Cold open: Dave sitting in his library, finely dressed. Dave: “Hi, welcome to our show.”

Dave went to his voting location early Tuesday morning. He was met by a woman. She says, “Well well well, look who we have here.”
Dave, a bit perplexed, says, “Uh, who do we have here?” Woman: “It’s the All-Star.”

And now it’s time for a message from our next Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi.
Pelosi: “The Democrats intend to lead the most / catastrophic / Congress in history.”

Dave is getting a message from his index finger . . . yes . . . we have LIVE footage . . . of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s victory party celebrating his re-election. We go LIVE to the celebration.
We see Arnold dancing with a half-clad female beauty. He sneaks in a couple squeezes. That’s California for you.

And now it’s time for A Message from George W. Bush:
Bush: “The timing is right for new leadership at the Pentagon. / I’ve asked Bob Gates to serve as the Secretary of Defense. Donald Rumsfeld is / going to / become the director of / Al Qaeda.”
Dave says that sounds like a lateral move.

President Bush announced today the resignation of Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. We are lucky to have him with us tonight. Dave introduces the Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld for something we call:
ASK DONALD RUMSFELD

Dave: “Of all the shows you could choose to appear, why did you pick the Late Show?” – Paul Crandall, Buffalo, New York:
Rumsfeld: “I feel like a miserable failure. I figured if anyone would understand that feeling it would be David Letterman.” (rimshot)

Dave: “What will you do next?” – Terry Murray, North Caldwell, New Jersey
Rumsfeld: “Get to all the things I have been putting off, like answering truckloads of hate mail (rimshot) . . . . plus, I promised Oprah I’d show up in a bikini.” (rimshot)

Dave: “Which should be the priority for the new Secretary of Defense: The Iraq war or stropping North Korea from testing nuclear bombs?” – Andrew Mitchell, Danbury, Connecticut.
Rumsfeld: “Hard to say. Hey, speaking of bombs, what’s up with the Knicks this season . . . am I right, people?” (rimshot) Rumsfeld performs a Johnny Carson golf swing.

Dave: “You seem to be taking the news of the day very well. How do you explain that?” - Albert Gorman, Austin, Texas
Rumsfeld: “I have spent a lot of time with my trusted advisors: Johnny Walker, Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, and Jose Cuervo. Thanks, boys, for helping Rummy get it done.” (rimshot)

Dave: “Is there anything you won’t miss about the job?” - Edward Coleman, Elko, Nevada.
Rumsfeld: “I’d have to say dodging Cheney’s bullets in the cabinet meetings.” (rimshot)
Rumsfeld to camera as if talking to Cheney: “You just got owned, Dickie C!”

Dave: “What do you think your accomplishments were as Secretary of Defense?” – Martha Roberts, Milwaukee, Wisconsin
Rumsfeld: “Last year I came very close to getting Bush to correctly pronounce, ‘nuclear.’” (rimshot) “He did not just say that! He did not just say that! Can you dig it, kids?”

Dave: “Is there any chance we can end the war in Iraq in a timely manner, or are we in way over our heads?” - Dan Blackburn, Seattle, Washington
Rumsfeld: “Fair questions. . . . Uh, oh . . . it’s robot time!” (Rumsfeld starts dancing the robot. He then grabs at his chest) “Get the paddles! Get the paddles!”

Dave: “Who do you like on Sunday?” - Billy Norrett, Los Angeles, California.
Rumsfeld: I’ll tell you who I like Sunday. It’s time for ‘Rummy’s Upset Special!’” (graphic fly in) “Look for some home cookin’ as the Bengals stick it to the Chargers this weekend. I say Cincinnati 27, San Diego 14. Take it to the bank, losers.” (rimshot)

Dave: “When you were at the White House today, could you get a feel for President Bush’s mood?”
Rumsfeld: “Get a feel at the White House? Isn’t that what got Clinton in trouble?” (rimshot) “Who’s writing this crap, John Kerry?”

Dave: “What did the President say when you told him you were stepping down?”
Rumsfeld: “Take me with you.”

Rumsfeld: “My time is up. You’ve been great! See ‘Santa Clause 3.’ It’s Tim Allen at this best!”

Heckuva job, Rummy.

Program note: Tomorrow on our show, Biff Henderson will be in Livermore, California at G&M Farms. He will be attempting to find his way through a 6-acre corn maze.

And all next week, it’s LATE SHOW Impressionist Week.
Nov. 13: Rich Little
Nov. 14: Fred Travalena
Nov. 15: Gordie Brown
Nov. 16: Frank Caliendo
Nov. 17: Kevin Pollak

TOP TEN: Reasons Donald Rumsfeld is Resigning
#9. Ordering the illegal torture of detainees is more of a young man’s game
#3. No point in trying to be the most evil guy in the room when you work with Dick Cheney.
#2. Wanted to go out while he was on top.

DUSTIN HOFFMAN
Does Dustin like to cook? He does, saying it helps him work out his aggression. How’s that? He says he learned this one recipe years ago when doing a film in Italy. He learned it from an Italian masseuse who also doubled as a Sicilian prostitute. It’s called Spaghetti Surpriso. Dave wisely translates it to Spaghetti Surprise. Dustin is impressed with Dave’s master of the Italian language. Dustin explains how to prepare Spaghetti Surpriso by taking tomatoes and smashing them up with your bare hands. Then you press the smashed tomatoes down hard in a frying pan. It’s a very physical recipe and like Dustin says, it’s a fine way to work out your aggression. Do that to the tomatoes for awhile, and then cook up the spaghetti. Dustin says you should never ever cover spaghetti when cooking it. Why not? He’s not sure, but you’re not supposed to cover the cooking spaghetti. Dave wonders, “Is that something you learned from the whore?”
Big laugh. Anyway, you mix up the spaghetti with the smashed and squished tomatoes and you have Spaghetti Surpriso.

When Dustin was beginning his career, Dustin lived in NYC with Robert Duval and Gene Hackman. Dave calls them 3 of the finest actors of our time. Dustin thanks Dave, but points out that Duval and Gene are from an older generation. Living together, Dave wonders if they had a lot of luck with the women. They must have, being such fine actors and experts at their craft.

Update in the Spaghetti Surpriso. After you prepared the meal, simply add two jars of Paul Newman Marinara Sauce.

Back to the story of the ladies back in the day. Dustin and Robert were sharing the apartment with some opera singers; stout, hefty opera singers. They’re the ones who had the luck with the ladies. And one time one of the male portly opera singers made time with a female opera singer . . . . and starting doing their business in the bathtub . . . and they got stuck. Dave doesn’t respond, making Dustin think that Dave doesn’t believe. Dave says he does believe, but wonders who would you call in that instance. Dustin suggested a plumber. And back then Dustin got to know Barbra Streisand. Actually, he knew her roommate Elaine a bit better. Anyway, Elaine would invite Dustin to watch Barbra sing but Dustin wasn’t all that interested. He had seen her act and that was . . . enough for Dustin. But one day he saw her on the Mike Wallace Show. Barbra came on chewing a big wad of gum and talking with a thick Brooklyn accent, even more than the accent she has now. After a while, Mike Wallace asks if she wants to sing. She says, “Why, sure!” She takes out the wad of gum and sticks it under the stool she was sitting on. And then she sang. The voice from Streisand made the hair on Dustin stand on end. The power of her voice was incredible. And that was his first hearing of Barbra Streisand sing.

JAMIE OLIVER: He has a new book of recipes that will be in stores Tuesday. It’s called “Jamie’s Italy.” Dave wonders, “Did you get any recipes from whores?”
The other night Dave had some sweetbreads. What is that? Jamie says, ‘Congratulations, you ate genitals.”
Tonight, Jamie is preparing Linguine alla Carbonara di Saisiccia, or sausage carbonara.
While preparing the dish, Dave takes a slug from the olive oil, or maybe it was wine. Jamie sees Dave swigging and decides to take a gulp himself. Dave motions Paul’s way and Paul comes over to drink up, too. It is then shared with Bruce Kapler in the band. Jamie adds some heavy cream to the dish. Dave grabs the bottle and takes a huge sip of the heavy cream. Jamie notices that and tells Dave, “Mr. Letterman, I do love and respect you, but you are disgusting.”
Finishing up the dish, an exasperated Jamie proudly says this was his best segment ever.

Linguine alla Carbonara di Salsiccia – Sausage Carbonara – serves 4.
If you’re a fan of sausages and eggs, you’ll love this.
- 4 good-quality organic Italian sausages
- olive oil
- 4 slices of thickly cut pancetta, chopped
- sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
- 1 pound dried linguine
- 4 large egg yolks, preferably organic
- ½ cup heavy cream
- 3 ½ ounce freshly grated Parmesan cheese
- zest of 1 lemon
- a sprig of fresh flat-leaf parsley, chopped
- extra virgin olive oil
With a sharp knife, slit the sausage skins lengthwise and pop all the meat out. Using wet hands, roll little balls of sausage meat about the size of large marbles and place them to the side. Heat a large frying pan and add a good splash of olive oil. Gently fry the sausage meatballs until golden brown all over, then add the pancetta and continue cooking for a couple of minutes, until it’s golden. While this is cooking, bring a pot of salted water to a boil, add the linguine, and cook according to the package instructions.
In a large bowl, whip up the egg yolks, cream, half the Parmesan, the lemon zeste, and the parsley. When the pasta is cooked, drain it in a colander, reserving a little of the cooking water, and immediately toss it quickly with the egg mixture back in the pasta pot. Add the hot sausage meatballs and toss everything together. The egg will cook delicately from the heat of the linguine, just enough for it to thicken to scramble. The sauce should be smooth and silky. If the pasta becomes a little sticky, add a few spoonfuls of the reserved cooking water to loosen it slightly. Sprinkle over the rest of the Parmesan, season if necessary, drizzle with extra virgin olive oil, and serve. Eat immediately!

ACT 5: And all next week, it’s LATE SHOW Impressionist Week.
Nov. 13: Rich Little
Nov. 14: Fred Travalena
Nov. 15: Gordie Brown
Nov. 16: Frank Caliendo
Nov. 17: Kevin Pollak

THE METROPOLITAN OPERA: Performing a scene from “The Barber of Seville,” or as I like to call it, “Il Barbeire di Siviglia.” It premieres this Friday at Lincoln Center.
Very impressive performance. I love the sound of an orchestra in a theater. Makes me wish I took the cello as a kid instead of spending all those hours playing sports.

And that was our show for Wednesday November 8, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Republicans’ excuse: Too much Bush. Not enough Kerry.

Front page of Wednesday’s New York Post – BRITNEY DIVORCE!
There is a large photo of the sassy short-haired Britney Spears.
Off to the side of the front page – DEMS CLEAN HOUSE
Britney’s divorce took precedence over the mid-term election and the big day for the Democrats. Early on Tuesday, a stagehand joked how Britney was going to be the big story on Wednesday, knocking the elections off as the lead story. We all laughed at the obvious joke. It turned out it wasn’t a joke.

We ran a repeat Tuesday night to allow for the local news to cover the elections. I was fast asleep by 11:30 PM and don’t know how much we were delayed. When I heard we were going to go with a repeat and not a new show, two things immediately came to mind:
It threw a monkey wrench into my 7-Eleven idea. I had suggested the head of the 7-Eleven European market come on to celebrate the 7-11 in Europe, since European’s write their date with the date first, followed by the month, followed by the year, making Tuesday 7/11/06. He could have come on and promoted their fish and chips LATE SHOW/7-Eleven special.
The other thing that concerned me: if yesterday’s repeat screwed up my two-year wait in hopes that the February 7, 2007th show is show #2707, I’ll really be ticked off. I haven’t figured it out yet, but it will be close.

And now my Election Day story. I was in the 5th grade. It was the fall of 1968. Each of the students at Summit Park Elementary School were assigned to make a campaign poster for the upcoming Presidential election. 150 made a campaign poster for Nixon. 250 made a campaign poster for Humphrey. 2 of us made a campaign poster for George Wallace. My poster read: “Wallace Will Put Money In Your Wallets.”

What I like to do on Election Day is find a friend who is voting the opposite of me. We then go out for pizza and beer instead of voting.

And too bad, my new favorite politician, Maine’s gubernatorial candidate Phillip Morris NaPier lost in his bid. Incumbent John Baldacci was re-elected with 38% of the vote, garnering 204,000 supporters. NaPier finished 5th in the 5-person race with less than 1%, receiving 4,592 votes.

I did a 2-minute research on the guy. Sure, he was in a gunfight with cops a while back, but he did his time. So just forget that. I laughed when I read this from his website as his first objective if elected:
Objective #1: All labeling of people will be abolished
And then in an article from a Maine newspaper, I read a recap of the results:: “the self-proclaimed ‘people’s hero’ – Phillip Morris NaPier of Windham – was at less than 1 percent.” His #1 objective if elected was for all labeling of people to be abolished, and then I read where he labels himself the ‘People’s hero.’

How did Phillip Morris NaPier become my favorite politician? I couldn’t get back to sleep the other night and saw him in a debate on C-Span at 4:30 in the morning. The bearded man in overalls amused me.

Knicks vs. Duke 2006-2007 basketball season win update:
Knicks: 2
Duke: 0
Which team will win more games this year?

I wonder if the words “Wahoo Gazette” have ever crossed the lips of Quincy Smith.