". . . . and now, hobo-rousting rail yard watchman . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1
The Dalai Lama is in New York City today and you really have to credit our booking department. That's right, he is here tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, the Dalai Lama. We see the Dalai Lama ride a bicycle from the guest entrance, down a ramp, and out the back of the theater. The Dalai Lama almost didn't make it on the show tonight. During rehearsal, when he rode down the ramp, the bicycle seat busted. While we quickly went on a hunt for a new bicycle seat, the Dalai Lama recouped. Not until the curtain went up did we know for sure whether the Dalai Lama was going to make it.

Dave throws a blue card through the window and we hear the ranting and raving of a woman. Dave says the yelping sounds like his neighbors. I'm told it's from the new film, "Elizabeth: The Golden Age" about Queen Elizabeth. I didn't listen closely enough, but I thought I heard her yell, "No wire hangers!"

New York City is launching a new global ad campaign with the theme: "This is New York City." The first commercial is on the air now. Announce:

"This is New York City." We see shots of lovely scenes of New York City accompanied by Ella Fitzgerald's "Take the 'A' Train." Following this is a quick disclaimer: "Not responsible for personal belongings. Do not make eye contact. Gun owners must use silencers. Boil tap water. 911 open only during business hours. New Jersey residents not welcome. Rabies shot recommended. New York City --- Michael Bloomberg, Mayor."

"At a Sotheby's auction this week, a ring purchased for $7.98 million. The buyer was Kobe Bryant, who wanted to apologize to his wife for sleeping with another Hooters waitress.
Kobe Bryant --- takin' it to the hoop."

"Climatologists have discovered a dangerous rise in global humidity in recent years, with all evidence pointing to human activity as the cause. If this dire situation is left unchecked, it could lead to the extinction of thousands of species, an increase in deadly storms, and by 2012, 80% of the world's population will look like this:"
-we cut to a shot of Phil Spector in his wild frizzy hair in court.
"Humidity: the silent killer."

ACT 2
Let's do the top ten . . . only one problem . . . . Dave can't find the blue card. It's not on his desk. He didn't accidentally drop it on the floor. He gets up and searches his area. Dave walks over the Barbara Gaines, the executive producer, to see if she has the blue card. She does not. Does writer Bill Scheft have the blue card? Nope, he doesn't either. It finally dawns on Dave where he left it. He quickly exits out the guest entrance. We see him running down steps; down the hall; down another hall; and down another hall. Dave hops in the elevator. He gets to his floor and runs down the hall. He runs in to his office and starts rummaging around his office. A frantic Dave starts throwing papers onto the floor; he throws a printer on the floor to look behind it; he aggressively clears his desk of everything as he looks for the missing blue card. The office is in total disarray. Suddenly, a Late Show staffer appears at the door and barks, "Hey! What the hell are you doing?" Dave stops cold. He realizes his mistake. Says Dave, "Oh, sorry. Wrong office." Dave runs out of the office and down to his office. There he finds the blue card sitting right there on his desk. He grabs the blue card and returns to the theater.

TOP TEN: Signs There's A Ghost in The White House - in this month's Texas Monthly, Jenna Bush admits to hearing ghosts in the White House.
#8. Someone's been reading the intelligence memos.
#7. Mysterious force keeps pulling Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne's pants down.

ACT 3
ANNE HECHE: From ABC's "Men in Trees." Anne enters and Dave and she exchange a hug, a kiss, and some more of the same.
"Men in Trees" takes place in a small town in Alaska, but is actually shot in Vancouver. Anne says Vancouver has changed her life. So much nature, so peaceful, such beauty. She lives in a log cabin and a river runs right through her property. (That's nothing. I have a river that runs though my basement when it rains!) She and her son really connect on their walks through the woods of Vancouver. Anne's son is 5 years old and she asks Dave about his son. Dave says about having kids: "Everyone keeps saying 'it gets better and better,' and it does . . . . up to the point they start stealing cars." Anne tells a story of taking her son to the dentist to fill some cavities. Since then, providing fluoride for her son has been on the top of her list. Her son didn't want to go to the dentist and threatened if he had to go, he wouldn't go to Anne's funeral. Hmm, that could be taken as a threat. But the two went to the dentist and sonny boy was knocked out with the gas. When he came to, he saw mom and sighed, "Well, thanks goodness that's over."
We find out that Anne has a boyfriend, James Tupper. He plays "Jack" on the "Men in Trees" show. She knew a relationship with a cast member was something to be avoided and they both fought it off for about 9 months. Finally, other cast member urged them, "Go on a date, already!" They did, they have, and things are working out. Is marriage in their future? Anne won't say. She's tried it before and isn't in a rush to try it again. Dave's been there and understands. Neither knows why people get married and keep getting married. Elizabeth Taylor is used as an example. She's been married numerous times. They decide she simply got married so many times just for the cake.
So what will we see when we turn on "Men in Trees." Anne says since it takes place in Alaska, there is a lot of animal life and in Friday's premiere you'll see two otters mating. Dave says he had dreams about that, too.
"Men in Trees" and otters mating - premieres Friday night at 10:00 PM on ABC. Oh, you're wondering why "Men in Trees"? The title refers to the signs you see in Alaska warning of men working above in trees.

ACT 4
Back from commercial, we see Dave sitting on the arm of a chair in an office-like setting. An easel holds a picture of a serene village with rolling hills in the background. DAVE: "Hi, I'm Dave Letterman. As a television personality, I can afford vacation property anywhere in the world - Rome, Hong Kong, St. Tropez --- you name it. But I choose Crescent Springs Village, the best-kept secret in Alabama. Why?
Easy financing, low interest rates, and no pre-payment penalties make the home sites a Crescent Springs Village a can't-miss investment opportunity.
That's not all. The Crescent Springs Village community also has two Olympic-size above ground pools and the championship 16-hole golf course designed by PGA legend Lou Bannister.
Call our hotline now for more information. The number is 1-967-CRESCENT. A sales rep is standing by live 24-hours-a-day to answer all of your questions. Don't believe me?"
Dave takes out a cellphone and punches in the number to Crescent Springs Village We hear a dial tone. A Crescent Springs Village operator slides into the shot.
OPERATOR: "Crescent Springs Village Hotline. Vince speaking. Would you like to begin living the dream?"
DAVE: "Not right now."
Dave hangs up. Split screen slides out.
DAVE: "What are you waiting for?"
Freeze on Dave.
ANNOUNCE: "Crescent Springs Village --- Paradise is waiting!"
Dave makes it back to his desk and throws to commercial.

ACT 5
Alan announce: "If you're in New York City this weekend, why not stop by 'Alan Kalter's 22nd Annual NRA-Sanctioned Celebrity Rodeo! There's going to be bronco riding, fireworks, and a special appearance by Lee Majors and his dancing horse, Hopscotch! You'll find it all down at 'Alan Kalter's 22nd Annual NRA-Sanctioned Celebrity Rodeo!' It's gonna be sick! We'll be right back."

ACT 6
SUE JOHANSON: she hosts the Oxygen network program, "Talk Sex with Sue Johanson." Dave says she looks great and asks if she would mind telling her age. Sue proudly proclaims for the first time that she's 77 years old. She's never told her age before and blames it much on the age-ism in the media. Age-ism? That's right. People assume if you're over 40 you're not having sex. She adds, "You can't imagine your parents . . . ." and then she makes a motion with her hands, a familiar sign involving the 'OK' sign with one hand coupled with a thrusting of your pointer finger. I will log this moment in my data base under: "Ewwwwww!"
So what's new in sex these days? Sue says "Fuzzies" is getting popular. And what is fuzzies? It's people who like to get dressed up as animals and have sex. Dave objects. Sue defends it simply by saying it is no different from one dressing up as a doctor. A stunned Dave exclaims, "Have you been reading my diary?!!"
What's new on her "Talk Sex" show? Sue says this year they'll be introducing "Toy of the Week" and "Position of the Week." Dave says, "Toys . . . positions . . . but really, when you get right down to it it's all about friction." Sue expands on that but Dave wants to keep it simple, zeroing in on the basics, the heart of the matter, the "heavy lifting" part of sex. Sue shoots back, "Who's doing the 'heavy lifting?' We're sitting there with our heels behind our ears . . . ."
This too will go under, "Ewwwwww!"
What's new in fetishes?
Diapering.
There is no need to go on to any other fetishes. Dave wants "diapering" explained and wants to know what possible thrill could be extracted from diapering. None of it makes sense to him. Diapering? Really? And just how does one introduce that into a relationship? I was as confused as Dave. Sure, anybody can think up anything they want. They can have any fetish they can come up with. I can . . . . maybe sorta kinda understand that. But then you need someone else to say, "Hey, good idea!" That's the part I don't get. I blame it all on cable.
Sue Johanson --- always entertaining. The 6th season of "Talk Sex with Sue Johanson" premieres Sunday night at 11:00 PM on the Oxygen network.

ACT 7
MARIZA: From her new CD, "Concerto em Lisboa," the Portuguese songstress performed the lovely, "O Gente Da Minha Terra."

And that was our show for Thursday, October 11, 2007.



Lama in the Dalai Lama is spelled with one L. Which reminds me of a bad joke, my favorite kind.
A one L llama is a holy man.
A 2 L llama is an animal.
What's a 3 L llama?
Answer: One heck of a big fire.

I tend to be slow on the pick up with anything that needs to be plugged in. Recently I came across the website www.slacker.com, a music station on the computer. And it's geared to the music you want to hear. This morning I got in and clicked on "60s Rock." The first song that came up was "Going Up the Country" by Canned Heat. Man, finally radio I like . . . . and it's on the computer. Give it a listen.

Dave shared a personal story with us about dreaming of a sexual encounter with Barbara Walters. Many years ago, I once had a similar dream about Mary Tyler Moore. And now today, that dream seems as real as any actual business I had with someone. Therefore, I count Mary Tyler Moore as someone I've experienced.

Hey, Fab Faux fans (www.fabfaux.com), they may be coming to a city near you. Check out Will Lee and the boys playing the best of the Beatles:
10/13 - in Philadelphia
11/03 - in Queens, New York
11/11 - Boston, Mass.
11/17 - New Brunswick, NJ
12/13 - House of Blues in Atlantic City
12/19 - Peekskill, NY
1/26/08 - Hollywood, California
Check out the website for exact locations!

The other day I lamented how local radio station 1010-WINS missed out on the opportunity for some self promotion by not proclaiming October 10, 10/10, and 1010-WINS Day! I called it a "swing and a miss" on their part. Charlie originally from South Philly thought I used a wrong metaphor. It was not "a swing and a miss" but more like "a called third strike." There wasn't even a swing. I admitted my mistake and agreed with Charlie, originally from Philly. But now I've received an e-mail from Jon Solomonson of Orlando, Florida who believes both Charlie originally from Philly and I are wrong. Jon says the following about the missed opportunity by 1010-WINS:

"It seems to me as if 1010-WINS were standing in the batter's box not paying attention at all--maybe digging in a little too much, or tugging on their gloves, or even looking back at the catcher and talking trash. Meanwhile the Gregorian Calendar whizzed one right by them. Pull the chain!"

WAHOO PHILOSOPHY CORNER
Tonight's featured Philosopher: PLATO
- "I shall assume that your silence gives consent. "
- "Love is a serious mental disease. "
- "Necessity... the mother of invention."

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
New York Yankee fan and 1978 Ramapo High School graduate, from Pearl River, New York, it's Tommy Gilbride.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER