". . . and now, the northeast's largest dental cooperative . . . . David Letterman!

ACT 1: "Yeah, if you're an aardvark!"

Dave hopes Regis comes back soon. Did you see the show this morning? That was some guest co-host. We take a look at this morning's opening:

"It's 'Live with Regis and Kelly!' From the new motion picture, 'Pride,' Bernie Mac. Plus, Hollywood legend Kirk Douglas. And this morning, Kelly welcomes special guest co-host, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. And now, here's Kelly and Khalid!"

And how old it Tony? 62 years old. I hope I look that good when I turn 42.

To relive this great moment in television history, click on Big Show Highlights. You'll find it there. Put it on your YouTube and MySpace and . . . and . . . put it on your blog . . . and your cell . . . and your iPod . . . and your Betamax. Oh, I know . . . Download it! And tape it! Capture it on your TIVO. Or wait for it to be rebroadcast in a repeat . . . we can only hope.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush: ". . . and . . . uhhh . . . and so I . . . . uhh . . . uhh . . . the notion . . . . that . . . uhhh . . . somehow we're not making progress . . . . . uhhh . . . . ."

ACT 2:
It's a beautiful spring day in New York City and we have a little tradition we like to do here with our building engineer George Clarke. George?
Art Card: "Spring Traditions with George Clarke"
George: "That's right, Dave. With the recent arrival of spring, I thought it would be nice once again to look for the first spring robin."
Awkward pause.
DAVE: "Uhh, George, where is the robin?"
GEORGE: "I ate it, with honey mustard dipping sauce, three bean salad, and creamy polenta with bacon. See?" (George holds up a plate of small bones and salad remains).
"Here's the recipe." (The recipe for the above flies by too quick to read)
"In case you missed it, go to our website. We'll see you next time, losers."
Dave is not happy with what he just saw, sighing, "He should be written up. He just ate a robin!"

TOP TEN: SIGNS IT'S SPRING IN NEW YORK CITY
#10. We throw a guy out of the audience.*
#3. Donald Trump's hair has begun to bloom.

*Huh? #10? "We throw out a guy out of the audience." Dave made this up on the fly. It got a big response, but what was that all about? During the monologue, some ne'er-do-well shouted out and continued to shout something out when he shouldn't have been shouting out. He was immediately escorted out. He may have tripped along the way. In fact, he may have tripped a few times.

ACT 3:
PATRICIA ARQUETTE: She's in the hit NBC program, "Medium." I missed some of this but I did catch Dave asking if there is a difference between a psychic and an intuitive. I laughed. Patricia said there was not much of a difference, but our Late Show intuitive Deborah Lynn would have said an intuitive simply lets the vibes enter passively while a psychic goes out looking for vibes. . . . or something like that.
Patricia is a newlywed, getting married last summer in Europe, and the whole family traveled for two weeks through Italy.
Patricia is a mom to a 4-year-old daughter and an 18-year-old son. She recently asked her 4-year-old to do something and she replied, "I'm not your indentured servant!" And he son threw a block party while she was at work. He and his band were out in the street performing for about 100 people. Sounds like a fun house. Oh, and Patricia's daughter is right . . . she isn't an indentured servant . . . . it's the parents who are indentured servants. We work to make our kids' lives easier.
In "Medium," Patricia plays an actual psychic who has a talent of being able to foresee when someone is going to die. Patricia decided to find out. If she learned she only had two years left to live, she'd quit her job. But she found out she has a long time left.

I always wondered . . . if you could, would you take a 5-minute glimpse of your life 10 years from now?

Patricia's brother is the nutty David Arquette, though Patricia says he isn't nutty. She is very proud of his directing ability, who has directed a film which opens next month and who has also directed an episode of "Medium." On the set, David had help, though. He had his trusty Mt.T talking doll to assist. But no, David is not nutty. Did they get along as kids? They did, but they also had their bouts. She had one secret weapon she used on David which didn't remain a secret for long. It was her "Handball Punch." She would clasp her hands over her head and slam down hard onto David's back. I'm not sure if she screamed out "HANDBALL PUNCH" when applying, but she should have. When he was directing her in "Medium" and if he pushed her too hard, all she would have to say is "handball punch" and he would back off immediately.
"Medium" - Wednesdays at 10:00 on NBC.

ACT 4: And now it's time for another installment of TRUE TALES OF LATE SHOW INTERNS
We see an intern alone, eyes slightly raised skyward, reminiscing about a task he just completed. We hear his thinking.
Intern: "I was feeling proud of myself that afternoon. I was given an important, high-level task and I really came through. I really hit it out of the park. Confident in my sterling performance, I anxiously awaited to hear what my supervisor had to say." Cut to action:
Staffer examining her Starbucks coffee: "This is a cappuccino. I said mochaccino!" She then throws the scalding coffee into the eyes of the intern. He screams out in pain.

ACT 5: Alan announce, "It's time for this week's 'My Pet Look Like Dave' contest winner.
Congratulations to Mark Noonan of Las Vegas, Nevada who sent in this week's winning photo of his cockatoo, Chester. (split screen of Dave and a cockatoo) For being this week's winner, Mark wins this brand new Late Show mug. If you think you pet looks like Dave, send a photo to:
My Pet Looks Like Dave
1697 Broadway
New York, New York 10019.
Good luck, losers."

ACT 6:
PAUL MOONEY: He has a new DVD now out in stores, "Know Your History: Jesus was black . . . so was Cleopatra." Paul's been around for quite awhile, having worked with Richard Pryor, Redd Foxx, Freddie Prinze, Robin Williams, and Eddie Murphy, and he's opened for James Brown. He's very opinionated, outspoken, and very funny. Go to one of his shows and more than once you'll say, "Did he really just say that?"
Hillary Clinton? Paul likes Hillary. He's a Hillary fan. He believes she will run, she will win, and she'll be the President for the third time. He knows this. It was spoken by Negrodomus.
Barack Obama? He's too skinny to be President. And all the skinny Presidents end up assassinated. What Hillary should do is choose Barack as her running mate. She will have no worries about assassinations if he's her running mate.
Michael Richards: hey, he messed up. He used the N-word inappropriately and has apologized. Paul has known Michael for a long long time and knows he's not like that. He apologized and it's time to move on. Paul is more than a bit surprised that so few were ready to forgive him. Paul was never one to shy away from the N-word, admitting he'd be a billionaire if he got a nickel every time he said it, but he now sees it in a different light and has decided to rid it from his life. That's out, and so is "bitch." He says giving it up is not easy and feels like a junkie trying to go cold turkey.
Gas prices: Gas is so expensive there hasn't been a drive-by shooting in L.A. in months.
Paul has lived in Los Angeles for 30 years. He lives in a white neighborhood but feels he has to move . . . all his white neighbors won't go to sleep until he gets home. He's always yelling at his neighbors, "I'm better than all of you! I'm better than all of you . . . because I don't have any black people livin' next door to me!"
Quick joke to finish:
"One of my white neighbors told me a story about how she baked a chocolate cake for her little white son. He ate a few bites and then he smeared chocolate frosting all over his face and said, 'Look, mommy, I'm black!' The mom spanked him and said, 'Don't you be saying that! Go show your father." He shows his dad, 'Look, daddy, I'm black!' The dad got angry, spanked his son, and said to go show grandpa. 'Hey grandpa, look at me, I'm black!' Grandpa spanked his grandson and said never to say that again and to go back to his mom. He went back to his mom and his mom asked, 'So what did you learn?' The kid said, 'I've been black for 5 minutes and I've learned I already hate all of you white people.'"

CLOSE
MACY GRAY: From her CD, "Big," Macy Gray performed "Finally Made Me Happy." Hey, I liked that. Lots of sound. Big music. Nice job, Macy Gray.

And that was our show for Tuesday, March 27, 2007.



About my performance in Tony Mendez's "How It's Made." I was directed to play a middle-management foreman of a cue card manufacturing company. I was not equipped to be a smooth operator in front of a TV camera. I was to be a bit stiff, to the point, and uncomfortable. Ha. I could do that with my eyes closed. Heck, I live that. I went to wardrobe. I got my short-sleeve shirt and tie. I tied my own tie and decided to leave it just a little shorter than it should be. It's the way I pictured my character. The eyeglasses given me were prescription; a very high prescription. I would have worn them but it was suggested I wear them on my head. I was also given a pencil to put in my ear. I would have preferred a darker framed eyeglass or a bigger frame, but my wire frames were OK. Come to think of it, I probably would have liked a cheap wristwatch, too. And now for my acting. Like I said, I was to appear uncomfortable, but I learned long ago that we don't like to overact here at the Late Show. So I had to be uncomfortable without making it obvious. What to do? I remember watching a Tony Perkins movie; not sure which one it was. It may have been the Jimmy Piersal story but I'm not sure. In this one particular scene, Perkins was in an office with a big boss. Tony Perkins was obviously in want of something and was desperate to get it. He appeared calm, but the way he moved his hands told me that he was very uncomfortable and nervous. I thought this simple little maneuver was genius on his part. What he did was keep his arms down by his side but lift his knuckles ever so slightly upward; wrists in, knuckles up. And he picked at his thumb with his forefinger at the same time. Just that simple gesture told me everything I needed to know about what Tony Perkins was feeling at that moment. And that's who I emulated in my scene with Tony Mendez. I was playing Tony Perkins. I thought 'knuckles up' signified weakness, uncertainty, and nervousness. 'Knuckles down' would be a sign of aggression and toughness. Watching the playing of the tape, I saw that I did pick at my thumb with my forefinger but didn't point my knuckles up as much as I wanted. We did about 5 takes and the take I think they used was the one where the eyeglasses on my forehead were beginning to slip down. I believe they would have fallen to the ground if they didn't have so far to travel. My huge noggin saved me. You can see as the scene unfolded I was looking up more than I probably should have. I did this to keep the eyeglasses from slipping down. We kept taping right up to the point where the blood gushed from the poor fellow's wrist. Once we were satisfied with what we had, it was time for the blood. We rehearsed this a number of times, knowing we only had one shot at it. Once the blood was squirted, we would be drenched and there was no going back. Before the blood scene, everything was double and triple checked. And then we did the blood scene. And that was that. That's a wrap. Afterwards, we all went to Sardi's.

And here is George Clarke's recipes featured in Spring Traditions. I was worried I would have to write out the whole thing but things turned lucky when I checked the Letterman Newsgroup and found I was able to steal it from an Alan Page posting.

HONEY DIJON BIRD:
3/4 cup dijon mustard
1/4 cup water
1/4 cup honey
2 tablespoon onion, minced
1/8 teaspoon red pepper
1 Robin
1 tablespoon sugar
3/4 teaspoon salt

3 BEAN SALAD:
1/2 teaspoon instant minced garlic
6 to 7 pounds chicken parts or 2 broiler chickens
1 can (15 to 16 ounces) cut green beans, drained
1 can (15 to 16 ounces) cut yellow beans, drained
1 can (15 to 16 ounces) red kidney beans, drained
1/4 cup chopped green pepper
1 cup sliced purple onion
1/2 cup cider vinegar
1/2 cup vegetable oil
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon pepper

POLENTA:
3 tablespoons melted butter, divided
1/4 teaspoon paprika
6 cups boiling water
2 cups cornmeal
2 teaspoons salt

ESPN's Monday Night Football has dropped Joe Theismann as their analyst and picked up former Eagles quarterback Ron Jaworski. And now let's have a moment of silence for the departure of Joe Theismann . . . . something we never enjoyed while he was in the booth.

They discovered that it was rat poison in the pet food that was making the pets sick. Unfortunately, it doesn't work on rats.

Not a good sign: The Yankee pitcher in the best physical condition right now is Carl Pavano.

Giuliani's wife announced that she's been married two times before this, not only once. Who is the secret ex-husband? I don't know but my first guess was Bernie Kerik was somehow involved.

A week ago I went to the new mall on the weekend. I know, I know, big mistake. But it was a beautiful Saturday, the first beautiful Saturday of the year, and I figured nobody would be at the mall, or at least the number would be greatly reduced. Was it crowded in the mall? I don't know because I couldn't find a place to park. Good gosh, people, why do you need 'things'? Why do you need to go to the mall to buy 'stuff' and 'things'? Do 'things' make you happy? Do you think you really need these 'things'? Don't you understand that you don't NEED 'things,' you only WANT 'things.' Remember, you don't get 'things'; 'things' get you.

Everyone I talk to says they never go to the new mall on the weekend. Yet, it's always too crowded to park. It was the first beautiful Saturday of the year and the place was packed. Doesn't anybody play outside anymore?

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From the Ukraine, it's Tanusha
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER