IMPRESSIONIST WEEK - November 13th - 17th. Check your local listings.

The NBA season started this week and the New York Knicks came out with this commercial before their opening night.
Announcer:

"Hey, basketball fans! The New York Knicks' season kicks off this Wednesday when they take on the Memphis Grizzlies! Let's just cut to the chase and say it now . . . . we're sorry for a disappointing season. Knicks basketball: Catch the mediocrity."

At the completion of that, our costume designer Sue Hum enters and takes a seat in the guest chair. She sighs, "Man, am I tired. I need to get off my feet for a while." Dave tries to go on with the show but finds it hard with Sue sitting right there beside him. Dave says to Susan, "I thought you had to go to a banquet?"
The exhausted Sue suddenly turns angry and jumps from her chair. She points menacingly at Dave and says, "You just made the list!" Sue exits, angry as all heck.

There was a lot of running around at the last second for this Sue Hum appearance. I wasn't sure if she would be found in time. I'm sure Dave's line; "I thought you had to go to a banquet" had a story behind it. I just wasn't aware of it.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see George W. Bush with a wink, cough, and a wink.

LATE SHOW FUN FACTS - Dave gets these fun facts from a friend of Paul's whom Dave met at Paul's wedding. The guy works for the Federal Bureau of Miscellaneous Information; the FBMI. They've deputized Mr. Letterman and sent him an FBMI jacket and hat.
-Only male fireflies can fly
-Cellophane is not made of plastic. It is made from a plant fiber, cellulose, which has been shredded and aged
-The country of Brazil is named after the Brazil nut. (big laugh, but it's true)
-Loni Anderson and Louie Anderson often get one another's mail
-Toward the end, Richard Nixon would drink and get on his CB radio and talk dirty to truckers
-To try and give aliens a sense of who we are, NASA beams episodes of "F-Troop" into space
-Katharine Hepburn's last words were "Read me some of those 'You Might Be A Redneck' jokes
-The first entry ever to be searched on Google was 'Lesbian Wrestling'
-If a doctor leaves an object in you during surgery, legally it becomes your property
-Blueberry is the most commonly shoplifted muffin
-After "hello", the most popular telephone greeting is, "Sup, bitch."
-The original Lassie had rabies and was destroyed
-Orville Reddenbacher spent most of his popcorn fortune on prostitutes
-Before the advent of self-adhesive stamps, postage was responsible for 83% of America's licking
-In the days before limousines, people flaunted their wealth by riding very long horses
-In 1979, Pope John Paul declared the microwave oven a miracle
-Until 1970, the United States Census Bureau kept track of people who looked 'Shifty' -The frozen head of Ted Williams wears a wool cap
-The original recipe for animal crackers called for each cracker to be made form the meat of the corresponding animal
-Theologians now believe the Last Supper may have been more of a brunch
-If you've ever mowed your lawn and found a car, you might be a redneck
-'People' magazine's sexiest man alive is seventh in line to the Presidency
-Fortune cookies are the world's only clairvoyant dessert
-During the 1976 Presidential Debate, Jimmy Carter told Gerald Ford to "Suck it!"

TOP TEN: Ways George W. Bush is Celebrating Laura's 60th Birthday - the First Lady turns 60 on Saturday.
#5. Wrapping gifts in old unread intelligence memos
#2. 22-karat gold necklace in honor of his approval rating
#1. Not surprisingly, he has no plan.

During the top ten, Dave did some of his own impersonations: James Stewart, and Tim Tomlinson doing Charles Bronson. He later did an impression of the Tin Man.

MARTIN SHORT: He's in the new film, "The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause." And of course his Broadway show continues, "Fame Becomes Me." Dave has yet to make the show, but he promises to get it on his schedule. Martin takes that as a compliment; Dave feeling there is no rush. It must be because Dave feels the show will run for a long long time.
The subject of gambling comes up and Martin talks of his journey into that world. When Martin was making "Three Amigos", Steve Martin asked if he wanted to join this famous poker night that was hosted by Johnny Carson. Everyone involved was famous and a billionaire. The game included Johnny, Carl Reiner, Barry Diller, and Neil Simon. Martin had just purchases a new home and a movie deal he was planning on fell through. Money to him at this time was an object. Steve Martin assured him, "Don't worry. The most anyone ever lost here was $600." Steve was quick to point out, "AND, you might WIN $600." Within ten minutes, Martin Short was out $1,900. After that, Martin Short decided to just ante up and then immediately fold. He would lose, but he would lose more slowly.
After the game, they had dinner. Johnny said something funny and Martin Short accidentally spit out a hunk of potato. Where did it go, Martin Short didn't know. He then noticed the potato sitting on Johnny's hand. No one noticed the social gaffe but Steve Martin. What to do? Martin Short decided to ignore it. And it worked, because moments later the potato was gone. But that was the last Martin Short ever played poker over Johnny's house. The decision was mutual.
The first time he went to Vegas with his wife was back in 1978. Money was tight for the Shorts at this time. They went for 4 days and had $300 to gamble. It was meant to last the entire four days. The excitement of Vegas was too much. While his wife lounged by the pool, Martin went in to the casino and immediately lost $100. He went back to the room and grabbed another $100. He went to the roulette table and put it on black. It came up red. He needed to win it back, so he went to the room and grabbed another $100. He split the roulette bet just to get the feel of a win and put $50 on black and $50 on red. It came up green. It came up on zero. DOH! On his way to telling his wife the terrible news of blowing their entire gambling budget in minutes, he came across a found silver dollar. He sat in front of a slot machine to play, but a woman barked, "That's mine, sir!" He moved over. "That's mine, too, sir." Martin went around to the other side. He dropped his silver dollar into the machine . . . and won $3,000.

Martin Short Impressions: Dustin Hoffman, Katherine Hepburn, John Wayne, Jimmy Stewart. Dave asks out of the blue, "Ever hear from Kaye Ballard?" I laughed, knowing this question stemmed from Martin's last appearance.

Martin Short always has something prepared when he comes to the Late Show. Anything tonight? Martin tells of his wonderful marriage and the importance of commitment. It's very important to remain loyal and true to your one and only. It is hard at times, but it's important to remain committed. With that in mind, Martin sat and wrote this song, which he performed for us tonight.

"For twenty-five long years,
Been faithful to my wife.
I said 'I do' and knew I was committing to
One-woman life.

But the internet brought a loophole
For affairs apart from us.
Now I'm sowing my oats, but still monogamous.

I'm gettin' lucky online
My laptop's open full-time.
Who needs that' YouTube'
It's my tube you should log onto to.
I'm gettin' lucky online.

With young starlets I party
Paris, you've got male, his name's Marty.
Ms. Britney Spears says I'm a guy she'd like to Google.
I'm gettin' lucky online.

My 'My Space' friends are supermodels.

Like Heidi Klum, and that Gisele
I've swung with every 'Deal or no Deal' babe
And even Mr. Howie Mandel.

Madonna's chat room desires
Made my Dell system catch fire.

Sex talk unholy fills my inbox with Mark Foley.

I'm gettin' lucky . . .
I'm gettin' lucky . . .
One more time!
I'm gettin' lucky online!

You've got Marty!"

Martin Short: in "The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause."

KINKY FRIEDMAN: He's a singer, a songwriter, and renowned author . . . and he's running for Governor of Texas. His band was called, "Kinky Friedman and the Texas Jewboys. Some of their songs included, "They Ain't Making Jews Like Jesus Anymore" and "Proud To Be An A-Hole From El Paso." He's performed with Bob Dylan, Willie Nelson, and Eric Clapton. And it turns out that both George W. Bush and Bill Clinton are big fans; each inviting him to the White House. He is proud to say he slept at the White House under two Presidents. What does he think of Bush? Kinky says "He's a good man trapped in a Republican's body."
His view of politics: "It's the only career that the more experience you have, the worse you are at your job."
I'm not sure if he got to some the following, but I found them to be funny. From the segment notes:
Some of his campaign slogans: "Why the hell not?" and "How hard can it be?"
He will compensate for his lack of experience: "I'm a Jew. I'll hire good people."
He plans to legalize video poker terminals in bars to raise money for education under his "Slots for Tots" plan.
What about the 700-mile fence between the United States and Mexico that Bush just approved? Former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura convinced Kinky this wasn't a good idea: "In ten years, we may be wanting to get out!"
Does Kinky have a chance? He says it all depends on the voter turnout. If the turnout is high, he feels he has a heck of a chance.
Here's hoping Kinky wins. The Governorship of Texas was the springboard to the White House for George W. Bush. Who knows what could follow?

ACT 5: "And now it's time for tonight's winning lottery numbers. Get your tickets ready, America, because here they come!"
We wait . . . and the numbers 8 and 3 appear.
"If you selected these numbers, congratulations, you've won yourself a million damn dollars! Way to go, shut-ins! We'll be right back.

And that was our show for Friday, November 3, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

WAHOO NOTE: The Late Show will be celebrating "Impressionist Week" the week of November 13th through the 17th. And here at the Wahoo Gazette, we too will be celebrating a very special week the 13th through the 17th. You won't want to miss a single issue that week. It's going to be great!

The Louisville Cardinals remain undefeated in football, banging away West Virginia Thursday night. I was rooting for Louisville. Why? Because of my Louisville connection.
Back in the fall1969, New City, New York decided they wanted to get involved with the Pop Warner football league. They organized their first team that year and went with the name, New City Rams. The head coach: Frank Gitschier.
Frank Gitschier was a tough cookie; small but tough. He was your typical football coach: crew cut, angry, mean, tough, and you loved him. He came to coach the New City Rams, a bunch of 11 to13-year-old kids who never played organized football before. He only coached the Pop Warner Rams for one year, but in that one year I learned more football than my next 7 years put together. In that first year, we ran double-reverses, the Statue of Liberty; ran an unbalanced line; and a flea-flicker, which involved a hand-off as if a sweep, a throw back to the quarterback, and a long bomb down field. And it worked. Compare that to high school where we had to run every play on "one" because we would jump offsides if we ever went on "two." (and we had a good high school team - read yesterday's Wahoo)
So what's all this have to do with Louisville? Well, Frank Gitschier used to coach at Louisville and he was the guy who brought Johnny Unitas there to play college ball. Look up "Unitas" and "Gitschier" and you will find lots of stuff. The guy coached Unitas, and here he was coaching 12-year-old kids some years later.
At the end of that year of football with Coach Gitschier in 1969, we traveled to Port Jervis, New York for a game. It was the big travel game where we stayed over night. It was a million miles away from home. At least I thought so at the time. Now I realize people from Port Jervis commute to the city every day. The players from New City stayed the night with players from Port Jervis. Each player from New City stayed with someone from Port Jervis. We got to know the other players and their parents, and they got to know us. Our linebacker and slotback, hot-headed Mike Klotz, was housed by one of the players whose father was the referee for the game. During the game, Klotz was cursing the ref the whole time. He was not happy with the officiating. The official took it all in stride; letting his houseguest mouth-off and continue to play. Coach Gitschier wasn't as accommodating. He called Klotz to come out of the game. Klotz stomped off the field. Gitschier called Klotz over. He wanted to say something to the hot-headed redhead. Klotz ignored Gitschier and walked right passed the coach, bumping him on his way past. Gitschier, without looking back, reached behind him and grabbed Klotz by the collar and lifted him off the ground and placed him right in front of him. Gitschier got right in Klotz's face and really let him have it. He got the verbal whipping of his life. I turned around to find Klotz's father in the stands. He usually sat with my father for the game. The stands at Port Jervis were right up against the bench, just a few feet away. I soon found the big Mr. Klotz. Right next to my father. Mr. Klotz and my father had the biggest grins on their face I had ever seen. They loved it; Mr. Klotz especially.
And that was life back in the 60s. I can't quite imagine that happening today.

Oh, and in that game, Port Jervis scored a touchdown on a trick play. Port Jervis lined up on offense like always. And then they shifted. The whole team except for the center and quarterback shifted to the other side of the field. The center was on the right hashmark; the quarterback in the shotgun position. The rest of the team lined up on the far other side of the field. We were baffled, having never seen such a maneuver. Gitschier, of course, recognized it immediately, and ordered our guy to jump on the ball before it was snapped. We were out of time-outs. Offsides - 5 yards. In the time the ref marched off the yards, Coach Gitschier tried to teach us how to defend the formation. He hadn't fully finished his teachings, so he ordered our guy to jump on the ball again before it was snapped for the next play. He continued his on-the-field instruction as quickly as he could. By the time the yards were marched off and the ball was marked, we were ready. The snap went back to the QB, who looked left, and then threw right . . . . throwing it to the center who snapped the ball. Everyone on the Rams; players and parents, screamed "Illegal! Illegal! He's a lineman! He can't go out for a pass!" But Gitschier knew better. In this formation, the center was lined up at the end of the line, making him an "end." He was eligible. He caught the pass for a touchdown. Gitschier was so angry with himself for never having taught us to defend that play and formation.
I learned this play when I was 11. Ask any high school player and they wouldn't know it . . . . and most high school coaches wouldn't either.
It was the only touchdown they scored. We won 14-6.

And that's why I was rooting for Louisville.

Oh, and one more thing. When Johnny Unitas was inducted into the professional Football Hall of Fame, whom did he select to make the presentation? His college QB coach, Frank Gitschier.

Sorry. I didn't mean to go on for so long about that.

There are yoga classes being offered in the building that a lot of the staff attend on Friday. I don't go. I picture it as a lot of sitting and stretching and saying "Om". But I've heard it's exhausting. Some even complain that they get too sweaty during the "workout" and feel uncomfortable during the day. From yoga? Am I missing something? I'm tempted to go to a class, but I don't want buy leotards.