Cold Open: We find Dave and Jude sitting in the green room. Jude is reading from a newspaper.
JUDE: "Have you seen these pictures of Fidel Castro? They say he could die any day now, and the doctors are just propping up his decrepit old body for the photos." (Dave says nothing, ignoring Jude completely) If you ask me, he looks like he's already dead."
Jude looks at Dave who has yet to move. Jude pokes Dave with her pencil. Dave stirs.
DAVE: "What are you doing?"
JUDE: "Just checking."

After the final joke in the monologue, our friend Johnny Dark enters as a stage manager and approaches Dave. He counts Dave down.
JOHNNY: "Hey, college boy, you're on in 5...4...3...2..." Points to Dave to signal he's on. Johnny pats Dave on the ass, then exits.

Dave is interrupted by an older waitress. She approaches Dave's desk and pours him a spot of coffee. She asks, "Anything else, hon?" Dave says he's fine. Dave asks Paul if he wants anything? Paul declines. Dave then changes his mind, asking for a piece of cake if that's possible. She says she will be right back with a piece of cake.

In the largest recall of computer equipment ever, Dell is recalling 4 million laptop batteries that could overheat and catch fire. For the benefit of their customers, Dell released this helpful announcement. Announcer:

(graphic of Dell computer) "At Dell, nothing is more important than the safety of our customers, which is why we're recalling 4 million laptop batteries that pose a fire hazard." (burnt out laptop battery)
(laptop user) "For a list of batteries affected by the recall, go to Dell.com and click on ‘Battery Recall.'" (red arrow pointing to ‘battery recall' link)
(customer using Dell computer) "If any of the model numbers match the one on your battery, (customer using computer on fire) print out the replacement order form, (computer user on fire) send it along with the used battery to the address listed and we'll send you a new battery in four to six weeks. (burned exterior of house) It's just that simple. Dell: Better computing by design."

Dave is gets a phone call. It's CBS News with CNN footage. It's a late breaking story. We have live footage of Cuban leader Fidel Castro about to leave the hospital. He's well enough to go home and is leaving the hospital under his own power. And we have footage. We go to the live feed.
We see a fit Fidel leaving the hospital. He waves to the waiting crowd of well-wishers. Uh oh. The Cuban misjudges a step and takes a headlong header into the pavement. Ouch. Not what he had in mind. Dave soon learns that he is Okay. Fidel Castro is fine. He survived the fall. Dave says, "It's nice to see Chevy Chase working again."

HAROLD LARKIN'S "AMERICA'S GOT TALENT" - NBC's "America's Got Talent" is very popular and it's no small wonder since it's hosted by Regis Philbin. That's why we sent our head carpenter Harold Larkin out to the streets of New York to more talented Americans . . . we wanted to hone in on the success. It's something we call, Harold Larkin's America's Got Talent."
-a singer and dancer
-a singer, dancer and actor. Can he act as if he just injured his arm? He can, but does a much better job once Harold supplies a real hurt.
-A woman who makes balloon animals. 4 seconds into it, Harold pops the balloon.
-An announcer for the Houston Astros baseball team announces the actions of man about to take a photo inside Grand Central Terminal.
-A joke told in Spanish - "Is this thing on?"
-A singer with a megaphone
-An acoustic guitar player and singer - Harold takes out his remote and puts it on "mute."
-A contortionists who squeezes into a suitcase.
-A guy who can hale a cab without using his arms.
-The suitcase with the guy in it being shoved into the trunk of the stopped cab.
Yes, America certainly has talent. I'm not sure if we came across any, though.

The coffee waitress returns with a piece of cake for Dave. "Is it fresh?" Dave asks. She says it is. "I made it myself!" she says proudly.

Here's something you may not know. Our good friend Alan Kalter is starring in a new situation comedy on CBS, Monday nights at 9:00. It's called "Oh, Brother" and he plays the familiar "Uncle Jerry" character he's made popular here on our show. We have a clip from this week's episode of "Oh, Brother!"
The scene opens with a middle-aged couple canoodling on the sofa.
WOMAN: "Honey, I want to give you your anniversary present."
She gives her husband and passionate kiss.
MAN: "Wow, that's a little better than the Weed Wacker I asked for."
Canned laughter.
WOMAN: "You sure?"
She gives her husband another passionate kiss.
MAN: "Wait, what about the kids?"
WOMAN: "I dropped them off with your brother Jerry."
MAN: "It took 45 years, but I knew he'd eventually be good for something."
Canned laughter.
They resume making out.
Soon, the front door flies open and enters Alan as Uncle Jerry, followed by two kids. Canned laughter and applause.
WOMAN: (furious) "Uncle Jerry, you were supposed to bring the kids back tomorrow."
UNCLE JERRY: "Change of plans. I just got a call from my pal Ernie. He's down at the bar with a couple of stewardesses. We're gonna give ‘em a little layover."
Canned laughter.
WOMAN: "So you're just dumping the kids back with us?"
UNCLE JERRY: (catchphrase) "Hey, Uncle Jerry's gonna get busy!"
Cut.
Back LIVE to Dave, who declares, "That sucked! That just sucked!"

TOP TEN: Signs You Purchased a Bad Computer - (you remember, the Dell thing.)
#10. Runs on 200 "D" batteries.
#5. For better internet reception, salesman includes pair of bunny ears.
Dave takes a time out and declares, "This sucks, too."
#3. It's made by IBN

HILARY DUFF: She's starring in "Material Girls" with her sister Haylie. It opens this Friday. Hillary's just 18 years old and she already owns a house. When I was 18, I lived with my parents and my bedroom was 3 beds for 4 brothers. Last one in at night had to sleep in the basement. For three years I smelled very mossy. Dating? Oh, yes. Hilary's boyfriend is Joel Madden from the band "Good Charlotte." They met 4 year ago. When I was 18, anyone who knew me for 4 years didn't want to date me.
Hilary recently spent some time in St. Johns in Canada. Is it St. John or St. Johns? Paul helps out and says it is St. Johns if it's in New Brunswick. Hilary tells Paul she knows that since she was called on it many time while there. Paul, lovingly, says to Hilary, "Hey, don't give me any ‘djoy', Hilary" explaining he was only trying to explain.

What about those Lindsay Lohan/Hilary Duff feuds Dave's been reading in the tabloids. Hilary says it's just a bunch of nothing. Plus, it's old news. Says Hilary, "Dave, you're so behind the times! People always make something out of nothing." Dave counters, "What exactly was the ‘nothing' people were making into ‘something'?" Or maybe he said, "What was the ‘something' people made out of nothing?" I'm not sure what the feud was about either. I'll have to ask my daughter Dominique tonight when I get home.
"Material Girls" - it opens this Friday.

JASON RANDAL: He's the magician/illusionist/sleight of hand artist. Dave asks, "What's the difference between a magician and an illusionist?" Jason explains, something about manipulation vs. . . . something. Dave follows that with, "And what's the difference between a dentist and an orthodontist?" I laughed at the silliness. Jason performs a couple coin tricks, followed by some card tricks.

Right about here I felt like I was at a Bar Mitzvah.
As always, I'm fascinated with the magic and then I become frustratingly angry. I don't know how he does it but what my eyes tell me, my brain can't explain and that makes me angry.

Jason then holds up a spoon which he says he will bend. He gives Dave a spoon to see if he can bend it. Jason shows Dave how to rub it to make it bend but it's not bending for Dave. Dave explains, "You know, I've had this problem before." Big laugh. Dave turns his back to the audience and physically bends the utensil.
Jason then does a dice trick, a trick with roulette, and a trick playing blackjack. It all ends up with me scratching my head not knowing how Jason Randal does any of it. I'm filled with fascination and hate.

ACT 5: (shot of Jason Randal): "Wanna know how Jason Randall did those tricks? He's a warlock! Run for your lives!"

DIRTY PRETTY THINGS: From their new CD, "Waterloo to Anywhere," and making their network television debut, Dirty Pretty Things performed "Bang Bang, You're Dead." I liked them.

And that was our show for Tuesday, August 15, 2005. Wahoo EXTRA!

My Kitchen Faucet Update: Back on July 21st, I reported a situation I had with a new kitchen faucet I purchased. I installed it myself, thank you, and everything seemed fine. But then I discovered the faucet didn't swivel left and right. It was stuck stationary right in the middle. This made it difficult to wash large pots. I attempted to live with the faulty faucet but I knew I wouldn't be able to live with it long. Every time I would try to move it, I knew I would get angrier and angrier at the faucet that wouldn't move. I wrote back on July 21st:

"Denise gets on the phone with the makers of the faucet. After a bit of the run around, they apologize for the defective faucet and promise a new working one, along with a gift for our troubles. They tell Denise that they've had this problem with this faucet in the past and have received a number of complaints. And yet it remains on the market. It remains in stores. It remains on the shelves so people like me can buy it, install it, try to fix it, try to make it work, and spend 6 hours on a 90 minute job. I guess the faucet people figure it's cheaper to leave their junky product on the shelves and deal with us individually than it would to remove them from the shelves."

Before going home I walked the store for a while, looking at fertilizer, birdfeeders, plants, cleaning products, and lumber. 20 minutes later I went back to the faulty faucets to admire my sign. HEY! Guess what! All the faucets, about 8 or so boxes, were now removed from the shelves! How about that! All gone. No where to be found. Vanished. My sign made them remove the faulty faucets. How I wish somebody had done the same 2 months earlier. All this trouble would have been avoided.
By the way, I love Lowe's. Great store. It's got everything. One thing I've learned over the years when it comes to do-it-yourself home improvement, it's all in the tools. It's hard enough doing something you've never done before or trying to do it following a book, but without the proper tools, it's near impossible.

Oh, and one more thing. While changing the faucet for the second time, I bunked my head under the sink. Yes, it's always funny to see somebody bunk their head. Physical comedy. You can't help but laugh, which only makes the person who bunked their head madder and madder. It's humiliating. But it's worse for bald guys. I bunked my head and it broke the skin. It is now scabbing. Anyone who sees the top of my head now knows I bunked it, and days after the incident it makes them smile even though they didn't see it happen. The scab atop my noggin offers great amusement. I'm sure those who see it are mentally recreating the scene, any scene, of my bunking my head. It makes them smile. A bunked bald head is funny for days.
So I Googled "bunked my head." It had only 4 mentions. I looked up "bunk" and "bunked" in the dictionary. No mention of "bunked" meaning "bumped." I remember using "bunked" long long ago, but no more. Are you familiar with "bunked," as in "bunked my head"?