". . . . and now, North America's only marsupial . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Dave was at a deli this weekend. A woman in front of him appeared . . . . concerned; somewhat worried; a bit shy. When it was time for the woman to place her order, she said in a timid and hesitant voice, "Do you have prosciutto?" After a pause, she asked again, "Do you have prosciutto sandwiches?" I think I'll order me one of those this week.

A report in Canada says there were 736 UFO sightings in that country last year. Dave saw an odd announcement about it.
Announcer:

"According to a national survey, in 2006 there were 736 sightings of unidentified flying objects in the Canadian skies. We can tell you without question, none of them was us." (see photo of JetBlue plane) "JetBlue: Still on the tarmac."

"We here at Rutgers University are issuing a call for Don Imus to be removed from the airwaves as a result of his offensive remarks regarding our women's basketball team. We also are issuing a call for Dave Letterman to be removed from the airwaves, just because we're tired of this."
(see video clip of Dave making odd noises at the desk)
"A message from Rutgers University."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush: "Uhhh, ummm, I uhhhh, uhhhh, I uhhhh, ummmm."

ACT 2
LATE SHOW MYSTERY PRIZE GIVEAWAY: It's time to do something nice for a New York City pedestrian. What is tonight's Late Show Mystery Prize? Alan: "Hi, I'm Alan Kalter, TV's Inspector Cooley. Dave, it's an Apple 80 Gig Video iPod. It holds 20,000 songs and 6 hours of movies! Retail price: $349!"
We go outside and find Biff at the corner of Broadway and 53rd. How's the weather? "Between 48 and 52. It's nice, sunny." Spring is a great time in New York. Biff says he loves the Spring, and the summer, too. And he likes winter and fall. Dave says of Biff, "You're a man of all seasons." Biff proudly says, "That's me, baby."
Biff stops a passerby to try to get him to play. We find a Scott Bernard of Sioux City, Iowa. He's in town visiting his brother. Dave invites him in to play the "Late Show Mystery Prize Giveaway."
How To Play: There are 3 boxes on a table. Two are empty. One contains the Late Show Mystery Prize.
Scott makes his pick of Box #3. And the contents? . . . . . . It's empty. Too bad. Box #2 is also empty. We take a look at the winning box, Box #1. It's a lovely iPod. Too bad, Scott, but thanks for playing. Scott starts to slink away, but then makes a grab for the iPod and takes it and flees out the back of the theater. He is soon chased by security. Scott runs out into the lobby, security in hot pursuit. As Scott turns the corner, our security staff opens fire and shoots him in the back. He falls, dropping the iPod. Maybe this kind of behavior is allowed in Sioux City, Iowa, but not here. We got our iPod back.
Still, you hate to see something like that.

TOP TEN: Questions To Ask Yourself Before Buying the Pope's Used Car - a 1999 Volkswagen Golf once owned by Pope Benedict XVI is up for sale on ebay. It has 46,000 miles on it and comes equipped with an alarm. The current high bid is over $200,000. The above information is what I wrote up on Dave's blue card. I added the line, "and comes equipped with an alarm" because I found it interesting that a future pope would have an alarm installed. Doesn't he have faith in his fellow man?
Questions to Ask Yourself Before Buying the Pope's Used Car:
10. "Will I be able to see through the stained glass windshield?"
5. "Will it upset my Jewish friends?"
3. "When's the last time he washed this thing, the Reformation?" Come on, people, read a book!

ACT 3
DAVID DUCHOVNY: Worriedly asks, "How many guest shootings per show?" Dave comforts Duchovny, "We only average about 1 a day.
David and his wife, Tea Leoni have 2 children, an 8-year-old daughter West and a 4-year old son Miller. His son wants to be Chinese. When David explained that his nationality being Scottish, Italian, Hungarian, Polish, part Texan, and Russian, his son Miller angrily chimed, "Russian! I HATE that guy!" He was inconsolable. Duchovny still doesn't know who or what his son was talking about.
And he's learned that his daughter wants to marry a lion or a monkey. His son wants to marry his mom. Dave asks, "Does she like Chinese guys?"
Duchovny's new film, "The TV Set," is now playing in selected cities. Duchovny plays a writer who just sold his pilot script dealing with his struggling to cope with his brother's suicide. And that's pretty much the last he'll ever recognize the script. Working in TV is one compromise after another, and then at the end of the day you don't even know what you made. Nothing is familiar. We see a clip from the film of Duchovny pitching his idea to the network execs.
For those keeping score at home, mark this down as one I want to see.

ACT 4 Dave explains in light of what happened earlier, the show has decided to let the kid keep the iPod. BIFF AT YANKEE SPRING TRAINING: This is Biff's 10th visit to Legends Field in Tampa, Florida. We take a look at his recent visit.
-Who dates hotter chicks, Derek Jeter or Rosie O'Donnell?
-Shaffer's brother
-sweetener for his coffee
-Who does Biff remind you of? We see Biff stumbling over a sentence. Cut to our President doing the same stumbling.
-"Tell Johnny Damon we was great I 'The Departed.'" --- "That was 'Matt Damon.'" Biff: "Mother 'Givl'er."
-WFAN's Christopher Russo berates David Letterman like he does his San Francisco Giants after a bad game.
-Biff and Alex Rodriguez --- after hitting some grounders to Biff, Alex asks Biff for a favor. Biff still doesn't quite understand the request. We see a shirtless Biff applying suntan lotion on the bare-chested Alex Rodriguez.

ACT 5
Announce: "Are you ready to laugh, America? Well then, log on to the Late Show website and check out the Tony Mendez Show! On this week's show, Tony and Stephanie surprise Dave on his birthday, and Tony's acting tips. The Tony Mendez Show; just go to www.cbs.com/lateshow. You'll be glad you did! It's almost as good as the Wahoo Gazette! We'll be right back."

OK, OK, I added that last part about the Wahoo Gazette.

ACT 6 During the commercial break, the audience enjoyed some loud rocking music from the CBS Orchestra as they performed the Rolling Stones' "Gimme Shelter." Lots of horns; lots of sound.

RYAN HOWARD: 1st baseman for the Philadelphia Phillies and 2006 National League Most Valuable Player. Last year's stats: 58 homers; 147 RBI; .313 Average.
58 home runs! Does Ryan guess what pitch is coming or has he played long enough that he knows what the pitcher will be throwing. Ryan says he guesses 90% of the time. His favorite pitch to hit? A fastball right down the middle. Oooh, I hope he didn't give away a secret. Pitchers may try to avoid throwing that pitch.
Ryan grew up in a suburb of St. Louis. His dad knew Ryan would be a baseball player when he saw him imitating the batters he saw on TV. His dad put up a batting cage in the basement which Ryan would use hours on end. His mom and dad are both still very involved in his career and mom acts as his accountant, doling out an allowance for him to live on each week. But Ryan isn't some young kid. Even though he won the National League's Rookie of the Year in 2005, he is already 27. He got a late start in the Major Leagues because the Phillies had a productive 1st baseman in front of him, Jim Thome. Once Thome was let go, Ryan advanced and flourished. Ryan proudly says of his position, "The first baseman is the most athletic person on the field."
What's next for Ryan Howard? Hopefully the World Series. A teammate said the Phillies were the team to beat in the National League, which brought some heat on to the team. The slow 1-6 start hasn't helped.
Ryan Howard - looks and sounds like a good guy. And I like the players on the Phillie team. Now that they play on natural grass, I find it a lot easier to root for them.

CLOSE: ANDREW BIRD: Making his network television debut, Andrew Bird performed "Plasticities" from his CD, "Armchair Aprocrypha."

And that was our show for Tuesday, April 10, 2007.



Sitting in for Anton tonight was Shawn Pelton.

And to think, a week ago I thought I needed to explain who Imus is. I mentioned him in the March 29th Wahoo and then a week later, all heck breaks loose.

With Sanjaya amazingly able to keep getting the votes to stay on "Idol", I expect Jimmy Carter to be called in any day now to oversee the weekly count.

I just found another way to eliminate certain numbers while playing Soduko. This should finally jolt me up to the next level of difficulty. I was stuck for a while without getting any better. I would tell my secret, but much of the fun is discovering it on your own. I'm doing you a favor by not sharing.

The right of Free Speech doesn't mean the right to profit from your speech.

Hey, all you Hallmark-ish stores, I'm keeping my eye on you. You remember I mentioned Webkinz a few months ago . . . . it's all the craze with the kids 8-13. They are stuffed animals that come with a computer code which you type in when you go to the Webkinz website. You then get to play games on the computer with other Webkinz owners. These Webkinz are not sold in the big stores like Wal-Mart and Toys R Us but are sold in card stores and small gift shops. The big Webkinz go for $12 or so and the little ones go for $9. But now that every kid in the world wants them and the demand for these things are so great, these gift stores are jacking up the price something ridiculous. They are taking advantage, and don't think I don't notice! I have a long memory.
Try doubling the price of the Webkinz and I'll be buying my birthday cards and anniversary cards someplace else; long after the Webkinz are no longer a hot item. Don't mess with me.
And then these stores are also selling their entire shipment to the first person that comes in and then that person sells them on ebay for a big profit. The gift store makes a quick sale of their entire stock but only satisfies one customer and disappoints 50. I'm watching for that, too.

I was flipping the channels the other day and stopped on The Andy Griffith Show. Howard Sprague was unveiling his new bachelor pad. Goober and Andy were invited to his first bachelors-only party. Emmit was disappointed. Andy brought Helen; Goober's and Howard's dates fell through. Helen had to dance with Howard, Andy, and Goober all night. Andy was an OK dancer. Howard and Goob were pretty bad. Helen ended up exhausted. Just as the party was about to end at 9:00, Emmit stopped in as he just so happened to be driving by. For the last 40 seconds of the episode, Emmit danced with Helen and did some great stepping. In this half-hour episode, I laughed out loud at least 7 times. That's more than I would get in a month's worth in today's sitcoms. My Favorite Andy Griffith Characters:
1. Howard Sprague
2. Floyd
3. Barney
And if you ask me tomorrow and again next week, I would name the same three characters but probably not in that order.

And now more useless information from "The Book of Useless Information."
- Ulysses S. Grant had the boyhood nickname "Useless"
- James Garfield could write Latin with one hand and Greek with the other --- simultaneously
- George Washington grew marijuana in his garden
- Theodore Roosevelt was the first to announce to the world that Maxwell House coffee is "Good to the last drop."
- the only three presidents who had to deal with real or impending impeachment ---Andrew Johnson, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton --- all have names which are euphemisms for penis; Johnson, Dick, and Willie.

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Borger, Texas, it's Kenneth Roberts, who says, "One smart fellow he felt smart. Two smart fellows they felt smart. Three smart fellows they all three felt smart."
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER