We have a new lineup tonight. Filling in for Paul Shaffer on keyboards, it's Jeff Kazee. Check out more about Jeff Kazee at his website:
http://www.kazeemusic.com/
Leading the CBS orchestra will be Anton Fig.
In for Alan Kalter is Mary Barclay.
And filling in for Barbara Gaines is Nancy Agostini.

Dave feels like he's doing someone else's show.

Dave has been working hard at embracing his fellow man. He admits it is not easy to do. This weekend he met a flight attendant named "Kimberly." She is one of those pathologically cheerful people. Well, Harry had these stickers which he wanted to share with "Kimberly." The ever cheerful gal says to Harry, "Would it be OK if I write my name on my sticker?" She then adds, "I think I'll write my nickname on my sticker. . . . Zelda." Dave says it was a long miserable flight.
And then for the rest of the flight, Zelda would come up to her son and say, "Can you say 'Kitty'?"

Did you see the Cowboys/Titans football game yesterday? One of the Titans stomped on the helmet-less head of a Cowboy.
Announcer:

"In yesterday's Cowboys/Titans game, Albert Haynesworth stomped on the face of a defenseless Cowboy. Haynesworth is sorry for his actions and would like to explain why he did it . . . . he was tripping on some crazy pills given to him by the Cowboys Terrell Owens. Titans Fever --- Catch it!"

Bob Woodward's much-anticipated book about the Bush Administration's failures in Iraq, "State of Denial", was published today. The book is especially harsh on Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. As a public service, we let you listen to the entire chapter on Secretary Rumsfeld from the audiobook.
Audiobook reading: "Chapter 12: Donald Rumsfeld is an a**hole."

I had a feeling this next piece would make a reappearance. It's something we call, "Larry King is Creepier in Slow Motion."
We see Larry at 60% speed: "Clay Aiken is our guest --- his CD is going through the roof."
I like these.

Dave is suddenly interrupted by a promo. A graphic of "Jake and the Fatman" appears over Dave.
Announce:

"Tonight on all-new 'Jake and the Fatman': When Jake falls for a hit man's mistress, it's dangerous curves ahead. Can the Fatman save him before it's too late? Find out on 'Jake and the Fatman', only on CBS."

Can you say "kitty"?

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see and hear FDR. We see and hear JFK. We see and hear George W. Bush exclaim, "Corn's good."

RUPERT LEARNS TO BE A BENIHANA CHEF: Our friend Rupert recently went to Benihana's on 56th Street to learn how to become a Benihana chef. The chefs at Benihana put on quite a show right in front of you while they prepare your order. The highlight of the Rupert's schooling was his attempting to flip a slice of pizza into his hat. And it was very impressive how Rupert successfully performed the lemon trick. -tricks scared the heck out of Rupert
-Rupert tries some tricks
-cutting off the tails of the shrimp - Rupert does it with the help of editing
-flipping shrimp tails into the chef hat
-flipping a matzoball into the hat
-flipping a slice of pizza into the hat
-Japanese phrases
-the lemon trick
-exotic spices --- like, salt
-Rupert cooks for some real customers
-Hey! Some Springsteen music to close up the piece

Benihana? In Japanese, it means "Red flower."

PETE ROSE:
- 1963 National League Rookie of the Year
- 1973 - National League Most Valuable Player
- 3-time National League batting champion
- 3-time World Series Champion.
- Most at-bats in the history of the game
- Most games played in Major League baseball history
- Major League record for basehits
- Longest career with a Mo haircut.

CECILIA MANSILLA
-3rd to be voted off the Cook Islands --- 17 remain
- 29 years old
- born and raised in Peru; now lives in Oakland, California
- Occupation: Technology Risk Consultant
- voted off after 9 days on Cook Islands.
Oops! During the interview, Cecilia said she spent 8 days on the Cook Islands. Where did I get "9 days"? I don't know. Let's check it out.
Ahhh, there it is. Right there on the CBS website under "Survivor: Cook Islands." Click on the most recent show's recap and there, the very first line . . . . "On night nine during a tense Tribal Council, Cecilia Mansilla, the 29-year-old Technology Risk Consultant from Oakland, California, leaves the game in a five to three vote."
Well, somebody is wrong.
Rupert: "She's the 3rd castaway to be voted off the Cook Islands, please welcome Cecilia Mansilla." Yowza! She's purty! My guess is the other women on the Island voted her off.
Dave likes her name? Is there a history behind it? She says she's from Peru . . . and that's where the name came from.
Says Dave, "It's interesting that you and your name are from the same place."
What do you do? She used to be a Technology Risk Consultant. Now . . . do you know when you get socks and find that little ticket inside that reads, "Inspected by #5" . . . well, "I'm number 5."
What happened on the Island? Why did you get voted off? Problems?
Says Cecilia: "People were calling me CeCe, and I would say, 'No, my name is Zelda.'"
How long were you on the island? She says, "8 days." DOH!!!
What will she be doing now that she's off the island? "Hopefully I'll be promoted to Inspector #6."
Rupert question: "Was there any hanky-panky going on?"

Says Dave after he says goodbye, "I wish Paul were here so I would have someone to talk to about her."

TOP TEN: Surprises in Bob Woodward's New Book
#7. Bush's plan: to fix this mess by the end of his third term
#4. The nude fold-out of Donald Rumsfeld.

PETE ROSE - Charlie Hustle himself. Says Pete to open, "What's with this 'Mo' stuff?" Dave and Pete jump right into baseball talk and about the Big Red Machine of the mid-70s. The greatest team ever? Pete would like to call it such, but would rather think of the team as the most entertaining. The team had players from all walks of life from various backgrounds who could do it all. Dave runs through some of the names:
Johnny Bench, Joe Morgan, Tony Perez, Davy Concepcion; Tommy Helms, Ken Griffey, and I thought I heard Bobby Tolan. I was very impressed with Bobby Tolan. He introduced me to the ruptured Achilles tendon. His was the first I ever heard. Was the Big Red Machine the best ever? It probably was the best hitting lineup I've seen, but the best team for me was the early-70 Oakland A's. Each member in that starting lineup played in the Majors for years. But we'll talk about that when Sal Bando's a guest.
Pete eyes Dave and asks, "Who has the worst hair; you, me, or Donald Trump?" Dave laughs and says he's just given up. At least Donald has a lot of it. Pete says, "A guy of your stature could go out and buy a new head!" Dave laughs some more and says, "I guess we could all use a little head."
Dave: "I guess we could all use a little head." Ouch.
Does Pete still watch baseball? He says he watches 3 games a day. He watches a day game; he catches all the Cincinnati Reds games, and then he catches a west coast Dodger game.
Who does he like in the playoffs? Pete says to Dave: "Sounds like you're betting on baseball." Pete says he I like the Padres and Minnesota." I'm not sure if he likes them to go to the Series or just likes them in the first round.
Dave: "Do you still wager on baseball games?"
Pete: "I can't. I know too much about the game. It wouldn't be fair."
Dave asks, "You wagered on baseball while a manager. . . ever wager as a player?
"No", Rose says simply.
What is the story about the baseballs he signed, "I'm sorry I bet on baseball - Pete Rose."
Pete says he signed a bunch of balls for a friend of his. It's not unusual for players to write weird stuff on a ball and then sign it. So he signed a bunch of balls for a guy who ran a lot of his autograph signings. The friend gave some to a friend, and then somehow they landed in the hands of a big baseball memorabilia guy. He dies, and then all of his memorabilia went up for auction, including the balls signed by Pete, "I'm sorry I bet on baseball." They were selling for $4,000 a ball. Pete didn't like how the guy's estate was making all this money off Pete and they did nothing to earn it, so Pete decided to sign more baseballs that way and sell it on his own website for $300. Pete admits to having signed a baseball recently, "I'm sorry I shot JFK." People love these balls and Pete simply sells what the customer wants. Did he shoot JFK? Of course not. He wasn't even near Dallas back in '63.
Ever take steroids? "No," says Pete. "If I took steroids I could have gotten 5,000 hits." Dave asks, "If steroids were around at the time you played, or a drug that could help your game, or recover from an injury quicker, or prolong your career . . . you would take it if offered at the time, right?" Pete thinks a moment and says, "Honestly, that's a horse-'djoy' question." Dave laughs and says that's what he's here for.
Pete Rose - people love him; people hate him. Either way, he makes a great guest.

HAROLD LARKIN'S TELEVISION CRITIC'S CORNER:
This fall there are many new shows on television and a lot of changes to existing shows you already love. Here with some astute commentary, take a moment to enjoy Harold Larkin's Television Critic's Corner.
We see Harold sitting in a typical chair you would find in a den. He is watching the Late Show of Dave telling a monologue joke from earlier in the show; something about Terrell Owens overdosing on Matzoballs. Harold's critique? He takes out a gun and shoots out the television.
This has been Harold Larkin's Television Critic's Corner.

ACT 5 - "Okay, it's muffin time! Head on down to the kitchen, open the cupboard and grab yourself a tasty muffin!
Mmmm, muffins.
Remember: enjoy muffins responsibly."

ROY WOOD, JR
-relationships - ever go on a date so bad that she has you drop her off at another dude's house?
-Sleeping pills for suicide? Might as well get the name brand
-Al-Qaeda and the Taliban - gets our government to react
-Airport security took his Skittles
-Black and Latinos - equal rights.
Very funny stuff from Mr. Wood. He'll be appearing at the Improv Comedy Club in Cleveland, Ohio from October 17th through the 19th.

And that was our show for Monday, October 2, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Note to Congressman Mark Foley: Don't blame the alcohol. I drink a lot. I never sent lurid e-mails to 16-year-olds. Pathetic nitwit.

Something I may pitch tomorrow. Did you hear the words of Neil Armstrong when he first stepped on the moon? It's not what we've been told by NASA. There's a little bit more to it. Let's listen closely:
Armstrong, with moon footage: "It's one small step for man . . . one giant leap for mankind . . . . and then catch Craig."

It's Yom Kippur today, the day where those of the Jewish faith atone and the day I put a stopwatch on my morning commute. My goal Monday morning: to break my old record of 24 minutes from my front door to the front door of the Ed Sullivan Theater.
Results: Monday's commute: 27 minutes. I didn't break my old record. Some guy on the Palisades Parkway at the beginning of my trip was only doing 10 mph over the speed limit. He wouldn't move over. It cost me about a minute. Damn, Gentile. And then when I hit the city, I caught a bunch of red lights. You can't really plan for the reds; it's mostly luck. I'm a bit disappointed in my 27 minutes and I'll have to wait another year to try again for a new record. 24 minutes is really hard to beat. Everything has to be going your way, as it was for me back in '99. Man, that was a great morning commute! The lights, the traffic, the parking...smooth the whole way. What a sweet ride that was.

Pete Rose's gambling has done more for baseball than any of his 4,000 hits. He's a constant reminder of the zero-tolerance of gambling in baseball. Major League Baseball would rather 650 players on steroids than rumors of gambling slithering through the league. Once gambling enters the game, it all becomes Professional Wrestling.

From the April 11, 2006 Wahoo Gazette:

"My baseball picks: The year's surprise team of the American League: the Texas Rangers (BUZZ). And the Yankees will not make the playoffs. (BUZZ)
National League surprise team: Milwaukee Brewers (BUZZ). Cubs (BUZZ), Cards (DING), Padres (DING) and the Mets (DING) make the playoffs.

Why I don't bet any more. The Jets are a 9-point underdog. They lead by 4 late in the game. Peyton Manning drives the Colts to a touchdown with 50 seconds remaining. They take the lead by 3 points. It looks like the Colts will win, but those who bet the Jets as the 9-point underdog will win too. The final play of the game is a pass by Jet quarterback Chad Pennington over the middle. It is complete and then a bevy of laterals are attempted to try to shake a Jet player loose for a touchdown, akin to the famous California/Stanford game 20-plus years ago. A couple times it looked like a Jet player was about to break it all the way for a touchdown, but when he was about to be stopped he would lateral to another player. On and on this went. And then the final lateral fell to the ground and was picked up by a Colts player. He had clear sailing to the endzone for a touchdown. All over America gamblers jumped from their seats to scream, either in jubilation or agony. A Colt touchdown would have made the point difference 9 points; the following extra point would have made it ten. The Colts would have beaten the point spread. The happy gambler who bet the Jets would now be a loser. Anyway, the Colts player ran five steps and then inexplicably tripped and fell. Game over; Colts win by 3. The Colt player tripping at that moment had no impact on the game. The Colts won anyway, but millions and millions of dollars were in limbo when the Colts player picked up that lateral.
The only way to bet football is to make your wager and then while the game is being played, go out for a picnic with the family. And don't bring a radio. Once you have made the bet, there is nothing more you can do. Watching a game you've bet on can be torture.

I know a team doesn't kick an extra point when it scores a touchdown in overtime; but does a team kick an extra point if it scores a TD with no time left in regulation?

Lots of local baseball fans made this bet during the season: Who would win more regular season games; the Mets or the Yankees?
And the winner is: It's a tie. Both the Yanks and the Mets finished 97-65.