ACT 1
Just for my records: During the monologue, Dave mimes smoking a cigarette. In my database, I'll record this under "Odd Dave."

The most popular film at the box office is "Ghost Rider." It is very exciting, but they're running an odd disclaimer before the film. We just happen to have a copy of the disclaimer.
Announcer:

"The following film depicts a supernatural character who rides a motorcycle while on fire. The producers wish to emphasize that you should never operate a motorcycle or other heavy machinery while your head is engulfed in flames. If flames are shooting from your skull, seek prompt medical attention. Keep any burning parts of your skeleton away form your motorcycle's gas tank and other flammable hazards. Also, wear a helmet whether or not your head is on fire, and obey all local traffic laws. And now, enjoy the film."

The Academy Awards are this weekend. Have you seen "The Queen" with Helen Mirren? Dave finally went to see it and thought this one scene was a bit odd.
From the film, we see the Royal Family sitting in their castle watching the TV. They all appear glum and down. The shot switches to what they are watching on the tellie. It is Dave and the Late Show. On the TV, Dave is flipping pencils at the desk. Queen Elizabeth, disgusted, rises and sighs, "I'm going to bed." She exits.

Inspired by the clip, Dave performs his patented pencil-flip and catch at the desk. I put a star on my note pad to record this in my database for possible future use.

LATE SHOW FUN FACTS
-Every day, 20 banks are robbed in the United States
-Libya is the only country with a single-colored flag
-A violin contains about 70 separate pieces of wood
-Thomas Edison also changed the first light bulb
-At Johns Hopkins School of Medicine there is an actual Dr. Pepper.
-Due to allergies, Cat Stevens cannot own a cat
-In 1959, D.C. Comics unveiled a superhero named "Waffle Man."
-If there is life on another planet, a majority of people hope it's an adorable puppy
-In 1878, the winner of the Kentucky Derby was disqualified when it was found to be two guys in a horse costume
-The ability to walk on water made it difficult for Jesus to swim
-The actor who's won more Academy Awards than anyone? Gary Busey
-In 1972, the world's fastest man and the world's oldest man were the same person
-"Match Game ‘76" is a Mark Goodson-Bill Todman Production
-One in every 2,000 babies is born with a tooth, and one in 10,000 with a mustache
-Until 1988, Kentucky Fried Chicken's wings were made of beaver meat
-Wyoming was the fist state to allow nude voting
-Before the invention of the ice cream sandwich, people ate frozen BLTs.
-Three's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold, and she's buying the stairway to heaven.
-Due to a scheduling mix-up, Jerry Lewis once had to close his show in Vegas by singing "Great Balls of Fire."
-Tension at the Last Supper mounted only a dozen shrimp puffs were ordered for 13 people.
-Due to cost-cutting measures, Silly Putty is 23% less silly than it used to be
-This bit is dying. Wrap it up.
-The 56 original signers of the Declaration of Independence all received complimentary totebags
-It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open, but next month on a two-hour ABC special, David Blaine is going to try.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see President George W. Bush: "I quit drinking in '86."

ACT 2
TOP TEN: Signs Your Film Won't Be Winning An Academy Award
#7. The actors are kitties (me: "starring Toonces.")

TONY MENDEZ AND STEPHANIE BIRKITT
It's the single, most popular thing on the www. . . . it's "The Tony Mendez Show", starring Tony Mendez and Stephanie Birkitt. Dave introduces the team and Stephanie enters from the guest entrance, Tony from below the camera. Tony immediately darts an angry look Stephanie's way and demands in a low voice, "Where is your Late Show jacket?" Stephanie, as she has learned to do, ignores him.
"The Tony Mendez Show" has been on the web for about 7 years now. It first starred Tony with the frequent guest, Dave Letterman. Then Dave decided to "retire" from TMS and suggested that Tony hire Stephanie Birkitt. The team of Tony and Stephanie has grown to reach new heights of success. Tony at first was displeased with the choice of Stephanie. His first choice, says Tony, was Nanette Fabray but she wouldn't fly in to do the show. How is the show going now? Tony says it continually receives bombastic reviews and is even better than the Million Dollar Movie. And how is Stephanie working out? Tony claims she is careless and erratic. And what is it like to work with Tony? Stephanie says he is such a diva. Sometimes turmoil brings out great entertainment. Sometimes.
We see a clip of "The Tony Mendez Show"; an episode where Tony wants to surprise Mr. Letterman with a cake on his birthday. It ends violently for Tony, which is greeted with applause by the audience. Though the accolades always go to those in front of the camera, kudos must also go to those behind the camera: Executive Producer of the Tony Mendez Show Peter Lassally and the uncredited Fred De Cordova. Before saying goodbye to Tony and Stephanie, Dave has a surprise for them. We have a camera out on the roof pointing south down Broadway. At the S/E corner of 52nd and B'Way, high up on the roof of a building, is the new "Tony Mendez Show" billboard, featuring a photo of Tony Mendez and Stephanie Birkitt. Also in the photo, an inexplicable while tiger. Tony says the white tiger in the publicity photo was the idea of Les Moonves. Congratulations to Tony and Stephanie. "The Tony Mendez Show" is very entertaining and a huge success . . . though many believe the Guest Host shows were the best.
"The Tony Mendez Show" - the best thing on the Late Show website for those who cannot read --- now playing on the Late Show website.

ACT 3/4
SAMUEL L. JACKSON: He's in the new film, "Black Snake Moan," which opens next Friday. For the film, Samuel L. needed to learn to play guitar but before he even heard about the part, he was approached by our own Felicia Collins who whispered in his ear, "You should play a blues musician in a movie and let me teach you to play." The very next week the script for "Black Snake Moan" came across his desk, about a blues guitarist and he took Felicia up on her offer. They practiced for 8 weeks, 2-3 times a week.
Samuel just came up from Shreveport, Louisiana where he is working on a film. He likes to do some gambling in Shreveport/Bossier City, which he likens to Vegas of the South. He tends to gamble during the week, as the weekends bring in a different kind of clientele and the $5 Blackjack tables hike up to $25. That's too rich for Samuel's liking.
When gambling, Samuel usually puts himself on a time limit or a money limit, whichever comes first. And Samuel isn't happy when somebody at the table is playing and doesn't know the basic thinking of the game of Blackjack. It is very frustrating to see somebody bust on a card that should have busted the dealer. Samuel will just sit and stew, but his friend will scream, "Here! I'll pay you $100 just to leave right now!" (Remind me to sit next to Samuel's friend the next time I go gamble.)

What do I think about gambling at the casinos? I don't like it much. I'm happy just to break even. . . . so all night I put dollars in the dollar/change machine.
Thank you. Thank you very much. I'll be here all week . . . and probably the rest of my life.

Before saying goodnight, Dave invites Samuel to play some guitar with the band. Samuel is more than happy to show off what he has learned. He sits with the band and begins to play.

ACT 5
It's Samuel L. Jackson singing and playing the guitar with the CBS orchestra.

ACT 6
JIM GAFFIGAN: On March 3rd he'll be headlining the Chicago Theater in Chicago, Illinois. Gaffigan's topics:
-he's a lazy guy
-recycling
-newspaper
-garbage bags
-paper towels
-SUV
-can we all just admit we're not going to carpool?
-Garbage bags on the highway
I like Jim Gaffigan. I always get a few good chuckles.

And that was our show for Friday, February 23, 2007.



Two things came to me on my way to work this morning. Is Britney in or out of rehab right now? And do we have an astronaut in space right now. There's no connection between the two, but each is so commonplace these days that most Americans don't know.

I have a new favorite college basketball team to root for in this year's March Madness. It's the Big East's Pittsburgh. Why? Because their coach is Orlando Antigua. And who is Orlando Antigua? Back on February 11, 1999, he was a contestant on Know Your Current Events. And there is an article on him in Friday's New York Post. No mention of his KYCE appearance. When I saw the photo in the paper, I thought the guy looked familiar. And there was one photo of Orlando as a Harlem Globetrotter. And then I remembered that we once had a Globetrotter on our show for KYCE. A quick check in my database and . . . ta da! Same guy!

Here's something else I wondered about on my morning drive in to work . . . what's the evolutionary thinking behind the hammerhead shark? It looks like that when it was just a guppy, the hammerhead got stuck swimming through one of those 6-pack plastic rings.

And now it's time for, "Another One of My Ideas That Will Never Get On The Show".
-The temperature of the sun can reach 15 million degrees Fahrenheit (true). But with the humidity, it feels like 15 million 10.
-Nobody keeps their gloves in a car's glove box
-When spelling "Mississippi," 39% of Americans add an extra "i-s-s"
-No one has ever done an impersonation of Rich Little
-For no apparent reason, 78% of Americans laugh when they hear the word "ass"
-'Righty tighty, lefty loosey' also applies to Times Square hookers.
-It is documented that there are 12 million undocumented aliens in America.
-"Ass"
-The only person who misses disco is Danny Terrio.
-The part of "No" most people do not understand is the "N"
-In Otisville, New York, it is illegal to have a yard sale without trying to sell an exercise bike

MY ACADEMY AWARD PICKS: I rarely go to the movies. Most of my picks are based on the 45-second clips I've seen on the show. The two movies I did see this year are "Dreamgirls" and "Little Miss Sunshine."

ACTOR: Forest Whitaker - "The Last King of Scotland"

ACTRESS: Helen Mirren - "The Queen" -so far, no surprises here.

SUPPORTING ACTOR: Not Wahlberg of "The Departed." No reason but I haven't heard any buzz.
Not Eddie Murphy of "Dreamgirls." No reason. I thought he was good, but I think the Academy likes to go different in the supporting categories.
Jackie Earle Haley of "Little Children"? I don't know him or the movie, which is a plus in this category, so I'm leaning towards him.
Alan Arkin? I watched "Little Miss Sunshine" with my girls. I was warned to fast-forward past the part where Alan Arkin is talking to his grandson in the back of the van. I was told the scene is unsuited for both kids and parents when they are watching it together. I skipped over this scene, and I have a feeling this is the scene that got him nominated.
Djimon Hounsou: Hollywood likes diamonds too much to vote for anyone in this movie. Sorry, Djimon. You know what? I changed my mind. I'm going with Djimon.

SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Jennifer Hudson - "Dreamgirls" . . . . no, let me change that. This is one of those "I think this person will win but I hope this person wins" categories: I'm changing my pick to Abigail Breslin, the little girl in "Little Miss Sunshine." (wait . . . check below)

BEST DIRECTOR: Ahh, what the heck, Martin Scorcese for "The Departed."

BEST PICTURE: "Little Miss Sunshine" - I'm in the Academy Award office pool and the only way I can win is if I pick an upset in one of the major categories. This is my surprise pick. I figure everyone else will be picking "The Departed." Plus, a lot of the movie takes place in California and a lot of the voters are from California. I think that helps.

I think I may change my Supporting Actress pick back to Jennifer Hudson. She probably deserves it, but I think she should be in the Lead Actress category. How do they determine that anyway, Lead Actress vs. Supporting Actress? OK, here goes . . . my pick for Best Supporting Actress . . . . damn . . . . I don't know . . . hold on, let me check a few things . . . . OK, I'm back. I'm going to stick with the little kid, Abigail.

And those are my big picks for the Oscar Pool. Oh, yeah, I'm also going with "Letters From Iwo Jima" for Sound Editing.

And now it's time for, "Another One of My Ideas That Will Never Get On The Show".
Dave and Paul Newman take the NYPD drivers training course. Hey, a guy can dream, can't he?
This concludes another installment of "Another One of My Ideas That Will Never Get On The Show".

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet . . . . I think.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
I think it's his birthday today, from Stormville, New York, it's 49-year-old Danny Cocciardi
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER