Those blasted copiers organized again. Within a matter of 5 minutes just before the taping of the show, the copier on 12, 14, and in the shack was busted. They got some sort of system going on that I can’t quite figure out yet. When one copier goes down, you can be sure the others will soon follow. I was busy trying to fix the one in the shack during the show. The shack is where I watch the show and where very-last-second changes are made and distributed. I missed most of what was said and done during Monday’s show. I’ll try my best here to fill in the blanks.

Dave came out for his warmup before the show all excited about tonight’s program. Dave was really looking forward to a boffo performance. He felt it had the potential to be tremendous. And then a gentleman from the audience during the pre-show Q&A asked a question that threw Dave off his game. The guy in a gravelly voice asked, “Hey, what’s the origin of that ‘Here kitty, kitty, kitty . . .’?”

First, New York City Mayor Bloomberg put a stop to smoking in restaurants. And now he’s trying to put a stop to trans-fats in our food. And now he and the Health Department . . . . who knew the city had a Health Department . . . now he and the Health Department have made another change. Dave holds up one of those Heimlich Maneuver charts you see in restaurants. From now on, the choking guy in the Heimlich maneuver charts will be Alex Rodriguez.

As Dave is about to continue with his next point of business, he is interrupted by a news weather guys.
Weathercaster: “Good one, Dave. Hey everybody, is rain gonna put a damper on your morning commute? I’ll have that and my five-day forecast coming up in the weather. Plus, my comprehensive fall foliage report will tell you the best places to check out those dazzling fall colors. Now back to you.”

Huh? Dave asks Paul, “Who was that?” Paul says he has no idea.

But who was that really? It was Scot Haney of WFSB-Channel 3, Hartford!
My forecast: There’s a 50% chance of 2 T’s in Scot Haney this week.

As you’ve all heard, North Korea conducted an underground nuclear test. No videotape exists of the test, but we’ve put together a simulation. Dave asks our cue card master, Tony Mendez for assistance.
Tony walks in front of the camera with a crude pencil-drawing of a North Korean mountainous landscape. Ominous music builds. Suddenly, Tony cries out, “Ka-BOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!” Tony returns to his place under the camera.
Dave thanks Tony for that fine piece of work.

And now that North Korea has conducted its nuclear test, Kim Jong Il has become a major player on the international stage. We thought this would be a good time to get to know him a little bit better. It’s something we call, “Get To Know Kim Jong Il.”
Announcer: “Though he professes a hatred for all things American, Kim Jong Il begins each day with a delicious blueberry Pop Tart.
This has been ‘Get To Know Kim Jong Il.’”

Hmmmm, there’s nothing better than a blueberry Pop Tart. Perhaps that is the common ground we’ve been searching for to begin the needed dialogue with the demigod.

With the successful test over the weekend, North Korea now joins the community of nations with nuclear weapons. It’s an exciting time for North Korea. We take a look.
Announcer: “North Korea’s nuclear test has changed the balance of power. The secretive communist state now belongs to the elite group of nations known as the ‘Nuclear Club.’ And now, simply by showing your Nuclear Club membership card, you’re entitled to 10% off at Filene’s Basement! That’s in addition to our amazing everyday discounts on brand name and designer fashions for men and women! Filene’s Basement and the Nuclear Club . . . . where bargains are born.”

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see President George W. Bush: “I thank you all and the people of this community for . . . . uhhh . . . . for . . . . uhh . . . . for this . . . . uhhhh . . . .”

TOP TEN NEW YORK YANKEES EXCUSES
#10. Wanted Columbus Day off to get to all the sales.
#8. We’ve already missed the first three episodes of ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ . . . enough is enough.

ROBIN WILLIAMS: Robin’s been in the news lately for his visit to rehab. What made him go? Says Robin, “I was violating my standards faster than I could lower them.” Did he say that last night on the show? I don’t know, but I read it someplace and it made me laugh. How was rehab? Robin says going to rehab in the middle of wine country may not be the best place.
The Mel Gibson thing was a blessing for Robin since it took away all the attention on him. All eyes and ears were on Mel. Mel had the misfortune of being stopped by the only Jewish highway patrolman in California. Has Robin spoken to Mel? Not yet. Robin hasn’t received any messages from Mel, but that may be because Robin has Jewish agents.
Dave goes in to Robin’s history of drinking. Robin says he stopped for 20 years and then started again a few years back. Slowly, his controlled drinking took control of him. He voluntarily entered rehab. What goes on at rehab? Well, there’s no drinking followed by lots of activities. One thing that he found unsettling . . . . there were a lot of doctors at rehab. I can just picture doctors during surgery checking out their patient’s liver . . . . “Hmmm, looks to be in good shape. Better make a note of that.”
What does Robin make of this Congressman Foley ordeal? I missed what he said but it sparked this thought – and it’s probably what Robin said:
“You’re hearing two things now, ‘Get our boys out of Iraq’ and ‘Get our boys out of our congressmen!’”
Ooooh, maybe Robin didn’t say that. It’s a bit harsh. Robin does a couple impersonations, doing a fine Penny Marshall, Christopher Walken and Arnold Schwarzenegger. And he tells a story about breaking Robert Deniro’s nose. Robin Williams’ new film, “Man of the Year” opens Friday. It’s on my list.

JOHN “J.P.” CALDERON
- 31 years old; single; lives in Long Beach, California.
- A professional beach-volleyball player
- His tribemates described him as “bossy and arrogant”
- J.P.’s feelings: “You definitely can’t trust anybody in this game.”

Can you make a living as a professional beach- volleyball player? No. Dave and J.P. have something in common. Neither is making money as a professional beach-volleyball player.
How was J.P. selected to play Survivor? He said he was having breakfast in Hollywood and a woman came up to him and said “I’ve been watching you for 20 minutes. Do you want to be in the next ‘Survivor’?” He said yes, although it probably disappointed his beach-volleyball team.
The biggest problem on Survivor island? “Lots of chafing.” Chafing? But he’s a beach-volleyball player! Is there any sport in the world with more chafing than beach-volleyball? Chafing is why I don’t play beach-volleyball!

ACT 5: It’s Alan Kalter engrossed in a trashy romance novel.

SAM MOORE – with special guest Wynonna. From Sam Moore’s new CD, “Overnight Sensational,” Sam Moore and Wynonna performed “I Can’t Stand the Rain.”

And that was our show for Monday, October 9, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

First thing I do on Tuesday will be to tune in to the local radio station, 1010-WINS. I wonder if they have any kind of celebration on October 10th, 10/10?

Ray Liotta’s Smith is the first new show to be voted off the island. To those who bet on Smith, congratulations.

North Korea conducted a nuclear test this weekend. The mushroom cloud matched Kim Jong Il’s mushroom hair. I wrote the above Monday morning. And then during the monologue, I heard Dave tell the same joke.

Oh my Yankees my Yankee my Yankees. What happened? I've got lots of theories, though none that could be proven true. The turning point in the whole series was the first inning in game 2. Yankee manager Joe Torre drops A-Rod to 6th in the order. Of course what happens in the bottom of the first inning? A-Rod gets up with two outs and the bases loaded. . . . and he strikes out looking. Everything changed after that.
Game 3 on Friday night I had family over. I tried to watch the game when I could but I was busy most of the night. Kenny Rogers pitched a brilliant game against the Yankees but another big part of this game involved A-Rod which NOBODY has talked about. In fact, I addressed this somewhat last week when I talked about the hook slide. Tiger catcher Ivan Rodriguez attempts to go from first to third on a hit. The throw from the outfield is going to be close. A-Rod gets the relay and attempts to tag I-Rod. I-Rod is called safe. The announcer points out that A-Rod tagged I-Rod on the thigh and chest but I-Rod had touched the base before the tag. Nobody criticized A-Rod's tag, at least from what I could tell. I didn't read about it and as I said before, I was kind of busy during the game but from what I saw and heard, nothing was mentioned about the tag. If A-Rod had placed his mitt in front of the bag after getting the ball, I-Rod would have slid into it and would have been called out. Instead, A-Rod reached for I-Rod. When he reached, he was reaching 3 feet in front of 3rd base. I-Rod was able to touch third base before the tag was made. Bad tag by the professional third baseman.
Now it's time to toot my horn. I was a catcher in Little League. I didn't have much of an arm so when I went out for the 7th and 8th grade baseball team, I decided to try out for 2nd base. I made the team. My first game a guy tries to steal 2nd. I cover. I catch the ball and reach to tag the runner. He slides under my tag. The ump calls him safe. I am mad as heck. He should have been out. The umpire whispers to me later in the game that I should tag the front of the base and let the runner slide himself out. I shouldn't try to reach for the player. I curse the ump under my breath but later when I was able to think about it, it made sense to me. Jump ahead 10 years. I am playing softball. I'm the 3rd baseman. A guy hits a single off the 2nd baseman's glove. The 2nd baseman and shortstop chase after the ball. No one is covering 2nd base. The very wise batter notices that 2nd base is open and tries to stretch the single into a double. I run to cover 2nd base. Our centerfielder gets the ball and throws it to me. As the ball is on the way, I think back to that play in 7th grade. I catch the ball on the run and without looking at the runner, I dive to the front of 2nd base with my glovehand. My mitt and the batter reach the base at the same time, my mitt getting there a fraction of a second before the runner. The runner slides into my mitt and he is out. I was taught that 10 years earlier and remembered it the next time that situation came up. But A-Rod, who has been playing the game every day since he's been 8, didn't know how to make a tag. I-Rod eventually scored, and so did another guy after him. Yankees are losing Game 3 by the score 3-0 instead of 1-0. Would it have made a difference? Who knows.
And then game 4; last inning, Yankees losing 8-3. Robinson Cano is up. I'm hoping hoping hoping he gets on, just so A-Rod could make the last out. Unfortunately, Cano grounded out. The entire state of Michigan and most of Americas is jubilant that Robinson Cano grounded out, and very quietly, so is Alex Rodriguez.

What does Joe Torre think of the Tigers? “They’re Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreat!”

And when was the last time you saw a baseball team carry their manager on their shoulders off the field like the Tigers did with their manager Jim Leyland? I've never seen it before and I almost didn't see it again. Just as Leyland was getting up on the team's shoulders, we got a shot of the Detroit fans in the stands. I usually scream at the TV at times like this, but it's become all too common. I now expect it.
And who was hoisting the manager on his shoulders? I couldn't tell who the one guy was, but the other guy was Tigers pitcher, Kenny Rogers. I'm yelling, "NO NO NO, Kenny!" The Tigers have 8 more games to win and there is their ace putting 170 pounds on his shoulder. Let someone else do that, Kenny! I was at a Yankee game 20 years ago. A Yankee player gets hurt on the field and is carried off on a stretcher. Who was carrying the stretcher? Yankee DH Ron Kittle. I mention to the stranger next to me at the time, "Kittle shouldn't be carrying the stretcher. He could hurt himself." The next day I read where Ron Kittle has to miss a few games because of a pinched nerve in his neck. . . . from carrying the stretcher. I remember asking myself, “Why does a kid who drinks too much know that Kittle shouldn’t have been carrying the stretcher when no one else did?” I’m waiting to hear about Kenny Rogers. Pro athletes are great physical specimens, but make them do something they aren't accustomed to and their finely-tuned muscles get all out of whack. Kenny Rogers shouldn't have been lugging Leyland on his shoulders, and if I were a member of the Detroit staff I would have told Kenny to get lost and would have taken his place.