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THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Jodie Foster; and Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. PLUS:The New iPod; The New Osama Video; Oprah’s Promo; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Alan Kalter’s Celebrity Interview; a Top Ten List; Mark Twain Tonight; and Back To School Advice.
ACT 1
My Tuesday morning commute: 2 hours, 40 minutes. That is in my top 3 for the past 13 years here at the Late Show. And 2 hours and 20 minutes of that was getting to the George Washington Bridge. Half my trip took 2 hours 20 minutes; my 2nd half of the trip took 20 minutes. Oh, that mean whatever I did for the Wahoo on Monday is pretty much what you’re going to get. There is no Tuesday morning addition to the Monday Wahoo.
Jodie Foster is on tonight. Dave describes her as beguiling; a word he says he hasn’t used in 11 years. I checked my records and I think he used that word to describe Morgan Fairchild in 1996.
Apple unveiled its new iPod last week and Dave has one of the first models. It’s very impressive. It has a massive 120-gigabyte hard drive, an integrated wi-fi connection, a 3.5 inch display and a touch screen. But the best part? . . . . Dave takes a bite out of the new Apple iPod. He mumbles with a mouthful of iPod, “It’s edible.”
Did you see that Osama bin Laden video that came out a couple days ago? His beard is much darker. And if you watch the entire video, there was something odd else odd about it. We watch. Announce: “The Osama bin Laden Video, sponsored by ‘Just For Martyrs’ beard coloring products! Why not look your youthful best this jihad . . . with ‘Just For Martyrs.”
Dave was on the Oprah show earlier today and it was a wonderful experience, though he didn’t really like how they promoted it. We see a clip to show us what Dave was talking about. Announce: “Oprah’s in New York for a pair of very special shows! On Monday, join Oprah as she attempts an Impossible Makeover!” (shot of Dave) “Today on Oprah.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
We see Harry S Truman.
We see Ronald Reagan.
We see George W. Bush: “Thanks for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit . . . . APEC summit!” Oops.
ACT 2: It’s back-to-school time, which can be difficult for many young people. Dave thought it would be nice to offer some advice to the kids.
1. Our cameraman, Dave Dorsett: “Learning a foreign language can be difficult. I’ve made great progress in French since I hired a tutor.” (sexy woman enters and stands beside Dorsett) “She makes learning Swedish fun.” DAVE: “I thought you said she tutored you in French.” DORSETT: “Does it really matter?”
2. Dave’s advice is not to worry if you don’t get straight A’s. Even a mediocre student can lead a fulfilling and successful life. We take a look at the jobs available to below average students in today’s market.
- Pop Star – Britney Spears
- President of the United States – George W. Bush
- Talk Show host - Dave
3. Let’s check in with Rupert. Rupert: “Start each day with a healthy breakfast. Or if you don’t have time to eat, try one of my Hello Deli breakfast shakes . . . . (shows breakfast shake to camera) . . . “made with milk, eggs, ham, sausage, and just a touch of real maple syrup.” Rupert chugs down the shake, most of it dripping down his shirt.
4. Our technical maintenance supervisor, Gary Mintz: “If it’s too hard to make friends, make a friend.” Cut to wide shot of a robot-like creation made by Gary. He speaks to his little robot: “Wanna go shopping tonight? Great. You’re my best pal.”
5.George Clarke: (close up) “Almost every school kid has nightmares about showing up to school and suddenly realizing they forgot to get dressed. My advice is, Relax.”
Shot widens to reveal George in his underpants. “If you got it, flaunt it.”
6. If it’s getting late and you still have homework to do, rest your eyes with a textbook on tape. Dave holds up a “Discovering Geometry – Third Edition” audio book. In a monotone, we hear the narrator: “There’s a square-looking thing and then a triangle and a little letter ‘a’ with a tiny 2 next to it. Then an upside down letter ‘u’ next to two lines with a squiggle on top. The a tube-shaped thingy. . . .” And on it continues.
7. Our costume designer, Susan Hum: “If I knew how to be a good student, you think I’d be working in this ‘djoy’ hole?”
8. Does Biff have some advice? : “Sure. Maybe there’s a kid in you class who’s kind of weird and creepy. Maybe nobody likes him, and everyone tries to avoid him. But if you reach out to him, you might find he’s actually a pretty cool guy. Watch.”
Biff walks over and stands by Dave’s desk. BIFF: “Hey, how’s it going?” DAVE: “Hi.” BIFF: (beat) “Man, you really are creepy.”
ACT 3 TOP TEN: Britney Spears Excuses: 9. “I haven’t been myself since Phil Rizzuto died” 8. “Too much soup.” Huh? 4. “Eddie Brill said the audience was people from out-of-town.”
JODIE FOSTER: She’s in the film The Brave One, opening this Friday. This summer she did a lot of traveling, including a trip to Iceland. Ahh, Iceland, it’s the new hot spot . . . and I don’t mean “new hot spot” as in global warming. I’ve been hearing a lot of good things about Iceland and I’ll be going there as soon as I get a free week and money to spend. Lots of glaciers and geysers and lava fields and whalewatching and puffins and lots of steaming neon blue water to soak in; plus in the summer you get almost 24 hours of daylight. Iceland: Look Into It.
Jodie’s been in show business for most of her life. As a kid of 6 she appeared in the TV series, “Gunsmoke.” She watched the episode recently with her kids. There was a big close up of her, and then it went to a wide shot. In the wide shot she says you can clearly see her picking her nose. Of course her kids thought this hilarious . The Brave One – it opens this Friday and it looks good and creepy.
ACT 4 ALAN KALTER’S CELEBRITY INTERVIEW DAVE: “It’s time once again for a favorite segment of ours: ‘Alan Kalter’s Celebrity Interview.’ Alan?
An angry Alan does not respond. DAVE: “Alan, are you going to say something?” ALAN: “Oh, I’m sorry, is my silence upsetting you? Well, perhaps I’d have more to say if you didn’t steal my act.” DAVE: “Not sure what you’re getting at, Alan.” ALAN: “Cut the crap, suckhole. You’ve known for weeks who tonight’s guest was for ‘Alan Kalter’s Celebrity Interview.’ Here, let me introduce you to her: two-time Academy Award winner Jodie Foster.”
(Camera widens to reveal Jodie Foster sitting next to Alan) ALAN: “By the way, can I get you some lip balm, Dave?” DAVE: “Uh, no. Why?” ALAN: “Because your lips look a little chapped from kissing her ass for the past ten minutes. (mocking) Oh, Jodie, will you be my best friend? Oh, Jodie, you’re my favorite person ever! (finished mocking) It was disgusting.” DAVE: “Alan, that’s not exactly how the interview went.” ALAN: “That’s exactly how it went! Mark my words, ‘sdd’hole, monkey around with my ‘djoy’ again and I’ll punch your dentures down your throat, you old bitch!”
(To Jodie) “You pull this ‘djoy’ again, sister, and you’re out of the business!” Alan exits angry.
Dave apologizes for Alan’s outburst.
ACT 5
“It’s time for a U.S. Open Update!
It’s over!
This has been a U.S. Open Update.
Keep on keepin’ on.”
ACT 6
Dave was on Oprah earlier today and when she asked what he likes to do with Harry, Dave froze. He could come up with nothing. He says he could have told this story:
Dave and Harry went out for a drive to get Harry’s ice skates. They arrived at the local ice skate place but when they arrived, they couldn’t find a parking space. They drove around the store once but still not spot. There was one spot available, but it wasn’t actually a parking space. Harry pipes up in the back and says “What about that one?!” Dave sizes it up but realizes it isn’t a legal spot. Dave drives around the store again but still no spot. Harry again calls out, “What about that one?” Dave drives around twice, three times, and then another few times; each time Harry asks about that spot. Says Harry after the 6th or 7th trip around, “What about that one? That looks like the best spot ever!” By now, Dave has to agree. He pulls in to the spot. Harry and Dave get out and start walking to the store. A cop approaches, “Hey, you can’t park there.” Dave sheepishly responds, “Well, somebody told me I could.”
And now it’s time to celebrate one of America’s most beloved humorists with an excerpt from “Mark Twain Tonight.”
The curtain rises. In the simple setting, we see a seated Mark Twain, played by Johnny Dark. MARK TWAIN: “Oh, sorry, I didn’t hear you come in. Twain’s the name, Mark Twain. I came in with Halley’s Comet in 1835, and when it’s my time, I’ll go out with Halley’s Comet, as well. I come from modest means. My family was so poor, if I hadn’t been born a boy, I would have had nothing at all to play with.”
Rim Shot.
“Overall, I’d say I get very little respect. I told my son about the birds and the bees. Then he told me about the mailman and my wife.”
Rim Shot.
“I remember the first time I made love to my wife, she started crying. I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’”
Rim Shot.
“Well, I’d best be going. Wednesday’s the night Mrs. Twain lets me take my steamboat up her Mississippi.”
Rim Shot.
“Good night.”
Oddly, Mark Twain sounded a lot like Abraham Lincoln.
ACT 7 Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova: from the “Once” soundtrack, Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova performed “Falling Slowly.”
And that was our show for Monday September 10, 2007.
DAMN! Damn damn damn! I was so hyped about Oprah being in New York that I forgot to phone in and for Springsteen tickets.
If you saw Britney Spears at the MTV Awards Sunday night, you were mistaken. It was Kirstie Alley.
Now that my girls get the school bus at 6:55 AM, I’m free to head to work any time after that. In the past, I wouldn’t get out of the house till 8:20 AM. Now for the past week I’ve been starting my commute at 7:15 . . . . and the ride in is awful. I expected the drive in to be worse than usual, but not this bad! If you think I’ve complained about traffic in the past, just wait. You’re heard nothing yet.
A major faux pas this morning. My girls get on the bus for school. Denise says, “Is this Danielle’s flash drive? She needs it for school!” I don’t know much about computers. I’m lost after “mouse.” I didn’t want to do it but my wife insisted I stop the bus when it made it’s way around the cul-de-sac and ask Danielle if she forgot her flash drive. I told her I didn’t think this was a good idea. I stopped the bus when they were in the 1sy grade, they are now in 6th, and Dominique is still mortified. But Denise insisted and so I did. The bus stopped and I mumbled to the driver, “she’s gonna hate me.” I take two steps up and look for Danielle. I see her and ask, “Is this your flash drive?” With a terrified look in her eye, she shakes her head no. I say nothing and leave.
I’m dead when I get home tonight.
Faux pas? After this morning, she sees me as a “foe pa.”
A-Rod has a chance to break the American League home run record; 61 in 61 by Roger Maris.
So the University of Michigan is now 0-2; losing the opener to a Division 1-AA school and then getting blasted this weekend vs. Oregon. Both games were at home. But maybe we should have realized something wasn’t right in Ann Arbor. Remember last year’s game vs. Ball State late in the season? Ball State, 3-6 at the time, was underdog by 34 points to the #2 and undefeated Michigan . . . . and Ball State had a chance to tie late in the 4th quarter. That should have been a hint that Michigan wasn’t the Michigan of old.
And while I’m talking football: I liked it when the New York Giants go 4-12. That means that next year they’ll be on every Sunday at 1:00. No Monday Night games, no late Sunday night games, no special Thursday night games. No one wants to see a bad Giants team and so they would not be scheduled for a nationally scheduled game. This is the way it was when I was younger. The Giants were bad, but I knew that when I came home from church, the Giants would be on right after the Bowery Boys and Slip Mahoney.
And in the time it took to write that, the Dallas Cowboys completed 6 more passes over the middle against the Giants defense.
And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . oops, no it isn’t.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Ontario, Canada, and now living in Seoul, South Korea, it’s Michael Van Dongen
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Jodie Foster; and Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. PLUS:The New iPod; The New Osama Video; Oprah’s Promo; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; Alan Kalter’s Celebrity Interview; a Top Ten List; Mark Twain Tonight; and Back To School Advice.
ACT 1
My Tuesday morning commute: 2 hours, 40 minutes. That is in my top 3 for the past 13 years here at the Late Show. And 2 hours and 20 minutes of that was getting to the George Washington Bridge. Half my trip took 2 hours 20 minutes; my 2nd half of the trip took 20 minutes. Oh, that mean whatever I did for the Wahoo on Monday is pretty much what you’re going to get. There is no Tuesday morning addition to the Monday Wahoo.
Jodie Foster is on tonight. Dave describes her as beguiling; a word he says he hasn’t used in 11 years. I checked my records and I think he used that word to describe Morgan Fairchild in 1996.
Apple unveiled its new iPod last week and Dave has one of the first models. It’s very impressive. It has a massive 120-gigabyte hard drive, an integrated wi-fi connection, a 3.5 inch display and a touch screen. But the best part? . . . . Dave takes a bite out of the new Apple iPod. He mumbles with a mouthful of iPod, “It’s edible.”
Did you see that Osama bin Laden video that came out a couple days ago? His beard is much darker. And if you watch the entire video, there was something odd else odd about it. We watch. Announce: “The Osama bin Laden Video, sponsored by ‘Just For Martyrs’ beard coloring products! Why not look your youthful best this jihad . . . with ‘Just For Martyrs.”
Dave was on the Oprah show earlier today and it was a wonderful experience, though he didn’t really like how they promoted it. We see a clip to show us what Dave was talking about. Announce: “Oprah’s in New York for a pair of very special shows! On Monday, join Oprah as she attempts an Impossible Makeover!” (shot of Dave) “Today on Oprah.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES
We see Harry S Truman.
We see Ronald Reagan.
We see George W. Bush: “Thanks for being such a fine host for the OPEC summit . . . . APEC summit!” Oops.
ACT 2: It’s back-to-school time, which can be difficult for many young people. Dave thought it would be nice to offer some advice to the kids.
1. Our cameraman, Dave Dorsett: “Learning a foreign language can be difficult. I’ve made great progress in French since I hired a tutor.” (sexy woman enters and stands beside Dorsett) “She makes learning Swedish fun.” DAVE: “I thought you said she tutored you in French.” DORSETT: “Does it really matter?”
2. Dave’s advice is not to worry if you don’t get straight A’s. Even a mediocre student can lead a fulfilling and successful life. We take a look at the jobs available to below average students in today’s market.
- Pop Star – Britney Spears
- President of the United States – George W. Bush
- Talk Show host - Dave
3. Let’s check in with Rupert. Rupert: “Start each day with a healthy breakfast. Or if you don’t have time to eat, try one of my Hello Deli breakfast shakes . . . . (shows breakfast shake to camera) . . . “made with milk, eggs, ham, sausage, and just a touch of real maple syrup.” Rupert chugs down the shake, most of it dripping down his shirt.
4. Our technical maintenance supervisor, Gary Mintz: “If it’s too hard to make friends, make a friend.” Cut to wide shot of a robot-like creation made by Gary. He speaks to his little robot: “Wanna go shopping tonight? Great. You’re my best pal.”
5.George Clarke: (close up) “Almost every school kid has nightmares about showing up to school and suddenly realizing they forgot to get dressed. My advice is, Relax.”
Shot widens to reveal George in his underpants. “If you got it, flaunt it.”
6. If it’s getting late and you still have homework to do, rest your eyes with a textbook on tape. Dave holds up a “Discovering Geometry – Third Edition” audio book. In a monotone, we hear the narrator: “There’s a square-looking thing and then a triangle and a little letter ‘a’ with a tiny 2 next to it. Then an upside down letter ‘u’ next to two lines with a squiggle on top. The a tube-shaped thingy. . . .” And on it continues.
7. Our costume designer, Susan Hum: “If I knew how to be a good student, you think I’d be working in this ‘djoy’ hole?”
8. Does Biff have some advice? : “Sure. Maybe there’s a kid in you class who’s kind of weird and creepy. Maybe nobody likes him, and everyone tries to avoid him. But if you reach out to him, you might find he’s actually a pretty cool guy. Watch.”
Biff walks over and stands by Dave’s desk. BIFF: “Hey, how’s it going?” DAVE: “Hi.” BIFF: (beat) “Man, you really are creepy.”
ACT 3 TOP TEN: Britney Spears Excuses: 9. “I haven’t been myself since Phil Rizzuto died” 8. “Too much soup.” Huh? 4. “Eddie Brill said the audience was people from out-of-town.”
JODIE FOSTER: She’s in the film The Brave One, opening this Friday. This summer she did a lot of traveling, including a trip to Iceland. Ahh, Iceland, it’s the new hot spot . . . and I don’t mean “new hot spot” as in global warming. I’ve been hearing a lot of good things about Iceland and I’ll be going there as soon as I get a free week and money to spend. Lots of glaciers and geysers and lava fields and whalewatching and puffins and lots of steaming neon blue water to soak in; plus in the summer you get almost 24 hours of daylight. Iceland: Look Into It.
Jodie’s been in show business for most of her life. As a kid of 6 she appeared in the TV series, “Gunsmoke.” She watched the episode recently with her kids. There was a big close up of her, and then it went to a wide shot. In the wide shot she says you can clearly see her picking her nose. Of course her kids thought this hilarious . The Brave One – it opens this Friday and it looks good and creepy.
ACT 4 ALAN KALTER’S CELEBRITY INTERVIEW DAVE: “It’s time once again for a favorite segment of ours: ‘Alan Kalter’s Celebrity Interview.’ Alan?
An angry Alan does not respond. DAVE: “Alan, are you going to say something?” ALAN: “Oh, I’m sorry, is my silence upsetting you? Well, perhaps I’d have more to say if you didn’t steal my act.” DAVE: “Not sure what you’re getting at, Alan.” ALAN: “Cut the crap, suckhole. You’ve known for weeks who tonight’s guest was for ‘Alan Kalter’s Celebrity Interview.’ Here, let me introduce you to her: two-time Academy Award winner Jodie Foster.”
(Camera widens to reveal Jodie Foster sitting next to Alan) ALAN: “By the way, can I get you some lip balm, Dave?” DAVE: “Uh, no. Why?” ALAN: “Because your lips look a little chapped from kissing her ass for the past ten minutes. (mocking) Oh, Jodie, will you be my best friend? Oh, Jodie, you’re my favorite person ever! (finished mocking) It was disgusting.” DAVE: “Alan, that’s not exactly how the interview went.” ALAN: “That’s exactly how it went! Mark my words, ‘sdd’hole, monkey around with my ‘djoy’ again and I’ll punch your dentures down your throat, you old bitch!”
(To Jodie) “You pull this ‘djoy’ again, sister, and you’re out of the business!” Alan exits angry.
Dave apologizes for Alan’s outburst.
ACT 5
“It’s time for a U.S. Open Update!
It’s over!
This has been a U.S. Open Update.
Keep on keepin’ on.”
ACT 6
Dave was on Oprah earlier today and when she asked what he likes to do with Harry, Dave froze. He could come up with nothing. He says he could have told this story:
Dave and Harry went out for a drive to get Harry’s ice skates. They arrived at the local ice skate place but when they arrived, they couldn’t find a parking space. They drove around the store once but still not spot. There was one spot available, but it wasn’t actually a parking space. Harry pipes up in the back and says “What about that one?!” Dave sizes it up but realizes it isn’t a legal spot. Dave drives around the store again but still no spot. Harry again calls out, “What about that one?” Dave drives around twice, three times, and then another few times; each time Harry asks about that spot. Says Harry after the 6th or 7th trip around, “What about that one? That looks like the best spot ever!” By now, Dave has to agree. He pulls in to the spot. Harry and Dave get out and start walking to the store. A cop approaches, “Hey, you can’t park there.” Dave sheepishly responds, “Well, somebody told me I could.”
And now it’s time to celebrate one of America’s most beloved humorists with an excerpt from “Mark Twain Tonight.”
The curtain rises. In the simple setting, we see a seated Mark Twain, played by Johnny Dark. MARK TWAIN: “Oh, sorry, I didn’t hear you come in. Twain’s the name, Mark Twain. I came in with Halley’s Comet in 1835, and when it’s my time, I’ll go out with Halley’s Comet, as well. I come from modest means. My family was so poor, if I hadn’t been born a boy, I would have had nothing at all to play with.”
Rim Shot.
“Overall, I’d say I get very little respect. I told my son about the birds and the bees. Then he told me about the mailman and my wife.”
Rim Shot.
“I remember the first time I made love to my wife, she started crying. I said, ‘Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?’ She said, ‘No, I hate myself now.’”
Rim Shot.
“Well, I’d best be going. Wednesday’s the night Mrs. Twain lets me take my steamboat up her Mississippi.”
Rim Shot.
“Good night.”
Oddly, Mark Twain sounded a lot like Abraham Lincoln.
ACT 7 Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova: from the “Once” soundtrack, Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova performed “Falling Slowly.”
And that was our show for Monday September 10, 2007.
DAMN! Damn damn damn! I was so hyped about Oprah being in New York that I forgot to phone in and for Springsteen tickets.
If you saw Britney Spears at the MTV Awards Sunday night, you were mistaken. It was Kirstie Alley.
Now that my girls get the school bus at 6:55 AM, I’m free to head to work any time after that. In the past, I wouldn’t get out of the house till 8:20 AM. Now for the past week I’ve been starting my commute at 7:15 . . . . and the ride in is awful. I expected the drive in to be worse than usual, but not this bad! If you think I’ve complained about traffic in the past, just wait. You’re heard nothing yet.
A major faux pas this morning. My girls get on the bus for school. Denise says, “Is this Danielle’s flash drive? She needs it for school!” I don’t know much about computers. I’m lost after “mouse.” I didn’t want to do it but my wife insisted I stop the bus when it made it’s way around the cul-de-sac and ask Danielle if she forgot her flash drive. I told her I didn’t think this was a good idea. I stopped the bus when they were in the 1sy grade, they are now in 6th, and Dominique is still mortified. But Denise insisted and so I did. The bus stopped and I mumbled to the driver, “she’s gonna hate me.” I take two steps up and look for Danielle. I see her and ask, “Is this your flash drive?” With a terrified look in her eye, she shakes her head no. I say nothing and leave.
I’m dead when I get home tonight.
Faux pas? After this morning, she sees me as a “foe pa.”
A-Rod has a chance to break the American League home run record; 61 in 61 by Roger Maris.
So the University of Michigan is now 0-2; losing the opener to a Division 1-AA school and then getting blasted this weekend vs. Oregon. Both games were at home. But maybe we should have realized something wasn’t right in Ann Arbor. Remember last year’s game vs. Ball State late in the season? Ball State, 3-6 at the time, was underdog by 34 points to the #2 and undefeated Michigan . . . . and Ball State had a chance to tie late in the 4th quarter. That should have been a hint that Michigan wasn’t the Michigan of old.
And while I’m talking football: I liked it when the New York Giants go 4-12. That means that next year they’ll be on every Sunday at 1:00. No Monday Night games, no late Sunday night games, no special Thursday night games. No one wants to see a bad Giants team and so they would not be scheduled for a nationally scheduled game. This is the way it was when I was younger. The Giants were bad, but I knew that when I came home from church, the Giants would be on right after the Bowery Boys and Slip Mahoney.
And in the time it took to write that, the Dallas Cowboys completed 6 more passes over the middle against the Giants defense.
And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . oops, no it isn’t.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Ontario, Canada, and now living in Seoul, South Korea, it’s Michael Van Dongen
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • Apple's New iPod • Oprah Promos Dave's Appearance • Osama Video • Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
