It’s one of the highlights of the year; it’s the Late Show’s NEW HALLOWEEN COSTUMES.

1. Political buffs and sportsmen can guess the identity of this unfortunate character:
It’s THE OLD GUY SHOT BY DICK CHENEY
Treat: Ace Pocket Comb

2. Any frequent flier will recognize this spooky group:
It’s ITEMS CONFISCATED BY AIRPORT SECURITY
Treat: Some Canadian coins

3. He’s the suave host of one of the hottest game shows on television. Yes, what kid doesn’t dream of being: HOWIE MANDEL
Treat: an autographed photo of Alan Kalter

4. Frightening. Ominous. Creepy. These are just some of the words commonly used to describe this costume: It’s THE THING THE DOCTOR USES TO CHECK YOUR EARS
Treat: an assortment of dead batteries

5. Here’s a costume that chillingly underscores the perils of the information age:
It’s a DEFECTIVE DELL LAPTOP
Treat: The essential Barbra Streisand CD

6. It’s a threat to us all when it’s in the hands of Iran or North Korea, but when it shows up on your porch, it’s adorable:
It’s ENRICHED URANIUM
Treat: Crest White strips

7. You’ll recognize this perplexing mish-mash of memorabilia if you dine out at family restaurants: It’s A WALL AT T.G.I. FRIDAYS
Treat: Bill O’Reilly’s book, “Culture Warrior”

8. This timely costume recreates one of the few memorable aspects of the 2006 World Series. It’s TIGERS PITCHER KENNY ROGERS
Treat: a beard trimmer

9. I don’t understand anything about the show, but I do know this: kids across the country have been clamoring to be:
It’s THE FAT GUY FROM “LOST”
Treat: Donald Trump’s cologne

10. It’s not exactly scary, but it is kind of disgusting: It’s the FOIL COVER FROM YOGURT CONTAINER
Treat: Yankee and Met World Series Tickets

And that was New Halloween Costumes, 2006..

I lost a bet during the New Halloween Costumes. For the last costume – the Foil Cover From the Yogurt Container – the kid came out with the Dannon Yogurt label facing the audience. As soon as she made her entrance, you knew what the costume was. She then turned around and we saw the white gunk on the underside of the label. Not funny, since we already knew what the costume was. We were supposed to laugh at the white gunk. My suggestion was for the kid to come out with the white gunk side towards the audience. This way, the audience is saying “What is it? What is it? What is it?” And the joke is revealed when Dave says, “It’s the foil cover from a yogurt container.” I lost the bet, even though I think I was still right. I think the final costume would have gotten a bigger laugh had it been done my way. I suggested it, but as with most of my suggestions, they didn’t hear me. They only saw my mouth going up and down and when my mouth stopped, they said, “Yeah, OK.” Oh well.

My girls weren’t in this year’s New Halloween Costumes. They didn’t want to do it. New Halloween Costumes was done on Halloween. They would rather go trick-or-treating with their friends. I’m so proud of them.

Before the show, a woman in the audience asked what Harry was being for Halloween. Dave just so happened to have a photo of Harry on this Halloween. It’s Harry as a blue kitty cat. And while enjoying the close up of the photo, Dave examines his cuticle and wonders, “Paul, does that look infected to you?”

It’s in all the trades . . . the week of November 13th through the 17th is LATE SHOW Impressionist Week. Ventriloquist Week was so successful, we have expanded it to a whole week of Impressionist. Confirmed so far:
Monday, November 13: Rich Little.
Tuesday, November 14: Fred Travalena
Wednesday, November 15: Frank Caliendo
Thursday, November 16: open date
Friday, November 17: Kevin Pollak.

We are working had to book Vegas headliner, Danny Gans, but as time goes on, we seem to be getting farther apart. Whenever we get him on the phone, he hangs up. Dave thinks all that’s needed is a little coaxing.

And now it’s time for Great Moments in Presidential Speeches.
We see FDR.
We see JFK.
We see George W. Bush: “I also wanted to tell a story, and here’s the story. My Dad, like many of your rel . . . folks . . . got relatives here. Many of you who have relatives who did the same thing . . . you’re here . . . . your relatives aren’t. . . . “

Sometimes these Presidential Speeches may get to feel a little old, but then we get one like this and it makes it all worthwhile.

TOP TEN: Signs You Had a Bad Halloween
#10. You Trick-or-Treated at Mel Gibson’s house dressed as a Jewish cop.
#8. While everyone’s wives dressed slutty, yours was dressed like Hillary in a pantsuit.
#4. You went to Madonna’s house and she adopted you

RACHEL WEISZ: She’s in The Fountain, opening November 22nd. She’s the mom of a 5-month old. When she was expecting, she promised herself she wouldn’t have one of those houses that was filled with cheap plastic toys for the baby. And now 5 months later . . . the house if filled with cheap plastic toys. And she’s quite happy about it. Dave knows what she is talking about. The same was true in his house. Yes, parents-to-be always think they will be different and above the other parents. And then once the baby comes, all you want is a moment’s peace. And if that means buying a bunch of cheap plastic toys, you buy cheap plastic toys. I always thought I wouldn’t subject my toddlers to endless videos. I wasn’t going to use the TV as a babysitter. This was before Denise and I had children. And then a friend brought over their 18-month-old. He was impossible; crying, whining, cranky. This went of for an hour. Finally they put in a Barney video. The child shut up immediately and remained quiet for an hour. Right then I changed my whole philosophy of child rearing. It’s all about peace . . . quiet . . . . you do whatever it takes.
The mom of the 5-month-old is now engaged. A marriage date yet? Not yet. Is she receiving pressure to be married? She says she isn’t, and any pressure directed at her she easily ignores. Rachel asks if Dave is getting pressured. Dave laughs and answers, “Nooo, . . . at one time, maybe . . . . but now . . . what are they going to do?”
Rachel’s fiancé is a director and directed her for the first time in The Fountain. He had to direct her in some very romantic scenes. One time, she had a love scene with Hugh Jackman. Things weren’t moving along as fast as her fiancé/director wanted and she remembers his yelling, “Take off his pants! Take off his pants!” Things have changed a lot since I was a kid.

DAVID RAKOFF: author of the bestselling and very funny “Don’t Get Too Comfortable.” He can be heard on NPR radio’s “This American Life.” Is David a fan of Halloween and costumes? The holiday is fine for little kids, but asks if there is anything more unsightly than a grown woman at the office working the copier dressed as a Tylenol capsule? For “This American Live”, David went on a 20-day fast which was promised to bring him enlightenment. He says for the first 3 days you feel bad. On the 4th day you feel pretty good . . . . but not quite enlightened. He admits that during the initial transition to the fast, he snuck out to a nearby deli and bought a banana. He took it back home and put it on the kitchen table and stared at it, much like a suicidal would look at a newly purchased handgun. He is proud to report that although he bought the banana, he never ate it. . . . and I thought . . . . “don’t we all do that?” David did do the entire 20-day fast and found himself to be a bit more mellow. Before the fast, if he walked out of his apartment and was nearly run over by a bike messenger, he would scream bloody murder, “You jerk! I hope you get hit by a bus!” After the fast, he would calmly look at the bike messenger and softly say, “You jerk. I hope you get hit by a bus.” (Maybe that’s all he had the energy to do.) He didn’t really get along with his fasting guru. The guru thought David to be a mousy, whiny skeptic. They only communicated via e-mail. Although the guru was said to be friends with the Dalai Lama, David was still able to build a hatred for the man. Being able to generate a hatred for someone who was a friend of the Dalai Lama was not a good sign, thought David. He grew to hate his guru.
“Don’t Get Too Comfortable” – an enjoyable read, now in paperback.

Back from commercial, Dave talks about the difficulty of dieting and needing to lose 5 more pounds. And the biggest obstacle for Dave in his want to lose 5 . . . . is the cookies. He can’t resist the cookies. All the while Dave was telling this story, our announcer Alan Kalter kept trying to interrupt. Finally, Dave gives Alan the stage.
Alan: “Dave, it’s time for Alan Kalter’s ‘This Is Your Life!’ Listen closely, Dave, and tell me if you recognize this voice from the past.”
Audio – male’s voice: “Dave and I had some crazy times back in the day. That guy was up for anything! I remember this one time, Dave says to me, ‘You ever been to Las Vegas?’ Next thing I know, we’re cruising the strip in my LeSabre with two of the most happenin’ showgirls you ever seen.”
Dave is grinning throughout, and then he admits, “No, Alan, I don’t know who that is.”
Alan: “Yeah, I couldn’t place it either. . . . This has been Alan Kalter’s “This Is Your Life!’. Back to you, numb nuts.”

Dave says that whole thing didn’t make any sense.

ACT 5: It’s the kids in their costumes enjoying some pizza in the green room.

MORNINGWOOD: From their CD, “Morningwood,” the costumed Morningwood performed “Easy.”

And that was our show for Tuesday October 31, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Nature vs. Nurture. My one twin daughter wanted to be a bloody dead Yankee, signifying their demise in the first round of the playoffs. She wanted a white, ashen face dripping with blood while wearing a Yankee uniform. In light of the Corey Lidle tragedy, she and I decided that the costume may be taken the wrong way so now she’s simply Derek Jeter. But she really wanted to be bloody. My other twin daughter is a fuzzy bunny.

And now my annual Halloween costume story: last posted in the Wahoo Gazette in the year 2000:

“One Halloween, my mom decided I should be a ghost. I was probably 6-years-old. She cut a hole in a white bedsheet to slip my head through. She then cut eyeholes in a pillow case for the head. She figured if I got hot or needed some air, it would be easier for me to slip off a pillow case instead of a full bedsheet. This made sense to me, too. Anyway, she cut two eye holes in the pillow case. The eye holes were positioned so the pointy corner of the pillow case sat atop my head. She sent me out with my brothers while she manned the home to distribute the candy to the trick-or-treaters. I got some of the strangest looks when knocking on doors. I didn’t know why. When I got home my mother let out a shriek. She realized I looked like the Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan.”

“The girls still don’t quite get the hang of Halloween and Trick-or-Treatin’. Dominique thinks you are supposed to run into the people’s house when they answer the door. Danielle is going through a stage where she is petrified of dogs. So a typical Halloween Trick-or-Treatin’ scene went something like this…. Ding dong – woman answers the door – The lady exclaims, ‘Oh how cute! Two lady bugs!’ Dominique squeezes past the woman and scampers into the house. ‘Hey, where are you going?’ This causes the dog to bark. Bark bark bark goes the dog in the house. Danielle turns and runs screaming toward the busy street.
Me: ‘Domini…. Danielle get back here. Dominique, you can’t go in the house…Danielle, DON’T CROSS THAT STREET! DANIELLE!!!’ I run after Danielle and try to calm her down, which is next to impossible since I have to return to the house to retrieve Dominique. The closer we get to the house, the louder Danielle screams. I go into the house and grab Dominique under my other arm. Now I have two girls wailing. It’s fun. Next year I’m dressing up as a shepherd and bringing along a shepherd’s crook. It’s the only way to handle it.”

Google had the cute Halloween decorations over their Google graphic today. Let’s see what they have for Veterans Day on the 11th.

By the way, I know Borat. He played it straight and so I did too.