"...and now, with probiotic cultures...David Letterman!

ACT 1
This happened for the 2nd time to Dave. When something happens two times, it makes you go "hmmm." The other day, Arsenio . . . I mean Dave, was approached by a guy who shook Dave's hand. Immediately afterwards, the guy apologized when he realized that Dave doesn't like to shake hands since he has a germ phobia.
The first time this happened was some years back when he went to a doctor for an exam. The doctor checked Dave's liver, which he said was the size of Dave's desk due to his penchant for the drink. After the doctor shook Dave's hand, he apologized, knowing of Dave's fear of shaking hands.
But Dave doesn't have a fear of shaking hands. He doesn't have a fear of germs. But how do you say you don't fear germs? Dave doesn't like germs, but he doesn't hate them or fear them. It's Howie Mandel who has the germ fear. Not Dave.

We had one heckuva rainfall on Sunday: over 7 inches fell on Central Park and by the time it was all over, it was more than 8. It was the wettest day in the city since 1882. And it was coupled with high winds.
Tonight, Tony Mendez will recreate what we from the metropolitan area went through. Tony holds up a watering can and poured it in front of the camera lens. He leans in and blows to simulate the wind. And that's the way it was, Sunday, April 15th, 2007.

Regis Philbin called into his show again this morning to give an update on his condition following heart bypass surgery. He's recovering, but he's still in a lot of pain. We have a clip of that phone call.
We see Kelly Ripa at the "Live! With Regis and Kelly" desk with Mark Consuelos. Kelly is excited to hear from Regis. Regis responds with groans and moans and coughs and wheezing. He sounds to be in great pain. And it is said he's due back in a couple weeks. But he really doesn't sound close to being ready.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush: "I also reminded him that uhhhh . . . . ."

ACT 2
Dave has no problem with germs. In fact, it's just the opposite. All day long Dave goes around telling people, "Please, touch me."

SMALL TOWN NEWS
-The Herald-Journal (Greensboro, Georgia): "The Greensboro Chicken is missing. Reward for information: Grilled chicken sandwich at the Red Rooster." Dave reads some more of the article . . . "The chicken's name is Butt Butt, and also goes by 'Gert.'" -The Daily Vidette (Illinois State University, Normal, Illinois): Crime report. "A male was arrested for stealing three cookies from Watterson Food Court. The suspect claimed to have had the cookies for days, but the officers found them to be still soft."
Dave plays the police officer who broke the case, booking the cookie bandit and taking him away in the police cruiser.
-A flyer from Super Fresh Supermarket in Delaware: This is quite a deal: "Save zero cents on Dixie Cups. Assorted Varieties." The coupon is for .00 cents. And there's worse news. The coupon expired last week.
-The Valley News (Temecula, California): Here's a garage sale listing: "Saturday 3/24. Tools, jewelry, loads of miscellaneous. 1330 E. Fallbrook Street (across from Debby.) -The Herald Standard (Uniontown, Pennsylvania) "Inmate charges abuse in lawsuit. Felzio Cartilano, 31, alleged that six guards attacked him, ‘Which resulted in me passing out and dying.'"
-The Mineral County Independent-News (Hawthorne, Nevada): Here's an informative letter to the community from the commerce department. (slow zoo, to a letter with scrambled lettering)
-The Blade (Toledo, Ohio): For sale under medical equipment/supplies: "Examination table doctor complete with paper rolls and foot stirrups. Back adjustable. Nice conversation piece. Make offer."
-The New Zealand Herald (Auckland, New Zealand): Here's an ad for a fundraising dinner: "Auction: Weekends away, paintings, a vasectomy, and more."
- The Times-Georgian (Carrolton, Georgia): Here are some "Best of Carroll County 2007" listings. "Best Barbecue: Bowdon Animal Clinic"
- Brampton Guardian (Ontario, Canada): "Old-fashioned hookers keep tradition alive." See a photo of elderly crocheters working on a rug.

At the end of Small Town News, Dave bangs away as his desk microphone with a pencil. After a few hits, the pencil shatters and the eraser goes flying. Dave does it again for our entertainment. Pretty good. I "Played The Dave" and said "You don't get to see stuff like this on the Regis and Kelly Show." Dave didn't say it. I lost at "Play The Dave."

ACT 3
TOP TEN - Answers to the question, "How Rainy Is It?"
#4. It's so rainy, Tom Cruise is lecturing Matt Lauer on precipitation.

ACT 3-4
KELLY RIPA: Kelly says not only is it rumored that Dave has a fear of germs, but that he keeps the theater so cold because all of his suit jackets are lined with fur. Dave opens his jacket to prove his jackets are not lined with fur. And then he reaches into his inside pocket and pulls out a cookie for Kelly. Kelly eats and says, "Wow, these are still moist."
How's Regis? Kelly says he is a very private fellow, and she and the staff would only find out how he was doing by watching the Late Show. Working without Regis has been very exhausting for Kelly. Regis does most of the work on the show. Dave, sensing a bit of exaggeration, chimes in, "C'mon now, let's get a hold of yourself." Kelly continues, saying that is was Regis who had to listen to the guests and take the commercial cues and had to pay attention to everything that was going on. Kelly is a bit surprised at the work load and points out that this isn't what she had signed up for. He's scheduled to be back on the show Thursday, April 26th.
Kelly is on the cover of the new "Shape" magazine in a red bikini. And she's a mom of 3. Now that's something that makes me say "Hmmm." In the article, she talks about how she decided to get healthy. One thing she did was quit smoking. She used to smoke a long time ago but took it when she began work on her sitcom, "Faith and Hope" or "Hope and Faith." She was very afraid to be discovered so she smoked on the sneak and she was sure to shower before going home from work to smell smoke-free. She feels she hit rock-bottom when she found herself ducking behind a dumpster in Queens to smoke a cigarette. She took an anti-depressant to help her quit and it worked. It helped her forget any memories of smoking and break any connection to cigarettes. And what was the anti-depressant she used? I don't know. I missed it. I could probably find out but I don't want you all to go out running to your local drug store to buy a drug to stop you from using a drug. Cigarette smokers who want to quit: forget about your health; just think about how much it costs.
Kelly Ripa: She'll be hosting the 5th Annual TV Land Awards this Sunday, April 22nd. I've seen a few. They are always a lot of fun.

ACT 5
"The most down-loaded show in the internet is the Tony Mendez Show. You can join Tony and the gang for an all-new episode this Tuesday by logging on to www.cbs.com/lateshow. You'll be glad you did. We'll be right back."

Did you see the Wahoo Gazette in the photo promoting the Tony Mendez Show? It was right there on national TV. To read the Wahoo Gazette, simply go to the Late Show website and click on the Wahoo Gazette. The online producers are currently working on providing a transcript for each issue of the Wahoo Gazette. Hopefully it's coming soon.

ACT 6
Dave turned 60 last week and he's found that he's doing some things now that old people do. He's a bit embarrassed to admit it but he draws our attention to what he did earlier in the show. He darn forgot to turn off the blinker on his desk. The camera widens to show a blinker, or as my father calls it, "the indicator," that Dave has left on. It blinks on and off. Sound effects - boing! Music from Paul. An irate Alan barks, "That's it? That's the joke? What are you, stealing Freddie Roman's act now?"
Dave tries to explain, "Alan, it was just a harmless little . . ."
Alan: "Maybe you're ready to settle for toothless Early Bird Special Comedy, Grandpa, but Big Red's still wants to push the envelope. So . . . . PUSH IT!"
Alan gets up and walks across the stage singing Salt N Pepa's "Push It."
Alan: "Can't you hear the music's pumpin' hard like I wish you would? Now, push it! Push it real good. Ah, push it. Yeah, push it real good! Now, push it. Push it real good. Ah push it." The scrim lowers.
Dave sighs and says, "Nice boyfriend." I'm not sure where the "Nice boyfriend" line came from.

ACT 7
SIMON PEGG: Wrote and stars in the film, "Hot Fuzz." Let's see, the pitch went like this: "I just wrote a movie and I have the perfect guy to play the lead!"
Simon is from Gloucester, near the Wales border, and currently lives in North London. He tells an embarrassing story of going back home at Christmas. He and his wife were at a holiday party with his parents, her parents, and friends. Simon finds a tape, not sure what it was, and slips it into the tape player. Why? My guess is he was tired and he wanted everyone to leave. The tape turned out to be of a vacation him and his wife went on. After watching for a few minutes, he dawned on him what was coming up on the tape. On the tape he "accidentally" exposes himself. It was "This is the room. This is the view. This is my penis." Simon didn't have time to stop the tape so he tried to get their attention off the video and onto him. "Hey everybody, look at this!" And then he would do something crazy, but it wasn't working. He tried to make a grab for the tape but it was too late. Everything seemed to go in slow motion as he dove for the player, crying out "Nooooooooooooo!"
Reaction?
MOM: "Well, that's changed."
MOTHER-IN-LAW: "Wait! Play it again. I didn't see it. I didn't have my glasses on!" The first film Simon wrote and starred in was "Shaun of the Dead," a zombie film and comedy. He collaborated with Nick Frost, who also co-stars in "Hot Fuzz." They met in Los Angeles while Nick was a waiter; the only waiter in L.A. who didn't want to be an actor. They ended up rooming together. It was Nick's place, so Simon slept on the floor. That was too uncomfortable, so Nick told him to get in bed and they slept with their heads at opposite ends of the bed. After a few weeks, that changed. And then a few weeks after that, they were spooning.
"Hot Fuzz" - it opens Friday. And it looks to be very funny.

And that was show for Monday, April 16, 2007.



I was listening to sports guys Mike and the MadDog Tuesday morning to their coverage of the tragic events at Virginia Tech. They are replacing, temporarily, Don Imus's morning show. They are accustomed to covering how and why the Yankees lost, what's wrong with the Knicks, and will Peyton Manning finally win the big game. They speculate, predict, pontificate, and pretend to be all-knowing. It's what you would expect from two guys sitting at a bar, and it's what makes their sports show so successful. They are very opinionated and you find yourself agreeing with them one second and then screaming at them the next. But now they are covering news; and today they were covering the biggest story in America in perhaps the last 5 years. They were both very serious and aware of the gravity of what had happened, but I felt they were ‘reporting' the story somewhat like a sporting event. They were throwing out opinions, speculating, Sunday-Morning-Quarterbacking, second-guessing and asking a lot of questions. This works when talking sports but it was a little unnerving when reporting on Virginia Tech. Quite a few times I said, "Whoa!" It took a while to get used to. But they were asking a lot of questions I was wondering about. It's just that they were covering it in a way I wasn't used to.

What an awful, awful story.
One question I had was why did it take 24 hours to identify the gunman?

EXTRA DAY TO FILE TAXES!! Last week I wrote that the deadline to file your taxes was today, Monday April 16th since the 15th was a Monday. I heard it on the news and I knew it to be true so I included it on an informational blue card before the top ten read by the accountants last week. But then over the weekend I learned that the deadline is not Monday at midnight but on Tuesday because Monday is a holiday of some sort. Hmmm. I was unaware of Monday being a holiday. I knew of Patriots Day in Massachusetts and some surrounding states but I didn't think that would affect the rest of the country. And then I discovered that Monday April 16th is Emancipation Day, a legal holiday in Washington. "New York State extended its deadline to match the feds," as printed in the New York Daily News.
So you know what that means! Tuesday night's late news will feature the report from the post office covering the last-second filers . . . . And my going to a trusted source for information for the Late Show bit me in the ass once again. The "30 Rock" website last week was the other.

So, where were you when you heard about Don Ho?

I'm not sure if I heard this correctly. I was at my computer in the office with "The View" on in the background. The topic: Imus, of course. 12 minutes into the program I heard, or at least I think I heard, Rosie say, "Nobody seems to be in agreeance . . . "
What's the big deal with "agreeance"? It's not a word, and the Late Show first pointed this out on February 24, 2003 in a piece called, "Made-Up Word of the Night." It was Fred Durst at the Grammy Awards uttering the word "agreeance."
But I could be wrong about Rosie. Right now, I only THINK I heard her say it.

I watched "The Wonder Years" on the ION Television channel last night. In this episode, Kevin was unsure on how to act upon his crush with Winnie.

TINY BUBBLES
Tiny Bubbles
In the wine
Make me happy
Make me feel fine.

Tiny bubbles
Make me warm all over
With a feeling that I'm gonna
Love you till the end of time.

So here's to the golden moon
And here's to the silver sea
And mostly here's a toast
To you and me

So here's to the ginger lei
I give to you today
And here's a kiss
That will not fade away.

It's time for "Another One of My Ideas That Did Not Get On The Show".
Two monologue jokes pitched . . . both were a swing and a miss:
-Over 7 inches of rain fell on Central Park yesterday. Don Imus is already apologizing for it.
-Hawaiian entertainer Don Ho passed away this weekend, and for the second time in a week we saw in the headlines the words "Don" and "Ho."
This concludes another installment of "Another One of My Ideas That Did Not Get On The Show"

And now more useless information from "The Book of Useless Information."
-According to Genesis 1:20-22, the chicken came before the egg.
-The most difficult tongue-twister is "The sixth sick Sheik's sixth sheep's sick"
-"Happy as a clam" is from the expression "happy as a clam at high tide." Clams are only harvested when the tide is out.
-In the 40s, the Bich Pen was changed to Bic for fear that Americans would pronounce it "bitch."
-Clans long ago who wanted to get rid of unwanted people without killing them used to burn down their houses --- hence the expression, "get fired."

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Edmonton, Alberta, Canada, it's Roger Eamer. And to answer your question, Roger, it's Johnny Dark.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER