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TOP TEN LIST You know it, you love it, you can't live without it: the revolutionary comedy bit that won Dave the Nobel Peace Prize. Check out the latest Top Ten List here.
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WAHOO GAZETTE LATE SHOW staffer Mike McIntee gives you a daily show summary and the behind-the-scenes lowdown with his daily Wahoo Gazette. So much juicy inside information that you'll say "Wahoo!"
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
THE WAHOO GAZETTE ARCHIVE Mike McIntee's popular Wahoo Gazette is archived here in the aptly- named Wahoo Gazette Archive. You can search by date, keyword, or show number, or even Dave's tie pattern (coming June 2012).
Tobey Maguire; John Byner; and Modest Mouse. PLUS:A Scene From “Spider-Man 3”; John McCain Interviews Himself; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a Top Ten List; What’s On The Ipod?; and “That’s Ironic!”
“ . . . and now, your source of industrial-grade garnets . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1 Spider-Man 3 opens this Friday. Dave saw the film recently and found it to be very interesting. We see a clip.
We find Spider-Man sitting on a sofa watching TV. His wife/girlfriend is ironing. We hear gunshots from outside. The wife/girlfriend looks towards the window, then snaps at the lazy Spider-Man: “Are you gonna do something?”
Spider-Man: “I don’t do ‘djoy’ while Montel’s on. Now why don’t you climb down off my ass and get Spidey another beer.”
The girl friend had another line with a harsher expletive but I didn’t see it in my script.
Did you watch “Fox News Sunday” this weekend? It’s was a very entertaining program. Senator John McCain interviewed himself. We see McCain on “Fox News Sunday.” McCain: “Do I like sometimes what I read that’s written about me? Of course not. Can I get angry about it? Of course not. Do I get angry at corruption when I see it? Sure. Do I get angry when I see this pork barrel spending? Of course. Do I get angry when I see people not acting up to standards that the American people expect us to? Of course. Do I have temper tantrums? No.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see Bush say something about “Where we’ve been through. . . .”
ACT 2
Dave recaps some of the recent happenings in trying to get Tobey Maguire, Spider-Man, on the show. We had first heard Mr. Maguire had said “Never again will I ever be on your lousy show.” Words were exchanged back and forth. Al Sharpton was called in. Well, thankfully, things got ironed out and Tobey Maguire is here tonight.
Tonight we’re playing, “WHAT’S ON THE IPOD?” with Biff Henderson. We find Biff out on Broadway with a contestant. She is Kim from northern Indiana, the part of Indiana that doesn’t have cities. Dave, a native Hoosier, was hoping something more specific. What is Kim doing in New York City? She’s here on her honeymoon! Hey, how about that?! Asks Dave, “And your husband, is he back at the hotel resting up?” Bah-dum-bum.
It’s time to play. The rules: Biff will sing along to a song on his ipod. Kim will have 30 seconds to determine the song.
Alan, what song will Biff be singing along to tonight?
Alan: “Hi, I’m Alan Kalter, TV’s Johnny Mambo. Tonight’s song is, ‘This Ain’t A Scene, It’s An Arms Race’ by Fall Out Boy.”
OK, we’re ready to play. Biff plugs in his Ipod and attempts to sing the song. I think Biff was expecting the lyrics to show up on his Ipod because he was singing the song title and artist that appeared. Those words are not found in the song. But by singing those words, it makes it easy to guess the song title. DOH! And was Kim peaking at the iPod for the answer? Something was screwy about the whole thing. I don’t think Biff was familiar with the Ipod. Now, give him a hi-fi and he’d be right at home.
That’s my suggestion for next week: “What’s On The Hi-Fi?” featuring Biff Henderson.
ACT 3 TOP TEN: Signs Fidel Castro is Fully Recovered – my informational blue card: “Nine months after receiving emergency surgery, 80-year-old Fidel Castro has been declared fit and ‘in charge’ by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.” I was hoping Dave would be amused by the truthful wording on the blue card. I was happy it made him laugh. 9. His coat is shiny and his nose is wet. 8. Organized six guerillas to rob Mick Jagger’s apartment. 6. In NFL draft, was taken before Brady Quinn.
I liked the Brady Quinn joke, and hope it’s one of those that’s repeated no matter the topic.
JOHN BYNER: He’s been on this stage long before any of us. I like John Byner. I sense he’s funny even without the voices. Tonight, John did Ed Sullivan, Johnny Mathis, Jackie Mason, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, Topo Gigio, and Joe Cocker. For those of you not in Byner’s demographic, Joe Cocker is a singer.
ACT 4 TOBEY MAGUIRE: Dave introduces the biggest name in showbiz this week, Tobey Maguire. Tobey sits and seems very happy to be here. Dave doesn’t seem all that . . . enthused with his questioning. Paul is a bit confused and questions whether we really have Tobey Maguire. And then out comes the real Tobey Maguire. So who did we have? It was Topher Grace. Tobey and Topher have some curt words and Topher is shooed off.
It’s been four years since Tobey’s been here. What’s up? Tobey says his last visit didn’t go too well. There was a lot of awkwardness. And he’s got a clip to show what he’s talking about. We see Tobey and Dave from four years ago. Tobey is answering a question, and then Dave just sits saying nothing, looking at Tobey. Tobey looks back at Dave, also saying nothing. The silence lasted a good 10 seconds. Hopefully, tonight will go better. Spider-Man 3 opens this Friday. Is Tobey making some nice coin on the Spider-Man franchise? Tobey says he is, but adds, “I’m not making Letterman money.”
And Tobey is now a new dad to a 5 month old baby girl. Dave delights in the good fortune of the new father. Dave knows the joys of fatherhood and guesses Tobey has to wrestle thoughts of his daughter out of his mind or else it would absolutely dominate his thinking all day long. Dave and Tobey are both dads. Dave points out they have something else in common . . . they are not married to the mother of their child. But Tobey says he is engaged. Dave laughs and says he is too.
And Dave’s heard that Tobey is quite the poker player, perhaps even a bit of a shark! Shhhhhh! I would imagine a good poker player would want to keep that quiet. It’s easier to entice the unknowing in for a game. Tobey says he is better than your average player. Spider-Man 3 opens this Friday. We see a clip. Oops! Wrong clip. We got the Shecky footage of a guy shooting at a spider from some movie back in the ‘20s. On our second try, we get the right Spider-Man clip.
ACT 5 Impressionist Week 2 continues:
Wednesday: Mike MacRae
Thursday: Joe Piscopo
Friday: Reggie Reg
ACT 6
A new study by the Better Sleep Council reveals that more and more Americans are suffering serious effects from sleeplessness. We take a look at the announcement. Dave sits there waiting for the video clip that isn’t coming. What’s the deal? Do we have the tape? Dave looks over to our executive producer for help. We cut to just outside the Control Room to find our video tape editor asleep in the tape room. Dave calls out his name to wake him, “Tom! Tom!” Tom wakens and says, “Oh, sorry, Dave, the show put me right to sleep.” Freeze; slide whistle SFX. Graphic: “That’s Ironic!”
Announce: “
“’That’s Ironic!’ is sponsored by Lunesta, the prescription sleep-aid trusted by millions. Ask your doctor if Lunesta is right for you! Back to you, Dave.”
ACT 7 MODEST MOUSE: From their new CD, “We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank,” Modest Mouse performed “Dashboard.” My ears perked listening to them. I liked it, and that doesn’t happen much anymore.
And that was our show for Tuesday May 1, 2007.
My John Byner memory: I’m watching a game show, “Make Me Laugh.” The premise, I believe, was for a comedian to try to make a contestant and/or a celebrity laugh. If the contestant and/or celebrity could keep from laughing, the contestant won money. So John Byner is trying his best to make J.P. Morgan laugh. No luck. He tries everything, but J.P. keeps a stoic front. The contestant is already counting his money. With seconds remaining, John Byner does his Johnny Mathis impersonation. J.P. Morgan bursts out laughing. She cries, “NO NO NO, anything but Johnny Mathis!” For the rest of the program, whenever Byner needed J.P. Morgan to laugh, he would only have to THINK about Johnny Mathis and Morgan would crack up uncontrollably.
And that’s my memory of John Byner.
I got some bug bugging me; makin’ me illin’. It’s half in the head, half in the stomach. As long as it continues to be halved, I’ll be OK. Any major shift one way or the other and it’ll be trouble.
I wonder if the D.C. Madam has some ABC people in her little black book, and if so, whether we’ll find out about it this Friday on 20/20.
Gas heading to $4? As long as we continue to pay for gas by credit card, we’ll continue to pay without too much complaint. If we had to pay $40-$50 in CASH each stop, people would be yelling a whole lot louder.
I’m flipping the channels last night and stopped on Bill O’Reilly. Have you seen this bit on the show about body language with a Tonya Reiman? Hoo boy, what a load of junk that is. I decided to see who this woman is and did a quick check on her website. It doesn’t tell you much about her background. There’s a lot there telling you what she is doing now, but not much telling you how she got there. She’s a body language expert. Sheesh. My guess is if she read the President’s body language and analyzed it as “idiot”, and then looked at Rosie O’Donnell and called her “genius”, she wouldn’t be back on Bill’s show. And I have a feeling she knows that, too. That’s all you need to know about her ability to read body language on the O’Reilly Factor. I think she’s better at reading how to get an invite back on his show.
Monologue joke pitch for Wednesday night’s show. If you hear it, it’s mine:
“I’m an idiot. Before the show in an attempt to put him at ease, I said to tonight’s impressionist Mike MacRae, ‘Just be yourself.’”
And now more useless information from “The Book of Useless Information.”
- the Venus Flytrap can eat a whole hamburger
- the bark of a redwood tree is fireproof. Fires that occur in a redwood forest takes place inside the trees.
- An iceberg contains more heat than a match
- H2O expands as if freezes and contracts as it melts, displacing the exact amount of fluid in either state. So if the northern ice cap did melt, it would cause absolutely no rise in the level of the ocean. (Hmmm, I may want to rebut this at a later date)
- Hot water is heavier than cold.
And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.
“Six two and even, over and out.”
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Carol Stream, Illinois, it’s the very lovely Liz Bryers.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Tobey Maguire; John Byner; and Modest Mouse. PLUS:A Scene From “Spider-Man 3”; John McCain Interviews Himself; Great Moments in Presidential Speeches; a Top Ten List; What’s On The Ipod?; and “That’s Ironic!”
“ . . . and now, your source of industrial-grade garnets . . . . David Letterman!”
ACT 1 Spider-Man 3 opens this Friday. Dave saw the film recently and found it to be very interesting. We see a clip.
We find Spider-Man sitting on a sofa watching TV. His wife/girlfriend is ironing. We hear gunshots from outside. The wife/girlfriend looks towards the window, then snaps at the lazy Spider-Man: “Are you gonna do something?”
Spider-Man: “I don’t do ‘djoy’ while Montel’s on. Now why don’t you climb down off my ass and get Spidey another beer.”
The girl friend had another line with a harsher expletive but I didn’t see it in my script.
Did you watch “Fox News Sunday” this weekend? It’s was a very entertaining program. Senator John McCain interviewed himself. We see McCain on “Fox News Sunday.” McCain: “Do I like sometimes what I read that’s written about me? Of course not. Can I get angry about it? Of course not. Do I get angry at corruption when I see it? Sure. Do I get angry when I see this pork barrel spending? Of course. Do I get angry when I see people not acting up to standards that the American people expect us to? Of course. Do I have temper tantrums? No.”
GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see Bush say something about “Where we’ve been through. . . .”
ACT 2
Dave recaps some of the recent happenings in trying to get Tobey Maguire, Spider-Man, on the show. We had first heard Mr. Maguire had said “Never again will I ever be on your lousy show.” Words were exchanged back and forth. Al Sharpton was called in. Well, thankfully, things got ironed out and Tobey Maguire is here tonight.
Tonight we’re playing, “WHAT’S ON THE IPOD?” with Biff Henderson. We find Biff out on Broadway with a contestant. She is Kim from northern Indiana, the part of Indiana that doesn’t have cities. Dave, a native Hoosier, was hoping something more specific. What is Kim doing in New York City? She’s here on her honeymoon! Hey, how about that?! Asks Dave, “And your husband, is he back at the hotel resting up?” Bah-dum-bum.
It’s time to play. The rules: Biff will sing along to a song on his ipod. Kim will have 30 seconds to determine the song.
Alan, what song will Biff be singing along to tonight?
Alan: “Hi, I’m Alan Kalter, TV’s Johnny Mambo. Tonight’s song is, ‘This Ain’t A Scene, It’s An Arms Race’ by Fall Out Boy.”
OK, we’re ready to play. Biff plugs in his Ipod and attempts to sing the song. I think Biff was expecting the lyrics to show up on his Ipod because he was singing the song title and artist that appeared. Those words are not found in the song. But by singing those words, it makes it easy to guess the song title. DOH! And was Kim peaking at the iPod for the answer? Something was screwy about the whole thing. I don’t think Biff was familiar with the Ipod. Now, give him a hi-fi and he’d be right at home.
That’s my suggestion for next week: “What’s On The Hi-Fi?” featuring Biff Henderson.
ACT 3 TOP TEN: Signs Fidel Castro is Fully Recovered – my informational blue card: “Nine months after receiving emergency surgery, 80-year-old Fidel Castro has been declared fit and ‘in charge’ by Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.” I was hoping Dave would be amused by the truthful wording on the blue card. I was happy it made him laugh. 9. His coat is shiny and his nose is wet. 8. Organized six guerillas to rob Mick Jagger’s apartment. 6. In NFL draft, was taken before Brady Quinn.
I liked the Brady Quinn joke, and hope it’s one of those that’s repeated no matter the topic.
JOHN BYNER: He’s been on this stage long before any of us. I like John Byner. I sense he’s funny even without the voices. Tonight, John did Ed Sullivan, Johnny Mathis, Jackie Mason, Dean Martin and Jerry Lewis, Topo Gigio, and Joe Cocker. For those of you not in Byner’s demographic, Joe Cocker is a singer.
ACT 4 TOBEY MAGUIRE: Dave introduces the biggest name in showbiz this week, Tobey Maguire. Tobey sits and seems very happy to be here. Dave doesn’t seem all that . . . enthused with his questioning. Paul is a bit confused and questions whether we really have Tobey Maguire. And then out comes the real Tobey Maguire. So who did we have? It was Topher Grace. Tobey and Topher have some curt words and Topher is shooed off.
It’s been four years since Tobey’s been here. What’s up? Tobey says his last visit didn’t go too well. There was a lot of awkwardness. And he’s got a clip to show what he’s talking about. We see Tobey and Dave from four years ago. Tobey is answering a question, and then Dave just sits saying nothing, looking at Tobey. Tobey looks back at Dave, also saying nothing. The silence lasted a good 10 seconds. Hopefully, tonight will go better. Spider-Man 3 opens this Friday. Is Tobey making some nice coin on the Spider-Man franchise? Tobey says he is, but adds, “I’m not making Letterman money.”
And Tobey is now a new dad to a 5 month old baby girl. Dave delights in the good fortune of the new father. Dave knows the joys of fatherhood and guesses Tobey has to wrestle thoughts of his daughter out of his mind or else it would absolutely dominate his thinking all day long. Dave and Tobey are both dads. Dave points out they have something else in common . . . they are not married to the mother of their child. But Tobey says he is engaged. Dave laughs and says he is too.
And Dave’s heard that Tobey is quite the poker player, perhaps even a bit of a shark! Shhhhhh! I would imagine a good poker player would want to keep that quiet. It’s easier to entice the unknowing in for a game. Tobey says he is better than your average player. Spider-Man 3 opens this Friday. We see a clip. Oops! Wrong clip. We got the Shecky footage of a guy shooting at a spider from some movie back in the ‘20s. On our second try, we get the right Spider-Man clip.
ACT 5 Impressionist Week 2 continues:
Wednesday: Mike MacRae
Thursday: Joe Piscopo
Friday: Reggie Reg
ACT 6
A new study by the Better Sleep Council reveals that more and more Americans are suffering serious effects from sleeplessness. We take a look at the announcement. Dave sits there waiting for the video clip that isn’t coming. What’s the deal? Do we have the tape? Dave looks over to our executive producer for help. We cut to just outside the Control Room to find our video tape editor asleep in the tape room. Dave calls out his name to wake him, “Tom! Tom!” Tom wakens and says, “Oh, sorry, Dave, the show put me right to sleep.” Freeze; slide whistle SFX. Graphic: “That’s Ironic!”
Announce: “
“’That’s Ironic!’ is sponsored by Lunesta, the prescription sleep-aid trusted by millions. Ask your doctor if Lunesta is right for you! Back to you, Dave.”
ACT 7 MODEST MOUSE: From their new CD, “We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank,” Modest Mouse performed “Dashboard.” My ears perked listening to them. I liked it, and that doesn’t happen much anymore.
And that was our show for Tuesday May 1, 2007.
My John Byner memory: I’m watching a game show, “Make Me Laugh.” The premise, I believe, was for a comedian to try to make a contestant and/or a celebrity laugh. If the contestant and/or celebrity could keep from laughing, the contestant won money. So John Byner is trying his best to make J.P. Morgan laugh. No luck. He tries everything, but J.P. keeps a stoic front. The contestant is already counting his money. With seconds remaining, John Byner does his Johnny Mathis impersonation. J.P. Morgan bursts out laughing. She cries, “NO NO NO, anything but Johnny Mathis!” For the rest of the program, whenever Byner needed J.P. Morgan to laugh, he would only have to THINK about Johnny Mathis and Morgan would crack up uncontrollably.
And that’s my memory of John Byner.
I got some bug bugging me; makin’ me illin’. It’s half in the head, half in the stomach. As long as it continues to be halved, I’ll be OK. Any major shift one way or the other and it’ll be trouble.
I wonder if the D.C. Madam has some ABC people in her little black book, and if so, whether we’ll find out about it this Friday on 20/20.
Gas heading to $4? As long as we continue to pay for gas by credit card, we’ll continue to pay without too much complaint. If we had to pay $40-$50 in CASH each stop, people would be yelling a whole lot louder.
I’m flipping the channels last night and stopped on Bill O’Reilly. Have you seen this bit on the show about body language with a Tonya Reiman? Hoo boy, what a load of junk that is. I decided to see who this woman is and did a quick check on her website. It doesn’t tell you much about her background. There’s a lot there telling you what she is doing now, but not much telling you how she got there. She’s a body language expert. Sheesh. My guess is if she read the President’s body language and analyzed it as “idiot”, and then looked at Rosie O’Donnell and called her “genius”, she wouldn’t be back on Bill’s show. And I have a feeling she knows that, too. That’s all you need to know about her ability to read body language on the O’Reilly Factor. I think she’s better at reading how to get an invite back on his show.
Monologue joke pitch for Wednesday night’s show. If you hear it, it’s mine:
“I’m an idiot. Before the show in an attempt to put him at ease, I said to tonight’s impressionist Mike MacRae, ‘Just be yourself.’”
And now more useless information from “The Book of Useless Information.”
- the Venus Flytrap can eat a whole hamburger
- the bark of a redwood tree is fireproof. Fires that occur in a redwood forest takes place inside the trees.
- An iceberg contains more heat than a match
- H2O expands as if freezes and contracts as it melts, displacing the exact amount of fluid in either state. So if the northern ice cap did melt, it would cause absolutely no rise in the level of the ocean. (Hmmm, I may want to rebut this at a later date)
- Hot water is heavier than cold.
And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world’s longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.
“Six two and even, over and out.”
CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Carol Stream, Illinois, it’s the very lovely Liz Bryers.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
ACT 1 • Show Open • Dave's Monologue Watch now • Spider-Man Preview • John McCain Interivews Himself • Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
ACT 2 • Top Ten Signs Fidel Castro Is Fully Recovered Read now
