". . . .and now, State Department loose cannon . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Monologue Joke: "The New 7 Wonders of the World were announced. Congratulations to Donald Trump's hair." Except Dave stumbled over Donald's last name and 'mistakenly' called him Donald Chump. At least I think it was a mistake.

The annual running of the bulls is being held all this week in Spain, so we go LIVE via satellite to Pamplona to see how it's going. We see a street scene in Pamplona. It is barren. It is empty. It is silent except for a few creaking crickets. Nothing is happening. Dave then receives word that it is 5:45 in the morning in Pamplona and nothing is happening.

And here in New York, we have our own thrilling tradition that excites many just as much as running with the bulls. It's New York's Running With The Cabs! We see a scene of 53rd Street of 10 or so tourists running as three yellow taxi cabs give chase. If you missed this clip, don't worry. We'll probably show it again next year.

For the past few weeks, we have been highlighting passages from Ronald Reagan's personal diaries. People have found them so illuminating that Dave decided to share some excerpts from his own diaries. We take a look at the first installment of the "Letterman Diaries" Announce:

"November 5th, 2006. Staffers, crew members, and interns are always coming and going. It's impossible to keep all their names straight. That's why, from now on, I have decided to just call everyone 'Shecky.'
This has been an excerpt from the 'Letterman Diaries.'"

ACT 2:
FUN FACTS: Included in today's packet of Fun Facts from the FBMI is a note announcing a $500 reward for information about whoever stole the "B" from the FBMI headquarters. We see an embarrassing shot of the FBMI building without the B.

FUN FACTS:
-An olive tree can live 1,500 years
-Mexico City is sinking at a rate of 18 inches per year
-A shrimp's heart is in its head
-Shaquille O'Neal was conceived in Radio Shack
-Gerald Ford is the only United States President to have walked on the moon
-Babe Ruth's last words were, "The money's on the dresser."
-Lenny Kravitz has two brothers Benn Kravitz and Kenny Kravitz
-The average person burns 19 calories giving someone the finger
-In Los Angeles, there are more breast implants than people
-To create a nurturing, non-judgmental atmosphere, many Math teachers now tell children that no numbers are truly negative
-The most influential invention in history: The Printing Press.
The least influential invention in history: The Tasseled Loafer
-Shortly before the end of his life, Elvis Presley was planning to do a film called Viva Pie"
-The Manhattan Project was followed by the New England Project, which was similar but used a thicker, cream-based chowder
-Join Jay and his guests Delta Burke, Garth Brooks, Tommy Lasorda, and funny man Bobby Kelton.
-In 1983, the Major League Baseball All-Star Game was played without a ball
-Just as Larry is short for Lawrence, Gary is short for Gawrence -At age 92, fitness legend Jack Lalanne still begins each day by beating up scrawny guys at the beach
-Because of cigarette burns in the carpet, Dwight Eisenhower didn't get his White House security deposit back
-According to the Gospel of Luke, Jesus could also turn water into Fresca
-Albert Einstein's second most favorite theory was "Mashed Potatoes plus Gravy equals Delicious."
-To save money on alimony, Larry King once married and divorced himself

And dems da fax.

ACT 3:
QUEEN LATIFAH: I was on stage for this segment, double-checking something for later in the show. Even though I've been here for 13 years and I sit about 30 feet away from the stage in a shack backstage, I rarely get to see the show LIVE. I watch the show with 5 others on a monitor backstage. It's a lot more exciting watching it out on stage.
Queen Latifah recently purchased a Fatburger franchise that she plans to open in South Beach, Florida. Paul well remembers his visits to Fatburger in L.A., as does Dave.
Queen Latifah stars in the surefire summer hit, "Hairspray." It opens next Friday. This is the film where John Travolta plays a heavy-set mom to one of the young girls in the film. Latifah says she rarely saw John out of costume and makeup and only knew him as Edna. I haven't seen any of the prior "Hairspray" offerings but I'm looking forward to this one. I think it'll be fun to watch it with my girls.

ACT 4:
WILLT IT FLOAT? Tonight's item? Alan tells us.
ALAN: "Hi, I'm Alan Kalter, TV's Sheriff Weaver. Dave, it's a 5-pound box of Miracle Gro All-Purpose Plant Food!"
DAVE: "And what are we playing for tonight?"
ALAN: "We're playing for a TV!"
Fanfare from Paul . . . . no quick shot of a TV. Where is the shot of the TV? I'm screaming at the monitor back in the shack, but not because of the missing shot of the TV. I'm screaming at something else.
Dave was probably wondering why there was no quick shot of the TV we were playing for so he asks for some more information.
DAVE: "What kind of TV?"
ALAN: " . . . A really big TV!"
There is a slight sense of confusion. We see our Executive Producer Barbara Gaines lean over and whisper something into Alan's ear explaining what went wrong. Alan once again addresses the microphone and as if nothing went wrong, announces: ALAN: "Dave, tonight we're playing for an ATV!"
Fanfare from Paul; a quick shot of an ATV. Dave laughs at the honest error and could understand how such a mistake could be made . . . I hope.
Dave defends Alan's miscue by holding up the cue card from which Alan read. The card read: "Playing For - A TV". There was just enough space between the A and the T to think it may be it "a TV." Ooops. I guess I should have checked that before the show. Although everyone seemed to enjoy the goof, I kicked the wall in anger and disappointment and hurt my toe.

Oh, yeah, the Miracle Gro floated.

And then a gentleman enters behind Dave and leans up relaxed against the wall. He appears to be a doctor or a shrink of some sort.
GUY: "Dave, how to you think 'Will It Float' went tonight?"
DAVE: "It seemed okay."
GUY: "How long have you been doing 'Will It Float?'?"
DAVE: "A few years ago."
GUY: "And do you realize that everyone hates it?"
DAVE: "Yes, I do."
GUY: "But you keep doing it . . ."
DAVE: "Every week."
GUY: "Are you rebelling against something? Does it empower you to do it, knowing there's no chance it will be considered entertaining?"
DAVE: "I don't think so."
GUY: "Are you taking repressed hostility you feel toward someone else, and displacing is by subjecting your audience to such vicious punishment every week?"
DAVE: "I'm not really sure."
Paul jumps into the conversation.
PAUL: "Excuse me, Dave? Is that somebody from the network?"
DAVE: "I have no idea."
GUY: (sighs) "You're pathetic." Exits.

ACT 5:
ALAN ZWEIBEL: author of the Thurber award-winning book, "The Other Shulman." Alan was last here in 1994, 13 years ago, for his book "Bunny Bunny" about his friendship with Gilda Radner. His appearance really went well and the producer came up to him afterwards and told him there is an open invitation for him to come back at any time. He says he waited 13 years because he didn't want to be pushy.
Alan has written for Saturday Night Live, "It's Garry Shandling's Show" and "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Comedy writing was not his idea, though. That decision was made 30 years ago by every law school in America He did not score well on the law boards. In fact, his score classified him as a 'mineral.' His parents sent him to law boarding school. His score improved 11 points. Not a good investment for $1000. He then went into comedy writing and became successful, which I guess means you don't have to be smart to be a successful comedy writer.

ACT 6:
ALAN ZWEIBEL - reading from his book, "The Other Shulman." Very funny story about a writing class in school. I'll be picking up this book for my summertime read.

ACT 7:
SMASHING PUMPKINS: From their new CD, "Zeitgeist," Smashing Pumpkins performed "Starz."

And that was our show for Friday, July 13, 2007.



Also up for the "Thurber Prize for American Humor" was our own Bill Scheft for his book, "Time Won't Let Me."

Upon further review, I think this Miss Jersey thing has another side to it. The photos revealed weren't at all blackmailable. I smell a rat. I wouldn't be surprised to find out that Miss New Jersey had something to do with this herself. I'm not saying she did, I'm just saying I wouldn't be surprised.

I laughed when I heard this sound-bite the other day. Fred Thompson is at a podium and with great conviction and seriousness and in a bold, assured voice about his running for President, proclaims, "I'm clearly thinking about it." As if that answers any questions.

I watched a little of the New York Yankees Old-Timers Day the other day. A Yankee Old-Timers Day used to be very special. The greatest Major Leaguers of all time would come to 161st Street in the Bronx to play a simple two-inning game against the greatest living Yankees. It was a thrill to see all that greatness on one field at one time. But now it's different. No longer do the greatest players come to the Yankee's Old-Timers games. Now the Yankees play the Yankees. And the caliber of players have become watered down. Instead of a Johnny Bench getting up there to swing against Whitey Ford, we got Homer Bush batting against Dick Tidrow. Yawn. I don't know why this is. Perhaps the big stars charge a big appearance fee? Or is it because Yankee management thinks Yankee fans are too Yankee-centric to appreciate Hall of Famers from other teams. Either way, today's Yankee Old-Timers games are no longer special.

And now it's time for another installment of "Cynical Mike."
I think someone on "our" side is fiddling with our imports from China. Bad toothpaste from China, bad pet food from China . . . before you know it, no one will want to buy anything from our leading trade competitor, China.
This concludes another installment of "Cynical Mike."

I got the fishing bug. Last week I was up in Lake George, New York and tried my hand at some fishing. I haven't done any freshwater fishing in 12 years, and before that it was another 10 years. I had two poles, one each from my daughters. It turned out that Dominique had no interest in fishing. She explained, "It's so stupid. You have to put a disgusting worm on a hook and you get fish guts all over your hands, and then you catch a slippery fish that looks and smells disgusting. It's stupid. No thanks, Dad." I laughed at her well thought-out decision and found it hard to disagree with her. Danielle was eager to drop a line. She baited her own hook and we fished off the dock. We would catch a sunny with almost every drop of a line. We enjoyed our fishing time together but she eventually got bored and went swimming in the lake. I continued fishing. I put a lure on my pole in hopes of landing something other than a sunny. After a few casts without luck, I felt my enthusiasm waning. I took the other pole with the worm on it and fished with that for awhile. After 10 minutes of fun and 5 fish, I went back to the lure. This routine continued for another 30 minutes. Whenever I got bored with the lure, I would switch over and catch sunnies with a worm.

And then back to the lure . . . . and I got a hit! My first reaction: "What a dumb fish! It's a lure! It's not a worm! Why would a fish bite into a plastic lure?" I brought the fish up to the dock, admired my non-sunny, and eventually got the hook out of its mouth. I placed the fish back into Lake George so I could possibly catch it again later. A guy about 50 feet to my left with a big box of fishing tackle by his feet calls out, "What did you get?" I called back, "A fish!" I can see him roll his eyes. He says with a tired sigh, "What kind of fish?" I have no idea what kind of fish. He calls out again, "Big mouth or a small mouth?" I hem and haw. I answer, "Uhh. . . . the mouth was about the size of a nickel." He mutters something to himself and ends the conversation. I smile, noticing his pole hadn't been bent all day.

So where were you when David Beckham was officially introduced as a member of the L.A. Galaxy?

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Highstown, New Jersey, it's Laurie Finn
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER