Oooh, oooh. It's just a few weeks away. Coming up the week of September 18th, it's the Late Show Ventriloquist Week. And we're not kidding. Dave holds up a photo of a meeting held earlier in the day to discuss Ventriloquist Week. Already booked for Monday: September 18th is Willie Tyler and Lester. Small world, I saw Willie Tyler and Lester Wednesday night on Kimmel.
Dave once worked with Willie Tyler and Lester. He then gives a preview of what to expect from the duo on September 18th.

And later in the show, we have something really really amazing planned. Dave won't say what it is, but he suggests you get your TIVO warmed up. It's impressive; it's topical; it's amazing.

This Pluto thing is crazy. It's no longer a planet after being one for so long! What up with that? But now that Pluto is off the list, we're finding out more about the former 9th planet.
Announcer:

"Many have expressed sympathy for Pluto in the past week after it lost its status as a planet. Well, a little digging shows Pluto isn't quite the loveable planet it makes itself out to be. In 1982, Pluto got totally baked and wrecked a Buick, and in 1986, Pluto slept with Melanie Griffith and then never called. Payback's a bitch, Pluto!"

Did you read about the doctored photo of Katie Couric? A magazine printed her photograph, but airbrushed it first to make her appear 20 pounds lighter. Wow! But Dave says she shouldn't be alarmed. CBS has been doing this for years. In fact, they do it here at the Late Show, too. Dave calls for the control room to wipe away the computer-enhanced filter they use for the show. We see Dave sitting at the desk. And then we see a wipe away of the filter to reveal an old guy who is Dave without the filter. Wow, again. Dave looks to be hitting upwards of 80. We wipe be filter back in and Dave is young near-60 again. Paul whooped and hollered at this. He really enjoyed it.

Bob Schieffer's final broadcast as anchor of the CBS Evening News was earlier tonight. CBS knew it was going to be a big event. And it was. For his final broadcast, Bob Schieffer showed his deal! (we see a nude photo of Mr. Schieffer)

Back to Dave. As he prepares to go on to the next thing, we hear Biff talking backstage. That's odd. The camera stays on Dave as we listen to Biff's conversation. BIFF: "I don't know, the whole staff hates him. I thought the heart surgery might set him straight, but he's still a bastard." Biff goes on and on about his boss, Mr. Letterman, none of it too complimentary. Dave yells to get Biff's attention. A startled Biff, whom we now see, hears Dave say, "Biff! Your mic is on!" Biff quickly apologizes and runs away.

We'll be right back with tonight's top ten list and something really amazing.

Dave has a photo of Willie and Lester. Dave performs his own brand of ventriloquism. If the Late Show Ventriloquist Week is anything as entertaining as that, it'll be an historic week of television to be sure.

And that something will be, as the kids say, "really sick."

With the summer winding down, we thought it would be a good idea to send out cue card Master Tony Mendez on a trip to explore one of the more popular summer destinations. Where did we send him? To the Hamptons. We have a clip of Tony's trip.
We see Tony leaving the theater.
We see Tony getting a car at the car rental.
We see Tony with a map in his lap as he drives the city streets.
We see Tony knock over a bike messenger.
We see Tony stuck in traffic.
We see Tony stuck in even more traffic.
We see Tony stuck in even more traffic yet.
And we see Tony scream out, "Mother-'givl'er!"

Tony never made it to the Hamptons.

And because of the show running long, this whole piece gets cut out of the show. Sorry, Tony. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

TOP TEN: Kyra Phillips Excuses.
Did you hear about her? She's the CNN anchorwoman who went to the bathroom during the President's speech. Unfortunately, her wireless microphone was left on and her entire ladies room conversation was picked up for everyone tuned to CNN to hear. Ooops! Dave throws no blame at Ms. Phillips. None of that was her fault. It's not her responsibility to turn off her microphone when she is not on camera. It is the job of the director and the control room. Uh oh, Dave. Watch out for the strong Directors Union. Dave continues to berate the error of the director. And, yup, I expected something like this . . . our director Jerry Foley quickly removed the computer-enhanced filter to reveal the old-looking Dave Letterman. Gotcha, Mr. Letterman! Dave stops blaming the CNN director and continues with the top ten list.

And here to present tonight's top ten list, CNN anchor Kyra Phillips.
KYRA PHILLIPS EXCUSES
#10. Still haven't mastered complicated on/off switch.
#9. Larry King told me he does this all the time.
#8. How was I supposed to know we had a reporter embedded in the bathroom?
#7. I honestly never knew this sort of thing was frowned upon.
#6. Couldn't resist chance to win $10,000 on "America's Funniest Home Videos."
#5. I was set up by those bastards at FOX News.
#4. Oh, like you've never gone to the bathroom and had it broadcast on national television
#3. I just wanted that hunky Lou Dobbs to notice me.
#2. Okay, so I was drunk and I couldn't think straight.
#1. You have to admit, it made the speech a lot more interesting.

Hey, good sport, Krya. And a nice job on the Top Ten.

JULIANNE MOORE: She's in the film, "Trust The Man." It opens nationwide on Friday. How was her summer? She got a dog and named it Cherry. She spent time at the beach with the family; husband and two children, 8 and 4. Unfortunately, it rained a lot and forced them play board games. What kind of games? Scrabble. And Go Fish The Go Fish cards are of animals and colors, so you get a lot of "Do you have a Red Horse?" and "Do you have a Green Frog?" The game usually comes to a screeching halt when her daughter asks, "Mommy, do you have a yellow beaver?" OUCH!
To fill up the day, Julianne went out to the local toy store and bought some Floam. It's like Playdough with little balls of Styrofoam in it. Julianne brought some along to show Dave. It's an odd gel, which Julianne swears is toxic. Julianne opens her container of Floam and starts poking at it. Dave opens his Floam and sticks his finger into it. He removes a big glob . . . . and then eats it. Julianne cannot believe it! It's toxic! Dave takes another finger-full. Julianne laughs at the crazy Dave antics.
We see a scene from "Trust the Man," involving Julianne, David Duchovny, and Gary Shandling. I've heard good things about the film. It'll be in your town Friday.

It's time for the big extravaganza! It's what you've all been waiting for! What is it? We have 5,000 tennis balls, over 750 pounds of them, about to be dropped from the ceiling onto the stage. It's to honor the U.S. Open in Flushing Meadows, a few miles form here. Everything is set and we're ready to go. The signal is given and down falls 5,000 tennis balls. Huh? How could we drop 5,000 tennis balls and have not one of them bounce? I guess they all got in the way of each other. To say it was a little disappointing would be an understatement. We had dropped a thousand during rehearsal and it looked pretty good. We thought 5,000 would be 5-times better. It wasn't. It wasn't a total loss. After the show, I went home with 3 tennis balls.

ACT 5: It's the tennis balls dropping, and going back up in reverse.

OPIE & ANTHONY: They've got that morning radio show on the XM, which is simulcast on some of the CBS terrestrial stations. You can hear them each morning from 6:00 AM to 9:00 AM. Since they are on the terrestrial free radio, they have to follow the FCC rules. After 9:00 AM, they have to leave the studio and with microphone in hand, walk over to their XM studio for another 2 hours of non-FCC regulated radio. They've learned that in New York, people don't care about or notice too much. They once carried the NHL Stanley Cup from the one studio to the next and no one even blinked. Like I've said many times before . . . you can do anything in this city just as long as you don't screw up traffic; vehicular or pedestrian. Do what you want, just don't get in the way.
Dave asks about their history of getting fired.
BOSTON: Opie had an idea. Anthony, out late the night before, was too tired to question it. It was April Fools Day. Opie thought it would be a hoot to announce the Mayor of Boston had died. It was April Fools Day! It would be a riot. Turned out it wasn't a good idea. They were fired a week later.
NEW YORK CITY: After working here for 3 years, one of their on-going bits got them in trouble; something called "Sex for Sam". They would encourage people to have sex at famous New York City landmarks. The more risky the spot, the more points the contestants could earn. They included "church" on the list, but only put in on the list to make the stunt sound really crazy. No one was meant to actually go to a church and have sex. Well, somebody did . . . and it wasn't any church . . . . it was THE Church . . . St. Patrick's Cathedral. Oops. The two contestants got a lot of points. Opie and Anthony got fired.
And then after two years of no work but getting paid, they were back on radio. Let's stop here for a moment and think about that . . . two years not working . . . but getting paid. Where do I sign up? Come to think of it, I once again did not attain my yearly goal. Every summer I try for the same thing . . . to get suspended with pay for two months. No such luck.
Anthony laments that whenever they get in trouble, it's always the same headline: Opie and Dopey. "I'm always 'Dopey."
How is their relationship with Howard Stern? Anthony says "there is a personal . . . I guess you'd call it 'hatred' between us." Anthony does a very good Howard Stern impersonation, mocking how Howard likes to take credit for everything. Anthony, as Howard: "I invented everything!" "The breathing in and out thing . . . my idea."
Dave asks, "Will you ever make up?"
Anthony says with hope and a lilt, "Maybe in heaven, Dave."
He then does a bit more Howard: "Marconi . . . he stole my idea. Morse Code . . . dot dot dot dash dash me."
It's Opie and Anthony. You can hear them here in the New York Metro area on 92.3 FREE FM weekdays starting at 6:00 AM.

And that was our show for Thursday, August 31, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Ahhh, sad news. Actor Glenn Ford died. He starred in the "Blackboard Jungle." I'll always remember a scene from the movie where one of the punk kids keeps calling Glenn Ford, "Chief." Near the end of the scene, Glenn Ford says, "And stop calling me 'Chief.'"

And Joseph Stefano, the author of the script for "Psycho" died this week. 30 years ago I came up with the idea of creating shower curtains with the outline of the Psycho shower stabber on it. I thought it would be a big seller with college kids. Then I started seeing the Psycho Shower Curtains in the Harriet Carter catalogs about 10 years ago. Dang it! You never know who's listening when you're spouting off at the bar.

After nearly 7 years, the doorknobs in my house are becoming loose. They all seem to becoming loose at the same time. A simple tightening with a screwdriver fixes the problem. But I've noticed something that makes me a little nervous. So far, all the doorknobs I've tightened have the screws on the outside part of the door. For instance, the screws are on the room side, not the closet side. I'm no Bob Vila, but shouldn't the screws be on the non-visible side? The clean, unblemished side of the doorknob should be the visible side, the side we all see. If I know this, why don't the professionals who put up my house know this? And if they don't know this, what else didn't they know when building my home? Yeah, it's stuff like this that keeps me awake at night.

Hey, Fab Faux fans, there are some new dates:
September 9th: TORONTO Massey Hall
September 16th: Musicfest '06 at Nomahegan Park in Cranford NJ - Just the 5 of us! This show also features Cheap Trick & LaBamba & The Hubcaps with Southside Johnny
September 23rd: LOS ANGELES House Of Blues

So how many times do you think you'll hear The Happenings on the radio today?

Yankee fans have no idea what they're in store for when Mariano eventually retires. Hoo boy, it's gonna be rough.