ACT 1
The Academy Awards are this Sunday and we all know the films that are nominated for Best Picture. But we thought it would be fun to take a look at a film that was NOT nominated. It's something we call, "Not Nominated For An Academy Award."
We see a clip from "Little Man." Yup, that's "art" too, folks.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR's "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" speech. We see JFK's "Ask not what your country can do for you" speech. We see Bush's "Our position on prostitution . . . I'll have to ask the Secretary on that. (looks for next question) Yeah?"

Britney Spears has been in the news for her erratic behavior, and there seems to be a new controversy every day. Once again, she's fresh out of rehab and guess what . . . she's here tonight to answer your questions. Ladies and gentlemen, Britney Spears.

No, it's not Britney . . . it's our friend Mr. Gerard Mulligan as Britney Spears. Dave likens him to Bill Belicheck having just lost a bet.

ASK BRITNEY SPEARS
Darren Kyman of Los Angeles, California:
"Have you spoken to Kevin Federline recently?"
Britney: "Hell, who do you think parked my car at the tattoo parlor?"
--- "What up, K-Fed!" - pretends to shoot gun with his fingers; SFX.

Dan Foster of Columbus, Ohio:
"You've had some time to reflect on your recent behavior. Are you feeling any better?"
Britney: "Unfortunately, I'm still one mojito away from putting on a pair of astronaut diapers."
--- yells, "And down the stretch they come!"

Melissa Byrd, Richmond, Virginia:
"Why did you check out of rehab after one day?"
Britney: "Nicole Richie's snoring was driving me crazy."
-- Britney turns to another camera and begins to sing daddy Lionel's "Hello, is it me you're looking for?"

Ron Benson, Tacoma, Washington:
"Does the constant media attention irritate you?"
Britney: "No, but I'll tell you what causes me some serious irritation . . . walking around without underpants."
--- takes some baby powder and puffs it downs his pants --- "Oh, that's the stuff."

Dan Eisen, St. Paul, Minnesota:
"Aren't you embarrassed to be seen in that silly wig you've been wearing?"
Britney: says nothing; stares straight ahead.
Dave: "Uhh, Britney?"
Britney: "Sorry, I thought that was for you." --- "Break it down, Shaffer!" Paul plays; Mulligan starts doing the "robot" dance.

Sarah Michael of Portland, Oregon:
"Can we see your new tattoo?"
Britney: "Sure. Nothing much to see." Lifts sleeve, reveals tattoo - "I love Regis". Yells, "Goooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaallllllllll!"

Russ Colby, Youngstown, Ohio:
"Are you doing anything to combat the effects of global warming?"
Britney: "Absolutely. I'm switching from regular margaritas to frozen margaritas." --- band plays "Tequila" - Mulligan dances like Pee-Wee Herman.

Steven Levy, Nutley, New Jersey:
"What's next for your career?"
Britney: "An album that goes nowhere, an appearance on 'Dancing with the Stars', and then being the special guest star at the grand openings of Toyota dealerships." --- pointing to the balcony --- "All the people upstairs say, 'Ho!'" The balcony says "HO!"

Maggie Moon, Camden, New Jersey:
"What are you doing after this?"
Britney: "My kid is driving me over to Lindsay Lohan's house."
--- motions pulling an truck horn; truck horn SFX

Ted Owens, Tupelo, Mississippi:
"Where do you keep your Grammy Award?"
Britney: "I keep it in elegant display case. High up on a shelf. In a pawnshop. Right next to my favorite liquor store."
--- re-enacts Fred Sanford's "This is the big one, Elizabeth"

Megan Jackson of Park Slope, New York:
"What would you and Paris talk about when you hung out?"
Britney: "Usually, the alternative minimum tax and granting debt-forgiveness to third world countries. . . . (laughs). . . I'm kidding! We talk about lip gloss and 'djoy.' We're idiots!"
Band plays off Britney: "That's my time. Remember, at Burger King, the BK Stacker is back! It's 4 layers of beef and cheese, topped with bacon sauce for one low price!"

ACT 2
JOHN TRAVOLTA: Ahhh, nice entrance. Mr. Travolta dances his way across the stage.
John is an avid pilot and is proud to say he is the first non-test-pilot to fly the new Airbus A-380. It holds 555 passengers and is bigger than a 747. The plane is so big and so automated that they almost fly themselves. Dave holds up a photo of the Airbus A380. Could he do a loop-do-loop in an Airbus A380? He says you probably could do a loop-de-loop and you could definitely roll it, though John has done neither. John tells a story of a test pilot, Tex Johnson, who did an unannounced roll when demonstrating the 707 back in 1955. The Boeing people were not pleased and he was soon fired. When so many companies wanted to buy the plane after seeing the roll, Tex was rehired. And we have a clip of that famous 707 roll from 1955 . . . . . oops . . . no we don't. What? No clip. Hmmmm, Dave thought we would have a clip. Dave then takes the photo of the Airbus A-380 and rotates the photo, demonstrating what the video would have looked like. Nice save, Dave.

John and the family just returned from a ski vacation. His 6-year-old daughter went skiing for the first time and she did very well. She did much better than John's first time skiing. He had gone with a stuntman from "Grease" and was taken to the top of the Triple-Black-Diamond slope. I don't know much about skiing but anything called "Triple-Black-Diamond" doesn't sound safe. And it wasn't. It was a hill for experts. John says he cried the entire way down the hill.

Is John excited for the Academy Awards? John says he will be a presenter again this year. He tells a story of his first Academy Awards. He was seated between Paul Newman and Elizabeth Taylor. Hoowee! He leaned over to Ms. Taylor and says, "Do you know that white dress you wore in 'A Cat in a Hot Tin Roof'? Well, in my fantasy, you weren't wearing it." It was pretty heady stuff for a 21-year-old. And right around that time, John appeared on the Captain and Tenille Show. John's outfit . . . . well . . . . thank goodness, times have changed. The tannish stretchy pantsuit/pirate suit is hopefully hanging in the attic someplace not to be worn again. Unfortunately for John, THIS we have a clip for.
John asks Dave how Harry is doing. Dave proudly says he was not prepared for the unending fun a child provides. It's just non-stop fun. Harry's favorite foods: ham, turkey, spaghetti, lasagna.
John's new film, "Wild Hogs," opens next Friday. We see a clip. John enjoyed making the film, and is excited that he is getting a free Harley.

And now, my Harley-Davidson story. Someone gave me a black Harley-Davidson t-shirt. I wore it one hot Saturday afternoon. After a few hours of yard work, I drove to the story to pick up the newspaper. Before getting the paper, I decided to stop in at a local watering hole. It was a small dark and dusty bar, the kind where everyone looks to see who just entered. I plopped myself down at the end of the bar. The bar had a crowd of ten or so, all bikers. They eyed me and my t-shirt. One asked if I liked Harley's. I said I did. I pretended I was a rider, answering the few questions they asked as vaguely as I could. I had my two beers, and then the biker-type barkeep bought me one back. I thanked him. I was glad I hadn't shaved in a few days as it made me look rugged, just like a biker. I finish my third and it's time for me to leave. The bikers and I exchange nods as I up to go. Feeling a kinship, I wish them, "Good ridin'" as I walk out the door. I liked how that sounded; "Good ridin'." They must have thought I was quite the biker. Once outside, I went to the deli next door to pick up my newspaper. On this hot day, I decided to get me an ice cream cone, too. I quickly unwrapped my ice cream and started to lick. I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings because across the street I didn't notice the bikers were also leaving the bar and were getting on their bikes. They saw me licking my ice cream cone as I fumbled for my keys to get into my minivan. One biker yelled out sarcastically, "Nice wheels." Another barked, "Yo, Good ridin'!" They all laughed at me as I was in mid-lick. I felt ridiculous. They made a lot of motorcycle-noise as they rode off. I sheepishly turned on my minivan. On the radio was Seals and Crofts, "Summer Breeze."

ACT 3
ERIC NERHUS: From New South Wales, Australia, this guy survived a shark-attack after being swallowed head first. Yikes. The 41-year-old diver hunts for abalone, a rare shellfish. He usually goes out alone on his boat to gather the abalone, but on this day it was a school holiday so he brought along his teen-aged son.
Eric was about 25 feet under water when everything suddenly went dark. He quickly became disoriented and was shaken from side to side. And he lost his air supply. As Eric put it, "And then I realized I was being eaten alive." He was head first inside a great white shark! What to do? Well, if you survived the fright, you let your gut reaction take over. Eric tried to remain calm even though he was in need of oxygen. He sized up the situation and from conversations with other fishermen, he realized what he had to do. The secret is to understand the predator. The vulnerable part of a shark is its eyes and gills. Swallowed head first down to his chest, Eric reached outside the shark feeling for the vicious carnivore's eye. He felt, but could not find. He then realized the eye of a great white is higher up than most. He reached up higher and found the eyeball. Eric squeezed the eye with everything he had. He gouged it, poked it, squeezed it, trying to inflict as must pain as possible. He figured he had about 20 seconds left to live. The shark loosened its bite, but did not release Eric. As Eric tried to wiggle out, the shark then bit down hard again. The bite broke Eric's nose. He again gouged at the shark's eye. The shark loosened its bite again and Eric was able to wiggle out. Eric was able to find his air supply and gulped the oxygen. Meanwhile, the shark circled Eric suspiciously. Eric thinks the shark was a bit confused at this point. Sharks are used to eating on dolphin and seal which have a softer texture than what Eric was wearing. Plus, I don't think dolphins or seals have an opposable thumb to squeeze a shark's eyeball. Eric made it to the surface where his son pulled him to safety. Yeesh. Quite a day at work.
I had a similar thing happen to me on Tuesday. It was harrowing. I was in the basement of the theater. I had to get to the 3rd floor but the elevator was being reserved for Barbara Walters who had just arrived. I had to walk up three flights of stairs to get where I needed to be. And afterwards, just like Eric, I was in desperate need of some oxygen. Phew. But does any talk show want to hear my story? No.

ACT 4
TOP TEN: Questions To Ask Yourself Before Eating Peanut Butter - National Health Officials have linked a salmonella outbreak to tainted Peter Pan Peanut Butter, sickening 300 people in 39 states.
#10. "If I die, will I stick to the roof of the coffin?"
#2. "What will my kids say when they learn their father was killed by Peter Pan?"

ACT 5: "This is a Late Show Announcement. Due to the Presidents Day holiday earlier this week, Hump Day has been postponed to Thursday. Please revise you calendars and appointments as necessary. Sorry for the confusion.
This has been a Late Show Announcement. Keep it real."

ACT 6
SPRING AWAKENING: It's the best new musical on Broadway, it's a performance from the cast of "Spring Awakening", now playing at the Eugene O'Neil Theater

And that was our show for Wednesday, February 21, 2007.



Come on, America. For the past month the front page lead story in the news has been a diaper-wearing astronaut, Anna Nicole, and now Britney. Why? Because it sells. I'm sure newspapers record what front-page sells best. And it must be the above stuff. What a waste of time.
And what's on the backpage of the tabloids here in New York? Alex Rodriquez and Derek Jeter aren't best buds anymore. No more BFF. Boo hoo.
My take: Alex Rodriguez needs to be coddled. He needs his head patted. Derek won't do it. A-Rod needs to learn to take care of himself. Derek knows that when Alex is up at bat and there's bases loaded in the 9th inning of Game 7 of the World Series, Derek won't be up there to hold A-Rod's hand. He's giving poor Alex some tough love.

I guess people can say the hours Americans spend following sports is a colossal waste of time, too. Britney and Anna Nicole are some people's sport of choice; baseball is mine.
And if you are sickened by the money-grab going on over the dead body of Anna Nicole, don't forget how she got her money.

Remember the other day I mentioned watching "Grey's Anatomy" and I thought I saw CPR being administered incorrectly. The cute guy doctor was giving CPR to another doctor; 5 chest compressions followed by a mouth-to-mouth breath. I always thought that when doing CPR by yourself, it is 15 chest compressions followed by a mouth-to-mouth breath; not 5 and 1. I asked the Wahoo readers if I was correct and Grey's was wrong. The response has been overwhelming, but instead of thanking each individually, I will mention the "Morning Show with Mike and Juliet" who had on a CPR demonstration on their show Tuesday morning. I was right; Grey's Anatomy was wrong. Well, at least my ratio was right . . . when doing CPR by yourself, it is 30 chest compressions followed by 2 mouth-to-mouth breaths. And then I saw how to do CPR in yesterday's USA Today. How do you like that? So if any of you stop breathing and your heart stops pumping, hopefully it'll happen in front of me. I know how to do CPR.
Watch Grey's Thursday night. They'll probably replay the ambulance scene at the beginning of the show or during the promos. You'll see the erroneous 5-and-1.

Presidential Campaign Slogans - Presidents Week
1976: Gerald Ford: "He's making us proud again" - Refers to Ford's performance in office after the behavior and resignation of Richard Nixon
1976: Jimmy Carter: "Not Just Peanuts" - Refers to the fact that Jimmy Carter, who was a peanut farmer, had other experience and qualifications for the office
1984: Ronald Reagan: "It's morning again in America" - Refers to the improved economic situation in the United States after the recession of the early 1980's.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU'RE ATTACKED BY A SHARK - National Geographic:
- If attack is imminent, defend yourself with whatever weapons you can, advises the ReefQuest Centre for Shark Research. "Avoid using your [bare] hands or feet if you can avoid it; if not, concentrate your blows against the shark's delicate eyes or gills." A shark's snout is also said to be sensitive.
- If a shark actually gets you in its mouth, says ISAF's George Burgess, "I advise to be as aggressively defensive as you are able. 'Playing dead' does not work. Pound the shark in any way possible. Try to claw at the eyes and gill openings, two very sensitive areas."
- If bitten, try to stop the bleeding. Leave the water as efficiently, calmly, and swiftly as possible. While many sharks will not bite again, you cannot rule out a second attack.

The best part of winter in New York is the slush build-up on the street corners. The dirty water slush matches the color of the black-topped street. This prevents pedestrians from determining just how deep the slush is when stepping off the curb.

And now it's time for, "Another One of My Ideas That Will Never Get On The Show".
Set up a camera at a street corner with ankle deep-slush. Get footage of pedestrians stepping into the slush and watch their reaction. Show the "Best Of" on the show. This concludes another installment of "Another One of My Ideas That Will Never Get On The Show".

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Limerick, Ireland, it's Gary Clifford. Thanks for the youtube clip of Liverpool 9; Crystal Palace 0.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER