Cold Open: Dave and Jude backstage. Jude is reading the USA Today.
DAVE: "Those the TV listings?"
JUDE: "Yes."
DAVE: Does it say tonight's show is a rerun?"
JUDE: "No, it's an original episode."
DAVE: "Aw, crap! I'd better get out there!" Dave runs out.

ACT 1
A woman had asked Dave what New York City he recommends for her. Dave suggests one of those snow globes are always a good idea. Do we have one for her? We found two, neither looking good enough to present as a gift. We'd have to do better than that. We find one that meets our standard and as Dave brings the snowglobe to the woman, Paul and the band play "Old Turkey Buzzard."

Lindsay Lohan was arrested yesterday and her mug shot was released just hours later. Dave asks if we have it.7 Appears on the screen is the famous mug shot of Nick Nolte. Big laugh, then the screen goes to static. We come up on a videotape cassette being ejected from a machine. We are in the Late Show videotape room.
TOM: "Hi, folks, I'm Tom Catusi, Late Show videotape operator. Instead of showing you Lindsay Lohan's mug shot, I accidentally showed you Nick Nolte's. I know you're thinking we were making a joke about Lindsay's current condition, but it was an honest mistake. A mistake that perhaps could've been avoided if I hadn't spent all those years up to my ass in happy powder. Let that be a lesson ---- stay off the junk, kids. That's a split-fingered fastball of wisdom coming at you straight from the Tom Cat."
Tom points; freeze.
Announce: "This message has been brought to you by the National Council of Churches. Back to you, Dave."

It's now time for "CNN: The Most Trusted Name in News."
We see CNN's curmudgeon Jack Cafferty.
Jack: "I'm wondering if it's possible to get the Lindsay Lohan D.U.I. script out of the teleprompter and my script in it?" Jack ain't happy. He continues: "Here's some . . . okay, apparently it's not."

This week in San Francisco, Hillary Clinton was reportedly the target of topless female protesters. But as more details become available, it seems the reports may have been an exaggeration. We see this announcement.
Announcer:

"This week, the media reported that several women infiltrated Hillary Clinton's San Francisco campaign headquarters and removed their shirts in protest of the Senator's views on Iraq. Upon further investigation, however, we have found that only one person removed their shirt, and while witnesses told police that person was a female protester, it turned out it was just an overheated Al Gore." (photo of a fat and shirtless Al Gore) "Al Gore: Stacked!"

ACT 2
Oy vey.
Dave has a buddy who tracks the lives of today's celebrities. He forwarded what he found on one Ms. Lohan.
A DAY IN THE LIFE OF LINDSAY LOHAN 5:00 AM - "Gets home."

Uh oh. Where is the "Gets home" over the Lindsay Lohan photo? There is a photo . . . there is a time . . . there is no joke written out. I hope it's just for this one. Dave is reading from the blue cards and does not notice.

6:00 AM - "Checks gossip websites to see what she did after blacking out."
Still not joke printed out. Dang! The audience expects to be able to hear and read the joke off the monitor. I can tell from their reaction that they realize something isn't quite right. Dave continues.

9:00 AM - "Goes to the doctor because she's feeling 'funny' --- Doctor tells her she's sober."
10:00 AM - "Uses alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet to pry open a bottle of Heinekin."
Dave receives a note. He is informed that the joke Dave reads does not print out on the screen. He questions why not. He is told to keep going and it'll be fixed after the show.

10:30 AM - "Practices poses for future mug shots"
Now the photo doesn't match the joke, and the time isn't coordinated. This is a mess. Dave keeps going on.

Noon - "Huddles with P.R. team to decide if she's suffering from "dehydration" or "exhaustion"
Nothing is meshing. The whole thing is a disaster. It's as if it was put together by Lindsay Lohan herself.

2:00 PM -"Decides to quit drinking"
Wrong picture. Wrong time.

2:15 PM - "Celebrates decision with a tall, cool, frosty one."

Johnny Dark enters dressed as a State Trooper. He is writing out a ticket for Dave. Dave asks, "What's this?" The State Trooper says, "It's a ticket . . . for exceeding . . . the speed limit!" DOH! The unflappable Johnny messed up his line. Oh, the humanity! The executive producer decides it's best to jump ship and to save those that we can. It was uncomfortable in my seat, as it was for many others. We'll come back and try it again later.
What was Johnny supposed to say? "It's a ticket . .. for exceeding the legal limit of hilariousness." Exits laughing a sarcastic laugh.

ACT 3
CATHERINE ZETA JONES: Catherine is just back from Wales, where she is from. The kids are still there and getting spoiled rotten by their grandparents. It'll take about 3 weeks to get them back to normal. Catherine is trying to give the children a sense of their British heritage, teaching them bits of the Welsh language. Dave asks to hear some Welsh and Catherine complies. Dave thinks Catherine may be just making it up. Did you know the Welsh word for bellybutton is "boogle"? Michael (Michael Douglas, her husband) and Catherine live in Bermuda. Michael recently recertified for SCUBA but Catherine still shies away from it. She admits that if she saw anything she's immediately spit out her mouthpiece and fly up to the surface, sure she'd get the bends.
Dave knows Michael and Catherine are avid golfers, in fact the last time she was here, Catherine drove a ball in our theater while wearing stilettos. Does Dave remember that? Oh, yes, Dave remembers that. He's glad she reminded him. Dave thought it may have been a dream. Catherine says when she plays golf with the guys, there is one rule: If one of the guys duffs his drive and the shot doesn't make it to the women's tees, he has to take off his pants. This happened to Michael once when there were photographers around. Michael tried to talk his way out of it, but Catherine was adamant. I think if Catherine told me to take off my pants, I'd do it without question. Catherine's new film, "No Reservations," opens Friday. Catherine plays a chef who is suddenly saddled with a load of new responsibilities. Did she learn anything while making the film? Well, she did learn how to do the tablecloth trick. And we just so happen to have a table setting set up back stage. The scrim rises and Catherine is invited to try her tablecloth trick of pulling the tablecloth off a table while the table setting remains in place. She warns that she is out of practice. Catherine tries the tablecloth trick. She gives the tablecloth a hard pull . . . off comes the tablecloth . . . and the china comes with it. Nice try. I think I'll try it at home tonight.

During the commercial break, Paul and the band play "Honky Tonk Woman" by the Stones. They've been playing a lot of Rolling Stones this week. I like it.

ACT 4
While Dave recaps his time with Catherine Zeta Jones, we suddenly hear a drumroll and Alan bellow, "Mitch Stevenson! Come on down!"
"Price is Right" music; spotlights search the audience. We find Mitch Stevenson jumping with glee in the audience. He comes running down on stage and stands right next to Dave. After a moment of nothing, Mitch asks, "What do I do now?"
Dave thinks a second and answers, "I have no idea. Why don't you go sit down?" Mitch runs back and we go to commercial.

ACT 5
Announce: "It's time for 'Late Show Did You Know?'
Did you know that tonight's Late Show audience is being exposed to trace amounts of asbestos?
This has been 'Late Show Did You Know?' See you in hell, punks."

Right around here I'm hearing we may not go back to fix "A Day in the Life of Lindsay Lohan." Huh? You mean we're going to keep it as it is?

ACT 6
BOB SARLATTE: "Bay Area" Bob is a bit jealous over the reception Catherine Zeta Jones received when she first entered the theater out on 53rd Street. The crowd was joyous. When Bob arrived, he heard one guy say, "Who's the guy in the Confirmation slacks?"
How's Bob's summer? Bob says he likes to go to amusement parks. He likes to go out and show off his skills at knocking down milk bottles. He takes his daughter. There's nothing like spending a hundred bucks to win a pair of Chinese handcuffs. I laughed at that. There must be a tacky story as to why they are called Chinese handcuffs. I've called them that for years and often wondered why, but never looked it up.
Bob is also at the age when he's going to a lot of graduation parties. His daughter is at that high school/college age and Bob finds himself going to these galas with her. Going to parties have changed. He finds that HE is now the oldest person at the party, one of those people having cake and coffee in the front room.

Bob Sarlatte is the field announcer for the San Francisco 49ers --- 24 years now --- and now has a radio show in the Bay area. Bob does a show on WVYN, "The Vine" in Napa, California. He and his partner like to do theme shows with oldies that hit the charts but are distinctive in some way, such as:
-The shortest song on the charts? Paul runs through his mental rolodex and guesses "Stay" by Morris Williams and the Zodiacs. And he's right! Also on the short list, "The Letter." It was shorter than you think.
-The longest song? "El Paso." These long songs are known as "bathroom records" because when it was played, it gave the DJ enough time to go to the bathroom. -Worst rhyme? Bob says at the top of the list is "Color Him Father" by the Winstons. "He loves my mother, and I can tell when he looks at my little sister, Nell."
Bob started out in radio and remembers his first "shout jingle" at KVEZ. Unfortunately, they sang out "Sarlitt, and not "Sarlott". They wouldn't do a redo.
It must be exciting in San Francisco these days with Barry Bonds ready to break baseball's home run record. Bob likes his Giants but admits the steroids stories surround Bonds may be true. In fact, his head is so big, it took three groundskeepers to unfurl his hat.
And the team is so old. Just last week, two guys on the team tested positive for Anusol. And their shortstop wears a "Do Not Resuscitate" wrist band.
And that's Bob Sarlatte - I always enjoy his appearances. He'll be opening for Gladys Knight at the Staglin Family Winery Music Festival in Napa later this summer.

ACT 7
PORTER WAGONER: From his CD, "Wagonmaster," Porter Wagoner, along with Marty Stuart and his Fabulous Superlatives, performed "Albert Erving."

And that was our show for Wednesday, July 25, 2007.



So what happened tonight? Uhhh, lots of things. I often wonder if it is better to make 10 errors in one game or 1 error in ten consecutive games? Tonight we got the former. Of course, neither of the above is what we would really want. I was talking to a woman the other day whose daughter had just played in a playoff softball game. The team did very well the whole year but in Sunday's game the team lost 10 - 0. It would have been worse but they were saved by the "mercy rule." She said troubles started with the very first play. An easy throw was over thrown. After that, it was one mistake after the other, as if it was the first time the girls had ever played softball. I've been there many times myself. And that's what tonight's show felt like for awhile. The first domino fell, and then it knocked over the next one and then the next one and then the next one.

Art, our 12th floor receptionist, always asks me as I wait for the elevator to go to the show how it looks for tonight. I always say the same thing: "This could be the best show of the year, or it could be the worst show of the year. I'll let you know in about an hour."

Changes were made before the show that apparently got shuffled. The times and pictures and jokes weren't matched up correctly. Now all I want to do is do another show and then another show and then another show. I want to get as many shows between me and last night's show as I can.

More stories from the St. Louis Gateway Arch: Mike Henderson, East Windsor, New Jersey:

"I don't have a thrilling story about the Gateway Arch, but I did go to college in St. Louis. It was an aviation college, and the students were always trying to figure out a way to fly a small plane through the Arch without getting caught. As I remember it, the main problem was that the buildings of downtown St. Louis were too close to the west side of the Arch, which would have required some serious aerobatics."

Mike, I live in Canada and I've never been anywhere near St. Louis and even I knew you could go to the top of the Arch.

When rooting for the Yankees, I always root harder for the guys who came up through the system. Most Yankee fans do. Guys like Jeter, Posada, Robinson Cano, Melky Cabrera, Andy Phillips, Mariano. And now I'm reading about 3 pitching studs ready to come up this year, or at the latest, next. But as always, there are whispers about a last-second trade before the trade deadline. Fine, just as long as they don't trade one of their young pitchers: Phil Hughes, Joba Chamberlain, or Ian Kennedy.

Hmm, it was Paris, Lindsay, and then Britney . . . we should be hearing from Nicole any day now.

5 months till Christmas.

I'm sorry, but that's all I got tonight. I'm not in much of a writing mood.

*And now, even more useless information from "The Ultimate Book of Useless Information" by Neil Botham & The Useless Information Society.
- the term "maverick" came from Texas rancher Sam Maverick, who refused to brand his calves
- the highest scoring 3-letter word in Scrabble is "zax," which is a tool for cutting and trimming roof slates
- a trilemma is a dilemma with a third alternative
- the single dot over the lower case i is called "tipple"
- the term "strike" originated in 1768 when British sailors refused to work and showed this by striking, or lowering, the sails on their ships.

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . oops, no it isn't.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Long Beach, Long Island, it's Linda Kellerman
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER