During the monologue, Johnny Dark enters and measures Dave’s inseam. Says Johnny after the measurement: “Nothing.” He then exits. Paul found this extremely funny. What made it so funny? We forgot to tell Dave that Johnny would do that. In fact, before the show there was no mention of Johnny Dark. Dave getting a tape measure from his ankle up to his woo-ha was a complete surprise. If you’re keeping score at home, you can mark that under “Ooops.”
The first thing Dave thought was that there was some kind of Spaniel between his legs.
It was no Spaniel. It was Johnny Dark. I would rather the Spaniel.
There was no need to mention it, but Dave did anyway: meeting after the show.

Dave grabs a dummy that’s been placed behind the desk. Dave performs a little ventriloquism.
DUMMY: “Hey, lady, how about a little wood.” Next week will be a lot of fun like that.

Al Gore said last weekend that he hasn’t ruled out running for President again. He’s even put out a strange, very odd commercial.
Announcer: “Al Gore may or may not be the leader America needs. We can’t say for sure that he won’t provide the right leadership for difficult times, though you never know. It would be premature to say Al Gore should or should not be the next President, or something else.
Gore for President . . . or not.”

END OF SUMMER BLOW-OUT – Summer officially ends in just a few days, so we decided to say goodbye to the summer in something we call “End-of-Summer Blowout.”

“Maybe it symbolized the fleeting nature of summer, or maybe it’s just fun to bust things. At any rate, we’re going to inflate beach balls until they explode. Boys?”
- Out on 53rd Street we see a quad of stagehands with air compressors attempting to inflate their beach balls until they pop. They get one to explode.

“It’s still warm enough for s to play our favorite summertime prank. For one last time, here’s the LATE SHOW Hose-cam.
- We take a shot from 53rd and Broadway as we douse a guy in a business suit walking on Broadway. It never fails to amuse.

“There were a lot of great movies this summer. Let’s take a moment to relive a Thrilling Moment From A Summer Blockbuster.”
- We see a very ordinary scene from Superman Returns. It wasn’t much of a summer for movies.

We are then interrupted by a guy from the guest entrance.
Guy: (very angry) “Excuse me! Hey! Excuse me!”
Dave: “Can I help you, sir?”
(The guy is the guy who got sprayed by the hose-cam.)
Guy: “I was just walking down the street and you sprayed me with water. I’m on my way to a job interview!”
Dave: “Yes, well, we were just having a little fun.”
Guy: “Having a little fun? Here’s some fun . . .” (to Alan Kalter, giving him the finger) “’GIVL’ YOU! (to Paul, giving him the finger) “’GIVL’ YOU!”
(to Dave, giving a two-finger salute) “And ‘GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVL’ YOU!”
The guy exits.

It was an accident. Geez.

Here’s a spectacular farewell to summer. We’re going to push ten 30-gallon containers of sunblock off the roof down onto the street below. Our stagehand in charge is Tommy O’Brien. With help from others, Tommy and the boys lift the platform and the buckets of sunblock go falling to the ground. There is a nice splatter upon impact.

Can we take another look at the guy trying to explode the beach balls? We take a shot of the outdoors but they are not there. Why not? Because they had to move when we dropped the sunblock.

“And last but not least, it’s almost time to put away the fans people use to help cool off. For the last time this year, let’s enjoy the giant LATE SHOW fan.”
- The scrim rises and we see a huge fan facing the audience. Stagehands stand to the left and right of the fan with barrels of confetti. The fan is turned on. The barrels dumped in front of the fan. I beautiful image of flying confetti fill the stage and flies into the audience. Very nice. And we’ll be finding pieces of confetti around the theater for the next 3 months.

And that was our End of Summer Blow-Out.

Back from commercial, we see a slo-mo replay of the falling and splattering sunblock.

WILL IT FLOAT? Tonight’s item: a 25 pound container of Lubenet grease. Dave goes back and forth between sink and float, float and sink. He finally decides on “sink”. Dave walks over to the "Will It Float?" tank and drops the bucket of grease into the "Will It Float?" tank and it . . . . . . floats!
Dave is wrong. He later admits to being a bit angry for not knowing a bucket of grease would float. The plastic bucket would float. The grease . . . a grease fire floats on water. Float plus float would equal float. Dave admits he didn’t think it through.

Dave picks up the dummy behind him and does some more ventriloquist fun.
Dummy: “Hey, Letterman, you stink!”
Dave: “Cut that out. Now let’s do the song like we rehearsed.”

JOHNNY KNOXVILLE: You know that a guy like Johnny ain’t just gonna walk in when introduced. Instead, Johnny Knoxville swings down from a rope like Tarzan, going over the guest chairs and almost through the windows behind Dave. Very impressive. We take another look at that in slow motion.
Johnny is a dad of a 10-year-old daughter. She likes to hang around when Johnny is filming and she is currently in a battle with the director, Jeff. Johnny and his daughter were a supply store in California and his daughter spots an air horn. She says to daddy Johnny, “That would be good to wake up Jeff with.” Johnny was so proud of her. She had written her first bit. Johnny admits to tearing up a little.
That night, Jeff came by the house. He heard about the suggestion made by Johnny’s daughter. Jeff saw the air horn she purchased and decided to turn the tables. He went upstairs to the sleeping little girl and blared the horn. Ahhh, how comforting.
Johnny’s new film, Jackass: Number 2 opens September 22nd. It’s Johnny and the boys doing a lot of dangerous stunts that could easily kill a guy. He comes up with a lot of ideas by watching cartoons. That’s how he got the idea for this one dangerous performance. We see the clip.
We see Johnny standing in an enclosed arena. He puts on a blindfold. He is smoking a cigarette. And he stands there . . . and he stands there. Suddenly, an 1,800-pound Yak charges and flips Johnny head over heels with a incredibly hard slam. OUCH! Now that’s ridiculous! And protection? Johnny admits to having a protective cup on at the time.
The most dangerous part of this stunt? If my kids were watching, they would say his smoking the cigarette.
Johnny said he got this idea from the “Tom and Jerry” cartoon. I think he got it from the Colt 45 beer commercial. Oh, I’m sorry, the Colt 45 Malt Liquor commercial. Anybody remember that one?

Back from commercial, Dave introduces a friend of the show, the President and CEO of 7-Eleven, Mr. Jim Keyes. Keyes enters and stands centerstage.
JIM KEYES: “Thank you, Dave. Since I appeared on the LATE SHOW on July 11th to announce our big ‘7-11’ promotion, we’ve given away more than $40 million in food, Hummer H-3s, and cold hard cash. And we owe it all to the generosity of that man right there, Mr. David Letterman.”
Applause from audience – big smile and a wave from Dave.
JIM KEYS: “The promotion was scheduled to end today, but people demanded we extend it. And when we heard about the LATE SHOW’s upcoming Ventriloquist Week, we couldn’t resist the opportunity to be involved in this historic television event. So go to any participating 7-Eleven, tell the clerk, ‘Dave sent me’, and you can still win a free Slurpee, Big Bite hot dog, bakery muffin, Hummer H-3, or a million dollars in cash. And if you make any purchase during Ventriloquist Week, you’ll be entered to win a trip for two to the annual Las Vegas Ventriloquist Convention, including airfare, five nights at the Bellagio Hotel, and a one-year subscription to ‘Distant Voices’, the world’s leading ventriloquism magazine.
But don’t thank me, Thank David Letterman. See you all at 7-Eleven.”

A proud Jim Keyes clasps his hands over his shoulder and exits.
Paul asks, “Was that really the President of 7-Eleven?”
Dave says, “Yeah . . . I think so.”

ACT 5: It’s our stagehands still trying to explode beach balls. They’re getting paid for this.

RACHAEL RAY: Her new food show, Rachael Ray premieres this Monday. She’s a very busy lady. She’ll be doing 185 episodes for her new daytime program, in addition to 80 episode of her “30-Minute Meals” show, and 30 more episodes of “Tasty Travels” (from the notes) – that’s 295 shows a year, although I think she said 285. And she finds it a coincidence that she’s on the same show as Johnny Jackass because she’s incorporated some “jackass” maneuvers on her show. She’s cut off a piece of her finger; she’s had her hair catch fire; and she’s cut off a piece of her finger.
How’s the summer? She spent some time at her cabin in the Adirondacks. She bought the cabin to get away from it all. She likes it very quiet, very back-to-nature, and no lawn to tend. Unfortunately, her mom got her hands on it and has turned it into Versailles. It has long winding pathways, lots of green grass, huge urns with big flowery plants. It sounds like a noisy piece of nature.
Her new daytime show starts Monday. Oprah has already taped her appearance. The Rachael Ray show is under the Oprah/Harpo/KingsWorld umbrella. The first show will have Diane Sawyer as a guest. Rachael says eagerly, “Diane Sawyer is a good eater!” Heck, that’s reason enough to watch.

And that was our show for Friday, September 15, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

I was watching TV and a promo for one of the new sitcoms came on. The actor says something and you hear a big laugh from the audience. And something seemed familiar. What was familiar was the laugh I heard from the audience. It’s a laugh I heard before. It made me realize that TV shows must hire professional laughers for their studio audience, sort of like what we do with Bob Zick, but at least we’re up front about it.
Now that TV sitcoms no longer use a laugh track, how are we supposed to know when to laugh? Easy. They hire a professional laugher. And there is this one guy who I have heard on a few shows. I first heard him on Cheers. When Cheers went off the air, I was able to hear the guy on other shows. Listen closely the next time you’re watching a situation comedy on the TV . . . you’ll hear a loud boisterous laugh before you hear anyone else. It works as a cue for the others around him to start laughing. Another tip-off that a professional laugher is being used is when the laugh begins too soon after the punchline. The words are barely out of the actor’s mouth and you’ll hear the “HAR HAR HAR”, followed by the laughter from the studio audience. Listen for it.

Am I making this up? Am I hearing things? Maybe. Anybody out there in TV Land, California know for sure?

I received this e-mail the other day after I described a game I play when watching some of the morning yack-fests on TV. When the camera pans the audience during the opening of The View or Martha or Oprah or Tyra Banks, I try to “Spot the Guy.” There’s usually one or two in every audience but they are not always easy to find. Play it with a friend. First one to “Spot the Guy”, wins.

From Jenny Muscarella of Frisco, Texas:

“Your description of ‘Spot the Guy’ made me laugh because my brother, sister and I used to play a similar game at Dallas Stars games, only this one's called ‘Spot the Stripper’ and it's really easy to play. The first one of us to spot a stripper won. It usually took about 30 seconds after we took our seats at the arena. There were certain telltale signs - the bottle blonde-ness, the certain ‘enhancements,’ and the sleazy-looking date, for example.
Fun times.”

That reminds me of another game I like to play. I call it “Spot the Guy Going To Flashdancers.” I like to watch guys walking up and down the street and try to pick out which ones will go into Flashdancers. From the window of Bob Borden’s office on the 14th floor, you can see the Gentlemen’s Club, Flashdancers. Pick out the guy who goes in to the strip club and you get 10 points. Get it wrong and it will cost you 5. Only one participant can pick a pedestrian. The first one to pick, gets him Everyone has their own method of picking who will go into Flashdancers. This is what I look for.
A guy who is:
- at least 35 pounds overweight
- carrying an attaché case
- balding
- short sleeve button shirt
- wearing a tie
- wristwatch
- carrying his suit jacket

The short-sleeved button shirt while wearing a tie is a dead giveaway.

I have a question: Will the winning tribe on “Survivor: Cook Islands” be known as “The Amazing Race”?

Are you familiar with the tradition of NASA’s waking up astronauts each morning with a song, usually rock and roll song? It’s a different song every day. Well, I was up early Thursday morning and the news showed the cute and amusing moment of NASA wake-up call to the space station or where ever they are. What song did NASA play? “Wipe Out.” Right, “Wipe Out.”
Is that really a good song to play to someone who is traveling at a great rate of speed through space on a dangerous mission? “Wipe Out”?

And then I see a campaign commercial for Bob Menendez who is running for United States Senator of New Jersey. I see the common shots of the politician with his shirt sleeves rolled up, talking to senior citizens, families, and police officers. And then I hear, “And he’s courageous . . . he’s even worn a bullet-proof vest.” I laughed. Sounds like his list of superlatives is pretty limited.

Earlier today at a press conference, President Bush revealed his new plan on getting Osama bin Laden dead:
Natural causes.

Next week’s discussion:
Baseball’s hook slide . . . a thing of beauty. . . . but is it effective?