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WAHOO GAZETTE LATE SHOW staffer Mike McIntee gives you a daily show summary and the behind-the-scenes lowdown with his daily Wahoo Gazette. So much juicy inside information that you'll say "Wahoo!"
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Ellen Barkin; Brian Regan; and Glen Murphy and his Heimlich Goat. PLUS:The Democratic Debate; the Reagan Diaries; Great Moments; a Top Ten List; Will It Float; and Late Show Fun Facts.
“ . . . and now, unscrupulous tour bus operator . . . David Letterman!
ACT 1
The Democratic presidential candidates held a debate on CNN last Sunday. It was the first debate in which audience members could ask questions and they really got to the issue that matter. Announce: “Tonight on CNN, the Democratic presidential candidates face their toughest interviewers yet: the American people. Tune is as votes ask the questions that are on everyone’s minds: How would Hillary Clinton handle Iran? What would John Edwards do about health care? And how the hell did Dennis Kucinich get a woman like this to marry him?” (shot of Kucinich and his tall attractive wife)
“Tonight at 7/6 Central, only on CNN”
For the past few weeks, we have been highlighting passages from Ronald Reagan’s personal diaries. Here is tonight’s entry. Announcer: “July 21st, 1986: This morning, I called in a local radio station and, pretending my name was ‘Jim,’ collapsed in their weekly Ronald Reagan sound-alike contest. I am happy to say I came in third and won two tickets to an upcoming Steve Winwood concert at Jones Beach.
This has been an excerpt from the Reagan Diaries.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush – I don’t know . . . something about 3 or 4 children.
ACT 2 LATE SHOW FUN FACTS
THE EARTH EXPERIENCES 50,000 EARTHQUAKES A YEAR
RHODE ISLAND WAS THE LAST OF THE ORIGINAL THIRTEEN COLONIES TO BECOME A STATE
THE MONA LISA HAS NO EYEBROWS – SHAVED EYEBROWS WERE A FAD AT THE TIME
DUE TO A CALENDAR MIX-UP, THERE WERE TWO YEARS IN A ROW IDENTIFIED AS “1973”
20% OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE THEIR APPENDIX REMOVED LATER DECIDE TO HAVE IT REINSTALLED
CLOSE EXAMINATION OF THE DIME REVEALS THAT ROOSEVELT IS SWEATY
TO RESEARCH HIS ROLE IN “TOOTSIE,” DUSTIN HOFFMAN SPENT TWO YEARS LIVING AS A WOMAN
ARCHAEOLOGISTS BELIEVE THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA WAS BUILT TO KEEP OUT MEXICANS
SINCE 1917, THE PULITZER PRIZE COMMITTEE HAS GIVEN AWAY NEARLY 2,000 MEDALS, MORE THAN $20 MILLION AND DOZENS OF JET SKIS
WHEN YOU’RE OUT OF SCHLITZ, YOU’RE OUT OF BEER
IN THE EARLY DRAFTS OF “MOBY DICK,” MOBY DICK WAS A TURTLE
ABRAHAM LINCOLN WAS WEARING HIS STOVEPIPE HAT WHEN HE LOST HIS VIRGINITY
MORE THAN 30% OF THE WORLD’S SALT IS USED TO GARNISH MARGARITAS
MOSES’ CLOSE FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS CALLED HIM “MO”
IN THE FOUR YEARS HE WAS VICE PRESIDENT, DAN QUAYLE USED UP ONLY ONE “FROM THE DESK OF DAN QUAYLE” NOTEPAD
APPROXIMATELY 200,000 DRIVERS A YEAR ARE SERIOUSLY BURNED BY EZ-PASS SENSORS
THE UNITED STATES POSTMASTER GENERAL MUST BE ABLE TO LICK AT LEAST 40 STAMPS PER MINUTE
EVERY TUESDAY IS SLOPPY JOE NIGHT AT THE WHITE HOUSE
IT IS BELIEVED THAT, BY 2028, A CUP OF STARBUCKS COFFEE WILL COST 19 DOLLARS
THE HIGHEST-GROSSING MOVIE OF ALL TIME IS “CROCODILE DUNDEE II”
WOLF BLITZER GOT HIS START AS AN MTV VEEJAY
IN THE WORLD OF MUSICIANS, NO ONE GETS LAID LIKE TROMBONE PLAYERS
ORVILLE WRIGHT WAS THE FIRST MEMBER OF THE MILE-HIGH CLUB
BARBARA WALTERS WAS ONCE ARRESTED FOR PLAYING GOLF NAKED
AS A SMALL BOY, TIGER WOODS WAS BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE TIGER
THOMAS EDISON WAS THE FIRST PERSON EVER TO SAY, “DOES MY VOICE REALLY SOUND LIKE THAT?”
CRIMINALS CAN ELUDE LAW-ENFORCEMENT JURISDICTION BY FLEEING TO THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES
THE FIRST ITEM EVER PATENTED AT THE UNITED STATES PATENT OFFICE WAS THE PATENT APPLICATION FORM
UNTIL 1961, POPES MADE THEIR LIVING MOSTLY ON TIPS
ACT 3 TOP TEN: Signs You’re Watching a Bad Organized Crime Show. 3. Everyone dies after catching tuberculosis from guy on airplane 1. It’s less violent than a typical episode of ‘The View’.
ELLEN BARKIN: She’s in the film E“Ocean’s Thirteen.” It opened today. She once had a crush on Dave. She was married to Gabriel Byrne for 7 years. She was married to a guy who makes lipstick. The divorce was messy.
ACT 4
We have a photo of the Mona Lisa. The photo proves the fun fact from earlier in the program, “The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows – shaved eyebrows were a fad at the time” is false. The Mona Lisa clearly has eyebrows . . . at least in the photo we have.
GLEN MURPHY: His life was miraculously saved when his pet goat gave him the Heimlich maneuver. He is here to tell his story.
Glen is from West Nyack, New York, just up the Hudson. He works as an importer/exporter, dealing mainly in marble, Italian and Brazilian.
His goat, Dougie, he found on a camping trip about 20 years ago. The goat was just a kid at the time. Glen keeps Dougie in the basement and he is a great pet, great with children. Does Glen have any other pets? He does, a turtle.
Dave finds a goat to be a bit of an odd pet. Glen informs that’s changing. He read where by 2011, goats will be more popular as pets than cats.
The story: Glen sat in front of the TV set to watch “Wheel of Fortune.” He prepared a plate of chicken nuggets to snack on. Glen became excited when he realized he knew the answer to the puzzle. What was the puzzle answer? “The Captain and Tennille.” Unfortunately, in his excitement a chicken nugget got lodged in his windpipe. Dougie, his goat, was not in the basement at this time and sensed Glen was in trouble. The goat leapt to the rescue and performed the Heimlich maneuver on the grateful Glen. We prepared an animation of the heroic event and we watch. We see Glen munching on a nugget. We see him begin to choke. We see Dougie the goat spring into action and jump behind Glen. Dougie then squeezes out the lodged nugget.
Back live to Glen and Dave. Dave announces that we have the hero goat with us tonight. Dave calls for the goat. No goat. We hear a ruckus coming from backstage. Glen grows concerned. More noise, more banging. Glen rises from his chair, screams at Dave at what appears to be happening and runs out through the guest entrance to see what was happening. Glen runs out to 53rd Street screaming Dougie’s name. We cut to Glen’s POV to see the goat being chased by 3 stagehands. Glen joins in the chase to retrieve the runaway goat. It’s not what we had in mind. I’m sure someone on the staff will be getting a talking-to.
ACT 5: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GOAT?
“And now it’s time for a Late Show Announcement. Have you seen this goat? He answers to the name ‘Dougie’ and was last seen running west on 53rd Street. If you see Dougie, don’t approach him. He may be angry. Instead, contact your local authorities. This has been a Late Show Announcement.
ACT 6 WILL IT FLOAT?
Tonight’s item: a jug of cheap wine in a glass gallon jug.
Dave: it’ll float.
Paul: it’ll float.
The Late Show models drop the gallon of cheap wine into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . SINKS! It sinks! Paul laments, “But I was so confident!” Dave simply replies, “And that’s why we play ‘Will It Float?’”
ACT 7 BRIAN REGAN: He has a one-hour Comedy Central special premiering this Sunday at 10 P.M. called “Standing Up.” So, watch “The Sopranos” and then switch over to Comedy Central.
Brian accidentally purchased a franchise in Florida. He drove up to a McDonald’s Drive Thru. He placed an order. And then he was asked in a thick accent: “Would you like French fries with that?” This was followed up with “And Pepsi Cola?” Brian said, “Sure.”
Turned out he bought a franchise in Pensacola.
Brian has an Italian friend who doesn’t speak Italian but pretends he can. It becomes obvious when he mentions Italian food items. Brian is Irish but you won’t catch him talking in Gaelic or a thick Irish accent when mentioning Corned Beef.
And that was our show for Friday, June 8, 2007.
Inside information: Do not read unless you want to know in advance how "The Sopranos" ends.
Tony Soprano is arrested. He is sentenced to 3 weeks in the county jail. He is released after 5 days to house arrest. He is then brought back to court the next day to finish the sentence. Tony is seen kicking and screaming and crying. He cries out, “Mommy, it’s not right!” Fade to black.
Paris Hilton going back to court on Friday. Yeesh. Wall-to-wall coverage by Fox News and CNN. The Fox News had the graphic “ALERT” over their coverage. On CNN, the commentators labeled the proceedings as a spectacle. And CNN being there only made it more so. Like I tell my kids, ignore it and it will go away.
Remember, don’t be mad at Paris. Be mad at everyone who made this possible. She is who she is. It’s up to us to decide what we do with that.
My 11-year-old girls play on a traveling basketball team. The other day they were playing in a tournament at a local college. They played on one of three practice courts. The middle court in which they played did not have a fully marked sideline running up and down the court. There was about a 40-foot gap that the organizers wisely filled with blue masking tape. But instead of a 40-foot straight line of tape, they put down a 10-inch piece of tape followed by a 10-inch gap followed by a 10-inch piece of tape followed by a gap, etc. Within a minute of arriving at the court, I noticed that one of the 10-inch pieces of tape was cockeyed. It was not in a straight line with the other pieces. It was crooked and off-center. I was surprised no one saw it and fixed it. It bothered me more than it should have but since my girls were playing on a different court, I let it go. The girls played two games and then we went home for the night. We came back on Sunday and were assigned the middle court, the one with the cockeyed piece of tape. It still was offline. No one changed it the day before. I sighed and rolled my eyes but thought I was just being me. I convinced myself to not say anything. I figured if the tournament officials thought it was OK, I should be satisfied with that, too.
So the game starts. It’s a close game. Early in the game, each team dribbles out of bounds along the sideline in question, with the blue broken line of masking tape. Neither of the girls was closely covered. They just didn’t realize they were near the out of bounds. They were looking at a different out of bounds line. I sighed, rolled my eyes, and wondered how much money the tournament saved by making a dash-line instead of one long straight line of tape? How much did they save, a nickel? Anyway, I’m not one to scream and yell at these games. I try to be a respectful spectator, encouraging my girls, their team, and applauding good plays by both teams. So I didn’t complain. Later in the game, a girl on our team dribbles down the sideline and steps on the out-of-bounds line. “Out of bounds” whistles the ref. And why was she out of bounds? Because she stepped on the out of bounds line. And what part of the line did she step on? That’s right, the cockeyed piece of tape. The one that was not in line. The one that was 4 inches inside the court. The piece of tape I noticed within seconds of entering the building the day before came back to haunt ME 36 hours later. No one else seemed to be bothered by it. I bit my tongue.
I soon realized I forgot to supply my girls with water for the game. One of them gets my attention to ask for a bottle of Iceland water. I run to the snack stand and buy two bottles. I make myself as small as possible and get the water bottles to my girls on the bench. I make myself as small as possible and make my way back to my seat. I glance at the cockeyed piece of tape and curse it silently. While I was gone, the parents feel our team is getting the short end of a lot of calls by the refs. They are getting riled. Three straight calls went against us. The refs are cheating because they have a connection to the team we are playing. That’s what I’m told, anyway. I try to quell their frustration by explaining a ref would never do that. A ref just wants to call a game without getting involved in any arguments. Arguments make a ref’s job difficult. Knowingly making a bad call is not worth the trouble. They remain unconvinced. Seconds later, a girl on the other team is dribbling up the court. I am right in line with that blasted out-of-bounds line. The girl steps on the line, strides and steps on it again, strides and steps on it a third time. I yell out, “Out of bounds!” While yelling out, I look for where the ref is. The ref is right behind the dribbler staring straight at the girl’s feet. Three times she stepped on the line, three times the ref did not blow the whistle. I was livid. If the ref was on the other side of the court or was not in position to see the infraction, I could live with that. It’s part of the game. But this guy was right on it. He was right on the play. He was staring HARD at the out of bounds line. But he did not make the call. It was the angriest I have ever been at an official. Seconds before I had defended this ref and all refs who have ever officiated a game. But this guy convinced me that they are open to question. A bad call is a bad call and I can live with that. This was much worse. He made a bad call on purpose. I kept quiet, as hard as it was for me. I do not want to become one of those parents.
Remember the Edith Piaf film I touted that came out today, “La Vie en Rose”? It was reviewed in Friday’s Daily News. Here is the first and last paragraph of Jack Mathews review, something I suggested earlier this week.
“Less than an hour after watching writer-director Olivier Dahan’s impressionistic biography of legendary French singer Edith Piaf, I was in a record store buying two CD collections of her songs.”
And finally. . .
“The song for which Piaf is best-known --- ‘Non, Je ne Regrette Rien’ --- leads to a killer finale with Cotillard perfectly lip-synching Piaf’s recording of it. Trust me: you’ll want to own it.”
“Brave men tell the truth,
A wise man's tools are analogies and puzzles,
A woman holds her tongue,
Knowing silence will speak for her.
So now I'll never know,
As you will only sleep beside me,
And everywhere I go...
There's always something to remind me
Of another place and time
Where love that travelled far had found me.”
Do you recognize the song? It’s the song you hear in the Geico commercial when the caveman is in the airport on the moving walkway and passes an offensive billboard.
The song: “Remind Me” by Royksopp”
And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Pearl River, New York, it ‘s Tom Gilbride.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Ellen Barkin; Brian Regan; and Glen Murphy and his Heimlich Goat. PLUS:The Democratic Debate; the Reagan Diaries; Great Moments; a Top Ten List; Will It Float; and Late Show Fun Facts.
“ . . . and now, unscrupulous tour bus operator . . . David Letterman!
ACT 1
The Democratic presidential candidates held a debate on CNN last Sunday. It was the first debate in which audience members could ask questions and they really got to the issue that matter. Announce: “Tonight on CNN, the Democratic presidential candidates face their toughest interviewers yet: the American people. Tune is as votes ask the questions that are on everyone’s minds: How would Hillary Clinton handle Iran? What would John Edwards do about health care? And how the hell did Dennis Kucinich get a woman like this to marry him?” (shot of Kucinich and his tall attractive wife)
“Tonight at 7/6 Central, only on CNN”
For the past few weeks, we have been highlighting passages from Ronald Reagan’s personal diaries. Here is tonight’s entry. Announcer: “July 21st, 1986: This morning, I called in a local radio station and, pretending my name was ‘Jim,’ collapsed in their weekly Ronald Reagan sound-alike contest. I am happy to say I came in third and won two tickets to an upcoming Steve Winwood concert at Jones Beach.
This has been an excerpt from the Reagan Diaries.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush – I don’t know . . . something about 3 or 4 children.
