You ever notice how Oprah needs to give away automobiles to get people to her show? We don't do that here. Our audience come not expecting a thing, and go home with nothing but a bad taste in their mouth.

It's America's Fastest Growing Quiz Sensation, KNOW YOUR CURRENT EVENTS

Leigh, of Memphis, Tennessee. She is here with her husband in New York City to celebrate their 11th Anniversary. They arrived last night and hoped to see Ellen DeGeneres. Unfortunately, all they got to see was Rupert.
Tonight's category choices:
Know Your Current Events
Know Your Cuts of Meat
Know Your Donald Rumsfeld
Know Your "Dancing With The Stars"
Know Your Kevin Federline

Leigh chooses the original, Know Your Current Events.
Question #1: "William Shatner is hosting what new ABC show?"
Leigh thinks, does not say a word. She asks, "Do you want me to answer that?" Dave replies, "No, I'll leave you my number and you can all me."
Leigh confers with her husband. They know it's not "Deal or No Deal" . . . . . Times up.
Answer: "Toupee Swap.
Question #2: "Even though she's not sure she wants to do it, what is Hillary exploring the possibility of trying?"
Running for the Presidency? No.
Answer: "Sex with Bill."

Contestant #2: Jason, form Calgary. Dave chimes, "Home of the Cal-Gary Stampede!" Jason is a pilot for a private company. Lots of rodeos up in Calgary. Dave says he goes to the Augusta Rodeo in Montana each year. For the past two years, Dave has been knocked unconscious. He's had his rodeo license revoked. Dave and Jason talk planes and jets. I am always impressed with Dave's knowledge of the flying machines.
Jason wants to play "Know Your Donald Rumsfeld."
Question #1: Why did Donald Rumsfeld Resign?" Because he was doing a bad job? Nope.
Answer: "He didn't want to miss a minute of Late Show Impressionist Week."
Question #2: "What famous words from Winston Churchill did Rumsfeld quote in his farewell speech?"
Jason comes up with the real right answer, something about receiving criticism. Nice job, Jason. It's obvious you're from Canada. But it wasn't the answer we were looking for. The words from Winston Churchill quoted by Rumsfeld?
Answer: "Keep it real, bitches."

And that's how we play Know Your Current Events. The band begins to play us into commercial, but there is a disturbance from the side of the audience. It is an audience member who wants to play Know Your Current Events. Dave informs the fellow that we are out of time. The guy doesn't like that answer. He snarls, "Out of time? Out of time? I drive all the way from Philadelphia, pay a hundred dollars to park my car, wait in line for two hours, and you're out of time?"
Dave mumbles a "sorry."
Sorry apparently isn't good enough.
The guy is seething. He looks to Alan Kalter, throws up his middle finger, and yells at the top of his lungs, "'Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivl' you!" To Paul he gives the same, "'Giiiiiiiiiiiiivl' you!" And to Dave the guy gives up two fingers and an extra long, "'Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivl' you!" And then he storms out of the theater.
(to decipher 'givl', simply look to the left of each letter in 'givl' on your keyboard)
Dave blames it on the guy's probable sleep deprivation. (the guy should read Donz Week)

Back from commercial, Dave makes a secret sign to someone in his posse, tapping his chest with his fist. "I'm representin' . . . . but I can't commit."

TOP TEN: Chapter Titles in O.J. Simpson's New Book - O.J. Simpson's new book, "If I Did It", detailing how he would have committed the double murder if he had actually done it, goes on sale November 30th. Ahh, just in time for the holiday season. Dave says it is stuff like this that gives free speech a bad name.
#9. "Tuesdays with Robert Blake."
#8. "The Murder Weapon: Is It Hidden In Your Town?"
#6. "Guitar Lessons, Ballroom Dancing, and Other Things I've Taken A Stab At"
#5. "How I Killed Pat Morita"
#2. "It's Not Like I'm Blaming It On The Jews"

And to continue with Impressionist Week, it's FRANK CALIENDO! Frank enters and says how each impressionist has his signature voice. Frank's is John Madden, American's favorite NFL football color commentator. He does Madden dead-on. Frank then does Madden's announcing Al Michaels and Pat Summerall. I wonder if non-football fans enjoyed this as much as I did. He does George W. Bush, who always looks like he just heard a joke he cannot reveal no matter how serious the topic. And he is our only President who answers like a 17-year-old girl; "Whatever." Frank does Norm MacDonald; Dick Cheney, who can laugh like the Penguin; he attempts Dave and Paul, which even he admits wasn't all that good; Jeff Goldblum; and Robin Williams in the Land of Oz. It was a good, strong set throughout, bringing lots of laughs.
Frank can be seen this Sunday in the TBS Special, "A Salute To the Troops and the USO."

CHRISTOPHER GUEST: He directed, wrote, and stars in the film, "For Your Consideration." It opens in selected cities Friday. He also was in Spinal Tap and sang with the Folksmen.
Can Christopher do any impressions? He says he's a member of the Bad Impression Club. To be a member, you have to be able to do a good impression, too. Christopher somehow got in without meeting that criterion. How about his bad impression? Christopher says he can do a bad W.C. Fields. Paul loves the idea of Christopher doing W.C. and each time Christopher starts to attempt the impression, Paul bursts out laughing. He finally gets through the impression, to which Dave chuckles a "That was not even close."
Speaking of impressions, Christopher says he once wrote a screenplay with Eugene Levy which included a scene in a restaurant called, "Sullivan's Restaurant." Every worker in the restaurant had to do an Ed Sullivan impression. The scene had an actress enter the restaurant and the maitre d' says (as Ed Sullivan) "Welcome to Sullivan's. Your table will be ready in a moment." She then goes to the bar for a drink. The bartender says (as Ed Sullivan) "May I get you a drink?" And then the waiter comes over and says, as Ed Sullivan, "Your table is ready." I loved the idea. Dave loved the idea. Christopher still loves the idea . . . but it didn't go anywhere and was dropped from the film. Christopher blames the lack of enthusiasm in the scene due to no one knowing who Ed Sullivan is anymore.
Christopher gained the title of Baron recently. It's an inherited title which he received after his father passed away. His new title allows him to walk the halls of Parliament as a member of the House of Lords. His first day was not successful as he got lost inside. After passing the same guard three times, the guard asked, "Perhaps my lord would like a compass?"
Plans for Thanksgiving? Christopher will be spending time with the family. His daughter is a Vegan . . . was a Vegan . . . and one Thanksgiving his wife cooked a soy turkey. Christopher says it looked like . . . snot. Like a big pile of mucus shaped in the form of a turkey. His daughter tasted it . . . and now she's a meat eater again. "For Your Consideration" opens in selected cities on Friday. For the rest of you, it opens on Wednesday the 22nd. The clip looked quirky and fun. It's on my list.

And now it's time for a popular segment, "It's A Fact!, with George Clarke." We see a bloody and bruised George Clarke. He says, "You can't touch the waitresses at Hooters . . . It's a Fact!"

ACT 5: "Tomorrow on the Late Show, 'Impressionist Week' concludes with Kevin Pollak. Hope you enjoyed 'Impressionist Week.'"

THE GAME: The Game is a rap singer. From his CD, "Doctor's Advocate", The Game performed "Let It Ride."

And that was our show for Thursday, November 16th. Wahoo EXTRA!

The other day I took my 11-year-old girls for some Wendy's following a soccer game. We dined together and had a lovely time. As we were leaving, I grabbed two job applications from a bin on the wall to use as a learning tool for them. I was going to show them the first steps to getting a job. We got home, settled down, and then I showed them the job applications. One was in English. The other was in Spanish. DOH! This bothered me more than it should have. In fact, it burned me. Yeah, I know, I know. I tell myself that those who can't speak English here in the States are doing more than I could do . . . . going to a foreign land without knowing the language and trying to make a living . . . but I guess what really rankles me is having to make two trips to get one thing done. I hate that.

Did you watch the Luke and Laura wedding today? I did, and I was emotionally spent the rest of the day. I laughed during the exchange of vows. At that very moment, a tornado warning scrawled across the bottom of the screen for the New Jersey area. I found it very appropriate for the two turbulent love birds. I'm sure there is rough weather ahead. They each have too much baggage going in to this re-marriage for it to go smoothly. All I can do is hope for the best for them. This was the first time I watched General Hospital in quite a while and there was a lot I didn't get, like who was the woman who caught the bouquet? Nobody at the wedding liked her at all. I'm sure there's an evil story there, but please, don't tell me what it is. I don't want to get sucked back in to the General Hospital web once again.

The best part about Thursday night's torrential rainstorm was knowing that those people waiting all night and day outside Wal-Maret for the new Playstation 3 got drenched.

What am I doing this weekend? I'm going to Trenton! Danielle, my 11-year-old, and her Pop Warner Cheerleading Squad are heading to beautiful downtown Trenton to compete in some kind of competition. A few weeks ago they were victorious in Utica, New York. So while you're home watching the Ohio State/Michigan game, I'll be in Trenton watching "Gimme a P. Gimme an A. Gimme a T. Gimme an R. Gimme an I. Gimme an O. Gimme a T. Gimme an S."

Wahoo news. Every now and then I will Google "Wahoo" to see what comes up. In the news this week is the USS Wahoo
http://www.military.com/features/0,15240,118115,00.html

"PEARL HARBOR, Hawaii - Commander, U.S. Pacific Fleet declared Oct. 31 that the sunken submarine recently discovered by divers in the Western Pacific is, indeed, the World War II submarine USS Wahoo (SS 238). . . . .
This brings closure to the families of the men of Wahoo - one of the greatest fighting submarines in the history of the U.S. Navy. . . . .
Wahoo was last heard from Sept. 13, 1943, as the Gato-class submarine departed the island of Midway en route to the 'dangerous, yet important,' Sea of Japan. Under strict radio silence, Cmdr. Dudley W. 'Mush' Morton and his crew proceeded as ordered.
Radio contact was expected to be regained with Midway in late October upon Wahoo's departure from the Sea of Japan through the Kurile Island chain. No such contact was made. Following an aerial search of the area, Wahoo was officially reported missing Nov. 9, 1943. . . . .
At the time, the loss of Wahoo was believed due to mines or a faulty torpedo. But Japanese reports later stated that one of its planes had spotted an American submarine in the La Perouse Strait Oct. 11, 1943. These reports indicate a multi-hour combined sea and air attack involving depth charges and aerial bombs finally sunk Wahoo. . . . .
The discovery of Wahoo is the culmination of more than a decade of work by an international team dedicated to finding the ill-fated submarine. . . .
The Navy has no plans to salvage or enter the Wahoo wreck. Naval tradition has long held that the sea is a fitting final resting place for Sailors lost at sea. The Sunken Military Craft Act protects military wrecks, such as Wahoo, from unauthorized disturbance."

DONZ WEEK CONTINUES - I put Donz Week at the end of the Wahoo much for the same reason supermarkets put milk in the rear of their store. Most people who visit the supermarket come to buy milk. By putting the milk in the back of the supermarket, it makes shoppers go past all the other items in the store. By putting Donz Week at the end, it makes readers go through all the other stuff in the Wahoo Gazette in order to get to it.

************************************** For Thursday 11/16/06:
Part IV of V:
"So, Dann, since all that work you provide for Dave is gratis, what do you actually do for a living?"

Hey, who asked that? Oh -- me.
I pay the rent and bills by typesetting music and music-related books and journals for various publishers around the country. The last couple of years' work has been primarily with UC Press in Berkeley, where I handle their musicological journal "19th Century Music" as well as other music projects, and Oxford University Press here in NYC and NC. Any Heinrich Schenker fans here? Ah, so you're the one. Watch for the widely-anticipated Second Edition of Oxford's Analysis of Tonal Music: A Schenkerian Approach, by Allen Cadwallader and David Gagné, coming early next year. It'll move the hearts and minds of every planetary citizen.
The workload varies each day, which means lots of interrupted playtime with kitty, chasing down cockroaches, signing UPS, FedEx, DHL, and USPS packages for tenants in my apartment building, and thinking of marketing schemes to help promote Tad Lathrop's and my new CD "Red Horizon," available for sale on CDBaby http://cdbaby.com/cd/lathropgiller

Amazon
http://makeashorterlink.com/?V597211EC

iTunes
http://makeashorterlink.com/?N2532566D

and Tower Records Online (oh wait -- Tower's in liquidation...).

Good-sounding samples here:
http://tadlathrop.com/LathropGiller.html

Before long, the bell rings for dinner, so time to go out and hunt for squirrels.
Yes, it's a rich and fulfilling life.
*********************************************

Exciting stuff, Donz. Who knew you had other interests? Hey, Wahoo readers, it you wish the Gazette to extend Donz Week for another week, let me know. It's a real thrill-ride!