ACT 1:
On our show tonight, Kelly Ripa. And to make Kelly feel comfortable, in the green room we have a guy who kind of looks like Regis. We get a shot of the fellow. I believe his name is Jerry Aatricks.

And next week, oh boy, it's the exciting Ventriloquist Week, Part 2. We'll have, starting Monday, Kevin Johnson with Clyde & Matilda. And then on Tuesday . . . suddenly we hear a guy yelling from the audience trying to get Dave's attention.
Dave tries to ignore, but the yelling persists so Dave feels the need to address the gentleman.
GUY: "Excuse me, Dave! Dave!" (the guy is holding a ventriloquist dummy)
DAVE: Yes, sir, can I help you?"
GUY: "Wait a minute . . Ventriloquist Week is THIS week!
DAVE: "No, it's next week."
GUY: "No, I'm certain it's this week."
DAVE: "I'm not sure where you got your information but it's definitely this week, the 12th to the 16th.
GUY: "So you mean to tell me I waited 6 hours in the cold for nothing?"
DAVE: "I wouldn't say for nothing . . . we have a great show . . .
(The guy interrupts Dave and addresses Alan Kalter)
GUY: (giving the finger to Alan) "GIVL You!"
GUY: (giving the finger to Paul) "GIVL You!"
GUY: (dropping the dummy and giving two fingers to Dave) "And GIVL You!"
The guy turns and exits out the back of the theater, leaving his Ventriloquist dummy there on the floor. This was not pretty.
Dave instructs Biff to pick up the dummy and take it to the Lost and Found backstage. Biff goes to the aisle and grabs the dummy by the ass and takes it away. It's a bit of a rough start to the show.

People are nuts. Have you been following this astronaut story? NASA astronaut Lisa Nowak was stalking another astronaut and it looked like she had plans to kidnap and perhaps even murder her. She was driven to track down this third leg of the love-triangle. We take a look at recent footage released by NASA.
We see a space shuttle flying through the night sky. A moment later, it is followed by a car driving by Nowak.
It was a silly kid-like joke that made me laugh.

SMALL TOWN NEWS
A flyer from Manny & Olga's Pizza in Rockville, Maryland: "Buy 1000 extra-large pizzas and get 1000 large free."

The Greensboro (Alabama) Watchman: "House for sale in nice neighborhood. Only burglarized 3 times in the last month. Alarm being installed."

The News-Record (Neenah, Wisconsin): "Police and Fire Blotter: A report that a Maplewood Middle School student was attempting to sell grass on school grounds. A locker search revealed a pack of cigarettes and a sealed bag of lawn clippings in his coat pocket."

The Cape Gazette (Lewis, Delaware): You might want to bring a couple magazines if you have an appointment with this psychiatrist: "Paul A. Lange, M.D. - Waiting time 1 to 4 days."

The Superior (Nebraska) Express: "Bloom 'N' Things will not be re-opening in the Spring. Unlike last year, when I said the same thing and then opened. This year, I am for sure."

The Canton, Youngstown & Tuscarawas Valley Auto Mart: Airport Chevrolet is offering quite a deal: "Free can of Vienna Sausage from Armour with a test drive of any used vehicle."

USA Today (now there's a small town newspaper): "The York County Sheriff's office is trying to track down $12,000 worth of soybeans stolen from a grain dryer. Tracking down the beans could be next to impossible because all soybeans look alike."
Dave says, "I think this is an example of profiling."

The Park Record (Park City, Utah): "County Sheriff's report: Four kids in Pinebrook were allegedly throwing snowmobiles at houses."
Dave: "Those are big tough kids."

The Walla Walla (Washington) Union-Bulletin: "Vandalism. 500 Block of Southwest Third Street. Front door of residence smudged by burrito."

From a Georgia paper: "Annual Valentine's Day sale. Special Treat: Lingerie show. Place: Putnam County Senior Citizen Facility"

Farm News in Iowa: Headline: "Why are Farm News Ag Show Exhibitors smiling?" (slow zoom in on the farmer. He is not at all smiling.)
The guy reminded me of the King of the Hill guy.

The Arizona Republic: No wonder this woman looks excited: "New Year's Implant Special. Buy 2, get one free."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We George W. Bush: "I . . . uhhh . . . . and by the way the enemy made their positions clear yet again when the . . . . uhhh . . . . when we . . . were able to . . . . . . . . stop."

I think the President's just about given up.

ACT 2:
TOP TEN: Questions to Ask Yourself Before Exercising Naked - there is a gym in the Netherlands offering "Naked Sundays" for customers who would like to workout in the nude. The first "Naked Sunday" is scheduled for March 4th.
#9. Can I handle a naked dude spotting me?
#6. Is this some sore of "Dateline sting?
To read the entire Top Ten, click on the Top Ten under "Last Night on the Late Show."

CHRIS ELLIOTT, with GERARD MULLIGAN: They enter dressed as hippy-like debt collectors/Bounty Hunters. Mulligan is dressed in all black, long sleeved and long pants. Chris is dressed in black pants and a black vest. He is wearing a big yellow wig and smoking a cigarette.
Dave tells Chris he looks a bit different. Christ is proud to say, "I lost 200 pounds." How? Lifestyle change. One change is he gave up the buttermilk and now only drinks whole.
What are they up to? Chris and Mulligan, both retired, created a Bounty Hunting Service and the A&E decided it would be a fantastic reality show. The A&E cameras followed them around as they tracked down a bounty. Location: Waikiki, Hawaii. We see a clip from the show, starting with the job for the day and ending with the eventual capture. My favorite part was seeing Chris getting electrocuted. I haven't seen "skelly" here on the show in years. It looks to be a very thrilling program on the A&E. Night and time? I asked Mr. Elliott after the show but unfortunately A&E keeps moving it around. Probably explains why I haven't been able to find it.
What's next for Mulligan and Elliott? They have an upcoming appearance at PC Richards. Mulligan chimes, "The one in Syossett." I'll be there with my autograph book.

ACT 3:
KELLY RIPA: she's the good-looking host on the "Live! With Regis and Kelly" show. And she's dressed quite lovely tonight as a guest on our show. It's hard to believe she's a mom of three.
Kelly and the family went on a recent vacation down in the Caribbean on an island called Anagata. I made a mental note and guessed Paul would play Iron Butterfly's "Indagada davida" during the break. Minutes later, DING! It is a very small island, inhabited by 200 people year round. It's so small, a doctor comes only on Mondays. So Kelly is there with the family and her husband attempts to open a box of candy with a knife. Just as she is about to suggest he not use a knife he slices his hand open, spurting blood all over one of the kids. Luckily, they were with Kelly's brother and sister-in-law, both doctors. They found some medical supplies onboard a boat and they stitched up Kelly's husband. Kelly shows photos of the operation. The doctor was in a bikini. Now that's what I call a health plan.

ACT 4:
Before the show, Alan Kalter asked if he could say a few words if we had a free minute or so. Dave surrenders the time to Alan.

Alan: "Thanks, Dave. Everywhere you look, you see another report on Lisa Nowak, the trouble astronaut who was arrested after attacking a romantic rival. Some people say she's insane, but if you ask me, she's just misunderstood. How do I know? . . . ."

Alan: "Because I'm misunderstood too, baby doll. In fact, you and I are very much alike. We've both had restraining orders filed against us. We both like to wear adult diapers. And while I've never been in orbit, there is one part of me that can simulate zero gravity. So next time you feel like having a man land on you, why don't you set your coordinates for a link-up with Space Station Kalter. And you can tell me all about your missions exploring outer space, while my big red rocket explores your inner space."

Dave's had enough. He puts a stop to this immediately.

ACT 5: It's the old Regis look-alike in the green room fast asleep.

ACT 6: JOHN MELLENCAMP: From his new CD, "Freedom's Road", John Mellencamp performed "Someday." During the commercial break, John performed Van Morrison's "Wild Night."

And that was our show for Wednesday, February 7, 2007.



Disgraced Minister Ted Haggard has re-emerged to say that after three weeks of intensive rehab, he is no longer gay. He made the announcement via e-mail to his Church. To prove his heterosexuality, Ted Haggard has agreed to do a Snickers commercial

I have a pair of Nike sneakers that are about a year old. All of a sudden, they've started squeaking. What causes sneakers to squeak? It's driving me crazy. . . . and those around me.

I failed as a parent today. My 11-year-old daughter asked me, "Dad, what's a 'Trojan'?" I asked why she wanted to know. "I heard someone talking about it at school" she says. I thought for a minute, trying to decide the best way to answer. Nervously, I began . . . . "Do you know how Notre Dame is known as 'The Fighting Irish'? And you know how Tappan Zee High School is known as 'The Dutchmen'? Well, USC, the University of Southern California, has the nickname 'The Trojans.'" Unconvinced, she said, "Oh . . . OK." I gave her a kiss and said, "You can ask me anything anytime, honey." As she walked away, I felt a bit guilty and told her, "That's probably not what they were talking about at school but that's fine for now." I'll readdress the issue in a couple days. Hopefully her mother will handle by then.

LETTERMAN'S HUMOR: The racehorse Letterman's Humor is running in the 7th race at Florida's Gulfstream Park today. The #3 horse is going out at 20-1. Good luck, Letterman's Humor.

Remember how I said I was happy with the CBS production of the Super Bowl this past Sunday. I felt there were very few crowd shots and the cameras pretty much stayed on the game. And then I read in Tuesday's New York Times that many of the cameras were not able to carry a clean picture due to the rain. The number of cameras in use was greatly reduced. I sort of remember this happening once before. I was very happy about a way a game was shot and then two days later I found that many of the cameras were inoperable. This only backs my claim that the number of cameras in use at a football game should be halved, and from that, only half used. It makes for a much more enjoyable game.

Here's something that popped into my head on my morning commute: Let's say there are two seconds left in a basketball game and a player takes a full court desperation shot. The shot falls 15 feet short . . . . . but then bounces into the basket! Would this shot count? I doubt that it has ever been done, but I've seen such situations where the ball bounced high enough that it could have bounced in the basket if on target. So would it count? Any Mendy Rudolph's out there with an answer?

Another One of My Ideas That Will Never Get On The Show:
Pat Farmer, George Clarke, and Biff Henderson in the lobby. We find them each standing in front of an easel. On the easel is a huge Soduko game. We see who will finish first. We check in during the show.
This concludes another episode of "Another One of My Ideas That Will Never Get On The Show."

And so ends another issue of the Wahoo Gazette, the world's longest continuous-running blog on the internet. . . . I think.

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Spring Valley, New York, and 1976 graduate of Ramapo Senior High School, it's Stuart Reiber.
This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER