COLD OPEN: We find Dave and Biff in the green room. Biff has his cell phone pressed up against his ear.
DAVE: "Checking your voice mail?"
BIFF: "No"
DAVE: "Checking your answering machine at home?"
BIFF: "No."
DAVE: "Checking movie times?"
BIFF: "No."
DAVE: "Then what are you doing?"
BIFF: "I thought if I pretended to be on the phone, you wouldn't bother me."

Following Dave's final monologue joke, Johnny Dark enters and stands beside Dave. He stares intently out at the audience. Dave asks, "What are you doing?" Johnny answers, "It's so quiet out here, I thought maybe the audience left."

Joining us tonight on our show, Bob Zick. A heavy-set guy enters by the blue doors and takes a seat on a stool by the spiral staircase. Paul asks, "Who is Bob Zick." Dave dodges the question and simply says something like, "Oh, he's here for something."

The summer blockbusters are tearing up the box office but there's lots of buzz about the upcoming fall movies. We prepared something here at the Late Show that will whet your appetite for the autumn movie lineup. It's something we call, "LATE SHOW FALL MOVIE PREVIEW!"
We cut sound effects, graphics, music, and more graphics. And that's all we have so far.

Bob Zick, the heavy guy sitting by the spiral staircase, thinks that was hilarious and lets out a huge and continuous guffaw. The hearty laugh is contagious. Oh, that Bob. He likes to laugh.

Katie Couric takes over the CBS Evening News in a few weeks and now that Bob Schieffer is winding up his tenure, Dave is getting the sense that Bob just doesn't give a damn anymore. We take a look at what Dave is talking about. Art card: "Bob Schieffer Doesn't Give A Damn"
We see a moment from Wednesday night's newscast. A correspondent is talking to a British guy. The Brit is wearing a monocle. The topic is of a serous nature. At the end of the interview with the correspondent, it goes back to Bob Schieffer LIVE. Bob is laughing hysterically, barely able to finish the newscast. Bob says through the giggles, "How long has it been since you've seen someone wearing a monocle? I'm Bob Schieffer. We'll see you tomorrow."

Mr. Zick laughs at this too. Hey, he's a good guy to have around. Big laugh from Bob Zick.

Back to Dave, who is now being visited by a diner waitress. She says to Dave, "Will it be the usual, hon?" Dave, a bit flummoxed, asks "What is it?" The waitress is quick to say, "Oh, you'll remember." Dave isn't so sure and asks if he could start with some flan. Dave is off script and I chuckle as I picture our outside prop department running out to find some flan.

We take a minute to hear a story from Tony Cue Cards. Earlier in the day, Tony says he ran across the street to get a Jamba Juice at Jamba Juice. Outside Jamba Juice, Tony saw a father and son taking their picture of themselves with the Late Show marquee in the background. Tony hopped in and said with excitement, "Get me in the picture with you!" The father quickly said to his son, "C'mon, let's get out of here." Tony tried to explain, "But I'm the Cue Card Guy with the show! Let me be in the picture with you!" The alarmed father again urged his son, "C'mon, let's go. Let's get out of here."
And they fled.
Sounds like the father/son are marquee fans.

A lot of times, big stars on the show are in such a hurry to get out of here they sometimes leave stuff behind. We found this in the dressing room not too long ago. Dave holds up a movie script entitled, "Scientologists On A Plane" - by Tom Cruise.

Bob Zick? Nothing. Doesn't think that's funny at all.

It's been a rough week for the folks at Dell computers. They're recalling 4 million laptop batteries because the computers have been catching on fire. Here to address the problem is Dell CEO, Kevin Rollins. Dave introduces the CEO of Dell. The camera goes to the guest entrance and we see a man engulfed in flames. He runs across the stage and then back. He is on fire. Once backstage, he is doused with a fire extinguisher. I'm surprised we had one nearby. I guess this happens a lot with Mr. Rollins.

How about it Bob? Anything? Again, Bob isn't tickled by the guy on fire. Dave shrugs and mutters, "We're not really getting our money's worth out of Bob."

GREAT MOMENTS IN PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES - We see the President get in a fierce struggle with the English language. The ringside judge gave the victory to the word "technology." It was a near knock-out blow.

Bob Zick got a real kick out of that one.

"Snakes On A Plane" opens on Friday and the buzz is so big that they've already started working on a sequel, also starring Samuel L. Jackson. Dave was able to get a few scenes from the film. We take a look at one.
We see a close up of Samuel L. Jackson drinking a cup of coffee. He looks down at the floor and is disgusted.
Cut to shot of rats running around Samuel's feet. He screams in anger, "I'm sick of these mother-'givl'ing rats in this mother-'givl'ing deli!"
Cut to wide shot to reveal Samuel L. Jackson is in Rupert's Hello Deli. Rupert is standing behind his counter and he gives a "Whoops, not again" shrug. "Rats in a Deli" coming this fall.

JACK FISETTE: 82-year-old sock puppet expert . . or maybe he's 75. Dave and Jack are at a demo table on stage. Jack's been making sock puppets for over 50 years now. What got him interested in sock puppets? As a kid he was always told he was too small to play football. Does Jack meet a lot of other people who like to make sock puppets? Jack thinks a moment and says, "Not lately." Sounds like a dying art.
Dave is eager to slip on a sock to start making a puppet. Jack admonishes, "Not yet!" The first bit of business is cutting a hole in the sock. Jack and Dave each cut a hole in their sock. Unfortunately, Dave cuts his hand on the scissor. Dave carries on and on over his severed hand. Oh, that Dave . . . he was only acting.
When it is time to put the sock up his arm, Jack instructs to make sure the heel is up. Dave of course, puts it on heel down. I knew it! I knew we should have used tube socks! A couple eyes and a mouth are slapped on Dave's sock, who immediately performs a spontaneous and impromptu sock puppet theater. Lots of laughs. A nose is added, a tongue, rubberbands, hair. Soon, the simple sock is looking like a real live sock puppet. Dave is having lots of fun. He asks Jack, "So, do you have a lot of grandkids?" Jack says "No." That created a lot more questions that were left unasked.
Once Dave's sock puppet is complete, the puppet begins to lick itself. Jack puts a stop to that when he slaps in a set of teeth into the mouth of Dave's sock puppet.
Jack Fisette - sock puppet extraordinaire. That was a lot of fun . . . . the most fun I've had with sock puppets in a long time.

WHOOPI GOLDBERG: She's got a new syndicated morning radio show entitled, "Wake Up With Whoopi." In New York, it's on KTU somewhere in the 103s. She's on from 5:00 AM to 9:00 AM. Whenever I hear of morning show people talking about their early early hours, I think of Dave's suggestion to Meredith Vieira to simply make work the final thing of your day instead of the first thing. You should do the show and go to bed for the day rather than wake up and do the show. I like that idea and when I have a show up against Sermonette, that's what I'll do. Whoopi's sidekick is Paul "Cubby" Bryant. My first thought when I heard the name was "Cubby"? Instead of "Bear"? Paul "Cubby" Bryant vs. famed Alabama football coach Paul "Bear" Bryant. I bet that's what he did. Cubby --- small Bear.
Whoopi tells a story about one of her first radio shows early this month. Two morning show competitors were giving Whoopi and the show a hard time. She wouldn't mention them by name, so I won't either, but their first names begin with A and O. Instead of attacking back on the air, Whoopi decided to take a walk over to their studio. She knocked on the door and the reaction was shock. Whoopi is here!? A and O both ended up apologizing and they turned out to be pretty decent guys just doing what they do.
I've listened to Whoopi twice this week and I'll be checking in from time to time. I'm desperate most mornings for something to listen to now that Howard is on the satellite. I'm sure I won't pay for radio until it becomes the norm.

Back from commercial, Dave is given his ordered flan. How is it? Dave thinks it may be just a bit too flanny. Making simple conversation, Dave asks Paul how his summer has been. Paul is loving it. Alan? How has Alan's summer been so far? Alan, in blue jeans, white t-shirt and a black leather jacket, answers, "How was my summer? I think this will answer your question . . ." He then begins to sing "Summer Lovin'" from Grease.

"Summer lovin' had me a blast
Summer lovin' happened so fast
I met a girl cute as can be
Summer days drifting away, to uh-oh those summer nights
Uh well-a well-a well-a huh
Tell me more, tell me more
Did you get very far?
Tell me more, tell me more
Like does he have a car?
Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh . . . ."

ACT 5: "Do you have any sock puppet questions than went unanswered? If so, send them to:
My Sock Puppet Questions Have Gone Unanswered
c/o the Late Show
1697 Broadway
New York, New York 10019
We many not be able to get to all of your sock puppet questions, but damn it, we'll try. Keep on watching, you bastards."

FATBOY SLIM: He's famous for being a DJ. Huh? I know, I'm too old to get it. What, he's today's Wolfman Jack? Is that it? Fatboy featured the song, "That Old Pail of Jeans" from his new CD, "The Greatest Hits: Why Try Harder." I liked it. Good sound. And the performance featured a juggler. And that's where jugglers belong; on the stage of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

And that was our show for Thursday, August 17, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

I watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy last week. And then I watched another episode this week. Hated it. Are we really supposed to be interested in relationships among the hospital staff when patients are teetering between life and death on the operating table? There were people with guys hanging out and workers are crying over who's kissing whom. Maybe it's really like that in real life but, really, it's a big "who cares" for me.
My wife loves it, though.

I was watching the Yankee game the other night and I really got a new appreciation for their closer Mariano Rivera. I put down my newspaper and stared intently at the scene of the TV. It was a pleasure to watch a true future Hall of Famer at work. I never really stopped to appreciate his work. And what did I like best about Mariano? When the catcher threw the ball back, Mariano's foot was on the rubber and ready to go with the next pitch. He was all business, in control, and ready to work.

I read where CBS will broadcast a one-hour tribute to Dan Rather on the Friday before Labor Day. I'm not sure, I may be wrong, but I think the Friday before Labor Day has the biggest TV audiences of the year. Do I have that right? Nice going, and congratulations, Mr. Rather. It's sure to be a blockbuster.

All this week there has been a woman sunbathing on the roof of a building at the end of the block. I can see her from my office window. She's been wearing a thong every day. She is too far away for me to really enjoy the view but close enough to allow me to pretend I am seeing stuff I'm not.

My apologies to Paul Shaffer. From Tuesday's Wahoo Gazette:

"Hilary Duff recently spent some time in St. Johns in Canada. Is it St. John or St. Johns? Paul helps out and says it is St. Johns if it's in New Brunswick."

Gord Oxley of Toronto, Ontario:

"You may get a few notes about this, and geez, I hate to correct Paul since he's a fellow Canuck and all (I also hate being a picky Pete and correcting you too), but 'St. John's' is actually in Newfoundland, while 'Saint John' is in New Brunswick. I don't know offhand what a good mnemonic would be to keep that extremely useful information straight."

"I'm sure I'm not the first to send this, but:
It's St. John's, Newfoundland & Labrador and Saint John, New Brunswick

My main reason for the e-mail concerns the recap of Hilary Duff and the St. John's/Saint John debate. Paul should have known better but being from Ontario, it's not surprising (kind of like a New Yorker being an authority on Maine, I suppose). It's actually Saint John, New Brunswick and St. John's, Newfoundland. They are quite similar, both being East coast Canadian, port cities, of a similar size. They both claim important 'firsts' as cities. St. John's claims to be the first city in North America, having been settled by Vikings way back before the Spanish, French, English or Dutch found the rest of North America. Saint John was the first 'incorporated' city in Canada (1785). St. John's can't claim that title because Newfoundland did not join Canada until 1949, the last province to do so. Unlikely this will ever come up at a party Mike, but just in case it does…"

Saint John, New Brunswick. St. John's, Newfoundland.