ACT 2 LATE SHOW FUN FACTS
THE EARTH EXPERIENCES 50,000 EARTHQUAKES A YEAR
RHODE ISLAND WAS THE LAST OF THE ORIGINAL THIRTEEN COLONIES TO BECOME A STATE
THE MONA LISA HAS NO EYEBROWS – SHAVED EYEBROWS WERE A FAD AT THE TIME
DUE TO A CALENDAR MIX-UP, THERE WERE TWO YEARS IN A ROW IDENTIFIED AS “1973”
20% OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE THEIR APPENDIX REMOVED LATER DECIDE TO HAVE IT REINSTALLED
CLOSE EXAMINATION OF THE DIME REVEALS THAT ROOSEVELT IS SWEATY
TO RESEARCH HIS ROLE IN “TOOTSIE,” DUSTIN HOFFMAN SPENT TWO YEARS LIVING AS A WOMAN
ARCHAEOLOGISTS BELIEVE THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA WAS BUILT TO KEEP OUT MEXICANS
SINCE 1917, THE PULITZER PRIZE COMMITTEE HAS GIVEN AWAY NEARLY 2,000 MEDALS, MORE THAN $20 MILLION AND DOZENS OF JET SKIS
WHEN YOU’RE OUT OF SCHLITZ, YOU’RE OUT OF BEER
IN THE EARLY DRAFTS OF “MOBY DICK,” MOBY DICK WAS A TURTLE
ABRAHAM LINCOLN WAS WEARING HIS STOVEPIPE HAT WHEN HE LOST HIS VIRGINITY
MORE THAN 30% OF THE WORLD’S SALT IS USED TO GARNISH MARGARITAS
MOSES’ CLOSE FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS CALLED HIM “MO”
IN THE FOUR YEARS HE WAS VICE PRESIDENT, DAN QUAYLE USED UP ONLY ONE “FROM THE DESK OF DAN QUAYLE” NOTEPAD
APPROXIMATELY 200,000 DRIVERS A YEAR ARE SERIOUSLY BURNED BY EZ-PASS SENSORS
THE UNITED STATES POSTMASTER GENERAL MUST BE ABLE TO LICK AT LEAST 40 STAMPS PER MINUTE
EVERY TUESDAY IS SLOPPY JOE NIGHT AT THE WHITE HOUSE
IT IS BELIEVED THAT, BY 2028, A CUP OF STARBUCKS COFFEE WILL COST 19 DOLLARS
THE HIGHEST-GROSSING MOVIE OF ALL TIME IS “CROCODILE DUNDEE II”
WOLF BLITZER GOT HIS START AS AN MTV VEEJAY
IN THE WORLD OF MUSICIANS, NO ONE GETS LAID LIKE TROMBONE PLAYERS
ORVILLE WRIGHT WAS THE FIRST MEMBER OF THE MILE-HIGH CLUB
BARBARA WALTERS WAS ONCE ARRESTED FOR PLAYING GOLF NAKED
AS A SMALL BOY, TIGER WOODS WAS BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE TIGER
THOMAS EDISON WAS THE FIRST PERSON EVER TO SAY, “DOES MY VOICE REALLY SOUND LIKE THAT?”
CRIMINALS CAN ELUDE LAW-ENFORCEMENT JURISDICTION BY FLEEING TO THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES
THE FIRST ITEM EVER PATENTED AT THE UNITED STATES PATENT OFFICE WAS THE PATENT APPLICATION FORM
UNTIL 1961, POPES MADE THEIR LIVING MOSTLY ON TIPS
ACT 3 TOP TEN: Signs You’re Watching a Bad Organized Crime Show. 3. Everyone dies after catching tuberculosis from guy on airplane 1. It’s less violent than a typical episode of ‘The View’.
ELLEN BARKIN: She’s in the film E“Ocean’s Thirteen.” It opened today. She once had a crush on Dave. She was married to Gabriel Byrne for 7 years. She was married to a guy who makes lipstick. The divorce was messy.
ACT 4
We have a photo of the Mona Lisa. The photo proves the fun fact from earlier in the program, “The Mona Lisa has no eyebrows – shaved eyebrows were a fad at the time” is false. The Mona Lisa clearly has eyebrows . . . at least in the photo we have.
GLEN MURPHY: His life was miraculously saved when his pet goat gave him the Heimlich maneuver. He is here to tell his story.
Glen is from West Nyack, New York, just up the Hudson. He works as an importer/exporter, dealing mainly in marble, Italian and Brazilian.
His goat, Dougie, he found on a camping trip about 20 years ago. The goat was just a kid at the time. Glen keeps Dougie in the basement and he is a great pet, great with children. Does Glen have any other pets? He does, a turtle.
Dave finds a goat to be a bit of an odd pet. Glen informs that’s changing. He read where by 2011, goats will be more popular as pets than cats.
The story: Glen sat in front of the TV set to watch “Wheel of Fortune.” He prepared a plate of chicken nuggets to snack on. Glen became excited when he realized he knew the answer to the puzzle. What was the puzzle answer? “The Captain and Tennille.” Unfortunately, in his excitement a chicken nugget got lodged in his windpipe. Dougie, his goat, was not in the basement at this time and sensed Glen was in trouble. The goat leapt to the rescue and performed the Heimlich maneuver on the grateful Glen. We prepared an animation of the heroic event and we watch. We see Glen munching on a nugget. We see him begin to choke. We see Dougie the goat spring into action and jump behind Glen. Dougie then squeezes out the lodged nugget.
Back live to Glen and Dave. Dave announces that we have the hero goat with us tonight. Dave calls for the goat. No goat. We hear a ruckus coming from backstage. Glen grows concerned. More noise, more banging. Glen rises from his chair, screams at Dave at what appears to be happening and runs out through the guest entrance to see what was happening. Glen runs out to 53rd Street screaming Dougie’s name. We cut to Glen’s POV to see the goat being chased by 3 stagehands. Glen joins in the chase to retrieve the runaway goat. It’s not what we had in mind. I’m sure someone on the staff will be getting a talking-to.
ACT 5: HAVE YOU SEEN THIS GOAT?
“And now it’s time for a Late Show Announcement. Have you seen this goat? He answers to the name ‘Dougie’ and was last seen running west on 53rd Street. If you see Dougie, don’t approach him. He may be angry. Instead, contact your local authorities. This has been a Late Show Announcement.
ACT 6 WILL IT FLOAT?
Tonight’s item: a jug of cheap wine in a glass gallon jug.
Dave: it’ll float.
Paul: it’ll float.
The Late Show models drop the gallon of cheap wine into the Will It Float tank and it . . . . SINKS! It sinks! Paul laments, “But I was so confident!” Dave simply replies, “And that’s why we play ‘Will It Float?’”
ACT 7 BRIAN REGAN: He has a one-hour Comedy Central special premiering this Sunday at 10 P.M. called “Standing Up.” So, watch “The Sopranos” and then switch over to Comedy Central.
Brian accidentally purchased a franchise in Florida. He drove up to a McDonald’s Drive Thru. He placed an order. And then he was asked in a thick accent: “Would you like French fries with that?” This was followed up with “And Pepsi Cola?” Brian said, “Sure.”
Turned out he bought a franchise in Pensacola.
Brian has an Italian friend who doesn’t speak Italian but pretends he can. It becomes obvious when he mentions Italian food items. Brian is Irish but you won’t catch him talking in Gaelic or a thick Irish accent when mentioning Corned Beef.
And that was our show for Friday, June 8, 2007.
Inside information: Do not read unless you want to know in advance how "The Sopranos" ends.
Tony Soprano is arrested. He is sentenced to 3 weeks in the county jail. He is released after 5 days to house arrest. He is then brought back to court the next day to finish the sentence. Tony is seen kicking and screaming and crying. He cries out, “Mommy, it’s not right!” Fade to black.
Paris Hilton going back to court on Friday. Yeesh. Wall-to-wall coverage by Fox News and CNN. The Fox News had the graphic “ALERT” over their coverage. On CNN, the commentators labeled the proceedings as a spectacle. And CNN being there only made it more so. Like I tell my kids, ignore it and it will go away.
Remember, don’t be mad at Paris. Be mad at everyone who made this possible. She is who she is. It’s up to us to decide what we do with that.
My 11-year-old girls play on a traveling basketball team. The other day they were playing in a tournament at a local college. They played on one of three practice courts. The middle court in which they played did not have a fully marked sideline running up and down the court. There was about a 40-foot gap that the organizers wisely filled with blue masking tape. But instead of a 40-foot straight line of tape, they put down a 10-inch piece of tape followed by a 10-inch gap followed by a 10-inch piece of tape followed by a gap, etc. Within a minute of arriving at the court, I noticed that one of the 10-inch pieces of tape was cockeyed. It was not in a straight line with the other pieces. It was crooked and off-center. I was surprised no one saw it and fixed it. It bothered me more than it should have but since my girls were playing on a different court, I let it go. The girls played two games and then we went home for the night. We came back on Sunday and were assigned the middle court, the one with the cockeyed piece of tape. It still was offline. No one changed it the day before. I sighed and rolled my eyes but thought I was just being me. I convinced myself to not say anything. I figured if the tournament officials thought it was OK, I should be satisfied with that, too.
So the game starts. It’s a close game. Early in the game, each team dribbles out of bounds along the sideline in question, with the blue broken line of masking tape. Neither of the girls was closely covered. They just didn’t realize they were near the out of bounds. They were looking at a different out of bounds line. I sighed, rolled my eyes, and wondered how much money the tournament saved by making a dash-line instead of one long straight line of tape? How much did they save, a nickel? Anyway, I’m not one to scream and yell at these games. I try to be a respectful spectator, encouraging my girls, their team, and applauding good plays by both teams. So I didn’t complain. Later in the game, a girl on our team dribbles down the sideline and steps on the out-of-bounds line. “Out of bounds” whistles the ref. And why was she out of bounds? Because she stepped on the out of bounds line. And what part of the line did she step on? That’s right, the cockeyed piece of tape. The one that was not in line. The one that was 4 inches inside the court. The piece of tape I noticed within seconds of entering the building the day before came back to haunt ME 36 hours later. No one else seemed to be bothered by it. I bit my tongue.
I soon realized I forgot to supply my girls with water for the game. One of them gets my attention to ask for a bottle of Iceland water. I run to the snack stand and buy two bottles. I make myself as small as possible and get the water bottles to my girls on the bench. I make myself as small as possible and make my way back to my seat. I glance at the cockeyed piece of tape and curse it silently. While I was gone, the parents feel our team is getting the short end of a lot of calls by the refs. They are getting riled. Three straight calls went against us. The refs are cheating because they have a connection to the team we are playing. That’s what I’m told, anyway. I try to quell their frustration by explaining a ref would never do that. A ref just wants to call a game without getting involved in any arguments. Arguments make a ref’s job difficult. Knowingly making a bad call is not worth the trouble. They remain unconvinced. Seconds later, a girl on the other team is dribbling up the court. I am right in line with that blasted out-of-bounds line. The girl steps on the line, strides and steps on it again, strides and steps on it a third time. I yell out, “Out of bounds!” While yelling out, I look for where the ref is. The ref is right behind the dribbler staring straight at the girl’s feet. Three times she stepped on the line, three times the ref did not blow the whistle. I was livid. If the ref was on the other side of the court or was not in position to see the infraction, I could live with that. It’s part of the game. But this guy was right on it. He was right on the play. He was staring HARD at the out of bounds line. But he did not make the call. It was the angriest I have ever been at an official. Seconds before I had defended this ref and all refs who have ever officiated a game. But this guy convinced me that they are open to question. A bad call is a bad call and I can live with that. This was much worse. He made a bad call on purpose. I kept quiet, as hard as it was for me. I do not want to become one of those parents.
Remember the Edith Piaf film I touted that came out today, “La Vie en Rose”? It was reviewed in Friday’s Daily News. Here is the first and last paragraph of Jack Mathews review, something I suggested earlier this week.
“Less than an hour after watching writer-director Olivier Dahan’s impressionistic biography of legendary French singer Edith Piaf, I was in a record store buying two CD collections of her songs.”
And finally. . .
“The song for which Piaf is best-known --- ‘Non, Je ne Regrette Rien’ --- leads to a killer finale with Cotillard perfectly lip-synching Piaf’s recording of it. Trust me: you’ll want to own it.”
“Brave men tell the truth,
A wise man's tools are analogies and puzzles,
A woman holds her tongue,
Knowing silence will speak for her.
So now I'll never know,
As you will only sleep beside me,
And everywhere I go...
There's always something to remind me
Of another place and time
Where love that travelled far had found me.”
Do you recognize the song? It’s the song you hear in the Geico commercial when the caveman is in the airport on the moving walkway and passes an offensive billboard.
The song: “Remind Me” by Royksopp”
And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Pearl River, New York, it ‘s Tom Gilbride.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • Paris Behind Bars • Democratic Debate • The Reagan Diaries • Great Moments In Presidential Speeches
ACT 2 • Late Show Fun Facts
ACT 3 • Top Ten Signs You're Watching a Bad Mafia Movie Read now
