Dave is in a festive mood as he distributes some gifts to the audience from under the LATE SHOW Christmas tree. Hopefully they don’t open them until after the show.

Here’s something new . . . something we call “Dick Cheney: Drinking Again?”
We see the V.P. speaking at Friday’s farewell to Donald Rumsfeld: “I believe the record speaks for itself: Don Rumsfeld is the finest Secretary of Defense this nation has ever had.” Well, maybe better than the one from March 21, 1989 – January 20, 1993.

Did you happen to catch the brawl at the end of the Knicks/Nuggets game Saturday night? It was wild, to say the least. But I’m not sure if the Knicks are as apologetic as they should be. We watch.
We see footage of the brawl. Announcer: “Near the end of Saturday night’s game against the Nuggets, a brawl erupted causing all 10 players on the court to be ejected. While we at the Knicks organization are embarrassed by these events . . . Hey, it was the most exciting thing we’ve done all year.
Knicks Basketball: We’re coming for you next!”

There has been a lot of speculation that Fidel Castro may have a terminal illness. Cuban officials are denying that. So Dave decided to get to the bottom of this. He placed a call to the Cuban leader and he is on the phone right now.
Dave: “Hello, Fidel.”
Fidel: “Hi, Dave. How ya doing?”
Dave: “Wow! Fidel Castro. How are you?”
Fidel: “I feel great. Just came in from a run. Anywhoo, I’m fine. Hey, Happy Holidays to you, the whole Late Show crew, and give my love to Paul. I’m off to the mall to do my shopping.” Dave: Thanks, Fidel. Bye, now.
Fidel: “Bye bye”

Dave says Fidel is sounding mighty strong. He sounds good for a few more years at least.

The Inside Scoop:
That was me on the phone as Fidel. It went just as scripted, but I was prepared in case Dave went in another direction. Just in case the question “What were you in the hospital for?” came up, I had “It was just heartburn.” And if asked, “What will you be shopping for?”, I would respond “that vacuum cleaner that doesn’t need a bag.” It was not scripted, but I like to be ready just in case. And I don’t tell anybody what I have planned “just in case”. This way they can’t tell me “no.”

SMALL TOWN NEWS
The Rutland (Vermont) Daily Herald: “A Springfield man pleaded innocent Tuesday to charges that he deliberately ran over a wild turkey on his way to anger management class.”

Citybeat (Cincinnati, Ohio): Here’s a classified ad: “Mind blowing body rubs in a relaxing candlelit room by a beautiful 221 year old blonde.”

From a Lake May, Florida paper: “Christmas In The Village. Forecast calls for snow nightly on Main Street at 7, 8, and 9 PM. Snow may be cancelled due to inclement weather.”

The Argus Leader (Sioux Falls, South Dakota): Here’s an advice column with the topic “Husband Addicted to Porn.” And right below it there is an ad: “Adult Tape Sale.”

The Leader-News (Greenville, Kentucky): I keep going over this one and I can’t get it to add up: “Sunday, September 24th, Conquerors Quartet with Andy Roberts.” The photo of the quartet consists of 7 people.

I mentioned a 5-person quartet a while back in LATE SHOW Fun Facts. A Wahoo reader commented that there were 5 people in the photo because one of them is the accompanist. Here in the photo of 7, it reads Conquerors Quarter (there’s 4) with Andy Roberts (that makes 5). My guess is the other two are accompanists, you know, like the guys who play the piano and harmonica. It’s just a guess.

The Montmorency County (Michigan) Era-Tribune: Here’s a niche industry you don’t always hear about: “Panda Waste Removal.”

The Trinity Journal (Weaverville, California): “Sheriff’s Report. A Weaverville woman reports that a man entered her residence, gave her a half gallon of Ice cream, and left.”

The Broadcaster (Vermillion, South Dakota): This can’t have ended well: “Lost: Cow, north of Vermillion, around packing plant area.”

The St. Clair County (Missouri) Courier: This can’t be good: “Robbie Garver tries his luck at laser eye surgery, while Kendall Fellhoelter offers some advice.” (photo of two kids working on some kind of video machine)

The Muskogee (Oklahoma) Daily Phoenix: ad for clocks - “Save up to 20-40% - All Cocks.” And did you see the nice offer, “Free Delivery with red bows, up to Christmas Eve.”

I watched this part on the TV at home. The word “Cocks” was blurred out. How come? Do the people at the University of South Carolina have to blur it out when they shorten their team name, the Gamecocks? Oh, well. The word blurred out was “Cocks”. It’s not up to us.

The Ames (Iowa) Daily Tribune: “Police Report. Linda Johnson reported someone lives in the attic. She said they come out at night to cut hair. Officers reported they don’t believe anyone lives in the attic.”

The Dallas Morning News: Dave found this a bit depressing: “’Quip’ – ‘At my age, you really don’t want to have to learn a new commute.’ – David Letterman, 59.” Next to the comment is a photo of Jay Leno. Paul chimes, “You look good!”

TOP TEN: Miss USA Excuses – Miss USA may be stripped of her title if the allegations of underage drinking, drug use, and romantic escapades with her female roommate are found to be true. Dave says, “Isn’t that what you want in a Miss USA?”
Top Ten Miss USA Excuses
#6. “If a hot babe can’t get drunk, sleep around, and make out with her female roommate, the terrorists have won.”
#5. “I told them my talent was ‘Beer Pong.’”
#4. It’s Isiah Thomas’s fault.”
#2. “Wanted to skip straight to the has-been portion of my career.”

JOHN MADDEN: He’s the NFL’s premiere color commentator and can be seen each and every week on NBC’s “Sunday Night Football.” And he’s Frank Caliendo. John talks about Thanksgiving food; Brett Favre; Michael Vick; football players vs. guys who play football; playing football and announcing football in the cold; Sunday’s Giants game (“We won” is better to say than “We’re gonna win.”); the San Diego Chargers; the playoffs. Very funny stuff to this sports fan. Frank has captured John Madden.

BEN STILLER: He’s in the new film, Night at the Museum. It opens this Friday. Ben is the dad of a 4-year-old daughter and a 1-year-old son. Somehow he’s gotten his daughter to become a Star Trek fan. Ben is very pleasantly surprised with this. It satisfies him greatly to hear his daughter talk about Zorn and fazers. It doesn’t please mom that much. And when she asked daddy if he could dress up as Captain Kirk for Halloween, well, she certainly didn’t have to ask him twice. Ben had a costume specially made for him, wig included. You could see in his eyes that the excitement still lives in Ben over being Captain Kirk. What was his daughter for Halloween? Ben barely remembers. We see a photo of the family on Halloween; Ben as Captain Kirk; mom as Dorothy, their daughter as Glinda the Good Witch. Ben remains proud of the costume.
One certain LATE SHOW staffer whom I sat with during the show was brimming with envy. He’s hoping to have his daughter make a “Captain Kirk” request in a few years.
You hear a lot about celebrities going to rehab to fight their demons. Does Ben have any addictions? Ben comes clean and admits to being unable to say “no” to M&Ms. He eats them non-stop. While working on a film, Paul Reubens suggested he try going to a hypnotist. The results worked for a couple days but he was soon back on the plain M&Ms. The hypnotist sort of worked for the peanut M&Ms but the plain, uh-uh. Ben excitedly mentions an M&M store in Las Vegas. All they sell is M&Ms. Oh, that Vegas. It really is a city of sin.
Oh, why hypnotism sometimes works . . . it would probably work for me. You spend good money no the hypnotist and you’re too embarrassed not to have it work. You make yourself stop eating M&Ms just so you don’t feel too bad about spending the money. A little while later you allow yourself back on the addiction, but at least you can say the hypnotist worked for a little while.
Night of the Museum – also starring Mickey Rooney, Dick Van Dyke, Robin Williams, and Ricky Gervais. It looks like a Christmas vacation visit to the movie theater for me and my girls.

TRUE TALES OF LATE SHOW INTERNS: We see an intern sitting at a table boringly sharpening a box full of pencils. He drones, “I had been sharpening pencils for hours. Every nerve in my body had been deadened by the monotony of my mindless work. So, just to feel something, I stabbed the segment producer.” The camera widens to reveal a segment producer stabbed with a pencil through the heart dead on the ground.

ACT 5: It’s Alan Kalter guzzling from a quart of eggnog.

RODRIGO Y GABRIELA – the guitar duo from Mexico performed “Diablo Rojo” from their new CD, “Rodrigo y Gabriela.” Wow! That was some good music on the guitars. Nice work. I’ll be giving this CD a full listen.

And that was our show for Monday December 18, 2006.



Congratulations on your selection as Time magazine’s “Person of the Year.”

A year ago my girls were asking for boots and a jacket. This year they’re asking for Uggs and a North Face.

Have your kids discovered the Webkinz yet? Yikes. These things are huge right now. They’re a little stuffed animal that comes with a secret code. Punch the code into the Webkinz website and you’ve got yourself games and fun stuff to do. You need the secret code, though. Each Webkinz comes with a different code. The Webkinz website has just about knocked Club Penguin off the computer in my house.

Yes, my Giants/Eagles prediction was correct but I’m still not happy about it. And somehow the Giants are still alive in the playoff hunt.
Oh, and Giant management, during the off-season I would look into seeing what you could get for Shockey.

Names of Things You Never Knew Had Names
AGLET - The plain or ornamental covering on the end of a shoelace.
ARMSAYE - The armhole in clothing.
CHANKING - Spat-out food, such as rinds or pits.
COLUMELLA NASI - The bottom part of the nose between the nostrils.
DRAGÉES - Small beadlike pieces of candy, usually silver-coloured, used for decorating cookies, cakes and sundaes.

We had a very lovely Office Christmas Party last week. Music played throughout the night that many of the younger set enjoyed. And then near the end of the evening when I was about to leave, “Jumpin Jack Flash” by the Rolling Stones came on. Those of us born in the 50s and 60s brightened immediately. We were like giddy kids. “It’s ‘Jumpin Jack Flash’” we cried. And then just as quick as it came on, it went away for some more bootylicious music. “Jumpin Jack” kept me at party for another half hour, though, hoping for another sip of good music. But that was it. There was no more good music.
And sadly, no one embarrassed themselves too much at the party. Everyone was well behaved. I always hope someone will destroy their career by their behavior at the Office Party. No such luck this year. I’m surrounded by kids who are much too mature for their age. How about you? Have you ever witnessed the destruction of a career at your holiday party?

Joe Augitto of Hazelhurst, Wisconsin writes:

“Many, many years ago at an office xmas party, one of my idiotic coworkers got drunk and spouted off to an owner about what a jerk the owner was. He was fired on Monday and xmas parties were nevermore. It makes for memories (not good) and didn't really make anything better for anyone. I don't really want to see that again.”

Thank you for that, Joe. But are you telling us the whole story? That idiotic coworker . . . . c’mon, you can tell us . . . he was you, wasn’t he. It’s OK, Joe. It’s OK. It was a long time ago. We forgive you.