Following Dave’s last monologue joke, Johnny Dark enters holding a sign. It reads, “Need Mets Tickets.” Johhny stands in hopes of a response. He gets one . . . from Dave . . . “All right, get out of here.”

I’m not sure what I was doing during the show, but I sure wasn’t watching. I think it had something to do with the ACT 5. (The ACT 5 is the short piece we do right before the music or final segment towards the end of the show.) It was scripted for Alan to do a voice-over read in addition to a shot of him on camera. But we also had scripted Alan being taken away earlier in the show. If we didn’t do Alan being taken away, we would go with the original ACT 5. If we did the earlier bit and Alan was taken away, I would do the read and the shot of Alan would be replaced with a photo of Alan. But we also had something planned with Biff during the show. If we did Biff, the ACT 5 would be a simple shot of Biff and a dummy drinking beer in the green room. We wouldn’t know the ACT 5 until we got to it. I was making sure everyone was aware of the options.

Every day brings up closer to next week and the thrilling Ventriloquist Week at the LATE SHOW. The lineup so far:
Monday, September 18: Willie Tyler and Lester.
Tuesday, September 19: Jay Johnson and Darwin
Wednesday, September 20: Ronn Lucas and Scorch
Thursday, September 21: Jeff Dunham, and Walter
Friday, September 22: Todd Oliver and Irving

Dave picks up a dummy he had hidden behind him and offers a glimpse of some of the fun stuff we could expect to see next week. I don’t remember what Dave said, but it went something like,
Dave: “Are you afraid of the dark?”
Dummy: “No.”
Dave: “What are you afraid of?”
Dummy: “Termites.”

And in the excitement of Ventriloquist Week, we’re featuring a segment entitled, “The Fascinating World of Ventriloquism.” We see an old black and white clip of “The Original Amateur Hour.” The host, Ted Mack.
Ted Mack: “How did you get interested in ventriloquism?”
Young Girl, holding a dummy: “Well, I don’t have any brothers or sisters, so I asked my parents if I could buy Jerry.”

WHAT’S ON THE IPOD: We head out over to Rupert’s. Dave and Rupert talk a bit about the New York Jets. Chad Pennington had a big game. Win any money on the Jets? “No.” Rupert didn’t bet this week. But Rupert never bets. It’s illegal. We’re going to play “What’s on the Ipod?” and Dave sends Rupert outside to find a contestant.

The coffee waitress enters with a pot of coffee.
Waitress: “More coffee, hon? I just brewed a fresh pot.” Dave gladly accepts the offer. She pours a cup and as she is about to exit, Dave asks how is the family. She says they’re fine. And the kids? Waitress: “Great. They’re all working.” Hoo boy, I loved that unscripted response. Exactly what you would expect from someone born during the Depression.

Dave picks up the phone. This just in . . . he is receiving word . . . . we have LIVE footage of Paris Hilton . . . in Los Angeles . . . LIVE via satellite . . . Paris Hilton driving home from an audition.
We see a car careening down a highway. The driver loses control hits another vehicle. The car flips and tumbles. Dave receives an immediate update: “She is Okay. She will be fine.”
And I heard she got the part.

Suddenly, our cameraman Dave Dorsett sticks his face directly in front of his camera.
Dorsett: “Hi, honey, I’m probably going to be a little late tonight, but I just want to say I love you and we’ll do something special as soon as I get home, I promise . . . . .” Dorsett lingers for a moment in front of the camera, and then returns to his post. Mr. Letterman asks what that was all about.
Says Dorsett: “I just remembered it’s my anniversary. I’m so screwed.”
Nice job by Dave Dorsett. He had to do the above without cue cards. We did put a small cheat sheet down at the base of the camera, just in case he needed some help. If he had to, he could have looked down as if he was thinking of what to say next. He also had on his headset so the Control Room could have given him a boost if he got stuck.

ABC kicked off its fall season last night with a new show called “Men in Trees.” Dave always enjoys a good romantic comedy, and this one looks particularly interesting.
Announcer: (over a “Men in Trees” promo) “Tonight on ABC, catch the new romantic comedy ‘Men in Trees.’ Anne Heche stars as a successful New York woman hoping to find love in the wild forests of Alaska . . . until she sees what kind of men live in trees. (roll vt of Michael Jackson sitting in a tree) The premiere of ‘Men in Trees,’ tonight on ABC.”

WHAT’S ON THE IPOD: With Rupert, Mariah from Oregon. She just moved from Hawaii. Oooh, how can you leave Hawaii? Dave asks, “Did you live on the Big Island?” Paul laughs at the familiar query. It’s the only question Dave has about Hawaii and he uses it all the time. What did she do in Hawaii? Mariah says she worked at a Starbucks. And she now lives here in New York City. What does she do here? “I work in a Starbucks,” says Mariah. How. . . . how. . . . how can you afford to live in Hawaii and New York City while working at a Starbucks? But Mariah doesn’t really work at Starbucks . . . she’s a manager. (buh dum bum).
How we play the game: Rupert will sing along to a song loaded on this iPod. Mariah will have 30 seconds to determine what the song is.
We put up the clock; Rupert starts singing. After 30 seconds, Mariah says “I think it has something to do with London.” Good enough! It’s “London Bridge” by Fergie. Nice job, Mariah.
Back from commercial, we find Alan being swarmed by a S.W.A.T. team. Guns are pointed at him as he is read his Miranda warnings (Ha! Isn’t TV funny?!) Alan is then dragged off stage as he pleads his innocence. Dave muses, “You just never know what’s going to happen here. Something’s always going wacky.”

ACT 5 update: Since Alan has been taken away, I will be doing the ACT 5 unless we do Biff later in the show.

The coffee waitress returns with a menu for Dave. Dave asks what kind of soup she has. She says the Chicken Rice is good. Oooh, no good. Dave is allergic to rice. Uh oh, no good. “What else do you have?” Dave wonders. The coffee waitress says, “Matzo ball soup.” Dave doesn’t want Matzo ball and decides to go simply with Chicken Soup. The coffee waitress exits.
Pat Farmer of props starts to scurry to get some chicken soup. His chicken rice is pushed to the side.

TOP TEN: Things Never Before Said By A NASCAR Driver.
And here to present tonight’s Top Ten list, the drivers competing in the 2006 “Chase for the Nextel Cup.”
#10. 2004 NASCAR Nextel Cup Rookie of the Year, Kasey Kahne:
“Anyone know how to drive a stick?” #9. 4-time NASCAR Nextel Cup Champion, Jeff Gordon:
“Does this gas taste funny?”
#8. 1994 NASCAR Rookie of the Year, Jeff Burton:
“I don’t care much for country music or beer!”
#7. 5-time IROC champion, Mark Martin:
“Switch the ‘R’ and ‘C’ in “Racing” and you get “Caring.” #6. 2004 Daytona 500 Champion, Dale Earnhardt, Jr.:
“Wow, Letterman looks so young in person.”
#5. 2006 Daytona Budweiser Shootout Champion, Denny Hamlin:
“You’re looking at a guy who can drive 500 miles without taking a leak.”
#4. 2005 NASCAR Nextel Cup Rookie of the Year, Kyle Busch:
"A truly great driver doesn’t mind asking for directions, am I right, ladies?”
#3. Winner of Sunday’s Chevy Rock and Roll 400, Kevin Harvick:
“It would be nice if the guys in the pits occasionally surprised me with a piece of carrot cake or something.”
#2. 2006 Daytona 500 Champion, Jimmie Johnson:
“The Nextel Cup is great, but what I’m really excited about is Late Show Ventriloquist Week.
#1. The current points leader in the “Chase for the Nextel Cup, Matt Kenseth:
“If you think I’m fast in my car, you should see me in the bedroom.”

That was pretty cool, and I don’t even follow the car racing. I have friends who would have loved to be here for this. My biggest thrill with meeting the drivers is they all had easy to pronounce names. It made it easier for Dave, though I think he knows them all anyway.

DWAYNE ‘THE ROCK’ JOHNSON: He’s in the film, Gridiron Gang. It opens Friday. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson no longer goes just with “The Rock.” He’s now, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Eventually he’ll go with Rock Johnson. The former professional wrestler recently suffered a busted Achilles heel. Ouch. The Rock lists the many injuries he’s sustained over his wrestling and college football career but nothing was nearly as painful as a busted Achilles heel. He described the sound of the Achilles heels going bust like the twang of a bass guitar. I waited but the pluck on Will Lee’s guitar never came. I’ve heard the Achilles heel is one of the worst and most painful injuries. Just hearing The Rock talk about it made me cringe. The accompanying video tape of an Achilles heel operation did not bother me at all; it was just talking about it that made me uncomfortable. When I play softball every other year, it is my biggest fear: busting my Achilles heel.
Gridiron Gang opens this Friday – we see a clip. Once again, our film coordinator Rick Scheckman, whom we at the LATE SHOW call “Rick Scheckman,” did a fine job of finding a hilarious phony football clip of “Gridiron Gang”, unbeknownst to The Rock. After the phony clip, we see an actual clip. Gridiron Gang – this Friday at a theater near you.

During the Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson segment, I see Pat Farmer receive a cup of soup. He opens the lid and says, “Damn . . . chicken and vegetable.” I continue on my way wondering if Pat will order up more chicken soup or order up a strainer.

Biff was scheduled to follow “The Rock.” Time was short so we decided to go 2 ACTS with Norm and save Biff for another day, so Biff was crossed off for the ACT 5 and I was in. Now I was concerned that if the show is really long, something would have to be cut out. I sensed Alan being taken away by the S.W.A.T. team might be a clean cut and thought that had a chance of being taken out. If that was the case, then the home viewer would never see Alan leave. My reading the ACT 5 wouldn’t quite make sense. I was ready to do the ACT 5 but I threw in the above scenario. As it stood now, we would be doing 2 segments back to back with Norm and do the ACT 5 at the end of the show. During the editing process following the show, the ACT 5 would be slipped in between the two Norms. By the time we were done with Norm, we would have a better idea of how much time we were over for the show and that would determine what we would do in the ACT 5. While I was running around giving the particulars to those who needed to know, it was decided that we would go with just a graphic promoting LATE SHOW Ventriloquist Week. This would take just a few seconds and save time for the rest of the show. Throughout all this, I missed Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Norm Macdonald. I figured I would have to watch the show later that night at home. That was my plan, but I fell asleep watching Farnsworth close out the New York Yankee win against Tampa Bay. I never got to watch.

NORM MACDONALD: I missed all of Norm, which I’m not happy about because he never fails to deliver the giggles. Those around me seemed to enjoy it quite a bit, even those who don’t laugh at anything. I’ll be checking out Norm hopefully this Friday on tape. Maybe I’ll write about his appearance then. His comedy CD, “Ridiculous” is now in stores. To those who make these decisions, “More Norm, please.”

ACT 5: Our Ventriloquist Week lineup:
Monday, September 18: Willie Tyler and Lester.
Tuesday, September 19: Jay Johnson and Darwin
Wednesday, September 20: Ronn Lucas and Scorch
Thursday, September 21: Jeff Dunham, and Walter
Friday, September 22: Todd Oliver and Irving

And that was our show for Wednesday, September 13, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

I was watching Martha this morning. Martha Stewart and her guest Alan Alda were making some sort of tomato sauce dish. In the middle of the preparation, Alan Alda exclaims, “Hey, I cut my finger! My finger is bleeding!” Martha looks at it and says, “I’ll take care of that,” and she wipes the “cut” clean with a towel. And sad Alan Alda pouts, “That’s all I get?”

Last week I tried to get a haircut but after waiting at two different barbershops for a total of nearly an hour-and-a-half, I walked out and went home. I received this suggestion from Wahoo reader Curtis Daniels of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada.

“Noticed your barber wait story. Try a local salon where they take appointments. If you're on time they'll be might be too. Few extra dollars (15 - 20 here) but what's your time worth? Usually a nice scalp massage while they are washing (looking for) your hair too.”

I’m going to try to get a haircut again this weekend.

And then this weekend I went to Lowe’s. I wanted to pick up some fertilizer, some bird seed, and some bleach to kill the mildew on the side of my house. The parking lot was pretty packed. I picked up my items and then saw the lines at the registers. Only two were open. I waited . . . and then I left my cart by a closed register and stormed out. Hey, Lowe’s, is it really a good idea to have only 2 cash registers open on the weekend?

I’m going to try to pick up some fertilizer, bird seed, and some bleach this weekend.

And then on Sunday I had my friends’ kids over for the day. They wanted to see the new mall, the one that’s advertised as the 2nd biggest in the United States (10 other malls make the same claim). It was an absolutely beautiful Sunday afternoon but the kids all wanted to go to the new 7-year-old mall. I drove them to the mall, circled the mall, and then left when there was no parking spaces available. And it was a beautiful Sunday in September . . . . why is there no parking available at the mall on a beautiful Sunday in September? What’s wrong with you people? Do you really have to shop?! Is shopping really that important?

I’m going to try to go back to the mall this weekend.

The only good news I had this weekend was I went to a garage sale and picked up a metal milk box for a buck.

Maria Sharapova – how do you pronounce Sharapova? I always heard it one way: Shara-PO-va. And then the morning we had her on, I heard Bud Collins say her name with the accent on the 2nd syllable: sha-RAH-puh-va. So which is it?

From Wahoo reader, Dake Sikula:

“As you'll see from this page, Sharapova's name is pronounced (like many Russian names) with the emphasis on the second syllable:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maria_sharapova
(Same with her first name and patronym. Her full name should be pronounced ‘Mahr-EE-ya YOOR-yev-na Sha-RAH-pa-va.’)

Virtually all female names in Russian end in ‘a,’ which is the feminine ending. Her father and any male relatives would be named Sharapov (Sha-RAH-pov).

Sha-rah-POH-va is easier for Americans to say, so like many Russian names (Gorbachev, Khrushchev, for example), correctness is sacrificed for ease.”

Now, how do you pronounce “Sikula”?