My oh my, how did I forget to include the new announcer for last night? Tonight's opening announce was presented by Monica Trombetta. Monday was Robb Webb. Mr. Kalter is not here this week as he is tending to a family matter.

While Dave is billboarding tonight's show, we hear a DING! sound effect. The ding reminds Dave that it's time for his pills. He reaches below his desk and grabs a handful of Tuesdays and throws them down his gullet.

Have you heard about the problems at Apple Computer? Now it's their laptop computers catching on fire due to the faulty SONY batteries. Nearly 2 million Apple laptops are being recalled. And now we hear that Apple is trying to profit from the problem. How so? They've come out with the I-Stinguisher. Dave puts a fire extinguisher, painted white, on the desk. On the face of the extinguisher are the dials and a screen of an i-Pod. Dave tries out the new I-Stinguisher, squirting the camera and Tony Cue Cards. It's something we've all wanted to do, and since it's his show, Dave squeezes the trigger to the I-Stinguisher time and time again.

The world's oldest woman died over the weekend at the age of 116. It's a very sad occasion, but it looks like she will be fondly remembered by many people.
Announcer:

"The family of the world's oldest woman, Maria Esther de Capovilla, is sad to report that she died over the weekend at the age of 116. Maria led an extraordinary long and full life, and she is survived by two loving children (photo of 2 very old people), three grandchildren (photo of 3 very old people), five great-grandchildren (photo of 5 very old people), six great-great grandchildren (photo of 6 very old people), and her twin brother Larry (photo of Larry King). So long, old gal. So long."

These reality shows are getting out of control. Earlier tonight, FOX premiered "Celebrity Duets", a show that presents pairs of celebrities singing together. We take a look at a promo.
Announcer:

"Coming Tuesday to FOX, it's the premiere of 'Celebrity Duets.' Tune in to hear classic songs performed by your favorite stars, including comedian Cheech Marin, 'Xena' star Lucy Lawless, Olympic gymnast Carly Patterson, and a special duet by Fidel and Raul Castro."

Dave checks in on the bathrobe guy. He's concerned that the guy's OK. He re-enters and says everything is cool. Sure, after he was doused with freezing CO2, anybody would be cool.

And now it's time for a segment we call, "Laura Bush Interviews Herself."
From Tuesday's "Good Morning America":
Laura Bush: "Was the Federal Government slow? Sure, probably.
"Was every government slow, state and locally? Absolutely.
But have the responded in a very, very helpful way? I think they have.
Could we have done it better? Sure.
But are we doing what we can now? Absolutely."

Sitting at the desk, Dave notices the camera is going all screwy; up and down, in and out, back and forth, left and right. He thinks that maybe he's having a bad reaction to the pills. Dave asks our cameraman what's the deal? Dave Dorsett answers, "Thought I'd try some of that MTV crap." I laughed because I sensed a short, split-second delay before Dorsett said "crap" in "that MTV crap." I think he stopped himself from saying, "djoy." (to decipher 'djoy', simply look to the left of each letter of 'djoy' on your keyboard.

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES: We hear from FDR. We hear from JFK. We hear President Bush say: "I think I saw a guy spitting in a can."

JEFF BREDENBERG - Author of the book, "Five Minute Fixes: Instant Answers For Hundreds of Everyday Hassles." He's got the best answers to everyday problems. Dave asks, "How many of these 2,100 examples are good, and how many are just bull-'djoy.' Jeff pretends that they are all good; 100%. At the demo table, what's he got?
1. Split pants at the office? Simple. Grab a stapler, go to the bathroom, and staple the inside seam of the split. Voila. Split fixed. In less than 5 minutes. But good luck getting through the metal detector at the airport.
2. Stuck zipper? Simple. Lubricate with the graphite from an ordinary everyday pencil. Jeff rubs the pencil up and down his pants zipper. Would Dave like Jeff to rub his zipper with a pencil? Dave quickly retorts, "I think my zipper is just fine."
3. Your key is bent? How to unbend it? Put it between two pieces of wood and bang on the wood with a hammer. Fixed key. But wait. Dave's got another idea. Dave takes the key and rubs it up and down his zipper.
4. Dingy gray socks? Simple. Boil them in water and lemon for 15 minutes. Dave takes one of the lemons off the table and rubs it up and down his zipper.
5. a shirt that's getting a bit ripe under the armpits and no time to wash it? Simple. Spray some vodka on the smelly area. Smell is gone. I know that works, because every alcoholic I know has no smell at all. As Jeff goes on to the next item, Dave admonishes," Aren't you forgetting something, Jeff?" Jeff catches on quick. He grabs the vodka-spray bottle and squirts it on Dave's zipper.
6. Bottle of wine but no cork screw? No problem. Go to your work bench in the basement and grab a screw and an electric screwdriver. Drill the screw into the cork and then yank out the cork. Looking at the drill and screw and the work involved, Dave wonders, "How drunk do you have to be . . .?" Dave then says, "I feel like Ray Milland!" I laughed a hearty laugh, the only one in the shack to do so. In fact, I may have been the only one in the theater. Dave continues his Ray Milland, "I gotta get it opened! Get me a drill!" Paul twice repeats the name, "Ray Milland."

The joke? Ray Milland starred in one of my favorite movies of all time, "The Lost Weekend." It's about a writer who falls victim to the drink. Imagine that. He ends up hocking his typewriter for some dough for a bottle. Ray is great in it. When he first tried to hock his typewriter, all the pawn shops were closed in New York City. He couldn't figure out why. He was delirious with need for alcohol. No pawn shops were open. But why? A passerby explains, "Because it's Yom Kippur. All the pawn shops are closed today." I guess pawn shops were a Jewish business in the city. Rent it this weekend. "The Lost Weekend" starring Ray Milland.

I was glad Dave didn't run the drill up and down his zipper. Could have been a big "ouch."
7. Light bulb breaks off and you can't unscrew it? Simple. Use a potato to turn the bulb.
And those are just some of the household tricks you can find in, "Five Minute Fixes."

ZACH BRAFF: You know him from TVs "Scrubs." He's now starring in a new film, "The Last Kiss" which opens September 15th. How's his summer been? Pretty boring. Zach considers himself a stay-at-home kind of guy who likes to watch TV and eat cereal. What he wants to do is meet this Zach Braff guy he keeps reading about in the tabloids who is going to clubs and parties and having one heckuva time. Zach recently suffered a ruptured disk in his lower back. He went to get an MRI and discovered that he has one leg an eighth of an inch shorter than the other. I laughed at this because I have always had this theory: the first thing they teach you in chiropractor school is to tell your patients they have one leg shorter than the other. Are there any chiropractors out there who can back me up on this? Dave says we have a guy backstage who can fix that herniated disc. It'll only take 5 minutes. Zach laughs and says it seems everything can be fixed by simply rubbing it on your zipper.
A herniated disk. Which one? Zach has no idea so he simply says, "G-4." The answer seems to make people happy.

Zach Braff's new film, "The Last Kiss", opens September 15th. The film is about guys in their 30s who are afraid to settle down. Dave says he went to see "The Last Kiss" with our building engineer George Clarke in the viewing room. There is one particular scene which involves Zach's character and his pregnant wife. As the scene is about to unfold, George says out loud, "Oh, no, don't do it." But Zach went ahead and did it. Zach says there is a lot in the movie that people can live through vicariously. Dave says, "I gotta find out from George exactly why he knew you shouldn't have done it."
"The Last Kiss" - in theaters September 15th.

WHAT? I just watched the Zach Braff segment on the TV at home. It's 12:19 AM. A commercial comes on with Pat O'Brien playing the tambourine with the Gin Blossoms. He shouts over the music, "Stick around after the Late Show for highlights of the U.S. Open." For this they're delaying Craig Ferguson and "The Late Late Show"? Pat O'Brien playing the tambourine?

BUILDING ENGINEER KOMEDY KLASSICS, WITH GEORGE CLARKE: We find George center stage.
GEORGE (to Dave): "Hey, Dave, what do you call it when toxic vapor starts seeping from the air ducts into the theater?"
DAVE: "I don't know."
GEORGE: "Me neither. It's the damnedest thing." FREEZE.
Announcer: "For more building engineer high jinks, see George Clarke LIVE this Friday at noon at Nuzzo Cadillac in Parsipanny, New Jersey."

ACT 5: "Where's Sue Hum Hiding?" We see a shot of the empty green room. Nothing happens. Still nothing. Suddenly, Sue Hum pops up from behind the sofa.
"This has been 'Where's Sue Hum Hiding?"

THE ROOTS: From their new CD, "Game Theory," The Roots performed "Here I Come." Did you recognize the drummer, Ahmir Thompson? Long time Late Show fans who know way too much about the show will remember him from the remote, "Leonard Tepper Gets a Tuxedo and Goes to the Emmys" - September 13, 1996; Show #659. We met the guy in the Big & Tall Shop up the block from here. One thing led to another and away they both went in tuxedos to the Emmy Awards.

To close the show, Dave lauds The Roots. Paul shouts, "They're tight, tight tight tight!" DING! Dave grabs for his pills. Dave sputters about the "Five Minute Fixes" guy, "If the guy wants to fix something, how about my having to get up 5 or 6 times a night." Dave then thanks our guests tonight: The Roots, Zach Braff, Jeff Bredenberg, and Ray Milland.

And that was our show for Tuesday, August 29, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

This just in . . . 50 is the new 30. But 60 is still 60.

This just in . . . the Dallas Police Department has picked up John Mark Karr for something that happened there in '63.

Hey, English majors . . . Jeff Bredenberg's book, "Five Minute Fixes" . . . . should there be a hyphen between "Five" and "Minute"? The way I read it now without a hyphen tells me the book contains five fixes, each lasting one minute. Or it's a book about 5 really tiny fixes.

And while I'm at it . . . at the bottom of the Late Show Closing Billboard blue card, I've added that following the Late Show, CBS is broadcasting highlights of the U.S. Open. I typed it up this way:
"Highlights of the U.S. Open is next."
Someone said it should be "are" next . . . "Highlights of the U.S. Open are next." I like "is next" because I consider "Highlights of the U.S. Open" as one singular program containing multiple highlights. Others see it as a plural . . . as a multitude of highlights. I see the highlights as one group. Others see the highlights as many singles.

We planned on doing a quick joke on Katie Couric's upcoming interview with President Bush. To find some background information that I could add to the blue card, I clicked on to the CBS website and looked under Movies and Specials. Listed under Specials was the big "A Hero's Welcome." You won't want to miss this! It airs Tuesday, July 4th at 8:00 PM. Listed under that is "Boston Pops Fireworks Spectacular" to be broadcast immediately following "A Hero's Welcome" at 10:00 on Tuesday, July 4th! Miss it and you'll regret it. But what about Katie Couric's special that hasn't aired yet? I spent 10 minutes looking all over the website and could not find a word on the Katie Couric primetime special with her interview with the President of the United States of America. But if you want to see the Boston Pops Fireworks Spectacular, you'll have to hop into Mr. Peabody's Way-Back Machine and set if for July 4, 2006 at 10:00 PM. Katie Couric's 1st primetime special on CBS . . . . sorry, but I found nothing. Hmmm, I guess CBS feels it's not worth mentioning. Or maybe they want to keep it a big secret!

Hey, do you like the Chinese food? Next time you're in New York, check out Shun Lee's at 43 West 65th Street. That's some good eatin'!

Friends from home . . . . sad news. Our friend Kenny "Grizzly" Furnish passed away this week in Vermont while playing softball. Kenny always led the way when it came time to having a good time. He was forever young at heart.
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