DAVETV If you could look at only one thing on the Internet, DaveTV would be the obvious choice. What other so-called "website" lets you watch LATE SHOW Highlights, Comedy Clips, Slideshows, Stupid Trick clips and The Tony Mendez Show?
TOP TEN LIST You know it, you love it, you can't live without it: the revolutionary comedy bit that won Dave the Nobel Peace Prize. Check out the latest Top Ten List here.
TOP TEN ARCHIVES Old Top Ten Lists never die, they just get archived. The Top Ten Archives is searchable by date and keyword. Also, please note that the word "archives" contains the word "chives."
TOP TEN CONTEST So you think you're as funny as Dave's writers? Or maybe you just enjoy wasting time at work? See if you've got the chops to win a great prize in our weekly Top Ten Contest.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
TOP TEN SEARCH Search Results.
WAHOO GAZETTE LATE SHOW staffer Mike McIntee gives you a daily show summary and the behind-the-scenes lowdown with his daily Wahoo Gazette. So much juicy inside information that you'll say "Wahoo!"
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Johnny Depp; and The Spinners.
PLUS: Sue Hum with Pizza Bagels; is Clinton Gay?; Floyd Landis; a Top Ten List; and Stump the Band.
It’s hot here in New York today. How hot was it? It was so hot, Bill Clinton got a Slurpee and then went to 7-Eleven.
And after that, costume designer Sue Hum walks out and stands next to Dave. She is holding a tray of mini pizza bagels. Sue: “I have mini pizza bagels.” And then, “They’re like pizzas but on bagels.”
Dave finally tells Sue in the kindest way, “I don’t really want any.”
Sue simply says, “Weasel” and leaves.
Tonight we’re playing Stump the Band. I was not at my usual post for tonight’s Stump the Band. I was scheduled to participate later in the show and could not watch as closely as I would like.
Paul must have gotten the wrong memo because he was ready to play Carnac. Paul holds the envelope up to his forehead and tells the answer to the question that is sealed inside the envelope.
Paul: “A deer tick and George Michael.” Paul then opens the envelope to read the question: “Name 2 things that might try to suck you in the wood.”
Contestant #1. Paul Burns, an attorney from Huntington, New York.
His song: "Her Cauliflower Ear" – Paul knows it and sings his song to the tune of a Beach Boys song:
“Her Cauliflower Ear”
“Broccoli’s antioxidant
It’s great but too green
And carrots might be good for sight
They knock me out with carotene
The cucumbers for salad
But feels good on eyes
Yeah, especially when you get hit upside your head
It makes a female boxer cry.
I wish you all could see her cauliflower ear.”
Wow! Great job, Paul. But it was not the right song, unfortunately. Paul sings his version. For his work, Paul gets stuff.
Contestant #2: Claus von Lum, a high school phys ed teacher from Michigan. What is Claus’s song? Claus suddenly can’t remember, or he never had a song in the first place. The harder he thinks, the harder it is for him to remember. After a very uncomfortable amount of time, Dave suggests to Claus that he take a seat and relax. Maybe it’ll come to him later. Claus feels terrible, and Dave, feeling his pain, give Claus the Late Show parting gifts just the same.
Contestant #3: Martha Hennessey, a psychologist from Hanover, New Hampshire.
Her song: “Good Morning Song.” The lovely Felicia jumps in. She says she knows this song.
“Good Morning Song”
“Good morning, people
Here’s my Good Morning Song
Step out the shower
Wrapped in a sarong
I start each day out
With a hit from my bong.
So that’s my Good Morning Song.”
Very nice. But not right. Martha sings her song and for her trouble she gets stuff.
And that was "Stump the Band." Claus is still terrible disappointed in himself.
Back form commercial, Dave talks about the controversy surrounding Floyd Landis, the American who won the Tour de France last week. He’s tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. That’s not allowed and he may have his Tour de France title taken away. Authorities are looking for him to ask his some questions, but he is nowhere to be found. But once again, our talent booking department deserves a big hand because Floyd Landis is here tonight.
“Ladies and gentlemen, Floyd Landis!” Fat Floyd rides his bike across the stage and out through the back of the theater. And look who’s waiting for him; two of New York’s Finest. Floyd reaches the back of the theater and he is immediately thrown off his bicycle and wrestled out through the back doors. Although Floyd Landis is now in great pain following his arrest by the NYPD, not a mark was found on him. Now that’s what I call professional cops!
Yes, I was one of the cops. This piece was a last second thing and originally it was to be done on stage just before he made it down the ramp. During the first commercial break, it was changed to what you saw. It may seem like not much of a big deal, but in those tight quarters and with a big guy on a bicycle, the move needs to be choreographed. We did not have that chance. What you saw was a first time try.
In an interview last night, Ann Coulter said Bill Clinton is gay. It’s a peculiar charge, prompting Clinton to issue this explanation.
Announcer: “In an interview this week on CNBC, conservative pundit Ann Coulter claimed that Bill Clinton is gay. And while the former President admits he once told Coulter that he’s gay, it was simply a polite excuse to explain why he wasn’t hitting on her horny ass. Bill Clinton: Only gay when it comes to evil crazy bitches.”
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest has broken all sorts of box office records. Our very own Pat Farmer was lucky enough to be invited to the set during filming. We see, “PAT FARMER’S HOLLYWOOD MINUTE” PAT: “Hi, everyone. I’m here on the set of ‘Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest.’ I’ve been given exclusive, behind-the-scenes access and I’m gonna see what it takes to become a pirate.”
Cut to Pat in the costume department. PAT: “This is the costume department. Each cast member underwent hours of detailed fittings to find the perfect pirate costume.
Cut to Pat with the stunt coordinator. PAT: “This is stunt coordinator Derek Menroe. Derek’s gonna teach me to fight like a pirate.”
Pat gets accidentally stabbed by the stunt coordinator. PAT: “Oh, God.”
Cut to Pat being lifted into an ambulance.
This is Pat Farmer’s Hollywood Minute.
TOP TEN: Floyd Landis Excuses #8. “I was trying to impress Sheryl Crow.” #7. “Uhhh…. Global warming?”
Interrupt: Alan announce: “Tonight’s Late Show is brought to you be ‘The King of Queens’ complete 5th season DVD boxed set. Don’t miss a moment of the fun with stars Kevin James, Leah Remini, and Jerry Stiller!”
Huh? Dave can only shrug, “What the hell was that?”
#5. “French bastards must dosed my quiche.”
Another Alan interrupt: “How does Doug react when he learns Carrie can’t stop buying expensive clothes? Find out in the complete 5th season of ‘The King of Queens’ – now available on DVD.”
#3. “Hulk no need excuse.”
And yet another interrupt from Alan: “What happens when Carrie finds out Doug lied to get out of going to the opera? Order ‘The King of Queens’ complete 5th season on DVD and see for yourself.”
Isn’t that the oddest thing?
JOHNNY DEPP: He’s on top of the world, ma! Johnny Depp’s Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest is breaking all sorts of box office records. Wow! What a pirate! But when Johnny was first hired to play the pirate, did Disney get a little worried? Oh yeah. The Disney execs didn’t know if Johnny was playing his character as drunk, stupid, gay, or confused. This only made Johnny want it make them even more nervous. He’s had to work extra hard this time around to make the execs run for the antacids.
Johnny is dad to two children; a 7-year-old and a 4-year-old. Dave recalls the last time Johnny was here he described living with toddlers is like living with drunks. I like that and I know exactly what he means. It’s a fine description and fits pretty right on.
So what does a guy do who has the biggest movie of the year and is breaking box office records with another Pirate movie on the way? He goes out and buys an island in the Bahamas. Yeah, that sounds about right. And what does one do on an island? “Nothing, absolutely nothing.” Yeah, that’ sounds about right, too.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest is . . . . as if I need to tell you . . . is in theaters now.
ACT 5: We find Alan Kalter in the balcony. We can see the stage behind him and below.
Alan: “Coming up on the Late Show, Dave’s gonna wrestle a gator! So don’t touch that dial or I’ll hunt you down and gut you.”
THE SPINNERS: From the boxed CD collection, “The Chrome Collection,” the legendary Spinners performed “I’ll Be Around.” And then during the break, “Mighty Love.” Oh, the memories . . .
And that was our show for Thursday, July 27, 2006.
Wahoo EXTRA!
OUCH! I hope that was a tick!
People ask, “Hey, Mike, what are you listening to these days?” This morning I decided to slap on some Edith Piaf. You have to try some of the Piaf. Don’t fight it; just sit back and enjoy it. Let the music do all the work. And if you don’t get charged up after hearing “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien” then there’s something wrong.
“Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien”
Non! Rien de rien ...
Non ! Je ne regrette rien
Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait
Ni le mal tout ça m'est bien égal !
Non ! Rien de rien ...
Non ! Je ne regrette rien...
C'est payé, balayé, oublié
Je me fous du passé!
Avec mes souvenirs
J'ai allumé le feu
Mes chagrins, mes plaisirs
Je n'ai plus besoin d'eux !
Balayés les amours
Et tous leurs trémolos
Balayés pour toujours
Je repars à zéro ...
Non ! Rien de rien ...
Non ! Je ne regrette nen ...
Ni le bien, qu'on m'a fait
Ni le mal, tout ça m'est bien égal !
Non ! Rien de rien ...
Non ! Je ne regrette rien ...
Car ma vie, car mes joies
Aujourd'hui, ça commence avec toi !
Translated:
No, no regrets
No, we will have no regrets
As you leave, I can say
Love was king, but for only a day
No, no regrets
No, let there be no regrets
Why explain
Why delay
Don't go away
Simply call it a day
Pleading moments we knew
I will set them apart
Ev'ry word, ev'ry sign
Will be burned in my heart
But no tears will be shed
There'll be no one to blame
Let it always be said
We attempted what came
No, no regrets
No, we will have no regrets
As you leave, I can say
Love was king, but for only a day
Life still goes on
Yes, even though love has gone
One last kiss
Shrug and sign
No Regrets even though it's goodbye
I went to my 30th Ramapo Senior High School reunion last weekend. I wrote: “It was fun to see a lot of new old faces and everyone pretending everything's great.”
A Wahoo reader responded:
“Thank you Mike for this ASTUTE observation! This is why I won’t be attending my 30th and a couple of my close friends from HS won't be going either! I think we all expected more from life by now. That's why God gives us children. To be our hope.”
Of course we expected more from life by now, but it ain’t happening. That’s why I HAD to go to my reunion. At the reunion, you’re 18 once again. When you walk inside the banquet hall, 30 years peel away in an instant. You’re young again and everyone in the place is young again. Sure, everyone pretends everything is perfect, but it’s the only place left you can do that. Can you do that at home? NO! At work? Of course not. Go to the reunion and pretend and have a great time doing it. Everyone else will be pretending, too. And all you need to do is find one other person to connect with and you’ll have a great time, even if it’s sitting in the corner cracking jokes about those around you, which is a very underrated pleasure.
There were many I had hoped to see at the reunion but did not show up, possibly for the same reasons given by the Wahoo reader. They should have been there. We would have had a good time.
What do you think? Should the Wahoo reader go to the 30th high school reunion? What would you do? And how was your reunion?
My observation:
10th High School Reunion: Everyone is married.
20th High School Reunion: Everyone is divorced.
30th High School Reunion: Everyone is in a committed relationship.
I had a great time at my reunion, but the mental and emotional crash the week following is tough to take. I want to have another reunion this week, dammit!
What will be fixed first; the Big Dig or the Wahoo Archives?
Original Air Date: 7/27/06
Johnny Depp; and The Spinners.
PLUS: Sue Hum with Pizza Bagels; is Clinton Gay?; Floyd Landis; a Top Ten List; and Stump the Band.
It’s hot here in New York today. How hot was it? It was so hot, Bill Clinton got a Slurpee and then went to 7-Eleven.
And after that, costume designer Sue Hum walks out and stands next to Dave. She is holding a tray of mini pizza bagels. Sue: “I have mini pizza bagels.” And then, “They’re like pizzas but on bagels.”
Dave finally tells Sue in the kindest way, “I don’t really want any.”
Sue simply says, “Weasel” and leaves.
Tonight we’re playing Stump the Band. I was not at my usual post for tonight’s Stump the Band. I was scheduled to participate later in the show and could not watch as closely as I would like.
Paul must have gotten the wrong memo because he was ready to play Carnac. Paul holds the envelope up to his forehead and tells the answer to the question that is sealed inside the envelope.
Paul: “A deer tick and George Michael.” Paul then opens the envelope to read the question: “Name 2 things that might try to suck you in the wood.”
Contestant #1. Paul Burns, an attorney from Huntington, New York.
His song: "Her Cauliflower Ear" – Paul knows it and sings his song to the tune of a Beach Boys song:
“Her Cauliflower Ear”
“Broccoli’s antioxidant
It’s great but too green
And carrots might be good for sight
They knock me out with carotene
The cucumbers for salad
But feels good on eyes
Yeah, especially when you get hit upside your head
It makes a female boxer cry.
I wish you all could see her cauliflower ear.”
Wow! Great job, Paul. But it was not the right song, unfortunately. Paul sings his version. For his work, Paul gets stuff.
Contestant #2: Claus von Lum, a high school phys ed teacher from Michigan. What is Claus’s song? Claus suddenly can’t remember, or he never had a song in the first place. The harder he thinks, the harder it is for him to remember. After a very uncomfortable amount of time, Dave suggests to Claus that he take a seat and relax. Maybe it’ll come to him later. Claus feels terrible, and Dave, feeling his pain, give Claus the Late Show parting gifts just the same.
Contestant #3: Martha Hennessey, a psychologist from Hanover, New Hampshire.
Her song: “Good Morning Song.” The lovely Felicia jumps in. She says she knows this song.
“Good Morning Song”
“Good morning, people
Here’s my Good Morning Song
Step out the shower
Wrapped in a sarong
I start each day out
With a hit from my bong.
So that’s my Good Morning Song.”
Very nice. But not right. Martha sings her song and for her trouble she gets stuff.
And that was "Stump the Band." Claus is still terrible disappointed in himself.
Back form commercial, Dave talks about the controversy surrounding Floyd Landis, the American who won the Tour de France last week. He’s tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. That’s not allowed and he may have his Tour de France title taken away. Authorities are looking for him to ask his some questions, but he is nowhere to be found. But once again, our talent booking department deserves a big hand because Floyd Landis is here tonight.
“Ladies and gentlemen, Floyd Landis!” Fat Floyd rides his bike across the stage and out through the back of the theater. And look who’s waiting for him; two of New York’s Finest. Floyd reaches the back of the theater and he is immediately thrown off his bicycle and wrestled out through the back doors. Although Floyd Landis is now in great pain following his arrest by the NYPD, not a mark was found on him. Now that’s what I call professional cops!
Yes, I was one of the cops. This piece was a last second thing and originally it was to be done on stage just before he made it down the ramp. During the first commercial break, it was changed to what you saw. It may seem like not much of a big deal, but in those tight quarters and with a big guy on a bicycle, the move needs to be choreographed. We did not have that chance. What you saw was a first time try.
In an interview last night, Ann Coulter said Bill Clinton is gay. It’s a peculiar charge, prompting Clinton to issue this explanation.
Announcer: “In an interview this week on CNBC, conservative pundit Ann Coulter claimed that Bill Clinton is gay. And while the former President admits he once told Coulter that he’s gay, it was simply a polite excuse to explain why he wasn’t hitting on her horny ass. Bill Clinton: Only gay when it comes to evil crazy bitches.”
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest has broken all sorts of box office records. Our very own Pat Farmer was lucky enough to be invited to the set during filming. We see, “PAT FARMER’S HOLLYWOOD MINUTE” PAT: “Hi, everyone. I’m here on the set of ‘Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest.’ I’ve been given exclusive, behind-the-scenes access and I’m gonna see what it takes to become a pirate.”
Cut to Pat in the costume department. PAT: “This is the costume department. Each cast member underwent hours of detailed fittings to find the perfect pirate costume.
Cut to Pat with the stunt coordinator. PAT: “This is stunt coordinator Derek Menroe. Derek’s gonna teach me to fight like a pirate.”
Pat gets accidentally stabbed by the stunt coordinator. PAT: “Oh, God.”
Cut to Pat being lifted into an ambulance.
This is Pat Farmer’s Hollywood Minute.
TOP TEN: Floyd Landis Excuses #8. “I was trying to impress Sheryl Crow.” #7. “Uhhh…. Global warming?”
Interrupt: Alan announce: “Tonight’s Late Show is brought to you be ‘The King of Queens’ complete 5th season DVD boxed set. Don’t miss a moment of the fun with stars Kevin James, Leah Remini, and Jerry Stiller!”
Huh? Dave can only shrug, “What the hell was that?”
#5. “French bastards must dosed my quiche.”
Another Alan interrupt: “How does Doug react when he learns Carrie can’t stop buying expensive clothes? Find out in the complete 5th season of ‘The King of Queens’ – now available on DVD.”
#3. “Hulk no need excuse.”
And yet another interrupt from Alan: “What happens when Carrie finds out Doug lied to get out of going to the opera? Order ‘The King of Queens’ complete 5th season on DVD and see for yourself.”
Isn’t that the oddest thing?
JOHNNY DEPP: He’s on top of the world, ma! Johnny Depp’s Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest is breaking all sorts of box office records. Wow! What a pirate! But when Johnny was first hired to play the pirate, did Disney get a little worried? Oh yeah. The Disney execs didn’t know if Johnny was playing his character as drunk, stupid, gay, or confused. This only made Johnny want it make them even more nervous. He’s had to work extra hard this time around to make the execs run for the antacids.
Johnny is dad to two children; a 7-year-old and a 4-year-old. Dave recalls the last time Johnny was here he described living with toddlers is like living with drunks. I like that and I know exactly what he means. It’s a fine description and fits pretty right on.
So what does a guy do who has the biggest movie of the year and is breaking box office records with another Pirate movie on the way? He goes out and buys an island in the Bahamas. Yeah, that sounds about right. And what does one do on an island? “Nothing, absolutely nothing.” Yeah, that’ sounds about right, too.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest is . . . . as if I need to tell you . . . is in theaters now.
ACT 5: We find Alan Kalter in the balcony. We can see the stage behind him and below.
Alan: “Coming up on the Late Show, Dave’s gonna wrestle a gator! So don’t touch that dial or I’ll hunt you down and gut you.”
THE SPINNERS: From the boxed CD collection, “The Chrome Collection,” the legendary Spinners performed “I’ll Be Around.” And then during the break, “Mighty Love.” Oh, the memories . . .
And that was our show for Thursday, July 27, 2006.
Wahoo EXTRA!
OUCH! I hope that was a tick!
People ask, “Hey, Mike, what are you listening to these days?” This morning I decided to slap on some Edith Piaf. You have to try some of the Piaf. Don’t fight it; just sit back and enjoy it. Let the music do all the work. And if you don’t get charged up after hearing “Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien” then there’s something wrong.
“Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien”
Non! Rien de rien ...
Non ! Je ne regrette rien
Ni le bien qu'on m'a fait
Ni le mal tout ça m'est bien égal !
Non ! Rien de rien ...
Non ! Je ne regrette rien...
C'est payé, balayé, oublié
Je me fous du passé!
Avec mes souvenirs
J'ai allumé le feu
Mes chagrins, mes plaisirs
Je n'ai plus besoin d'eux !
Balayés les amours
Et tous leurs trémolos
Balayés pour toujours
Je repars à zéro ...
Non ! Rien de rien ...
Non ! Je ne regrette nen ...
Ni le bien, qu'on m'a fait
Ni le mal, tout ça m'est bien égal !
Non ! Rien de rien ...
Non ! Je ne regrette rien ...
Car ma vie, car mes joies
Aujourd'hui, ça commence avec toi !
Translated:
No, no regrets
No, we will have no regrets
As you leave, I can say
Love was king, but for only a day
No, no regrets
No, let there be no regrets
Why explain
Why delay
Don't go away
Simply call it a day
Pleading moments we knew
I will set them apart
Ev'ry word, ev'ry sign
Will be burned in my heart
But no tears will be shed
There'll be no one to blame
Let it always be said
We attempted what came
No, no regrets
No, we will have no regrets
As you leave, I can say
Love was king, but for only a day
Life still goes on
Yes, even though love has gone
One last kiss
Shrug and sign
No Regrets even though it's goodbye
I went to my 30th Ramapo Senior High School reunion last weekend. I wrote: “It was fun to see a lot of new old faces and everyone pretending everything's great.”
A Wahoo reader responded:
“Thank you Mike for this ASTUTE observation! This is why I won’t be attending my 30th and a couple of my close friends from HS won't be going either! I think we all expected more from life by now. That's why God gives us children. To be our hope.”
Of course we expected more from life by now, but it ain’t happening. That’s why I HAD to go to my reunion. At the reunion, you’re 18 once again. When you walk inside the banquet hall, 30 years peel away in an instant. You’re young again and everyone in the place is young again. Sure, everyone pretends everything is perfect, but it’s the only place left you can do that. Can you do that at home? NO! At work? Of course not. Go to the reunion and pretend and have a great time doing it. Everyone else will be pretending, too. And all you need to do is find one other person to connect with and you’ll have a great time, even if it’s sitting in the corner cracking jokes about those around you, which is a very underrated pleasure.
There were many I had hoped to see at the reunion but did not show up, possibly for the same reasons given by the Wahoo reader. They should have been there. We would have had a good time.
What do you think? Should the Wahoo reader go to the 30th high school reunion? What would you do? And how was your reunion?
My observation:
10th High School Reunion: Everyone is married.
20th High School Reunion: Everyone is divorced.
30th High School Reunion: Everyone is in a committed relationship.
I had a great time at my reunion, but the mental and emotional crash the week following is tough to take. I want to have another reunion this week, dammit!
What will be fixed first; the Big Dig or the Wahoo Archives?
