" . . . and now, Canada's 2007 Miss Maritime Provinces . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1
On the show tonight, Whoopi Goldberg, the new, but not the newest, host of "The View." I later learn she's the moderator. Whoopi took over for Rosie O'Donnell, who got into a fight with Barbara Walters. The way Dave heard it, Rosie attacked Barbara with a broken bottle. Barbara defended herself with a makeup chair. And during the changeover, Dave heard that Rosie put out a cigarette on the back of Whoopi's neck. My suggestion for the next View host: Dr. Henry Kissinger.

This is something brand new; something we've never done before. It's called: "Oakland Raiders: Commitment to Excellence."
We see the sidelines of a recent Oakland Raider football game. In the foreground is head coach Lane Kiffin. In the background, pointed out with a red arrow, is defensive line coach Keith Millard. We see him put a finger up to one nostril and blow snot out of the other nostril. Yum.
"Oakland Raiders: Commitment to Excellence."
I see this all too often these day. It's becoming an accepted practice. When I return to New York City at the airport from a long trip, I like to see how long it takes before I see someone do that. I'm not officially back to the City until I see someone blow some snot. It's so classy.

The new Jimmy Smits drama "Cane" was a hit in its series debut. The show is about a family who runs a sugar empire and next week's episode looks especially exciting. We watch the promo.
Announce: "Next week on 'Cane,' turmoil in the Vega family when Alex notices his son Jaime having his morning coffee with . . . . Splenda!
'Cane' - Sugar is the new oil."

Earlier tonight on ABC was the season premiere of "Ugly Betty." I know a lot of people who have been looking forward to it . . . in fact, our friend Rupert Jee in the Hello Deli is a big fan. Rupert?
We cut to Rupert at the Hello Deli. He is dressed as Ugly Betty.
RUPERT: "Hi, Dave."
DAVE: "I see you're dressed as Ugly Betty."
RUPERT: "Oh, yeah, I love the show."
DAVE: "And has your outfit helped business at all?"
RUPERT: "Not much, but it makes me feel really, really alive."
DAVE: "That's wonderful, Rupert."

And not it's time for a brand new segment, entitled, "President Bush - The Education President." We see the President among a bunch of New York City elementary students. He says: "As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured."
Yes, he said "childrens." Whenever Dave misspeaks, a great fear creeps within me, fearing that I had made a typo on his bluecard. I can't imagine what the guy who types the speeches for Bush must go through.

ACT 2
Dave is billboarding the night's program when a hotel maid enters from behind. HOTEL MAID: "Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me."
DAVE: "Oh, hello."
HOTEL MAID: "Turndown service."
DAVE: "No, I think I'm fine."
HOTEL MAID: "Do you want a mint?"
DAVE: "That would be great, thanks."
The hotel maid hands Dave a mint and leaves.

During rehearsal, a member of the crew was trying to track down the mint and leaves for this piece. I immediately realized the problem, but said nothing. I wanted to enjoy it for a while. The guy had the script in his hands. I asked if he could show me what he's looking for. He points to the script. "The maid is supposed to give Dave a mint and leaves." I look at him and say, "Oh, OK." I let him continue his search for another 5 minutes. When I had my enjoyment for the day, I tell the guy, "It says 'The hotel maid gives Dave a mint and leaves . . . LEAVES. . . . as in EXITS. Hands Dave a mint and EXITS! She exits!" I got a "Ohhhhhh!." He finally understood.

Hey, New Yorkers, Paul's one-minute This Day in Rock and Roll History show comes to Q-104.3 FM this Monday. Here in New York it'll be called the "Q Calendar." Paul gives a sample of what his show will sound like.
Within seconds, it's obvious the wrong tape was put in. We are hearing an outtake from his program. Paul was about to make a dedication to someone whose dog had just died, except the song that was just played was a happy, bouncy tune. Paul was irate. How is he supposed make the transition from happy, up-tempo song into a heart-tugging dedication? We hear on the audio tape his reaction. I can't really blame him. While we listen to the audio, Paul tries to talk over it and have it stopped. Too late. We heard more than enough.
Note: Yes, Paul's show really is now on in New York. The taped piece of an irate Paul is a play on a Casey Kasem meltdown some years back.

GEORGE W. BUSH VS. MAHMOUD AHMADINEJAD - as a little bonus, during tonight's comedy piece, each joke was followed by a ridiculous sound effect.
1. BUSH: travels on Air Force One
AHMADINEJAD: Travels on goat named Ernie.
SFX: boing

2. BUSH: 9 trillion dollar national debt
AHMADINEJAD: 9 dollar haircut
SFX: slide whistle

3. AHMADINEJAD: member of the Islamic Society of Engineers
BUSH: member of the Chuck Norris Fan Club
SFX: cow moo

4. AHMADINEJAD: calls Bush "The Great Satan"
BUSH: calls Ahmadinejad "Ahmad Rashad."
SFX: bowling ball in lane, hits pins

5. BUSH: in six years as Texas governor, presided over 152 executions
AHMADINEJAD: 152 executions is a slow day
SFX: splash

6. AHMADEINJAD: speaks in broken, hard-to-understand English
BUSH: speaks in broken, hard-to-understand English
SFX: cat meowing

7. BUSH: married to Laura
AHMADINEJAD: briefly dated Megan Mullally
SFX: Barry White, "Ohhh, baby."

8. AHAMDINEJAD: believes he must destabilize Iraq to acquire more oil
BUSH: believes sugar is the new oil
SFX: cuckoo

9. AHMADINEJAD: hummus
BUSH: riblets
SFX: gong

10. AHMADINEJAD: holocaust denier
BUSH: global warming denier
SFX: banjo

11. BUSH: once owned the Texas Rangers
AHMADINEJAD: briefly played shortstop for the Seattle Mariners
SFX: rooster

12. AHMADINEJAD: surrounded by bloodthirsty henchmen who delight in killing
BUSH: surrounded by Cheney
SFX: shotgun blasts

13. AHMADINEJAD: underlings refer to him as President of the Islamic Republic of Iran
BUSH: underlings refer to him as "President Numbnuts."
SFX: ah-ooga horn

ACT 3
STUPID HUMAN TRICKS
1. Jason Bareford, from Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Jason is an independent filmmaker. What kinds of films? Documentaries, the kind that don't make money. Trick: Jason will kick himself in the head 30 times in 30 seconds.
Dave asks why he would want to do something like that? I answered, "Because it feels so good when I stop.
Using his right foot, Jason kicks himself in the head 30 times in about 25 seconds. That was oddly entertaining. Dave sums it up: "That's why the rest of the world hates us."

2. Mark Hayward of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Mark is an artist, working as a sculptor. What's he sculpt? Wood. Trick: Mark will eat a marshmallow using a mousetrap and a blowgun. Mark sets up the trick. He sets the mousetrap. He places the marshmallow in the mousetrap launcher. He steps 10-feet back. He blows a dart at the mousetrap, which sets it off. The marshmallow flies through the air into the mouth of Mark. Dave sums this up: "I was wrong. THAT'S why the rest of the world hates us."

3. Chris Hansen of Green Bay, Wisconsin: Chris is a bar owner. What kind of bar? Is it a dump? Chris: "Yeah," Dave laughs. The name of the bar is The Sardine Can, and if I had time this weekend, I'd drive to Green Bay to quaff. An owner who calls his own bar a dump and names it The Sardine Can is a bar I want to be found. Trick: Chris will drink a glass of beer though his nose.
Chris pours a glass of beer. He puts it up to his right nostril and downs the beer. My first thought was, "Can he do this when he has a cold?"
Dave sums up this trick: "The beauty of that is you don't have to take out your cigarette when you're drinking."

I just googled "The Sardine Can." Wow, now that's my type of daytime place! I think it would be too crowded at night. And any bar that hypes Blatz, Pabst, and Schlitz is my kind of place. I bet they got pickled eggs behind the bar.
Check it out. www.thesardinecan.com
In fact, google "The Sardine Can" and "Hansen" and read about his visit to the Ed Sullivan Theater.

ACT 4
WHOOPI GOLDBERG: She's the new host/moderator at The View. Does she have any stupid tricks? Whoopi performs the theme song to "Gunsmoke" on her cheeks.
The thinner Whoopi has lost 43 pounds recently. Wow, good job! Years ago when I was in shape, I could easily lose 10 pounds in two days. Now, different story. I'm in such poor shape, I can't work out long enough to be sore the next day.
Whoopi has a fear of flying and takes her bus when the need for travel calls. And she has a morning radio show called, "Wake Up With Whoopi."

ACT 5
Announce: "Looking for a blowgun? Visit Iron City Blowguns! We're now on the internet. Every major make and model at "blow-out" prices! Iron City Blowguns - We Are Professional Grade!"

ACT 6
MELISSA ETHERIDGE: From her new CD, "The Awakening," Melissa Etheridge performed "Message To Myself."
I don't have any of her CDs. That'll change this weekend.

And that was our show for Thursday, September 27, 2007.



This past two weeks of Mets baseball has been the most fascinating continuous baseball I may have ever seen. Their 7-game lead two weeks ago has vanished. And they have been leading in most of those games . . . big leads! And the sports radio shows are unbelievable. Unbelievable.

From last week's New York Post, or maybe it was the Daily News.

"Jerry Orbach will live on in the Theater District --- now that the city has named a street after the Broadway and TV star, who died in 2004 at age 69.
A portion of 53rd Street at 8th Avenue was renamed Jerry Orbach Way to honor the actor who delighted theater fans by originating the role of El Gallo in 'The Fantasticks' and Billy Flynn in 'Chicago.'
'I see streets named after people who've given to the city all over,' said Orbach's widow, Elaine. 'God knows Jerry gave to the city in all ways.'
The couple lived in a high-rise across the street from the newly named street section. The three-time Tony nominee was known more recently as Detective Lennie Briscoe on the NBC TV series, 'Law & Order.'"

Have you seen the design for the new Lincoln penny? A new penny? Do we really need a new penny? It's ridiculous. I wouldn't give you two cents for one of them.

A few weeks ago Dave described his son Harry as someone who "got a vaccination from a phonograph needle." He offered it up as an old saying, meaning "one who is very chatty." I never heard of it, so I Googled it. The only place I found it was in a Bon Jovi song, "Blame It On The Love of Rock & Roll"

"It feels so good that it ought to be illegal
I got my vaccination from a phonograph needle
I'll never grow up and I'll never grow old
Blame it on the love of rock & roll"

"His parents chose "S" as his middle name, in attempt to please both of Harry's grandfathers, Anderson Shipp Truman and Solomon Young, but it didn't stand for anything, as was a common practice among Scotch-Irish."

From the Truman Library website:

USE OF THE PERIOD
AFTER THE "S" IN
HARRY S. TRUMAN'S NAME
S Period signatureIn recent years the question of whether to use a period after the "S" in Harry S. Truman's name has become a subject of controversy, especially among editors. The evidence provided by Mr. Truman's own practice argues strongly for the use of the period. While, as many people do, Mr. Truman often ran the letters in his signature together in a single stroke, the archives of the Harry S. Truman Library have numerous examples of the signature written at various times throughout Mr. Truman's lifetime where his use of a period after the "S" is very obvious.
Mr. Truman apparently initiated the "period" controversy in 1962 when, perhaps in jest, he told newspapermen that the period should be omitted. In explanation he said that the "S" did not stand for any name but was a compromise between the names of his grandfathers, Anderson Shipp Truman and Solomon Young. He was later heard to say that the use of the period dated after 1962 as well as before.
Several widely recognized style manuals provide guidance in favor of using the period. According to The Chicago Manual of Style all initials given with a name should "for convenience and consistency" be followed by a period even if they are not abbreviations of names. The U.S. Government Printing Office Style Manual states that the period should be used after the "S" in Harry S. Truman's name.

Looking for a new website to visit? Check out www.12stepmeeting.com. You won't find a better self-help site on the web, no matter what the addiction. And you can now hear the show in New York on WOR-710 AM Sundays, 1:00 AM - 3:00 AM. Check out the Station List to see if it's playing in your home town. And if not, listen right there on the website.

Wahoo Full Disclosure: I know the husband of the CEO and founder of the 12-step radio program. Good guy.

WAHOO PHILOSOPHY CORNER Socrates. (470 BC-399 BC) was a Classical Greek philosopher who is widely credited for laying the foundation for Western philosophy.
Plato (428- 348BC), whose original name was Aristocles, was an ancient Greek philosopher, the second of the great trio of ancient Greeks -succeeding Socrates and preceding Aristotle
Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC) was a Greek philosopher, a student of Plato

Tonight's featured Philosopher: Socrates -"He is richest who is content with the least."
- "Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers."
- "Beauty is a short-lived tyranny."

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
It's his birthday on Saturday, it's Marc Kearsing.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER