" . . . and now, here to present today's farm report . . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1:
On the show tonight, Diddy. Dave runs through the long list of names our first guest has gone through, from Puff Daddy to P.Diddy to Diddy. And why has Diddy dropped the "P"? Paul explains, "Because it got between him and his audience."

Also on the show, musical group Spoon, who Dave says originally went by the name T-Spoon. Oh, boy, I enjoyed that dose of silliness.

The "Transformers" was the number one movie over the weekend. Dave took his son to see it on Saturday and Dave wasn't all that blown away. He has a clip to share.
We see a scene from "Transformers." It's a toaster on a kitchen counter. Nearby is a waffle iron. After a beat, the toaster pops and fires a laser at the waffle iron, blowing it up.

As Dave is describing the special effects, we are interrupted by this news break. Shot of the Department of Homeland Security Seal.
Announce:

"We interrupt this program for a bulletin from the Department of Homeland Security.
Although he had not specific evidence, Homeland Security secretary Michael Chertoff recently announced he had a 'gut feeling' that a terror attack may be coming. But upon closer inspection, Secretary Chertoff realized his gut feeling was the result of some bad Steak-Umms. So we are lowering the terror threat level back to 'Everything's Fine.'
We now return you to 'Uncle Dave's Comedy Nuthouse,' already in progress."

And we'll be right back right after this message from Apple.
We see Gerard Mulligan as the PC. We see Chris Elliott as the Mac. Or vice versa.
Chris brags about his brand new iPhone he is holding up to his ear. Mulligan doubts it's an actual iPhone. Upon closer inspection, Mulligan discovers it is nothing but an Altoids tin. Mulligan throws it away and exits with a laugh. Chris explains he hasn't worked in a while. Chris then does a quick audition, promoting his knack at doing dialects. He does them so well, I was able to understand his Italian and I don't know Italian.

Dave begins to go on to the next subject matter but is interrupted by the bellow of the director over the P.A. system.
JERRY: "Hey, Letterman! Letterman! Hey, Letterman!"
DAVE: I'm sorry, that's our director. Is there a problem, Jerry?"
We cut to find Jerry in the Control Room. He is not pleased.
JERRY: "Yeah, you never shut up! If people wanted to see some old bitch whining about life, they'd watch 'The View.'"
DAVE: "Well, you know, I'm doing the best I can."
JERRY: "Oh, yeah, what do you know about TV? I only spent four years directing (points to his hat) 'Wheel of 'givl'ing Fortune!' I forget, which one of us was once told 'Nice Job' by Pat Sajak?!"
DAVE: "That was you."
JERRY: "You're damn right! When you have the body of work of a Pat Sajak, then you can ad-lib. Hate to burst your bubble, Princess, but you ain't Pat Sajak!" (to the technical director) "Take 2.")
Back to Dave, who mutters an apologetic, "I'll try and do better."

ACT 2:
Back from commercial, we find Dave relaxing in the living room setting. Near him is a lovely aerial photo of a sprawling development surrounded by trees, mountains, and lakes. He speaks directly to the camera
DAVE: "Hi, I'd like to take a moment to talk to you about Crescent Springs Village. Located 47 miles west of Huntsville, Alabama, Crescent Springs Village is a resort community like no other, overflowing with fantastic properties at affordable prices.
It's the perfect place to build your dream home. It has eleven glistening lakes for swimming, fishing, and boating. Looking for more? The area has everything from antique shops to fine art galleries, satisfying even the most discerning shopper. And don't forget the championship 18-hole golf course designed by the one and only Lou Bannister. Property at Crescent Springs Village is so affordable, it'll knock your socks off! Visit our website today for more information. (www.cbs.com/lateshow/crescentsprings/promotionaloffer)
Just enter the keyword "DAVE" and get started. Hurry. An opportunity like this comes along once in a lifetime. What are you waiting for?"
Logo flies in.
Announce from Alan: "Crescent Springs Village: Paradise is waiting."

TOP TEN: Least Popular Conversation Starters
6. "Here kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty."
5. "If you were a woman, I bet you'd be pretty."
3. "Hi, I'm Shecky."

ACT 3:
DIDDY: His show on MTV, "Making the Band 4," airs Mondays at 10:00PM. It's sort of like an "American Idol" but with band hopefuls. This program offers lots more behinds footage of the process of being selected to make the band. How many will make the band this season? That's yet to be determined.
Since we last time Diddy was here, he became the daddy of twins. His twin daughters are now 6 months old. This made for a very busy Father's Day for Diddy, as he is now a Diddy daddy to 5. Diddy feels like a kid himself, so it still surprises him to find that he's a dad to 5 kids.
Diddy may not seem totally himself tonight since he's been getting shots for his upcoming trip to Africa. He admits to not being a needle person and does not look forward to getting all these shots, but it's required for his trip to Africa. Later in the segment, we see Diddy swatting at an annoying fly buzzing around his head. This continues two or three times. Dave points out, "Lucky you got those shots." Big laugh from me.
How did Diddy spend his summers as a New York youth? Diddy explains that his mom did a very wise thing and sent him to the Amish country to live with the Amish and learn their ways. No electricity, horse and carriage, it was a real culture shock . . . for both sides I'd imagine. Diddy's mom called it his vacation. Diddy didn't considered shoveling manure and working the farm and milking the cows as much a vacation For more Diddy, catch him on "Making The Band 4" on MTV, Mondays at 10:00 PM.

ACT 4:
Dave has a little ethical dilemma. Last night on his way home, he stopped off to pick up some . . . . some . . . Mountain Dew. One of those big 2-quart bottles. He got into a conversation with the person behind the counter and not until later did Dave realize he was given 20 cents too much back in change. Dave can't decide whether to go out of his way and return such a small amount or just keep it? Dave ponders, I wonder what Abraham Lincoln would do? The lights dim, then darken . . . the lights then slowly lift. Behind Dave, we see . . . . . Abraham Lincoln. Abe speaks.
LINCOLN: "Wow, big dilemma there. In my day, the biggest problem with milk was the lack of pasteurization which results in four score of my buddies dying of Burcellosis. (Dave buries his head in his hands and begins to laugh) Anyway, the answer to your question is clear. Honest Abe says you should . . . WHOA!"
Mr. Lincoln dives behind Dave's desk.
DAVE: "Abe? Abe? Is everything all right?
LINCOLN: (peering over the desk's edge) "Sorry, I was scared by a weird-looking guy in the balcony." (Abe stands) Son of a bitch! Listen, look toward the better angels of your nature and give the twenty cents back,"
The lights dim and Abe disappears.

What Dave found so funny was his attempt to jazz up the set-up just a bit. He thought his purchasing Mountain Dew would be funnier than buying milk.
Unfortunately, Abraham Lincoln was scripted to respond to milk, not Mountain Dew. Another note, it was scripted that Dave would have found he had 40 cents extra, not 20 cents. I went running to the President seconds before he went on the point out that his final line should be 20 cents, not 40, but by the time I got there two people were already advising him of the switch.

ACT 5:
Alan Kalter: "This is Alan Kalter reminding you to help control the pet population and have your giant squid spayed or neutered. It's not only good for your pet, but it's good for the environment. We'll be right back in two and two."

ACT 6:
Dave again explains his error in trying to make the Abraham Lincoln bit funnier by changing "milk" to "Mountain Dew." And now Abe's all upset with Dave. Hopefully he'll agree to come back.

EMMA WATSON: She's starring in the new Harry Potter film, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix." She has been in all of the Harry Potter films but has never acted in anything else.
The 17-year-old Emma is still in high school and plans on attending college, though will first enjoy a gap year. A gap year? She explains that's when you take an off year between your last year of high school and your first year of college studies. I did that, too, but instead of calling it a "gap" year, I called it Freshman year.
And being 17, that means driving! Emma is now taking driving lessons, though certainly not from her mom. Even as a pre-teen, Emma knew that her mom was not a very good driver. And mom hasn't improved much over the years. I know the type. They tend to park "by ear."
What did Emma do for fun as a kid? She explains the art of English punting, where you push yourself down a river in a flat-bottomed boat. She still cringes at a swan attack from years ago. Dave is familiar with punting, but in the States we usually only do it on 4th and long.
"Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix" is in theaters now. We see a clip, but first we enjoy a phony Shecky clip. These always make me laugh.

ACT 7:
SPOON: From their new CD/Album, "Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga," Spoon performed "The Underdog."

And that was our show for Wednesday, July 11, 2007.



*If you're keeping score at home, Dave participated in 3 skits tonight.

*Sad news: Lady Bird Johnson, the wife of our 36th president, Lyndon Baines Johnson, died yesterday at the age of 94. And I said, "Hasn't she always been 94?"
In 1967, she was 54. I'm almost that age now, and that's scary.

*So I was watching the All-Star game Tuesday night. The 9th inning suddenly becomes interesting when the National League scores two runs and load the bases down by 1. The American League has the hard-throwing Angels' closer Frank Rodriguez on the mound. Due up for the National League is Phillies centerfielder Aaron Rowland; a nice hitter. But sitting on the bench for the National League is one of the game's most feared sluggers Albert Pujols. I have him as baseball's best hitter, although many would say it is A-Rod. Anyway, it's bases loaded, 9th inning, National League down by one. The situation screams out for Albert Pujols to come to the plate to pinch hit for Rowland. Nothing against Aaron Rowland, but this would be a classic match-up in the mid-season baseball classis, the All-Star game. These situations do not come along every day. One moment that reminded me of this was the 1977 World Series with Yankees Reggie Jackson facing Dodgers Bob Welch. Reggie struck out in this similar situation. So what does National League manager Tony LaRussa do? He lets Aaron Rowland hit. He doesn't create the classic match-up that the whole baseball world wanted to see. Such an opportunity . . . . missed. It wouldn't matter how it ended . . . it would have been greatly entertaining either way. But LaRussa dropped the ball and lets a classic situation succumb to the routine and soon-forgettable. Oh, well.
And I've since heard . . . though I'm not sure how true it is . . . but I heard that manager Tony LaRussa was called in as a consultant for the final scene of "The Sopranos." I don't know if this is true, but it makes sense.

*I've been hearing that Major League Baseball wants to play some games in Japan next year; actual games, not pre-season exhibition. I hate the idea, but am resigned to the fact that it will come to be due to the financial rewards for everyone involved but the fans. And then today I read where the New York Yankees are interested in taking part in these games. As I said, I hate the idea but can live with it only if the games are considered "away" games for the Yankees and do not take away from the scheduled 81 home games next year. Why? Because next year, 2008, is the final season the Yankees will play in their majestic, historical Yankee Stadium. They'll be playing in a new stadium across the street from the old. Every game will be an event; a must-see can't-miss event. There will be only 81 left. To give any of those 81 home games away to Japan would be near criminal. But that's baseball today. That's the way it is.

*Remember that you read the above here in the July 11, 2007 Wahoo Gazette. You'll likely be reading it again somewhere else in a major publication months from now. It usually takes them that long to catch up to the Wahoo Gazette.

Have you been following this story about Miss New Jersey pageant winner being blackmailed to step down from her title or else embarrassing photos from her college years will be released. Miss New Jersey isn't budging. She's keeping her title. You'll have to rip the title from her. She's not giving it up. Today I saw a few of the photos. I don't quite see the embarrassing part. They are typical pictures of college kids enjoying themselves. You know, if people don't have embarrassing photos of you from college, then you weren't trying. It's probably why I never won Miss New York.

*Every day that passes brings us a day closer to the release of Rock Wilk's new CD, "Broke Wide Open", due out July 30th. Check out his website at www.wilkmusic.com
to hear this week's short trailer of the song "What Did You Mean."

*It's time for the unpopular Wahoo Gazette feature, "It Happened on Late Night the Day They Were Born."
Emma Watson was born April 15, 1990. So what happened on Late Night the day Emma Watson was born? Well, the 15th was a Sunday. The 16th was a repeat. So let's take a look at April 13, 1990.

Late Night on April 13, 1990:
Top Ten: Signs That Your Kid is a Loser
-Robotic arm
-Viewer Mail: Pete Fatovich doesn't give a rat's ass; Gorby footage; Hal and dwarf and goose and Gordon in control room
-Knitter, Gwen Matthewman in greenroom knitting throughout the show
-Dana Delaney
-Dave interviews NBC job applicants
-"He shoots, he scores!"
-Sam Kinison
All that on Late Night a couple days before Emma Watson was born.

*And now, even more useless information from "The Ultimate Book of Useless Information" by Neil Botham & The Useless Information Society.
- from one giant redwood, it would be possible to build 60 average-sized houses
- the growth rate of some bamboo plants can reach three feet a day
- a fully mature oak tree sheds 700,000 leaves every year
- bacteria increase from one to one billion in a Petri dish in 24 hours
- water which boils at 212F degrees at sea level, will boil at 150F degrees at the top of Mt. Everest.

And now, a rebuttal of something from "The Ultimate Book of Useless Information

From: Denis Blanchet - Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

"Dear Michael, In today's Wahoo Gazette, you quote a figure to the effect that the moon weighs 81,000 trillion tons. You can't be blamed, since that figure appears on the Internet as well as in the book you took it from. I was immediately suspicious, however, because I happen to know that the earth weighs 6.6 sextillion tons, and the difference is way too large. I googled around the Internet a little bit more and found out that the moon actually weighs 74 quintillion tons, as opposed to the mere 81 quadrillion tons your figure corresponds to, i.e., the figure you gave is about a thousand times too small. Am I the world's biggest nerd? No, but I bet I make the top percentile. Sincerely, Denis Blanchet."

"Hi Mike, re: Venus being the only planet to rotate clockwise... Wouldn't the Earth also appear to rotate clockwise if you were looking at it from above the South Pole? Who decided that North should be 'up' on the map anyway? Smells like a northern hemisphere conspiracy to keep the 'Down Under' under. Aussie, Aussie, Aussie, Oy, Oy, Oy

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Jim Keyes.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER