" . . . and now, as seen on 'Falcon Crest'. . . . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
It's hot outside here in New York today. We take a look from the roof of the Ed Sullivan Theater at the blue, yet sweltering sky. Dave asks for the cameraman to turn around to get another shot of the city. Ooops. The camera is unmanned. We'll get someone right on that.

Did you read the USA Weekend magazine insert in your Sunday paper this weekend? Dave noticed something a bit . . . . odd . . . and interesting. He holds up the USA Weekend section to the "Who's News" page. A reader wrote in: "Do you know why David Letterman's hair looks like a bird's nest?" The editor responded, "No, but on Dave, it works."
Dave wonders why the question was included, and why the editor took the time to respond. A bird's nest. Tee hee.

Hey, that was fast. We have someone on the camera. Dave asks if the cameraman, Steve, can spin around with the camera and continue so until we all get sick. Steve takes the camera and turns around and around until our stomachs grow queasy.

And it was so hot today, Dave was kind enough to throw a barbecue for the staff. We have some footage from the afternoon fiesta. We see staffers enjoying their hot dogs and hamburgers. We pan to the front of the line to the chef. He's cooking the dogs and burgers on the hot steamy sidewalk. Thankfully he kept took it easy on the lighter fluid.

The "Transformers" movie is the big hit of the weekend. It has already made close to a billion dollars. We take a look at a promo for the summer blockbuster.
Announcer (over footage of "Transformers"): "Most have come to destroy us. Some have come to protect us. What you are about to see is totally classified."
Jon Voight: "Dear God, what is this?"
Cut to scene from the original Love Bug. Buddy Hacket is screaming, trying to hang on to Herbie as it slowly breaks apart.
Announcer: "Transformers: Not playing."

How hot is it? Take a look. We see a cad driver standing in front of a yellow puddle. He cries out, "My cab melted!" An oldie but goodie.

Great Moments in Presidential Speeches. We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush: "That's not a seersucker suit, is it?"

ACT 2:
Tonight we'll take a look at the new summer toys for 2007. When Dave was a kid, the only toy he had was a . . . . . . . . . . rusty can. Sorry, if you said "sharp stick and a piece of string," you lose.

Since it is so hot, our Alan Kalter asked if he could say a few words about the dangers of the sun and the importance of applying sunscreen before venturing outside.
Alan: (in a partially opened buttoned shirt. He is applying sunscreen to his body) "Hi, I'm Alan Kalter, TV's Inspector Gaffney. Use sunscreen whenever you expect to be in the sun for thirty minutes or more, and re-apply after swimming. Oh, that feels good." (Alan applies to his chest) "Sunscreen is most effective if first applied 20-30 minutes before sun exposure. Yeah, that's the stuff. And finally, use a 'broad spectrum' sunscreen with a sun protection factor of at least 15 to protect against harmful UVA and UVB rays. I've never felt anything so smooth and sexy . . . ." Alan begins to groan with pleasure as he applies to his neck and chest.)
Dave interrupts: "OK, Alan, you're making us all sick. Go to the roof and get out of here."

TOP TEN: Things Venus Williams Would Like To Say After Winning Her 4th Wimbledon Title.
This Saturday, Venus Williams, a superstar on the Sony Ericsson WTA Tour, won her 4th singles Wimbledon title.
To see the entire Top Ten performed by the lovely Miss Williams, click on the Top Ten icon above. . . . someplace on the Late Show website.

Going to commercial, we see Alan Kalter on the roof of the ED soaking up the sun.

NEW SUMMER TOYS - With Toy Expert Shannon Eis. She comes in December to show the new toys for the holidays and returns in July to show what's new for the summer. Shannon leads Dave over to the first toy and says to Dave, "I'm gonna turn you on." Oops. What kind of toy does Shannon have here? She meant to say she was going to turn on the toy for Dave to use. Oh well. We certainly got off to a good start.

1. ESPN Better Batter Baseball
- Tee-free baseball trainer. Swing at the ball to hear crowd noises and game commentary. Automatically reloads the ball. Bat and 3 balls included. Powered by 3 C batteries. It's an automatic T-Ball set up. Dave taps the ball once, twice, three times. On the third tap, the machine falls apart. Oops. It is set up again and it again breaks up. As Dave and Shannon go on to the next toy, she says of the baseball tee, "It's for 3 year-olds."
Price: $39.99; Company: Fisher-Price

2. Transformers Optimus Prime Blaster
- Plastic, toy truck transforms into a handheld dart launcher. Comes with three foam darts. To prepare the dart launcher, you need to pump the gun barrel. Dave pumps it a number of times, then exclaims, "Boy, does this bring back memories!" After a few more pumps, he yells, "I'll be there in a minute, Ma!"
Price: $29.99; Company: Hasbro

3. Alive! Elvis
- an animatronic bust of Elvis Presley - I laughed when Shannon described it as it being styled after his '68 Comeback Special.
Price: $350; Company: WowWee

4. Tri-clops RC Mutant
- it's a remote controlled, omni-directional creature. Dave likes the remote control gadgets and has fun running the mutant across the floor.
Price: $99.99; Company: Tyco

5. Yuck!
- It starts out as a powder and when hydrated has the consistency of applesauce. One pound makes 35-60 gallons. Usually much more depending how much water is added. Once you have created the applesauce liquid, you set your blaster in and extract it into the gun. And then you shoot the substance into the audience. And then he shoots Elvis.
Price: $16.99 / lb; Company: Buckets-O-Fun.com

6. Basket Case Headband Hoop Game
A red basket that you attach to your head to catch balls in. Comes with 20 plastic balls to throw in the basket. Dave and Shannon put the baskets atop their head and take some shots with the plastic balls. Dave surmises that although it may be entertaining and fun, one would likely tire of it in a few minutes
Price: $6.99; Company: Stupid.com

7. RC (remote control) Helicopter
- it's a tiny helicopter that is run by a remote control. The helicopter is placed in Dave's hand and Shannon activates the remote. The copter lifts and flies, nearly detaching Dave's thumb upon liftoff.

8. Gazillion Bubble items
Automatic bubble maker that shoots continuous, big bubbles horizontally. Great for pets to chase after the bubbles. Comes with a base already filled with bubble solution and a plastic funnel to pour more in. Powered by 6 AA batteries. Fetch-a-Bubble, Tycoon, Jumbo Bubbler.
Once on the bubblemakers creates bacon-scented bubbles which would surely delight your dog. Dave explains, "Bacon-scented bubbles for your dog . . . just another reason why the rest of the world hates us."
Price: $19.99; Company: Funrise

ACT 4, 6:
Back from commercial, we find the stagehands fast at work to clean up the soapy and slippery stage.

DON CHEADLE
Don is just back from a week in Vegas participating in the World Series of Poker in a charity event "Ante Up For Africa." Don is quite the poker player and is not shy to say so. Any good poker player would do the same. We see a photo of Don playing Ben Affleck at a poker this weekend.
I don't like gambling. The joy of winning does not come close to matching the agony of losing.
Don grew up in Denver and got his start in show business playing the part of Templeton in Charlotte's Web in elementary school. Later in life, he decided to go to college in California because of the weather and ended up in acting. He attended CalArts college. He admits college life was crazy and insane. There were coed dorms . . . and rooms. And there was a clothing-optional pool. Unfortunately, those who you would want to forego clothing in the pool usually do not. It's always the case.

Don started out as a stand-up comedian right out of college. His career lasted three weeks. He saw a club advertise an open-mic night and he and a couple buddies decided to give it a try. They quickly wrote a routine dissecting the humor of the "Nancy and Sluggo" comic strip. The first weekend went great. The second weekend went great. The third weekend BOMBED big time. He could have gotten a bigger response from an empty room. Don says he still remembers the sound of 100 people groaning quietly to themselves. And that was the end of his career as a stand-up comedian.
Don's new film, "Talk To Me" opens Friday in selected cities. He portrays Ralph Waldo "Petey" Greene, the real life Washington DC radio personality and media activist who started out in the 60s.

ACT 5:
"Hey, America, are you ready to laugh? Log on to 'The Tony Mendez Show!' Tune in for the all-new episode; 'Tony Performs Surgery On A Late Show Intern.' Just go to www.cbs.com/lateshow. You'll be glad you did! We'll be right back."

ACT 7:
SMASHING PUMPKINS: From their new and highly anticipated reunion CD, "Zeitgeist," Smashing Pumpkins performed "Tarantula." And they'll be back here on Friday.

To close up the show, we get a gander of Alan Kalter on the roof asleep in a chair. Yeah, the show will do that to you sometimes.

And that was our show for Monday, July 9, 2007.



*This morning's rush hour traffic jam was brought to you by a guy standing along the West Side Highway balancing two pieces of fruit in one hand with half a watermelon on his head. Every driver had to slow down and look.

*It hit 93 today and the city is beside itself. But it's supposed to be 93 in July in New York City. At least for a week; and another week of 93 in August. I think we should all just accept it and it'll eventually go away. The worst part about the 90+ degree heat in the city isn't the heat from the sun; it's the heat radiating back from the streets, sidewalks, and buildings. You get it from all sides.
And with the humidity, you can't escape. Shade doesn't help. Shade only helps when the humidity is low.

*Very nice article on CBS Orchestra horn player, Tom Bones Malone. You won't find a nicer guy than Mr. Malone. Check it out.
http://www.clarionledger.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070701/FEAT05/707010335

*1967: The Summer of Love
2007: The Summer of Canoodlin'
So, have you?

*There was a local town board member who was arrested the other day for firing off fireworks in his backyard. He defense was "I didn't light them. I just gave them out." Yeeeshh. Can you believe these people? And they are making important town decisions? Anyway, I think the New York Stage laws on fireworks are too strict. Their view on fireworks in "No Fireworks." Not even sparklers. I usually drive to Connecticut to pick up a $30 box of assorted fireworks at a K-Mart. The fireworks produce no big explosions, just lots of sparks shooting up in the air. And if I can buy them at K-Mart, how bad can they be? On my way back to New York, I always check my rearview mirror to see if I am being followed by a NY State undercover trooper waiting for me to cross the state line. Don't laugh. They're doing that with NY cars buying fireworks in Pennsylvania. Yeah, like our law enforcement agencies don't have enough to do. I mean, there is something wrong with America if my child is not allowed to accidentally burn her finger by picking up a still-hot sparkler from the wrong end. C'mon, lets the kid live a little. So, what's the firework law in your town?

*And now, even more useless information from "The Ultimate Book of Useless Information" by Neil Botham & The Useless Information Society.
- the world's termites outweigh the world's humans by ten to one
- city dogs live about three years longer than country dogs
- dogs like squeeze toys because they sound like animals in distress
- the only breed of dog that has a black, rather than a pink, tongue is a chow.
- The Jack Russell Terrier was named after English Church minister the Reverend Jack Russell.

*And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Originally from Spring Valley, New York, it's 1977 Ramapo Senior High School graduate, Socky Feinberg
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER