Dave gives himself a little pick-me-up at the top of the show. Sitting down at the desk, he pours himself a healthy mug of Absolut vodka.

Let's head over to Rupert's. Dave makes some chit chat with Mr. Jee and we learn the most popular candy bar at the Hello Deli is the Kit Kat bars. Snickers is the second favorite. And Milky Ways are a popular treat. Dave wonders, "How much if Phillip Morris giving you to put their product in such a high visibility location?" Every time we go to Rupert's, right behind him we see a big Marlboro sign. Dave asks Rupert to take it down. And then he makes Rupert take down the Camel cigarette sign. That takes some work but it finally comes down. Now that that's out of the way, tonight we're going to play "Would You Care For Some Spinach." Rupert goes to find a contestant.

Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf released a new book today that claims the United States threatened to bomb his country back to the Stone Age. But it looks like the book also has a lighter side. Dave has the audio version of the book. He holds up the book, entitled, "In The Line of Fire." Included in the audio book is a chapter of his favorite "You might be a Pashtun" jokes. We take a listen.
Reader: "If your wife has a longer beard than your goat, you might be a Pashtun." "If your cave has turn signals, you might be a Pashtun."
"If you've ever eaten Ramadan dinner on a ping-pong table, you might be a Pashtun"

Dave is suddenly interrupted with a graphic and announce, "That was a touchdown for comedy!" That was odd.

For a while, we all thought Osama bin Laden was dead from typhoid, but that doesn't appear to be the case. He proved he's alive and well in this brand new videotaped message.
Osama:

"I am here to prove to the world that I have overcome the case of typhoid I contacted in Pakistan, thanks to intense prayer, a belief in our almighty, and Vick VapoRub. Vicks VapoRub medicated vapors begin to work immediately to relieve your cough and is not likely to cause drowsiness or jittery side effects. So take it form your pal, Osama . . . . death to America . . . and to bothersome congestion. We now return you to the Rachael Ray Show."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We see FDR. We see JFK. We see President Bush: "uhhh . . . . ummm . . . . the . . . . uhh . . . the. . ."

Back to Rupert's. With him is Dan Fetter, a bank teller from Lincolnsville, Illlinois. Dave explains the game. Dan will win a big prize if he is willing to eat some of Rupert's spinach. And just in case, we have an EMT team standing by out on 53rd Street. Rupert brings out the plate of spinach. Dave asks Rupert where he got the spinach. Honest Rupert says, "Uhhh, props gave it to me." Okay, time to start. Dan takes a spoonful of spinach. He seems to enjoy it. He takes another spoonful, and then another. The youthful Dan survives the ingestion of the Rupert's spinach he received from props. And then Dave closes it up with, "And that's how we play, 'Would You Care For Some Spinach.'" The audience politely applauds. Dave turns to Paul and says how Dan had no problem eating the spinach. And then off-camera, we hear a man gagging and groaning. We quickly go back to Rupert's to find Dan grabbing at his neck. He is in pain and gagging. Suddenly, blood begins to spurt from his neck. The spurt turns into a gush. Dan falls to the floor, blood splattering up against the glass refrigerator. Oh, the humanity. "But there are no losers on 'Would You Care For Some Spinach.' Girls?" The models enter with Rupert's Hello Deli deli platter. And THAT'S how we play "Would You Care For Some Spinach."
Dave was a bit surprised with Dan's severe reaction to the spinach. He was thinking it might cause just a little fever.

Me? If I ruled the world? I would have had the models enter at the end and all we would see would be Dan and the models from the waist down. They wouldn't crouch. We wouldn't widen. Just the models' legs.

Back from commercial, we see Dan being loaded into the ambulance by the EMT workers. Somewhere, Walter and Jay weep.
Says Dave about Dan; "Apparently it was a problem with that hose attached to him. It wasn't really the spinach.

TOP TEN: Questions to Ask Yourself Before Ordering the Burger King Quad Stacker
The new quad stacker consists of:
-4 beef patties
-4 slices of American Cheese
-8 slices of bacon
-1000 calories
-68 grams of fat
-32 grams of saturated fat
-cost: $3.99

#4. How come there isn't any sausage on this bad boy?
#3. Why is Burger King making me sign a release form?
#2. Should I wait till they come out with the Quint Stacker?

LILY CAPEHART: A 10-year-old girl from South Florida, Lily is known as The Lizard Whisperer. Dave asks if she thinks a lot of her friends at school will be watching the show tonight. Lily answers, "Probably not."
So what does a Lizard Whisperer do? Lily catches lizards, and then hypnotizes them. And then dresses them up. And then poses them. And then takes photos of them. Okay, Step One: Catching the lizard. In south Florida, anole lizards run freely and are easily captured. But how do you hypnotize a lizard?
Step Two: Hypnotize the lizard. You put the lizard on its back in the palm of your hand. You gently stroke the lizard's belly. In seconds, the lizard is hypnotized. Lily said she learned this by watching a show on the Animal Planet when she saw someone put an alligator to sleep that way. Lily tried doing that with a lizard. It worked. The lizard could stay out for up to 30 minutes.
Step 3: Dressing the lizard. While the lizard is tranced, Lily then dresses it up with some small doll clothes. My guess: the clothes are Polly Pockets. Polly Pockets clothes are a sturdy, rubbery sort.
Step 4: Posing the lizard. Once the lizard is dressed, you can pose it any way you want. The Polly Pocket clothes are sturdy enough to make the lizard to appear to be standing.
Step 5: Photograph the lizard. Lily's father is a professional photographer.

Lily grabs a lizard from her little lizard cage. She puts in the palm of her hand and rubs its belly. The lizard is immediately hypnotized. Dave says, "We used to do that to my Aunt Hazel." While the lizard is out, Lily grabs a lovely white flowing gown from her assortment of clothes. She puts the lizard in the white dress. Says Dave, "Boy, will he be surprised . . ." The lizard in the long white dress is placed on the desk. It appears that the lizard is standing upright. Lily then accessorizes the scene by putting a music stand or a mirror in front of the standing lizard. It is a lovely setting.
Dave hypnotizes the next lizard. While that lizard is "out", Lily quickly puts it on a little horse.
She has photos of some of her other creations.
-a lizard riding a speed boat.
-A lizard sitting in front of a dressing room mirror
-A lizard driving a Roll Royce.

Nice job, Lily. Very entertaining.

BILLY BOB THORNTON: Does Billy Bob like snakes? He says snakes are OK. Snakes with legs, no thanks. Billy has a two-year-old daughter. She was a fat baby. When Billy Bob was just a young one, he was already quite a celebrity. He was deemed the fattest baby in Clark County. At 7 months, he was weighing in at 30 pounds. He says he would sit in front of the television set eating a stick of butter like it was a banana. We see a photo of Billy in his infancy. His shins even had dimples. By 4 years old, Billy Bob had slimmed down and has been on the skinny side ever since.
Billy is in the new film, "School For Scoundrels," opening Friday. He runs a school for guys who need to gain confidence in themselves. He's all about the kids releasing their inner lion. But he's not a touchy-feely, c'mon-you-can-do-it-kids type of teacher. He's more of the drill sergeant. Jon Heder, the Napoleon Dynamite kid, becomes his star pupil . . . and then student and teacher collide.

ACT 5: There's our costume designer Sue Hum rubbing Alan Kalter's belly. Alan is in a dreamlike trance. And then a little later, she dressed him up in a Bo Peep costume.

Me? I ruled the world, I would have had Pat Farmer rubbing Alan's belly. The camera would widen to reveal Sue Hum holding a large ornate gown as if ready to dress Alan once Pat is done hypnotizing.

SEAN LENNON: From his soon to be released CD, "Friendly Fire", Sean performed "Dead Meat."

And that was our show for Tuesday, September 26, 2006 Wahoo EXTRA!

Who knew playing with Drew Bledsoe could be so bad.

While stuck in traffic this morning, on the radio came "Down on the Corner" by Creedence Clearwater Revival. I got in to work and googled the song. After 35 years of singing along, I decided it was time I learned the words. (chorus)

"Down on the corner, out in the street,
Willy and the poorboys are playin;
Bring a nickel; tap your feet."

"If you and Dave are mystified by there being a California University of Pennsylvania, he & you might be amused to know we also have Indiana University of Pennsylvania, also known as IUP.
And we're also the proud home of Slippery Rock University."

And I think he may have skipped this one . . . - Yellowstone National Park got its name after Lewis and Clarke took a leak on the same rock

And now I'm up to date.