“On the night of Nov. 28, NBC presented its annual two-hour Christmas tree-lighting show from Rockefeller Center. It's a show that, naturally, builds to the switch being flipped on the 30,000 lights attached to the giant spruce - this year's an 84-footer - as thousands gather in front of the tree and hundreds of thousands in front of their TV sets. Of course, nothing much really mattered prior to that live shot; that was the one and only moment that had to be shown and seen.

But as Al Roker counted it down, ‘Ten! Nine, Eight. . .’ NBC decided to get fancy. Many TV folks, after all, have some Dr. Frankenstein in them; they often endeavor to prove that advancements in technology hardly ensure the intelligent application of the technology.

As Roker counted down, NBC's director got aerobic. We were flashed here and there – to Roker, to Mayor Bloomberg, to Tony Bennett and even to a shot of the tree, still dark and unlighted. But NBC next cut from the tree and didn't return us to it until after Roker had hollered, ‘Three! Two! One! Zero!’

We weren't again shown the tree until after it's 30,000 lights had been turned on!

The one live shot that NBC could not have possibly missed, the one shot the entire telecast was predicated upon, was the shot NBC missed! We never saw the tree go from dark to light! When it reappeared on NBC, the tree was already in full glow!”

“ . . . . leading up to the rat knocking over the tree, we used the actual footage of the tree lighting. Much like the way sports is now televised, the camera was everywhere but on the tree. We saw the last 10 seconds of the countdown and probably saw 10 different camera shots during that 10 seconds before the lighting. They try to show us everything but in the end, show us nothing.”

At the top of the show before the opening announce, we find Dave with Janet Jackson in the green room. They both stand there in awkward silence. Finally, Dave mumbles a “So how’s Tito?”

Dave is excited to have Janet Jackson on the program tonight. For those who may have been dead at the time, Dave recaps the Super Bowl incident as a reminder of what took place. What was Dave’s reaction to what Justin Timberlake “pulled off” at Super Bowl XXXVIII? Dave considers himself just a dumb old guy who had his head buried in onion dip during the halftime show. Was he outraged? No. What you saw can be seen anytime, anywhere on the internet. Take Paris Hilton, for example Anybody can click on the internet and see her enjoying sex. No big deal. But on the other hand, let’s say you turned on the Oprah show and saw her and Steadman doing it, then that would be a violation of the public trust. It’s something you wouldn’t expect. Anyway, Janet is on the show tonight and she’ll tell us exactly what happened.

Also on the show is singer John Mayer, who to the best of Dave’s knowledge has never been naked on TV.

And all night long, we’ll have 1999 Nobel Prize winner in Economics, Professor Robert Mundell of Columbia University telling “You might be a redneck” jokes. Why wait? Dave calls for the Professor to tell his first joke. Professor Robert Mundell enters and stands at the Pat and Kenny position.
“If somebody accuses you of lying between your tooth, you might be a redneck.”
Dave liked this so he asked for two more.
“If your kid calls your sister, ‘Mom,’ you might be a redneck.”
“If your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years, you might be a redneck.”

Oooh, I really enjoyed this. Great delivery. If the Professor looks familiar, it’s because he performed a top ten for us back in October of 2002. Many say it was the best top ten we have done in the past 5 years, and the credit goes to the fantastic delivery style of Professor Robert Mundell.

Professor Robert Mundell earned his 1999 Nobel Prize for “his analysis of monetary and fiscal policy under different exchange rate regimes and his analysis of optimum currency areas.”

GEORGE W. BUSH INVIGORATING AMERICA’S YOUTH – We see the President giving a speech in front of an audience. Behind him stand many local supporters. One supporter is a youth of approximately 14 years old. He looks to be “all boy,” dressed in his baseball cap. As the President gives his speech, we see the youth yawn, yawn some more, stare at the sky, check his watch, yawn, check his watch, bend over, yawn, and rub his face. No, the youngster wasn’t invigorated by the President’s speech, but I have a feeling he was going to be “invigorated” minutes later when his father got his hands on him. The kid’s father shot him a look early in the piece but the kid pretty much ignored his dad, knowing there wasn’t anything dear old dad could do at that moment.

I haven’t seen a performance like that from a kid at a speech since Andrew Giuliani at his dad’s 1994 inauguration.

Dave doesn’t think Janet Jackson should be punished in any way for what took place at the Super Bowl. She shouldn’t have to do time because she’s a celebrity, just like Martha Stewart. So strongly does Dave feel about this, that if Janet Jackson has to do time Dave says he would step forward and do her time.

NCAA Basketball Quiz: Last Thursday we took a crew to the NCAA Regionals at the Continental Airline Arena in East Rutherford, New Jersey. We brought the footage back to the comedy lab on the 14th floor of the Ed Sullivan Theater Office Building and created comedy.

Fat guy in the lobby of the arena
“This man is known as:
A) A respected journalist
B) A prominent columnist
C) “The Big East”

Screaming face-painted fan
“This scene reminds us that:
A) everyone’s in high spirits during the tournament
B) fans like to have fun
C) college isn’t just or the best and the brightest anymore

Elderly couple
“These elderly folks are proud supporters of:
A) UAB
B) OSU
C) AARP

To finish up the first ACT, Professor Robert Mundell has two more jokes:
“If your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand, you might be a redneck.”
“If your Christmas stocking is full of ammo – you might be a redneck.”

Back from commercial, we visit Professor Robert Mundell one more time.
“If you have more pet names for your hunting dog than for your girlfriend, you might be a redneck.”

TOP TEN: sponsored by My-Head-Hurts.com.
Things You Don’t Want To Hear in a Sports Bar.
We sent a guy and a hidden camera to a sports bar.
#8. Before I can take your order, I need a specimen.
#5. I’m sorry, but the team I bet on lost, so I had to add fifty bucks to your bill.
#2. (yelling) We only have one more six pack of Mountain Dew left, so drink slow.

JANET JACKSON: From what she was wearing, I wasn’t sure if a wardrobe malfunction took place or was about to take place. Yowzer. Dave gets right to it. “Walk us through Super Bowl Sunday from the second you woke up to that moment your thing came off.” Janet sighs and giggles a bashful giggle. She really doesn’t want to go through this story again. She’s had to tell it hundreds of times since Super Sunday. Yeah, but, America wants to know. And if America doesn’t, then Dave does. Dave pursues the truth: What happened? Did you know that was going to happen? Was it premeditated? Did you discuss the move; change the move between the dress rehearsal and the performance? What was supposed to happen? Dave was struggling mightily for an answer but none was coming. He had about as many hits as Mets shortstop Kazuo Matsui has had this Spring. Nothing. We learned what happened wasn’t supposed to happen, but never quite learned what was supposed to happen.

Dave puts that aside for a moment and asks about the jewelry. “How did you affix that? How does that stay on?” Janet says she’s wearing some jewelry now. Dave has the control room go to black. He checks to see how the jewelry is adhered. Once satisfied, Dave calls for the picture to come out of black. Paul assures the home viewers that nothing untoward happened during the “black out.”

Dave offers this advice to Janet: “It’s good to always have someone around so you can blame when things go wrong. I blame Justin Timberlake.”

Dave’s only problem with the whole performance is he didn’t like the way the guy grabbed at a woman and pulled her thing off. What kind of message does that send to a young boy watching at home? (DING!)

Dave asks Janet if she’s dating anyone. She says yes. I “Played the Dave” and said, “Justin Timberlake?” Nope. Dave didn’t ask it. I was too disappointed to listen to what exactly he said.

And what about brother Michael? Janet says she isn’t allowed to talk about that.

Saturday Night Live – she hosts the show on April 10th. Is that this Saturday? The Saturday after? When exactly is April 10th? Paul tries to help Dave. Amidst the confusion of trying to figure out when is April 10th, Dave snaps, “Let’s not talk about that subject.” (or something like that.) I laughed.

Near the end of the 2nd segment, Janet offers something. She wonders what’s with the big nick on Dave’s pinky. Dave says it’s nothing, just something from fidgeting with his cuticle. He then offers, “Coincidentally, that was my nickname in college, ‘Big Nick.’”

Following Janet Jackson’s appearance, Dave asks Paul how he thought that went? Did we learn anything? Not really. Dave says it seems he did all the talking.

Professor Mundell: “If you’ve ever been too drunk to fish, you might be a redneck.”

ACT 5: It’s time for this date in LATE SHOW history. What Late Show event happened on March 29, 2003? NOTHING! March 29th 2003 was a Saturday. This has been This Date in Late Show history. Tell your friends.

JOHN MAYER: From his CD, Heavier Things, John Mayer performed “Clarity.”

To close up the show, Professor Robert Mundell has one more joke to tell.
"If there are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block... you might be a redneck."

And that was our show for Monday, March 29, 2004.



We’ve all been reading a lot about the problem of “outsourcing” of U.S. jobs. But what about the benefit of “in-sourcing,” workers from outside the United States coming here? To name two, for example, NBA basketball players and anesthesiologists. See? It’s not all bad.

My 8-year-old twins are becoming Yankee fans. The other day I tell Danielle that the Yankees will play their first game of the year on Tuesday at 5:00 in the morning. She says excitedly, “Oh, wake me up! I want to watch the Yankees!” I say nothing. She turns puzzled and asks, “Why are they playing the game at 5:00 in the morning?” I tell her because they are playing their first game of the year in Japan and when it’s 5:00 in the morning here, it’s 7:00 at night in Japan. She asks, “But why are the Yankees playing in Japan?” I’m beginning to like her line of questioning, but don’t let on. I want to see where she’s headed. I tell her because the people in Japan want to see the Yankees play baseball. She thinks some more. “Why can’t the Japanese watch them on TV?” she wonders. I tell her because the Japanese want to see them in real life. Danielle gets angry, “But WE want to see them in real life, too!” I tell her we have the whole year to see the Yankees play in real life. I promise to take her to a game this year. She’s happy. And then she says something that is wise far beyond her 8 years of age. She turns angry again and asks, “But why do the Japanese get to see the FIRST game of the year? We should get the first game of the year? Why can’t the Japanese get the Yankees in May or June?” AH HA! SHE GET’S IT! I wonder the same thing! I swear I’ve never said this at home so she’s never overheard me talk this way. YES! So I ask Major League baseball, why do the Japanese get the first game of the year? I want to know, and my 8-year-old daughter wants to know. It makes no sense! Besides the bag of loot baseball will make on the deal, it makes no sense!

Oops. I think I just answered my own question.

Yankee players are muttering a bit about having to make the 17 hour trip to Japan to open the season. I would side with them but THEY voted on agreeing to go. The Players Association and the Yankees and Tampa Bay Devil Rays had to give it the OK.

But why open the season there? I’m sure baseball will say it’s the travel problems in mid-season that prohibits it. How about this, then? Two west coast teams play a day game on a Sunday in May. Right after the game, they take flight to Japan. (the starting pitchers for the Japan games can leave early.) The teams would play a night game on Tuesday and a day game on Wednesday then immediately travel back for a Friday night game on the west coast. Sure, it would be tiring but just think, you’ll be making money without hurting the fans back home. Plus, you’ll be making money. And if that’s not enough incentive for the players and baseball, you’ll be making a lot of money, too.

So does anybody else out there think the way my daughter and I do? Why of course there is. Just read what my favorite sports writer Phil Mushnick has to say in his Monday column.
http://www.nypost.com/sports/17725.htm

Part of the article contains this gem:

“The only tradition that baseball perpetuates is the anything-for-a-buck tradition. For years, the Reds, as professional baseball's oldest club (1869), were assigned the major league opener. It was played at home, on a Tuesday afternoon. A parade preceded the game, kids were let out of school. It all began in 1891. Great stuff.
Cincinnati still holds the Findlay Market Opening Day Parade, but its significance has been thinned.
In 1994 MLB sold Opening Day to ESPN. The Reds, that year, did host the MLB opener, but on a frigid Sunday night. Kids were asleep by the fourth inning, adults by the seventh.
Now, MLB has sold Opening Day to Japan. And it continues to sell its fans down the river.”

“Here’s an idea. Instead of putting up a windmill in your backyard to recharge your electric car each night, how about putting a windmill on the roof of your car so the battery is continuously recharged while you drive?

Re: a windmill on the roof of your car.
“I used to be a rocket scientist (Honest! Only six months but it counts!). I think the drag of the windmill would slow you down by an amount equal to the energy it would generate. Also you hit a lot of those Maximum height 6 feet’ signs in parking lots.”

“You should learn to keep your inventions to yourself. I came up with an idea in 1978 to construct a series of small (2” high) turbines to place on top of ANY vehicle to recharge the battery while the vehicle is in motion. The weight of a moving vehicle more than compensates for the drag coefficient applied to the resistance of the turbines..... you just gave 'someone' a multi-million dollar idea over the internet...nice going, have a great day!”

So, could windmills on a car work? You know, like tiny ones where the radiator is now. Jason Carpenter of Bettendorf, Iowa:

“You mentioned putting a windmill on an electric car to produce energy as the car moved along. A windmill would cause resistance which the motor in the car would have compensate for, thus draining the battery further. The amount of energy the windmill produced could never equal the amount lost thru resistance. It's a mechanical and physical 'energy out' will always be less than 'energy in'.

Although I started the windmill on the car argument as a joke, I’m beginning to convince myself that it may be a good idea. I’ll be investigating this further. (read, “readers will send me more information” and I’ll simply cut and paste.)

Don’t forget to look for the Wahoo Digest in this month’s LATE SHOW Newsletter.

This just in: The New York Yankees lost their opener against the mighty Tampa Bay Devil Rays in Japan this morning. Yes, I am a long time Yankee fan (1966) and I would like nothing better than for them to win another World Series. The next best thing would be for them to have a disastrous season. Hoo boy, talk about entertaining!

The Yankee payroll is so high, in Japan they’re known as the Yen-kees. Buh-dum-bum. Good night, everybody. You’ve been great!