Following Dave’s last joke at the monologue mark, our old friend Johnny Dark enters and does a quick frisk of Dave. Johnny’s hand wanders to a frontier where no man has gone before. After the search, Johnny remarks, “Wow, you’re not packing anything!”

At the desk, Dave says “That’s the first time that’s ever happened where a guy came out here and grabbed my . . . stuff.”

Happy news in LATE SHOW land. Our executive producer Barbara Gaines and her partner Aari are the proud parents of a brand new bouncing baby boy. Simon Michael Ludvigsen Gaines was born Monday July 31st; weighing in to this world at 6 pounds, 4 ounces. Much congratulations to Barbara and Aari. Barbara has been with the show since 1980, starting out as a receptionist, and is now the executive producer. Paul questions, “1980?” Dave laughs. “Yes, 1980. Before I had a show. I had a receptionist before I had a show. I was getting the ground work set first before a show was in place.”
Of course, the 1980 reference was for Dave’s morning show. It lasted from June 1980 to September 1980. Barbara was just a kid back then out of Ithaca College. In February of 1982, Dave’s LATE NIGHT debuted.

Over the break, it has become apparent to Dave that around the world, the United States is not liked by many people. Dave has an idea on how to get the world to like us again. There are about 8 billion people in the world, 300 million of those being Americans. Subtract the 300 million from the 8 billion since we will pretend that Americans like America. Of those remaining from the 8 billion --- give each and every one of them a $20 gift certificate to Target. Problem solved. We will be loved by all once again.

I was playing while Dave was about to announce his idea. Instead of the gift certificate, I thought he was going to say “pie.” Give everyone a pie. I swung and missed.

Good idea, Dave. But can you imagine the lines at Target? Fughedaboutit!

This terror plot broken up by the British authorities has had serious repercussions for air travelers. Now you can’t bring liquids onto airplanes. But companies are adapting quickly. Dave found something today at the supermarket that caught his eye and he brought it in to share with us. He holds it up. It’s the new Coca-Cola Solid. It’s shaped like a bar of soap.

Coke Solid. We used to call it crack.

With Fidel Castro sidelined because of health reasons, brother Raul Castro has stepped in to fill the void. What people don’t know is that there’s a third Castro brother and he is here with us tonight. Dave introduces the third Castro brother, Gary Castro. We see a man in green fatigues in the audience stand and wave. It is Gary Castro.

I thought the unknown Castro brother was named Zeppo.

Labor Day is just a few weeks away. What better time than now to reintroduce Aunt Pat’s Clam Dip? Here’s how to make Aunt Pat’s Clam Dip.

¼ cup of olive oil
2 cans of chopped clams
2 cloves of garlic, minced
1 teaspoon parsley, snipped
1 cup breadcrumbs
½ cup grated parmesan cheese

Preheat oven to 350 degrees
Saute first four ingredients
Add breadcrumbs and cheese
Place mixture in small casserole dish
Bake until lightly browned, about 25 minutes
Serve with lemon wedges and Italian bread

There was panic last week when on the heels of terrorists plans of destruction, 11 Egyptian exchange students went missing in the United States. One by one they were apprehended. And they are here with us tonight. Dave has the Egyptian students stand and take a bow. We see the 11 in our balcony. Hello, boys!
Says Dave, “Let me know how they like the clam dip in Cairo.”

Dave addresses Sue Hum. He says it is nice to see her but informs her that there is a show going on and she really can’t remain. Sue replies, “Rot in hell, Saddam.”

GEORGE W. BUSH CLOSE BUT NO CIGAR. From a recent speech, we see the President pontificate, “But here is a rational way to treat people with nignity.” BUZZ. Sorry, Mr. President, the word it “dignity.” Nice try, though. Thanks for playing. Don Pardo, what do we have for the President?

Back from commercial, Dave is interrupted by a gruff and burly CBS executive. Dave informs him that now is not the right time. We’re trying to put on a show.
EXEC: “This ain’t a show. This is a train wreck. That’s why CBS brought me in here. I’m the slob that’s gonna save your ass. That’s what I do” (turning towards the camera) “I’m the fixer”
DAVE: “Okay, so how do I fix things?”
EXEC: “You’re fat! You make audiences sick. CBS wants you to lose 25 pounds so we got you this.” (gestures towards a mini-trampoline nearby) “Same one I use, Superstar. Another thing, who is the biggest star in America?”
DAVE: “I don’t ---“
EXEC: “I’ll tell you: Larry the Cable Guy. That ‘git-R-done’ catchphrase is like a license to crap gold. From now on, you catchphrase is ‘Watch out, Linda, Daddy’s full of gin.’”
DAVE: “I’d rather not say ---“
EXEC: And finally, the ratings for this show were never higher than when you went gay for a while back in ’98. So meet your new co-host . . .” Out walks a hunky, shirtless, leather-vested downtowner) “Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotta go convince Katie Couric to box a kangaroo.” (motions to Dave’s new gay friend) “Let’s go, Mary.”
They exit.

Sounds like a typical CBS exec.

Dave mentions to Ms. Gaines that this is her first show produced as a mom. Years from now, Barbara and son can sit and watch this show together. Barbara buries her head and laughs.

TOP TEN MEL GIBSON EXCUSES:
#10. “Did I say ‘Jews’? I meant Scientologists.”
#5. “I refer all questions to my Jew attorney.”
#3. “Oh, like you’ve never gotten drunk and accidentally said, ‘Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world.’”

SAMUEL L. JACKSON: starring in the Friday release of the film, Snakes On A Plane. Always busy, Samuel took some time off this summer to see his daughter Zoe graduate from culinary school. She’s now an official chef. Does Samuel like to cook? He has some dishes he likes to prepare; nothing fancy . . . No pretty curly garnishes on the side of the plate and stuff. Samuel knows that Dave likes to cook. What’s does Dave like to prepare? Does he have a favorite? Dave says he enjoys making chicken with a Gatorade reduction. I’m not sure what that means.
If you know Samuel, you know he likes to golf. He recently hit the links while working in London. Ever throw a fit on the golf course? Samuel says when he was first learning the game, he became so irate that he took one of his golf clubs and threw it as far as he could. His caddy calmly told him, “You’re not good enough to get angry.” And that is the perfect line for any duffer to remember. In fact, that’s my golf credo. When I am asked if I play, I’ll say “Not enough where I’ll get mad over a bad shot.” I’m lucky if I play once a year . . . or should I say my partners are lucky if I only play once a year.
Snakes On A Plane opens this Friday. It’s about snakes on a plane. Before agreeing to do the film, Samuel L’s agent had only demand: No snakes on the set. The logistics were worked out and Samuel had very little involvement with the crawly critters. Lucky for Samuel. The snakes on this plane were like snakes on crack . . . something to do with a mobster gangleader trying to do harm to someone on the flight who witnessed a murder.
We see a clip. Oops! Wrong clip. Instead of something from Snakes On A Plane we see a black and white clip of a monkey beating a snake with a stick. It may have been from a Tarzan movie. I don’t know. We then see the real clip. It’s Samuel on the plane trying to gather the passengers to work as a team to fight off the snakes.

PAT FARMER’S REPORT FROM THE WAR ON TERROR: We see Pat standing by the blue doors. His face is cherry red from the sun. He reports, “Bastards at airport security took my sunblock.”
This has been Pat Farmer’s Report from the War on Terror.

ACT 5: Did you enjoy tonight’s tomfoolery about Aunt Pat’s Clam Dip? How could you not? Well, here’s your chance to get a copy of the recipe. Send a self-addressed stamped envelope to:
Aunt Pat’s Clam Dip Recipe
c/o The Late Show
1697 Broadway
New York, New York 10019.
You’ll be glad you did. And if you act now you’ll get this stylish ‘I wrote in to the Late Show and received a copy of Aunt Pat’s Clam Dip Recipe’ T-shirt.
Mmm, delicious clam dip.
We’ll be right back.

GNARLS BARKLEY: From their debut CD “St. Elsewhere,” Gnarls Barkley performed their wildly popular “Crazy.” It’s the song of the summer. Gnarls Barkley, that’s Cee-Lo on vocals and Danger Mouse on keyboards.

And that was our show for Monday August 14, 2006. Wahoo EXTRA!

Snake on a Plane – wasn’t that a Hasbro game?

In my haste to make my escape to vacation two weeks ago, I didn’t pursue something that sparked a memory cell in my brain. It had to do with July 27th’s "Stump the Band." And then I received this e-mail from Teresa in Orange County, California.

“I just wanted to point out that on Thursday night's show during the Stump the Bank segment the first contestant, Paul Burns, from Huntington, New York was also a contestant the night that I was in the audience on July 25, 2003. (Denis Leary was the guest that night.) He used the same song, ‘Her Cauliflower Ear’ to try to ‘stump the band.’ How is it that he got picked twice? What are the odds? I thought that was very interesting. He must be a regular audience member.

“#2. Paul Burns, an attorney, from Huntington, New York. What kind of attorney? Commercial litigation. Big court room scenes. And what does ‘commercial’ mean? ‘Paying clients’ says Paul. Paul’s song: ‘Her Cauliflower Ear.’ Saxophonist Bruce Kapler shoots his hand right up as he believes he knows ‘Her Cauliflower Ear.’ Singing what sounds something like ‘My Little Valentine’, although very entertaining, Bruce comes up empty in the identification category. Paul warbles out his rendition of ‘My Cauliflower Ear.’”

Oh, and Matt Demers of Ottawa, Canada asked if I could add his name to an issue of the Wahoo Gazette. He was a participant in "Know Your Current Events" on June 15th and I guess I neglected to include his name. He writes:

“Is there any way you can edit my name in so I can show my friends, print a copy out, frame it... I'm a HUGE letterman fan and that appearance made my life!!!”

There’s nothing like two weeks off. For those of you who have never had it, it’s so much better than one week. Of course you’re thinking two weeks is twice as good as one week. No, it’s even more better. Two weeks off is like 4 times better. It really feels like a vacation away from work. A week off, though great, feels like 5 individual days off in succession. Two weeks off is a real treat.
What did I do on my vacation? Well, the first thing I did each day was make a morning coffee and listen to the traffic report on the radio. I loved hearing about the one-hour delays on the George Washington Bridge. There’s no better way to start the day.