Cold Open: In the green room we find Dave and Johnny Dark. Dave is reading the newspaper.
Dave: “I realize there’s a place for diplomacy, but I’m sorry, I wish somebody would do something about this Kim Jong Il.”
Johnny: “Let’s see, a violent lunatic with a bad haircut. Afraid he’s stealing your act?”

It’s America’s Fastest Growing Quiz Sensation, Know Your Current Events.
Tonight we’re going with just one category, the old faithful Know Your Current Events.
First up: Shana of Brandon, South Dakota. She into Christian and Family-friendly video sales.
1. (map of North Korea) “Earlier this week, North Korea became a member of what exclusive club?”
Shana is not sure. She guesses “The U.N.”
Nope. Right answer: “Costco.”

2. (photo of Mel Gibson) “Why did Mel Gibson sit down with Diane Sawyer for an entire hour?”
Answer: “He was too drunk to stand up.”
It’s gift time! Shana gets dinner for two at Whistle Nuts Restaurant.
While the dinner for two envelope is being given to Shana, the entire theater begins to shake. It rumbles for 5 seconds or so, and then stops. Dave receives a message. Not to worry, it’s only North Korea conducting another nuclear bomb test. I “Played the Dave.” And where did North Korea get the nuclear bomb? Costco.>
Dave didn’t say it. I lost at “Play the Dave.”

Next is Brian. He seems a tad nervous. He works at a movie theater. Favorite movie this year? That Pirate movie. What’s playing now? Employee of the Month. Does Brian want to play Know Your Current Events? The nervous Nelly says he’d rather pass.
Huh? Even so, Brian gets a dinner for two at Larry’s Chicken.

Next is Jennifer from Danville, California. She’s a stay-at-home-mom for two wonderful children. She is here in New York celebrating her 10th Anniversary. An impressed Dave walks over to Brian and snatches the dinner-for-two certificate from him and hands it to Jennifer.
3. (photo of world map) “What bomb outraged and disgusted the international community?”
Answer: “The Jessica Simpson movie, Employee of the Month.
4. (photo of Google logo) “This week, Google announced a billion dollar deal to acquire what?”
Answer: “Former Congressman Foley’s creepy e-mails.”
Jennifer receives dinner-for-two at Captain Carl’s Fish and Chowder House.

And that was Know Your Current Events.
Back from commercial, we learn a little bit about Captain Carl’s Fish and Chowder House.
Dave: “By the way, if you’re looking for a great meal, check out ‘Captain Carl’s Fish and Chowder House,’ mention my name a get a free appetizer-size bowl of chips and a pitcher of Sangria.”

Programming Note:
Tomorrow on our show we will have a gentleman named Matt McAllister who will attempt to break a world record. It involves T-shirts, and requires strength and stamina . . . . and there is a chance he may injure himself.

What? Hold on. Dave is receiving a message. We have footage of North Korean nutcase Kim Jong Il. He is in North Korea right now. We take a look. Why, that’s not Kim Jong Il . . . . that’s Marty Allen!

TOP TEN: Signs Barbra Streisand is Nuts – at her sold-out concert the other night at Madison Square Garden, Barbra barked at a heckler, “Shut the ‘GIVL’ up!”
#8. At conclusion of ‘The Way We Were,’ bites off the head of a bat.
#6. Invited Mel Gibson to come over and watch Yentl.
#2. Finally had a nose job . . . to make it bigger!

JON STEWART: I saved the Jon Stewart and Nick Lachey segments for last when writing up today’s Wahoo. And now I find it’s 11:00 AM Thursday morning and I haven’t started either of them yet.
Dave and Jon talk about being a dad. Jon’s 2 ½ year old is on the pacifier and is beginning to verbalize. When he recognizes something while out for a walk, little Stewart will take out his pacifier like a longtime smoker does with a cigarette and say, “Dog” or “Ball.”
Dave remembers trying to get Harry to live without the pacifier. Harry was fine with it but Dave was like a whimpering ninny with nervousness and guilt.
Jon takes pleasure in seeing his little boy expressing joy. As adults, we show our joy with a simple smile. When you’re a little boy, you dance. Sometimes adults should act more like little boys.
Jon also has an 8-month baby girl. How has his son taken to the introduction of a new one in the family? Jon says they haven’t introduced them yet. His son still thinks he’s the only one. Dave has a lot of questions about the new sibling and how the boy has taken to her, which raises Jon’s radar. Is Dave . . . . is there possibly in Dave’s life . . . another . . . .? Dave says, “Take a good look at me. Do you know how old I am?”
Of course you can see Jon Stewart on The Daily Show Monday-Thursday at 11:00 PM on Comedy Central. And this Sunday night at 8:00 on Comedy Central, you can see him host a benefit called Night of Too Many Stars: An Overbooked Benefit for Autism Education. It’s LIVE from the Beacon Theater. If there’s not a Yankee game on Sunday night, I’ll be watching Comedy Central.

NICK LACHEY: He was married to Jessica Simpson. They aren’t married anymore. Being married to Jessica, there is no such thing as a private life. Afterwards, Nick battled the bottle. Luckily, he came out the other side in one piece.

ALAN KALTER’S MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL MINUTE: Alan grabs the microphone and starts singing Fergie’s “London Bridge.”

“All my girls get down on the floor
Back to back, drop it down real low.
I’m such a lady, but I’m dancing like a ho,
Cause you know,
I don’t give a ‘givl’, so here we go!

How come every time you come around,
My London London Bridge wanna go down like
London London London wanna go down like,
London London London, we goin down!” <

ACT 5: “Tonight’s Late Show is brought to you by Larry’s Chicken.
If you’re looking for tasty chicken at an affordable price, think Larry’s Chicken.
Larry’s Chicken: That’s Good Eatin!”

NICK LACHEY: From his CD, “What’s Left Of Me,” Nick Lachey performs “I Can’t Hate You Anymore.”

And that was our show for Wednesday October 11, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

’m flipping through the channels on Sunday looking for a Yankee game. I couldn’t find one but came across the last 3 laps of NASCAR in Talladega. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. is leading with Jimmie Johnson nearly kissing his rear bumper. Behind Jimmie Johnson is Brian Vickers. And behind Vickers are another 35 cars inches from the one in front of them. They are all traveling well over the speed limit. With 3 laps to go, there is no change in the lead. With 2 laps to go, still no change. Johnson has not yet made a move on Earnhardt. And then with 1 lap to go, Jimmie starts to go low in an attempt to pass Earnhardt, Jr. for the win. Meanwhile, Vickers moves in behind Junior to take the space left by Johnson. Vickers drifts a bit to go low just as Johnson drifts back up on the trick. Vickers front bumper taps Jimmie Johnson’s rear bumper. This causes Johnson to slowly spin, which makes his front bumper hit Junior’s rear bumper causing them both to spin out. As they spin, Brian Vickers speeds past for the win. It was one of the few NASCAR finishes I have ever seen. I flipped through the channels again looking for a Yankee game but still could not find one. I went back to the NASCAR. I was curious about the post-race interviews. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. gets out of his car and a microphone and camera are shoved in his face. His reaction? “Hey, that’s racing.” Whoa! Leading the race with one lap to go and you get spun out through no fault of your own and you nonchalantly say, “Hey, that’s racing”? I was pretty impressed . . . and realized I really know nothing about auto racing.
When Brian Vickers got out of his car, he was met with boos by the fans. He explained what happened the best he could without blaming himself. But with these cars going nearly 200 mph and traveling within inches of each other and a simple tap of a bumper could result in a spin-out, it’s hard to blame anybody. This NASCAR is crazy.

After the race, I looked for the Yankee game. Still couldn’t find it.

From the resident mathematician, Wahoo reader Helen Read.

“You wrote:
Dave asks how much information we get from the Administration about world and domestic affairs. If 100% is total disclosure, how much of that trickles out to the media and the public. Woodward says about 1%. Woodward says he was at a dinner some time ago and was seated next to Al Gore. He asked the former Vice President if he wrote a tell-all book about his time in the White House, how much more would we learn than what is already known. Gore says maybe another 1%. That makes me feel good, because I know nothing and I figure even the smartest guy outside the Administration only knows 1% more than I do.

”Sorry to break it to you, but if you know 1% of everything that could be known, and Al Gore knows one percentage point more (i.e., he knows 2% of everything that could be known) then he knows twice as much as you do. “

Here’s something that came to me this morning while at work. When I eat something at 7:00 AM when I wake up, I’m starving by 11:00 AM. When I don’t eat anything when I wake up, I’m fine all day.

Remember “Who Asked For It?” the other day? I got this from New Zealand Wahoo reader, Matthew Louwrens:

“Last night, I was watching Who Asked For It when Rebecca asked whether Dave ever plugs products. Dave said No, she sat down, and then Matt McClusky came to ask his question. I thought ‘Wait a minute, where's the joke?’”

The New Zealander continued:

“I thought ‘Wait a minute, where's the joke?’ Thanks to the Wahoo Gazette, I now know that we in New Zealand had a joke cigarette ad cut out of the show, because you're not allowed to advertise cigarettes on TV in New Zealand. Apparently those of us that are watching TV at 11pm are children that are susceptible to become horrible chain smokers just because we are exposed to one clearly-joking cigarette ad. (Sigh.)”

Next, New Zealand will be cutting out all of our trans-fat jokes.