Following Dave’s final monologue joke, Johnny Dark enters and approaches Dave. He is holding a trumpet. Looking over to Paul, he shouts, “Okay, boys, lets start this party!” Johnny blows his trumpet, emitting a struggled and thwarted note. A disgusted Johnny finally gives up and says, “Ahh, screw it!”

Dave at the desk does some “Jason Randal” when he grabs hold of a coffee mug full of pencils by the pencils. The mug follows, as if levitating like magic.

We head over to Rupert’s to play something called, “How Many Snakes Can You Find in the Hello Deli?” This has been inspired by Snakes on a Plane which opens on Friday. Rupert introduces the snakes and the snake handlers. We see three snake handlers, each holding a python. Has Rupert ever had snakes in the Hello Deli before? Rupert replies, “No, this is the first time.” Dave says, “Well, maybe they’ll take care of your rat problem.” The snake handlers will hide the snakes throughout the deli and the contestant will have 30 seconds to see how many he or she can find. Rupert scurries outdoors to find a contestant.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Just in case Dave cannot finish the show tonight for any reason, he has his brother Raoul standing by to take over. We see a shot of Raoul in his dressing room. Raoul opens the door and waves. The Letterman resemblance is uncanny. Raoul, in green fatigues and mustache, waves and returns to his dressing room.

Back to Dave, we see the camera-shot going a bit haywire. What’s up? We see Dave Dorsett, operator of camera 1 explain, “I’m letting one of the neighborhood kids run the camera.” He then instructs the lad behind the camera, “Get the shot of that bald guy behind the piano,” referencing Paul. Paul chimes with a mutter, “It’s nice to have a hook.” I laughed.

It seems the authors of that Barry Bonds book, “Game of Shadows,” are in a bit of trouble for not revealing their sources. We see this announcement.
Announcer: “The authors of the Barry Bonds book, ‘Games of Shadows,’ may have to go to jail for refusing to reveal their sources. Prison? Looks like you guys might also be getting some injections in the ass.
A message from Barry Bonds.”

A diner waitress enters and offers Dave a menu. She tells him, “I’ll come back later to take your order.” Dave thanks her and asks for a spot of coffee when she returns. “Sure thing, hon” she replies.
Dave studies the menu and reads the many great selections. Does Paul want anything? Paul and Dave banter back and forth, Paul being quite selective and advising that he does not want anything with onions on it. Dave senses the picky Paul and says ordering with Paul is like trying to order with Nancy Agostini.

Back to Rupert’s. We find him with a lovely gal named Poonam from Vancouver. She is a law student studying in London. She is here visiting her sister, “Neelam." Poonam: means “full moon.”
Neelam: means “blue sapphire.”
Dave explains the game, about the snakes hidden throughout the deli, but unfortunately, we’ve run out of time. We have no time left to play, “How Many Snakes Can You Find in the Hello Deli.” Awwww.
Suddenly a scream is heard. The camera searches for the scream and we find one of the snake handers has been bitten by the snake. He continues to scream, and then falls suddenly to the floor. That’s too bad. But luckily, there are no losers on “How Many Snakes Can You Find in the Hello Deli?” Poonam is presented with a Hello Deli deli platter.

Back from commercial, Dave says he was wrong. Nancy Agostini likes onions and she eats them all the time. After studying the menu, Dave tells the waitress he’s decided on the B.L.T. She asks, “Would you like mayo with that?” Dave says he would.
“Lettuce?” Dave again says “yes” to the lettuce, pointing out that lettuce is the “L” in B.L.T. The waitress realizes her innocent oversight and apologizes. Dave smiles and says that’s not a problem at all. Very kind. You can tell a lot about a man by how he treats a waitress and how he places an order. Does Paul want anything? Paul asks for a coffee with milk and sugar.

We have a special visitor tonight; it’s the President and CEO of 7-Eleven, Mr. Jim Keyes.
Jim Keyes enters and makes an announcement, center stage.
JIM KEYES: “Thank you, Dave. Well, folks, what a summer! Since the LATE SHOW kicked off its 7-Eleven promotion on July 11th . . . 7-11 . . . we’ve given away over 25 million dollars worth of free 7-Eleven food, plus three brand-new Hummer H-3’s! All thanks to the generosity of that man right there, David Letterman!”
(applause; big grin and wave from Dave)
“That would have been more than enough, but Dave and the Late Show have upped the ante once again and made this promotion even hotter! Go into any participating 7-Eleven store and tell the clerk, ‘Give me my million dollars,’ and you have a chance to win a cool million! Now, don’t be fooled when the clerk tells you the promotion isn’t real --- this is all part of the fun! Remember, you still get the free Slurpee, Big Bite hot dog, and bakery muffin, and you’re entered in the drawing for a new Hummer, plus a million dollars! Don’t thank me, thank David Letterman. See you all at 7-Eleven!”
Jim Keyes gives a “bravo” hand clasp over his shoulder, then exits.
A suspicious Paul asks, “Was that really Jim Keyes, the President and CEO of 7-Eleven?”
Dave hems and haws, and says he supposes it’s possible.

TOP TEN: Bill Clinton 60th Birthday Plans – he turns 60 on Saturday, born August 19, 1946 in Hope, Arkansas.
#10. The usual --- bucket of KFC and a lap dance.
#5. Pretending to be excited when Hillary wears one of her ‘sexy pantsuits’ to bed
#2. Reminding Gore the cake is for everyone.

JESSICA BIEL: She’s starring in the Friday release of The Illusionist, along with Edward Norton. Last night was the big premiere in New York City and then went to Aer. Aer? It’s a nightclub downtown. Dave is curious about the name “Aer.” He asks for a spelling; he asks what it means. Back in the shack, we scurry to find out what it means. Someone off-camera offers, “It’s Spanish for “air.” Dave buys the explanation and continues.
Dave feels a bit rude for not enquiring: Does Jessica want anything from the waitress? She mentions something about a tomato mozzarella pizza. By the time she gets to “piz…” our prop department is on the phone to Angelo’s right outside the theater. It arrives after the segment is over, much to my delight. It was delicious.
We see a clip from The Illusionist. Oops. It’s the wrong clip. Instead we see a black and white clip of a guy stuck in a box as the box is punctured by swords. Yikes. We then see the right clip. It opens Friday at a theater near you.

Back from commercial, we still don’t know what AER means. The suggestion that it is Spanish for “air” doesn’t float. Back in the shack, we are flying through the computer and I’m looking through encyclopedias and dictionaries. I keep muttering, “I think it’s just another spelling of ‘air’, like a European spelling. It’s a prefix meaning air, I think.” Meanwhile, someone in the shack phones the AER restaurant on 13th Street. They don’t know the meaning of AER, either.
Oh, Dave points out for those at home that they miss some of the best musical performances from Paul and the band during the commercial breaks. Tonight, Paul and the CBS Orchestra performed “Shout!” during which Paul dropped to the floor and pumped out 5 push-ups. It was crazy, man, like wild.

The waitress arrives with Dave’s B.L.T. and Paul’s coffee. Dang, it looked good. Dave samples the cole slaw, which draws an “eww” reaction from some in the audience and band. Huh? Why? Someone says the cole slaw is just a garnish and not to be eaten. Dave questions the waitress if this is a fact. She answers a knowing, “You can eat that. It’s perfect!” I like how she directed the first part to Dave; the second part to the band.

ACT 5: Alan: “There’s lots more ‘Late Show’ coming up after these commercials, so stick around.” The camera stays on Alan for an uncomfortable amount of time, although, any amount of time on Alan is uncomfortable. Alan gets annoyed, “All right, now get the camera off me!” The shot remains, so Alan gets up and wrestles with the camera guy. I wouldn’t be surprised if it was that kid again.

CHRISTINA AGUILERA: From her new CD, “Back to Basics,” Christina belts out a wonderful performance of “Ain’t No Other Man.” Lots of action; lots of sound; lots of energy. Afterwards, Dave chats with Christina. He asks about the choreography of the trumpet players who performed. Ever get knocked in the head by one of those swinging trumpets? Christina admits there have been some mishaps. The trumpet-play reminded me of signature “Guillotine” maneuver performed by the Ramapo High School Marching Band I’ve grown to know and love. The band from my high school has performed at New York Giant football games and many parades and competitions. The “Guillotine” never fails to get a reaction.

And that was our show for Wednesday August 16, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

United States Senator George Allen of Virginia made a blunder the other day when he slurred a political opponent of Indian descent. Oops. Senator Allen is deemed to be Presidential timber. Yeah, well, “TIMBER!” Whoof. Flop. To the ground. He’s nothing but firewood now.
His dad, professional football coach George Allen, was known to say “The future is now.” It looks like his son’s future is in the past.

You mean the parents had nothing to do with it? Has the real killer of JonBenet Ramsey come forward? If so, the happiest guy in town is OJ.

I was watching a Woody Allen movie on HBO the other day, Small Town Crooks. I then I saw his new movie Scoop at the theater. And I need to ask, “When did Woody Allen turn into Mr. Furley?”

Hey, Oklahoma Sooners football fans, I got a question. Your starting quarterback was recently kicked off the team for receiving illegal payments – NCAA rules - from a local car dealer. Before the NCAA learned about it and stepped in, the Sooner head coach chucked him from the team. Everyone knew the rules and the rules were broken. My question: How has the town/city reacted to the car dealer? Are people avoiding the dealership as a payback for his possible ruination of a chance at a championship?

This Paul Lo Duca saga is starting to get really interesting . . . . Major League baseball player for the first place New York Mets; Playboy bunny wife; dilly-dallying with a 19-year-old; gambling and trouble with bookies. Hoo boy. Let’s Go Mets!

29 years ago today, Elvis Presley died. How sad . . . how very sad. No, I don’t mean it’s sad that he died . . . . it’s sad that it happened 29 years ago! 29 years ago! YIKES! Where has the time gone?

Elvis Presley’s tombstone reads:

“He was a precious gift from God
We cherished and loved dearly.

He had a God-given talent that he shared
With the world. And without a doubt,
He became most widely acclaimed;
Capturing the hearts of young and old alike.

He was admired not only as an entertainer,
But as the great humanitarian that he was;
For his generosity, and his kind feelings
For his fellow man.

He revolutionized the field of music and
Received its highest awards.

He became a living legend in his own time;
Earning the respect and love of millions.

God saw that he needed some rest and
Called him home to be with Him.

We miss you, Son and Daddy. I thank god
That He gave us you as our son.”

- by Vernon Presley