidentally. The woman wedding crasher thought she was getting on a tour boat and was looking for the $9.99 buffet. The Paris police arrived by boat and she was politely shown the way out. The cruise down the Seine never even stopped.
A wedding in Paris with an even cruise down the Seine. It sounds like a wedding I went to once, but it took place at the Volunteer Fire House.
Since the WGA Strike began, putting a halt to the taping of the "Desperate Housewives," Eva has been traveling with the Spurs to watch all their games.
And now that she's married to Tony Parker, Eva makes her home in San Antonio. She asks Dave if he has ever been to Texas. Dave says he was recently in Austin. Eva asks, "Do you hunt?"
Dave: "Yes. Primarily the big cats."
Eva comes from a hunting family. She was raised in Texas and that pretty much goes with the territory. For the Christmas family dinner, her dad would go out and hunt for a pig. That sounds like a wedding I went to once. It took place at the Volunteer Fire House.
Dave asks Eva, "When hunting, what kind of things would you . . . bag?" Eva never did bag anything, but would go out for deer and quail.
Did Dave ever shoot? Dave says he's gone to the local shooting range downtown and came away very impressed with the power of a gun. Dave says he likes to go bird hunting every autumn but just use blanks . . . "That way, you can drink all you want."

Eva's new film, "Over Her Dead Body" opens Friday (tonight) at a theater near you.

ACT 5:
Alan announce: "Guests of the Late Show stay at the Monte Carlo Resort and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. (shot of the Vegas resort on fire) Enjoy the professionalism of our impeccable service staff, the best in contemporary entertainment, and world-class gaming. The Monte Carlo Hotel Resort and Casino. Come Play With Us."

ACT 6:
It's time for another installment of "Late Show Technical Maintenance Minute"
Scrim rise. We find 3 Late Show technical maintenance engineers seated.
GARY: "Christmas has come early this ear for the Late Show's Technical Maintenance Department. We've recently purchased a state-of-the-art Digidesign D-Control console and upgraded from Pro Tools 6.3.1 to Pro Tools 7.4 CS2."
STEVE: "It truly is amazing, Gary. With 6 touch-sensitive, multi-purpose rotary encoders per channel strip, up to 80 physical faders via optional 16-channel Fader Modules, and a 48-bit precision mix bus, providing nearly 300 decibels of internal dynamic range, we are now able to mix and master projects with utmost precision.
BRAD: "I couldn't have said it better myself, Steve. And don't forget how easily we can now incorporate additional audio, MIDI, and video interfaces as well as synchronization and pre-amplification options. We'll never surround pan, bank/nudge and digitally interface the same ever again."
GARY: "That's right, Brad. You could say the new D-control console from Digidesign is digitastic! Well, that's all the time we have for today. Remember, as we say in technical maintenance . . . ."
STEVE/BRAD/GARY: ". . . if ain't broke if we can fix it."

Across the country, Technical Maintenance Engineers were howling.

ACT 7:
COLBIE CAILLAT: From her new CD, "Coco," Colbie Caillat performed "Realize."

And that was our show for Thursday, January 31, 2008.



If there is one thing I've learned when appearing in a piece for the Late Show, especially when it is going to be LIVE, is I cannot rehearse enough. At the very beginning many years ago, I would be quite nervous in front of the camera. And then after awhile I became comfortable. Comfortable is a bad thing when it comes to . . . . almost anything. For me, when I become comfortable I sometimes don't take the time to go over the finer details of what I need to do. I learned the hard way that comfortable is not good. I end up being unprepared. Now when I am asked to do something, I go over it and over it . . . and then over it again. All I had to do tonight was:
get Dave's attention
show tickets
when waved away, get his attention again and say, "Five yard line."
when he reaches for his wallet, pretend as if cops are on their way and yell "HEAT!" and scamper away.
So it was "Dude"; tickets; "Dude"; "Five Yard Line"; and "HEAT!"

I must have pulled the tickets from my pocket 30 times in front of a mirror to get it right . . . or at least "right" in my mind. I decided to pull the two Super Bowl tickets out of my pocket and point them down instead of up from my chest. I figured that is how a scalper trying to go undetected by the cops would do it.

Watching it at home, I would have done one thing different. I wouldn't have stepped down two steps to make the sale. When I stepped down I became lost behind Dave when he stood up. You couldn't really see me "notice" cops approaching. Because of this, my yell of "Heat!" was probably a bit confusing. It was suggested before the show that we have a cop chase me but that was shot down. I suggested instead of yelling, "Heat!" I should yell "Cops!" That too was knocked down.
In the second performance with the videotape, I was hidden behind Dave even more so. And I would have made my phony discovery of the "oncoming" cops more obvious. So how did I do? OK, I guess. Unfortunately, I did not make the AOL Top Five.

I made this suggestion but it probably left open too many chances of failure and too little time to put together. While the sale of the videotape was going down, I suggested the siren kid from Stupid Human Tricks should step in at the guest entrance and do his siren call. That would be my cue to run.

Fidel Castro was re-elected to the Cuban parliament with over 98% of the vote. 98%? Sounds like he was running against Rudy Giuliani.

Good news, everybody! The 2008 Wahoo Archives are in! Now you can look back at all the mistakes I've made in the past month! So sit down and get going!

The longer I have to wait for this Super Bowl, the less interest I have in it.

I don't know much about politics, but I'm hoping no one gets enough delegates from the primaries and the conventions decide our presidential candidates this year.

It's time for the very popular Wahoo Gazette segment,
"Late Night: The Day They Were Born" Colbie Caillat was born May 28, 1985.
So what happened on Late Night May 28, 1985?
Late Night Show # 558: Dave calls the Indianapolis Speedway; Joe Walsh and Waddy Wachtel sitting in with the band; Kate Capshaw; Ask Mr. Melman; Joe Walsh performs; Comedian Bob Sarlatte.

There are two kinds of New York Giants fans: those who miss Jeremy Shockey and those who don't. I'm definitely on the "don't miss" side.

My side job is doing great. I make "Foreclosure" signs.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his birthday this weekend, former NYPD officer from the 19th, it's Joe Prendergast.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER