Cold Open: Dave and Paul in the dressing room before the show.
Paul: “Thanks for the Christmas present, Dave. It was such a surprise.”
Dave: “You’re welcome, Paul.”
Paul opens box to reveal a Christmas ornament.
Paul: “Yeah, I was especially surprised because you’ve known me 25 years and forgot I’m Jewish, you stupid, stupid ‘givl.’”
Paul throws the ornament against the mirror and exits.
Dave: calling out to Paul, “Happy Hanukkah.”

Monologue joke: “Donald Trump pardoned Miss USA. You can’t under estimate the American male’s compassion for drunk sluts.” Dave takes a closer look at the cue card. He corrects himself, revealing he meant to say “a slutty drunk.” Dave then adds, “I got it backwards . . . and we’ll need the exact wording for the lawsuit.” I laughed.

Hey, you know what happened 41 years ago today? Our cameraman Dave Dorsett joined the CBS team. His first day on the job was December 20, 1965. His first CBS show: the soap opera The Secret Storm. Dave the host has something for Dorsett. He goes over to the side door and brings out a huge three-foot-by-three-foot gift wrapped box. “It’s a tie”, Dave the host says.

And you’re here on a big night. All night long in front of Dave’s desk will be the burning Yule log. The camera widens to reveal the warm fire. Ahhh. Says Dave, “Talk about roasting nuts! . . . .”

And earlier today was the big Rocky movie. It’s gotten great reviews, and Dave has a clip from the film. We cut to a bit of Shecky black and white footage of a guy boxing a kangaroo.

It’s Hanukkah, and that’s supposed to be a fun holiday for Jewish people, but apparently there can be problems. We take a look at what Dave means.
Announcer: “Hanukkah . . . the Festival of Lights. A time for lighting the menorah, eating potato pancakes, and playing dreidel. Unfortunately, too many dreidel players develop serious gambling addictions, ultimately losing their savings, their homes, even their families. If you’ve got a dreidel problem, get help. Call the Dreidel Anonymous Hotline today. And Happy Hanukkah.”

GEORGE W. BUSH: WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
We see the President at the White House lighting of the menorah. George is there in his appropriate blue tie. Singing celebrating the Jewish holiday is heard. The President, with his goofy grin trying to look comfortable, sways to the singing.

WHAT THEY WANT FOR CHRISTMAS – With a very nice opening song from Paul.
Kid Rock (shot of Kid Rock with the very buxom Pamela Lee) – Wants custody of “the twins.”
Diddy – to be even diddier
Miss USA – Stoli and blow
Mel Gibson – Cardigan from Apocalypto & Fitch
Late Show staff - something to go wrong with Dave’s brakes
Charlie Sheen – a visit from the Ghost of Hookers Past
Michael Richards – a white Christmas
David Hasselhoff – less hassle, more hoff
The Dalai Lama – and end to world hunger . . . and Playstation 3
Richard Nixon – no gift required (no reaction from the audience. I’m not sure if they realize he’s dead)
Taco Bell Chihuahua – Yo quiero a personal injury lawyer
Britney Spears - underpants

SHANNON EIS
Butterscotch – a $300 animatronic pony that responds to touch – I guess we weren’t touching it right because it wasn’t working. Shannon Ice reaches up under the pony between its hind legs to find the special switch. Dave says, as if it is he with his hand up between the pony’s legs, “I know how to make a horse gallop.” He followed this as if the pony, ‘Hey, you’re pulling the wrong lever!”
Splish Splat – a gooey gel like you see on the Nickelodeon show. Shannon hands the goo to Dave and offers, “You can touch it, play with it, stretch it out . . .” I ‘Played The Dave” and said, “I do that at home.” Not a match. Instead, Dave responded to “You can touch it, play with it, stretch it out . . .” with “I haven’t heard that since my honeymoon.” Not a match, but in the same ballpark.
LEGO scorpion – Simple LEGOs made into a robotic creature that responds to your touch. A bit creepy, but very interesting.
A Tommy Gun which shoots Nerf darts. I may be wrong but I think we have this every year. Dave has some fun shooting the Tommy Gun in rapid fire. He takes much aim at the currently non-functioning Butterscotch the Pony.
Nerf Howler Footballs – footballs with a tail on the end which you can throw at a target on your bedroom door.
A remote control 4X4 monster truck. We have something like this every year. This truck will climb over most anything and keep on going. Dave takes the remote control and runs the 4X4 into the horse. He then directs the truck into the demo table in the center of the stage. The powerful bugger moves the table around the stage. Very impressive. So impressive, that Dave uses the phrase, “Yikes-a-hootie!” He doesn’t use “Yikes-a-hootie” for just anything.

We had two more toys to show but Dave was having too much fun with the 4X4 Monster Truck and we ran out of time.

RENEE ZELLWEGER: I don’t know if this got on or not: Dave reads the intro to Renee Zellweger but can’t make out the date the movie opens in select cities. Is it the 24th or the 29th? Dave tells Tony is looks like the 24th. Tony says it’s the 29th. Dave has the cameras turn to Tony’s cue card to show us how anyone could have been confused. Since Dave doesn’t read the Wahoo Gazette, I’m going to side with Tony on this one. But come to think of it, Tony doesn’t read the Wahoo Gazette either, especially these days since he is so busy not doing The Tony Mendez Show. Anyway, I call it a toss up. The 9 did look a little bit like a 4.
Dave invites Renee to cozy up to the fire. Renee nudges up to Dave and it becomes a lovely Christmas card image. Renee recently spent some time in Jordan attending a conference on women’s health issues. She was given a driver who spoke no English . . . . but the car did. He was an extremely fast driver and not a very safe one, at that. The car was equipped with some kind of monitor system that told about the state of the car . . . but all in English. The driver didn’t understand, but Renee was clearly able to hear the car begging, “Do not drive over 80 miles per hour”, followed by a big red flashing light on the dashboard with the warning, “Flat Tire.” He slowed down a little, turned off the dashboard monitor system, and was soon back up to 140 mph. She was very happy to arrive at the airport safely.
And when she was making her Miss Potter film along the English country side, she stayed at a luxury 5-star hotel. Unfortunately, it was right across the street from a nuclear power plant that was shut down because of leakage. A hotel worker told her why she shouldn’t be alarmed, but the more she explained the more Renee got scared. She quickly moved out to a small room above a pub miles away. Gee whiz, that would have been my first choice. A pub and a room within falling distance . . . what’s better than that?
Dave tells Renee, “You smell great!” Renee shyly admits “I took a shower for you.”
What can Renee tell us about her marriage to Kenny Chesney? She would rather not tell anything. It was a quick romance and to match the quick marriage. And then she quickly changed the subject. She tells Dave that she was watching the show the other night and noticed that Dave must be doing something new with his hair. Dave says it’s the plugs finally taking hold.
With the tables turned, we take a look at Renee’s new film, Miss Potter, about the author of children’s books Beatrix Potter. It opens in select cities on December 29th. It has my interest and I hope to take my 11-year-old Dominique to see it on a daddy-daughter date, followed by Stone Cold Creamery. ACT 5: Music from the band. The camera pans to and stops on Paul. Paul looks to the camera and holds up a small box of Dentyne gum.
Paul: “Shannon Ice! New from Dentyne!”

TAKING BACK SUNDAY: From their most recent CD, “Taking Back Sunday” performed “Liar, Liar.”

And that was our show for Wednesday December 20, 2006.



Why is “abbreviation” such a long word?

A lot of you have been asking, “What happened to the Late Show Christmas Tree?” We have it up now and it is already decorated with the usual top piece; a pizza pie, the Empire State Building; and a meatball. This year we decided to put on the top piece on Sunday. Don’t know why. Jay Thomas will be here on Friday to try to knock it off.

A few years ago I made a plea to have the local mall to stay open 24 hours for the week before Christmas. So far, my mall hasn’t taken my advice but someone must have heard it. A Macy’s in Queens, New York announced it will be staying open 24 hours through 6:00 PM Sunday.

And now another installment of “My Idea That Didn’t Get On.”
Early in the day I suggested the following --- While Dave is with a Renee Zellweger, he should take out two sticks and two marshmallows. He would hand a stick and marshmallow to Renee and the two of them could conduct the interview while roasting marshmallows of the Yule Log.
I suggested it. It didn’t get on. Maybe I’ll try again on Thursday for Dave and Tom Brokaw.

My friend Vinny Fucci is a member of the Michael Waltrip Racing NASCAR team. He called me the other day telling me that ESPN is doing an 11-episode documentary series that chronicles Michael Waltrip Racing and Toyota’s new partnership in the NASCAR NEXTEL Cup Series. I’m trying my best to watch but remain distant because I want to see if I can spot Vinny, but I don’t want to become a fan of NASCAR. I have little free time as it is . . . I don’t need NASCAR in my life. My brother-in-law is a big fan and I have some friends who are big fans, but I haven’t been bitten by the NASCAR bug yet. But wouldn’t you know it, the ESPN program is pulling me in. I’m becoming a fan. I’m fighting it, but it’s getting to me. We’ll see how strong it has me this February . . . that’s when they run the DAYTONA 500! Yeah, baby! Says Waltrip on his website: “This show was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for me to build a race team and give the fans an inside look into everything that goes into it . . . from hiring the crew, to applying information about rules and competition, and seeing how it all comes together.” I’ll be looking for you, Vinny. Vrooom vrooom.

From AmericanHolidayCalendar.com.

Yule Log
The custom of burning the Yule log dates back to pagan midwinter celebrations in northern Europe. It was a time to celebrate the passing of the year’s shortest day and the coming of spring. Eventually the Yule customs were merged with those of the Christmas holiday. Today as part of the Christmas celebration, the Yule log is lit on Christmas Eve and burned during Christmas Day.

The Yule Log – do you have it in your town? For years here in New York on Christmas morning the local WPIX TV channel would show a fireplace with a burning log for three hours without commercial interruption. Christmas music would play. It became a popular staple I many households the morning of December 25th. And then in 1989 it was stopped. “Too costly” was the excuse. Without commercials, WPIX said it couldn’t broadcast the Yule Log. 12 years later I 2001, the Yule Log made its return

And now my Yule Log story:
Years ago as a goof, I taped the Yule Log off the TV one Christmas. The next year I brought the tape with me to every Christmas party I was invited. I would lend it to the host who would usually scoff and roll his eyes. I would force him or her to put it in the TV and promised it would be fine. And it always was. It became a hit at every party. It gave a real feeling of Christmas days and weeks before the holiday. Plus, it kept the men from watching a ballgame when they should be mixing. And then the burning of the Yule Log was taken off the air here in New York in 1989 and my Yule Log tape became even higher in demand. I highly recommend taping this year’s Yule Log for next year’s parties. And if you can’t tape it . . . sigh . . . it’s now available on DVD. Once again I am years ahead of my time.

Names of Things You Never Knew Had Names
KEEPER - The loop on a belt that keeps the end in place after it has passed through the buckle.
KICK or PUNT - The indentation at the bottom of some wine bottles. It gives added strength to the bottle but lessens its holding capacity.
LIRIPIPE - The long tail on a graduate's academic hood.
MINIMUS - The little finger or toe.
NEF - An ornamental stand in the shape of a ship.
OBDORMITION - The numbness caused by pressure on a nerve; when a limb is `asleep'.

Writes Wahoo reader Joel Bradbury:

“Thanks for the definitions - as aglet...could not recall that one. HELP - the 'strings' that are between the peel and a banana...can NOT think of it?????”

Do the strings between the peel and a banana have a name?

Tom Brokaw is on the show Thursday night to promote his NBC Special, “Tom Brokaw Reports: In The Shadow of the American Dream”, which airs Tuesday night, December 26th. But don’t tell the NBC website about the special. I think they want to keep it a big secret. I went to look up some information on the program but I couldn’t find anything. A couple weeks ago, the ABC website had very little to offer up on the Barbara Walters special. And don’t think CBS skates on this. They like to hide upcoming specials, too, although they seem to have gotten better. CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER:
From Cedar Rapids, Iowa, it’s 16-year-old Erik Hindman. Thanks for lowering my age-demo, Erik. Keep watching and keep reading. This concludes another installment of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER