LATE SHOW OCTOBER PREVIEW: It's the beginning of October and we have so much planned this month. So much in fact, that we put together this "Late Show October Preview." We watch.
Music; fancy graphics; more music; more fancy graphics. And that's it . . . . that's all we have so far. October just started.

This is crazy. Dave just read about it in the news. A company based in California is manufacturing wigs for babies . . . and not just plain wigs, but celebrity wigs for babies. We take a look at the zany idea in this commercial.
Announcer:

"Are you tired of your baby's humdrum look? Then call "Baby Toupee!" We have an extensive line of celebrity wigs to make your little on go from drab to fab. Be sure to check out our most popular styles, such as: The 'Trump.' ( baby with Trump wig)
There's the 'Dave.' (baby with Dave wig)
And the 'Cheney.' (bald baby)
Baby Toupee. Making babies look hideous is job one."

Charlie Sheen's new contract makes him the highest paid star of a half-hour comedy. He's now making $350,000 per episode. That's the reason for this paid announcement.
Announcer:

"Thanks to his $350,000 per episode contract, Charlie Sheen is now the highest paid star of a half-hour television comedy. We couldn't be happier for Charlie because his now rosy financial outlook means we will be able to stay in business for years to come." (photo of two whores) "Paid for by whores."

There's a class of 3rd graders in Newburgh, New York. Occasionally they will send drawings with cute little thoughts on various topics. Tonight we have some form Ms. Patrick's 3rd grade at Woodrow Wilson Elementary School, who wrote "I LOVE FALL BECAUSE . . .". We take a look at a few.
-Danny: "I love fall because my fat parents sweat less.
-Ken: "I love fall because dry leaves burn easily"
-Katie: "I love fall because it's fun to get woozy from my new school supplies."
-Phil: "I love fall because it means rake-fighting with my dad."
-Connor: "I love fall because wearing big, warm clothing makes it easier to steal from Wal-Mart."
-Tommy R: "I love fall because I get to kill the Thanksgiving turkey with my bare hands."
-Caitlyn: "I love fall because I can take lots of holidays from school pretending to be Jewish."
-Toby: "I love fall because I enjoy watching things die."
-Mitch: "I love fall because there's a new batch of sissy kids to bully on the playground."
-Gus: "I love fall because I can take the money I earn raking leaves and spend it on lottery tickets."
-Joel: "I love fall because earlier sunset means more darkness for real gang fun."
-Mike: "I love fall because dad watches 'Desperate Houeswives' and then wonders how he got stuck with a hag like mom."
-Kenny: "I love fall because I get to make fun of my teacher's lazy eye"
-Dave skips this one . . .
-Anthony: "I love fall because Terrell Owens does crazy things."

At least I think Dave skipped one. The one he skipped:
Ricky: "I love fall because I don't have to shave dad's back."

And that was Ms. Patrick's 3rd grade class in Woodrow Wilson Elementary School.

WILL IT FLOAT?: Tonight's item: a brand new Swiffer Sweeper, still in the box.
Dave: Float
Paul: Float
It floats. Too easy, Dave laments. We need to play again. We scurry to find another item. I've suggested many times that we should always have 2 items ready to go for Will It Float. Everybody thinks it's a good idea. For the next three minutes, people were in a mad search to find another item to toss into the Will It Float tank. During the frantic search, many people could be heard saying, "We should always have a back-up item for Will It Float."
Next week we'll have one item for Will It Float.

TOP TEN: Ways to Make the Major League Baseball Playoffs More Exciting
#8. No metal detectors at Detroit home games. (I didn't like this one, but I laughed anyway)
#5. Use the frozen head of Ted Williams for infield practice
#4. Between innings, blindfolded fans try to jab a needle in Barry Bonds' ass.

WILL IT FLOAT: PART DEUX:
Item: a gallon of anti-freeze.
Dave: Float
Paul: Float
It sinks.

AMY SEDARIS: Dear, sweet Amy. She's been busy trying to have a baby but so far, no luck. It's an exhausting venture.
As you know, Amy's imaginary boyfriend Rickey had been brutally murdered. She still sees him around the apartment in ghost-form, mostly during the holidays. He used to do all the bills and everything . . . she is lost without him. She can't find anything since he's gone.
Amy has just finished her book, "I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence." It's very entertaining. Her friends are now always asking, "So what are you working on now?" Amy's decided to simply tell them, "I'm trying to get pregnant." That seems to shut them up. Sounds good. I think I'll try that. And speaking of getting pregnant, Amy's learned a new term. It describes women who like to wear tops that show off their bare stomach, even though they are too fat to wear them. They call them "muffin tops," because they have a roll of flab hanging over their pants.

And how is her pet rabbit, Dusty? She's fine, but she had a bit of the gas last night. To medicate the bunny, she had to squirt some medicine from a syringe into its mouth. Gas for a rabbit can be very harmful, so although the chore of medicating wasn't a pleasurable one, it had to be done.
When Amy first decided to get into show business, she would go to auditions for acting jobs. Instead of using a traditional monologue from Shakespeare or something, she would read excerpts from the women's health book, "Our Bodies, Ourselves." She never got hired from this, but always had casting directors coming up to her and laughing, "Oh, my god, I saw your audition tape at a party last night. . . ."

Amy's new book, "I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence" comes out October 16th. Be sure to check out the secret poster on the backside of the actual cover. It's a very revealing Amy Sedaris. "Sex sells!" And check out the photo of Amy in her pantyhose.
To finish up, Amy and Dave glue googly eyes on some peanuts. I think every guest segment should end this way.

PAT FARMER'S WHAT THEY MAIGHT HAVE SOUNDED LIKE - Tonight we have another installment of a segment that's proved to be very popular with history buffs. It stars one of our stagehands, and it's called "Pat Farmer's What They Might Have Sounded Like."
Pat: "Prior to the invention of the phonograph, there was no way to record the voices of great historical figures We can only make conjectures as to what they sounded like, which is what I'm going to do tonight in the case of Benjamin Franklin."
Cut to photo of Benjamin Franklin: In Pat's normal voice, he speaks in the manner he believes Ben Franklin would have sounded like:
"Hey, guys, it's me, Ben Franklin. I'm one of the founding fathers, you know what I'm saying? Anyway, I gotta go. Have a good one."
Back to Pat, who explains, "Sadly, we'll never know for sure."

ACT 5: It's a recent clip from the "Live with Regis and Kelly" show. The successful duo is talking about the Late Show and, specifically, announcer Alan Kalter. They love the show, but aren't sure about Alan. Let me take that back; they love the show but they HATE Alan Kalter. That they are sure of. We go back to Alan at his perch and he's not happy with what he just saw. He gets up and storms out of the theater. He makes it to the ABC building in the West 60s in no time. He asks the receptionist what floor he can find Regis. She directs the angry Alan to the proper floor. Alan arrives at the door of Regis. Regis answers.
Alan: "I heard what you said about me, and I don't appreciate it." Alan's fist tightens. He takes a vicious swing at the morning talk show host. But Regis grew up on the streets of New York. He knows how to handle himself. He catches the flying fist of Alan in his bare hand. That's right, Regis palms the right hook delivered by Alan. Alan is stunned. Before Alan can access what is happening, Regis delivers his own killer punch to the Late Show red head. Alan slumps back against the wall and slowly drops to the floor. The raging Regis snarls at the denounced announcer, "Die, red head! Die!"

TREY ANASTASIO: From his new CD, "Bar 17", Trey Anastasio performed the very enjoyable "Dragonfly."

And that was our show for Friday, October 6, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Quite a show. Good luck trying to figure it out.

I'm driving to work this morning and this came to me: If Albert Einstein were bald, we would probably have a cure for it today.

And then I was making copies at the copier and I came up with this: Do kids wear paperclips as earrings? You know the kids I mean; the ones who wear black and sit in the corner of the cafeteria. Clip 3 paperclips together and you have a nice dangler. . . . and it's cheap. It would work for me.

E-Bay Auction: The bat A-Rod's used in the in the playoffs against the Detroit Tigers. Perfect condition. There's not a mark on it.

Advertising usually doesn't appeal to me. In fact, I think it has the opposite affect than what the advertiser wants. A commercial won't convince me to buy something, but it will convince me NOT to buy something. I'm watching some newscast bloopers on the AOL website the other day. They've got 20 or 30 of them and I found it an enjoyable way to kill time. I sat and watched one, then two, then another newscast blooper. I clicked on for the next one but first I had to sit through a 30-second Netflix commercial. OK, fine. Netflix is a way to order movies through the mail and then they send it to you in one business day. Order whatever movie you want; keep it as long as you want. I'm somewhat familiar with the product and if I watched a lot of movies, this might be a product I would consider. I watch a couple more newscast bloopers on the AOL, and then another Netflix commercial comes on. I sit through the same Netflix commercial as I did before. I watch 3 more news bloopers, followed by the same Netflix commercial. 3 more newscast bloopers, and then again the Netflix commercial. By this time, I think to myself, if I had once considered purchasing the Netflix, I no longer would have that feeling. Every time the Netflix commercial came on my AOL, the angrier I got at the product. Stubborn me, no matter how good the product may be, I would not buy it. It got me too angry for all its interruptions.
Am I the only one who feels that way?
And then last Sunday during the football games, Volkwagen had some commercials that supposedly were meant to appeal to the football viewer. The commercials were so stupid I found myself not wanting a Volkswagen no matter how good the car . . . and I like Volkswagens. But this might just be me. I walked up to the local tavern during the late football game. The Volkswagen commercial came on. Those at the bar thought it was hysterical.

I hate it when I bunk my head. My bald head bleeds and then scabs up for everyone to see for a couple weeks. People giggle when they see the scab, picturing the bumping of my head and my anger that ensued. People get a kick out of that. Well, my most recent scab just fell off my noggin' and is now undetectable. Happy day. But today, as if on cue, the shelf holding the keyboard to my home computer just fell. I'll be under the computer desk tonight fixing the cheap drawer on my expensive put-it-together-yourself piece of furniture. And I'm sure that during this 15-minute job that will take me an hour-and-a-half I will bunk my head and draw blood. A scab will follow. Maybe I'll wear a helmet.

Of course I'm rooting for the Yankees, but I can certainly appreciate what the Detroit Tigers have done this year. It wouldn't kill me to see the Tigers make it to the World Series. They were my 2nd favorite American League team from '82-84. I loved their stadium; I loved their history; I loved their uniforms and I loved the direction the team was headed back then, culminating in the 5-game World Series championship vs. the San Diego Padres.

Hey, Fab Faux fans - new on their schedule:
October 14th: Cleveland Allen Theater
ALSO IN OCTOBER:
October 22nd QUEENS NY Queens College
October 28th ALBANY NY Palace Theatre
November 4 - SUNY Purchase PepsiCo Theatre
November 25th - State Theatre New Brunswick NJ

HEY! I just heard that we have 2 items ready to go for Will It Float next week! I'll let you know how long this preventive measure lasts.